New and Improved Ramblings, Rants and Raves

Greetings, fellow bloggers and dear readers! I had a little break, but now I am writing again. Oh yeah, it feels good! Thoughts are a-buzzin’ and fingers are a-typin’. The words are a-flowin’ and–

Oh, god. That was terrible. I hate it. Is a-flowin’ even a word? Let me try this again…

As I sit here on this chilly gray day, thoughts meander and swirl. Fingers posed above the keyboard, hesitant; yet ready to make connections and spew forth–

Gah. Even worse than the first line. Spew? Seriously? I don’t think those were even complete sentences. But I did throw in a semicolon for the sh*ts and giggles. Okay, how about…um…

Hey everybody! What’s up? You good? Good!

________________________________

Whew! I was worried for a minute, but I can still write. Badly, but that’s okay. Thought I lost it for a second there! Ah! Feels good to get it out though. Yes, very nice, look at me go…I am still typing and it’s still working….still writing….keep going, Darla, don’t give up…you can do this…but I…must stop…typing ellipses….

So I’ve spent three weeks not writing anything but comments on others’ blogs. I have caught up on so many blogs and realize there are too many of you out there that are inspiring, hilarious, and just all-around amazing people and writers. I’ve really enjoyed my ‘break’. Thank you all for keeping me entertained while I was having a serious writer’s block/panic attack that lasted almost three solid weeks.

I was also entertained by the two crazy little people that currently live with me.

A Few Observations:

*My five year old daughter really knows how to make a woman feel self-conscious. One morning, I was combing my hair in the bathroom mirror as she sat on the counter, watching me intently. Then she grinned and said, “Mom, you look so very pretty today!” I said, “Aw, thanks, sweetie!” Then she added, “I was just kidding.”

*My son is nine and has suddenly crossed that line into sarcasm/Oh, snap! territory. After asking me repeatedly to reach the chips on the top shelf, he sighed, rubbed his eyes and said, “Will you please get them now, for the love of God? I’m not getting any younger.”

*My daughter takes what I say literally. While we were out to dinner at a restaurant, she kept whispering to me, “Look, Mom! I’m have! (rhymes with ‘cave’) Am I have-in’ now? How about now? I’m trying super hard to have!” I couldn’t figure out what she meant until I realized I had asked her to ‘behave’ earlier.

*My son is also at the age of Endless Questions. Sometimes we don’t have a solid answer, sometimes we just laugh. Last night he asked my husband in a very serious tone: “Where do you go when you die?” then later, in an equally serious tone: “Dad, have you ever been arrested?” and finally: “Dad, is it okay if I climb up on the roof of the house then jump into the snowbank in my underwear?” Interestingly enough, all three questions were answered with my husband’s patented blank stare. Once again, I had to come up with all the answers. So I told my son, “We go to heaven.”  and “Not that I’m aware of–honey, anything you’d care to share?”  and  “That would be a big fat no. Now put your pants back on.”

*My daughter is much smarter than I’ll ever be.  We were reading a book the other night, The Biggest Snowman. At the end, the little girl climbs to the top of the giant snowman with the help of her forest animal friends and yells, “Hooray!” I closed the book and asked her if she liked it. She sighed, furrowed her brow and said, “I don’t know. That was very dangerous of her to climb up the snowman like that. But that’s okay, Mom, because this is make-believe. It’s fiction.” What in the world is her preschool teacher teaching her?

*Sleeping on the ‘wrong’ side of the bed. How is it any different? But it is. Recently my daughter was very sick with pneumonia. Sick enough and feverish enough to put about a dozen new gray hairs on this mom’s head. She is fine now, but I was so worried about her, I had her sleep in bed with me for a few nights. I thought I could get some better sleep knowing she was right there. But I was on the wrong side of the bed. She was on my side. I closed my eyes and tried to pretend it didn’t matter. It’s just silly, really. I’m laying there, it’s no different than any other night. My eyes are closed, it’s dark, I’m trying to drift away to la-la land…but I just couldn’t do it. Everything was just off. What is up with that?

*Speaking of kids and too many of them: Michelle Duggar. Have you watched this show? Sure, she has loads of kids, so there’s the overpopulation debate and yes, we all wonder about her uterus. I’m not here to judge, condemn or debate. But I will ask this: what is she on? She will stand there while utter chaos is erupting all around: kids are flying about, laundry is strewn everywhere, the truck-sized pantry needs to be restocked again, and this woman will look at the camera in the midst of it all with the calmest face. She’ll giggle and sigh softly and sweetly say things like, “Oh, well. Boys will be boys!”  Just once I’d like to see Michelle snap. Or yell. Or raise her voice in the slightest. Maybe sigh loudly or shake her finger in someone’s face. Or tell Jim Bob to leave her alone.  I am in awe of that woman. But she’s making me look bad.

Okay, well, that’s it for now. Thanks for stopping in to check to see if I’m still alive and barely writing.

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Huh. I’ve noticed it seems to be snowing in here. I’m not sure I like this. It is peaceful, but sometimes as I read, I think I’m getting cataracts. I wonder if wordpress could come up with a more dramatic snow feature? Maybe they could make mine a blizzard? The snow could pile up on my blog and bury my bad posts. Then a little icon of me in ski goggles could maybe shuffle onto your screen with a shovel or snowblower and blow all the crappy posts away. Just an idea.

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92 comments

  1. Darla nice to see you pressing your keyboard again ….. although you are pressing it while typing comments for other people’s posts, but i am happy after a long break at last you bothered to press it for your own post.
    I really enjoy this post. The best thing about this post is that actually i could visualize those instances which you have mentioned. I could imagine the expression on your face, when your daughter said that, “she was kidding”. I could imagine how you & your husband have felt, while your nine years old son asked you all those intelligent question. Everything you wrote in this post was simply outstanding & real.

    I hope you remembered that in your last post when you mentioned that you would be a bad blogger after taking such a long gap, i replied that ” Form Might differ with time, But class could never change with time. It’s going to remain with that person forever.” And I am really happy that i was not wrong. You simply proved it here. You are excellent Darla.

    I am really happy that, my morning started with this post of yours:)

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed this, Arindam. I wrote this last night around midnight. So when I woke up this morning, I only half-remembered what I wrote. Thank goodness it wasn’t anything too controversial. Just fluff. I like fluff! Have a good weekend!

  2. Hi! Welcome back. I love your son’s questions. My son, the same age, has said a same phrase that yours has uttered: “For the love of God……!” I laughed so hard when I read that part that I almost woke the kid up.

    Michelle Duggar. Hmmm. Amazing woman. I could never do it- stay so calm, have such a big family, wear that permed long hair do they all seem to like.

    Glad your daughter’s pneumonia is over. That must have been scary.

    Looking forward to reading more of your elegant (or not) prose!

    1. I laughed pretty hard at your permed hair comment! I am so relieved you brought this up because, really, what is UP with her hair? Is there no good hairstylist nearby that can help?

      My daughter’s pneumonia was very scary. She had this horrible febrile seizure (I’m guessing that was what it was…)when her temp spiked suddenly in the middle of the night. Her eyes were glassy, she was shaking and she got up and ran around the room, muttering things and hallucinating. She didn’t respond to me. She couldn’t breathe. We thought it was croup at first. I aged about 10 years. When she got to the doctor’s her temp was 103.5 and that’s with advil. They did an X-ray, got it down to 102.5 and sent her home with antibiotics. I stayed up watching her sleep for two nights. Makes me very thankful right now that she is well. That is all that matters! All the other stuff is minor, y’know?

  3. Hi,
    Had to have a laugh at the kids, they really do come out with some funny things. :)

    I love your suggestion for the snow, that would be awesome, maybe we can start a petition. :lol:

  4. “yet ready to make connections and spew forth–” Hahahahahahahaha! Spew forth and prosper!
    Every one of the kid thoughts were great, Darla. Woo hoo!! Here’s to midnight inspirations! Well done!

  5. Darla, what a great post — welcome back. I’ve missed your humor, your writing, your ellipses … Mostly, I’m sorry that your daughter was so ill, but truly relieved that she is now better.

    But I can’t believe that you won’t let your son jump off the roof into the snowbank in his underwear. What kind of a Maineiac are you? Isn’t that stunt something a kid up there has to do somewhere between his first steps and losing his virginity?

    And about Word Press — I am starting to take this personally. Very personally. First, they stopped sending me notices that my friends in the blogosphere have posted. Then they didn’t send me snow for my blog (and it would have added to the hilarity on my last post on everybody dying, don’t you think?). What will they take from me next?

    So very glad you’re back so you don’t have to pay so much damned attention to those kids!

    1. Y’know, Elyse, there was a time not long ago when I would have been the one jumping off the roof with my brothers (hopefully not in my underwear)–but my Maineiac days are sadly gone. Now I just spend my time scolding the kids and their crazy antics like a good cranky old lady like me should. Your sentence, “between his first steps and losing his virginity” had me laughing! God help me and my son when he decides to do these stunts without asking first.

      I was thinking again about your most recent post. Very well written and it really struck a chord with me. My family didn’t shy away from talking about heavy things like death and we always add a bit of humor when we can…I mean, sometimes you have to laugh or you’ll cry as they say. Anyway, well done on the post, and I am sorry you’ve lost so many family around the holidays. I know how dark things can get this time of year. I hope you can laugh even through the tears.

      1. Hi again, Darla,

        Thanks for your nice words. We are all crankier as parents than we want to be, I fear. I certainly was. I plan to forget it as soon as I have grandchildren who will be allowed to do just as they please!

        About my post and the losses. Writing the post made me (1) realize how much my writing helps me figure out my own perspective on things I just don’t think about thoroughly and (2) helped me put them to rest. So this will be an easier Christmas. And actually the chain has already been broken as I lost another family member (who HAD in fact, promised NOT to die on a holiday. She kept her promise! But that is another post.)

        I am singing Mele Kalikimaka in the halls at work. Everyone is trying to work from home until New Years.

        XX

      2. I look forward to grandkids one day as well! Those will be the glory days I’m sure…

        I am sorry to hear of another of your relatives passing. I think you’ve dealt with enough, Elyse. I am bracing myself for those times to happen in my life as well. My mom is 78 years old and my older brothers are in their late 50s now. It does help to have a little sense of humor about it. My gram lived to 100. When she was in her 90s she used to tell me her new ‘job’ was going to funerals. Seemed that was all she did. She outlived two husbands, two brothers and loads of friends and family. But she laughed about it because sometimes that is all you can do. I hope you can keep on singing and finding some peace this holiday season.

  6. I don’t have children, and you’d think, perhaps, that I wouldn’t care to hear about them, but frankly, I never tire of hearing the conversations that come out them. Children are hilarious – yours are particularly so. What a joy to have comedians in the house! I’m glad your daughter is much better and I’m sorry you had to go through that. I love your writing, mm; please don’t stop.

    That Michelle lady? That’s what “off-camera” is for. Her meltdowns would be considered natural disasters requiring immediate evacuation. She is no way that calm all the time, unless she is seriously and constantly medicated. We’ll just see if she continues to utter, “Boys will be boys,” when they enter their teens and start getting arrested for vandalism and other petty crimes.

    1. SDS, the great thing about my kids is they aren’t even trying to be funny! When they say these things, they are dead serious. They always crack me up. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry. It’s a good thing too because otherwise I’d be a basketcase some days.

      You really think Michelle melts down? Damn, that must be scary if she does. I just wish I had the patience and serenity she seems to have all the time. I suppose I’m doomed to be a gruff and blunt (sometimes grumpy) Mainer. I can take plenty, but sometimes, it gets to be too much and I start to growl at everyone. Oh, well, moms will be moms! (gentle, dreamy sigh)

  7. OMG, this was worth the wait, Darla! This was like 20 awesome posts rolled into one! I don’t even know where to begin, but when your daughter said, “I was just kidding” I lost my shiz! And then “Put your pants back on” and then the snowblower comment, ahh! You kill me!

    1. Julie, knowing I’ve made you lose your shiz is the shiznit! (did I use that right? where’s that slang dictionary when you need one…oh god, I am so old!)

      When my daughter said “I was just kidding” I laughed forever at that one. Oh, she is good. Very clever at handing out thinly veiled insults. Although this one wasn’t veiled at all, it was pretty direct.

      I predict Michelle will snap around the age of 65 when she has 145 grandkids to buy Christmas presents for.

  8. I enjoyed this post about the kids–so good to see your post on my reader– and so glad your daughter is over the pneumonia, but I must admit you got me worried about 9 yr-old stunts.
    On HGTV there are so many homes they show with large open spaces, catwalks, lofts, etc. If your son can dream up jumping off the roof into the snow, I wonder how many 9yr-olds can dream up jumping onto a sofa below.
    Here’s a memory…My mother has a time share at a lake near Houston. This property is built over the water. One time my nephew climbed out the second floor window onto a part of the first floor roof. He just sat there with the birds enjoying the sun and the view. When we heard footsteps on the roof, that sent us flying upstairs. Thank goodness he never took a dive. She has never let him forget how that scared her.

    1. I bet she never forgot that, Georgette! Growing up, my brothers used to get up on the garage roof all the time and jump into our pool. The pool was only three feet deep, above ground. As soon as my parents left the house, up they’d go to the roof. Once they had the brilliant idea of going onto the HOUSE roof, much higher up and try to dive into the pool. I am shocked my older brother didn’t break his neck, so reckless of them. Having boys means having mini-heart attacks. My son is a daredevil, no sense of danger or fear. I will have to keep him in a bubble until he’s 30.

  9. I’m sorry to hear about that your daughter has been ill, but glad that all is well now. And our kids can push our buttons like nobody else. They are also comical and amusing, as you so well described. And by the way, I gave you the 7×7 Award. Congrats.

  10. So glad to have you back with the blogging and up to form, Darla/Darly/Carly. Nothing is more terrifying than a sick child – I’m so glad your daughter is all better now.

    I really admire the Duggers. The way they raise those kids with love, God and responsibility, yet let them be kids and goof off – wish I had done much of what they do. Not Michelle’s hair, though – it’s pretty bad.

    1. You said it, Peg. Nothing is worse than when your child is sick and you don’t know what’s wrong. It quickly puts things in perspective though. now that she’s better, I am beyond happy. Lots of extra hugs and kisses for both kids all the time.

      I am in awe of the Duggars. I think she’s crazy, but then most moms are a little.

      And please, call me Darly. I like it! I don’t think it’s even a real name, very unique.

    1. I doubt that, Byron. You’d have more than a few of us lining up to hit you in the ass with a shovel, so no worries.

      (by the way, your posts always have me laughing so hard, the last one was hysterical!)

  11. Welcome back Darla… I’m really glad to hear your daughter’s better. Oh man it’s really scary when a child’s so sick with such a high fever. For those of you who don’t have children, motherhood is one of the hardest “professions”. You aren’t just working 9-5, there’s no such thing as weekends off, you can’t phone in and say “I’m not well so I’m not coming today!” [hah!] and if you stay up all night with a sick kid you’ve just got to get up in the morning as usual…. 24/7 year in year out.
    But motherhood is rewarding like no other job eg when a 9-year-old says “Will you please get them now, for the love of God? I’m not getting any younger.”

    1. You nailed it. It is the hardest, most draining yet rewarding (but also exhausting) job I’ll ever have in my life, Rosie. When you sleep only 1.5 hours, it’s just something ya gotta do. You suck it up and keep going because you have to. I also had to babysit a 9 month old baby 10 hours a day all last week while my daughter was sick. I am still waiting for my mental state to return back to normal now. Thanks for stopping in, Rosie, always good to see you!

  12. So happy you are back. Agree on all counts where the Duggers are concerned. And What is up with those snow flakes and why can’t I see them on mine? I am so happy you guys accept me for who I am and not how I write. I was really gettin’ into the beginnin’ of the post.

  13. Thankfully, my friend Lenore informed me that for snow you go to: Dashboard, then ‘settings’, then ‘general’, scroll down and click on snow option. Otherwise, I would have never figured it out. I accept you for who you are and your writing. Your stories and posts grab my attention and suck me right in all the time!

  14. Oh, Darla – so sorry your daughter was sick. There is absolutely nothing worse (except as you learned, having the sick child sleeping in your spot). Glad to see you back.

  15. “Dad, is it okay if I climb up on the roof of the house then jump into the snowbank in my underwear?”

    I happened to be drinking a cup of tea when I read this. I barely managed toasting my laptop keyboard.

    The just kidding, though? Aaaaw! A few nights ago, I played the whisper game with Li’l D. “Mommy loves you. Do you love mommy?”

    Li’l D smiled really wide, then whispered, “No!”

    *sigh*

  16. Whew! See, this is why I’ve finally stopped reading blogs while drinking anything…it’s a bit messy and dangerous.

    And that is so cute what Li’l D said to you. Get ready because it just gets better and better what they’ll blurt out. My son points out my wrinkles to me now. ah!

  17. Let me add my sentiments to all those who are glad to see you back!

    And for what it’s worth, I think that Duggar woman is one fry short of a Happy Meal and I am not convinced that she’s making anyone look bad, but is probably making a whole lot of people seem sane in comparison. And from some things I’ve read, she’s not even really raising all those kids; the older kids are raising the younger ones. There isn’t one mother – there’s a whole house of ‘mothers’ who are responsible for their siblings. I see it as quantity over quality. She might have 20 kids but they all have to compete for her attention, and who knows what that does to a mother-child relationship. I’m sure your two kids get a lot more time with you than they do with her.

    Apparently, I’ve got no opinion on this ;)

    1. Okay, that second paragraph: you are right. And she is nuts. She says they are following their faith and that’s what God wants and I respect her right to her faith and beliefs. Whatever works for you and all that. But yeah, she’s a bit crazy. My mom only had six kids and she’s not afraid to tell everyone she is crazy now. I can’t believe Michelle Duggar is pregnant again right now. Will she be the world’s oldest mother when she has her 30th baby at 55?

  18. Hey!

    The blizzard’s a great idea. But only to blow away your baseless belief about bad and crappy posts. You rock, Darla.

    And just so you know, I welcome you back, too! Happy to know your daughter’s doing well, and by sound of the little anecdotes, everyone else at home is, too!

    Happy This Season to you and yours.

    1. I don’t know, Priya, I’ve got a few posts I’d like to blow away. ;) As usual, you are way too kind, my friend.

      And yes, the kids are back to their normal rambunctious and bordering on evil selves. Just in time for Christmas!

  19. Taking a break is good. I find after a I’ve taken a short break that posts just start flying out! I can relate most to your comment about your 9 year old’s sarcasm. That must be a boy thing, mine (who just turned 11) is the same way. Hope they grow out of it!

    1. Breaks are funny. I go through this cycle. I think, I have nothing to say, absolutely NOTHING! Then bam! All this crap starts churning in my head and voila, post after post are cranked out. I wish I could be more regular. (that didn’t come out right, did it)

      1. I was busy getting a pedicure..what did I miss? FYI, Coming East is getting set to rent out your kids to parents whose adult children are not much fun at Christmas. I had nothing to do with the heinous business.

  20. Hey, glad you’re back. Gee your kids are smart. what are you feeding them? Something with math and alphabet symbols? I’d love to see outtakes of the Duggar family. You know those scenes when the cameras aren’t rolling? Now…that would be a reality show.

    1. I don’t know Barb, but I do believe the ‘incredibly smart’ gene skipped a generation. My kids combined are a million times smarter than my husband and I will ever be. I think the Duggar outtakes would be reality show GOLD. I’d pay to see it.

  21. This was great, Darla! See, just like getting back on a bike. We’ve missed you. I love reading kiddisms when they’re actually funny (and not just “My kid asked if the clouds are cotton balls! Isn’t that sweet?”) as yours are. Your kids are grade-A hilarious.

    I hope your daughter is doing better?

    That snow thing is messing with my eyes.

    1. My daughter is back to normal and running around like a maniac as usual, thanks for asking, Angie. Yeah, the snow thing is screwing with my vision too now, I almost feel a migraine coming on…but it’s so peaceful, I’m really torn. It only lasts until January though.

  22. Hi Darla, I’m so glad to see you back! Three weeks is a long spell to wait when a blog is as good as yours. And I loved what your kids said! I’ll have to tell you what my son said one day when I was trying on fall jackets. It’s a long story, and part of my, “No. I am not a man,” period.

    In any event, sorry to hear about your daughter’s illness — how terrifying. I had my daughter in my bed this past summer, after a fearsome Yellow Jacket attack. And I couldn’t sleep a wink. But I had to make sure she didn’t have a reaction (she was stung 19 times).

    I hope that your whole family stays happy and healthy and hilarious through the holidays. :)

    1. I will look forward to your son’s “No, I am not a man” story now…do tell! haha! Sometimes I think I should have a separate blog just for all the stuff my kids say and do every day. I could write a book. They are brutally honest aren’t they?

      Your poor daughter being stung 19 times! That is scary! My son was stung by a wasp that was hiding under a pool ladder and I almost had a heart attack. I can’t imagine how nerve-wracking that must have been for you.

      1. The “Yellow Jacket Attack of 2011″ will forever burn in my heart. All I can say is that my little girl is the bravest one in the house. She stunned me with her strength. And thank God she didn’t have a reaction! She’d never been stung before. To go from that, from happily playing in the yard to all the sudden BAM: these are yellow jackets and they’ll sting you… what a horrid welcome to that world.

        In any event, to clarify, the “No, I am not a man” story is about ME. Now I’m even more embarrassed… :)

        (And yes. Please write a book about what your kids say. I’ll buy it.)

      2. Good lord, the poor girl! And poor mama! I wonder what set those yellow jackets off? With my son, he wasn’t doing much of anything, one just swooped in and stung him on the forehead and he started screaming and there was this huge welt. It was awful so I can imagine what you went through with your daughter.

        Don’t be embarrassed at all about your story, I knew what you meant, my reply just came out wrong! (I’m running on very little sleep this week) Whatever the story is, I bet it’s hysterical…

  23. Next time you (think you) have writer’s block, just turn on that camera and do another video blog. And make sure it’s late enough that you’ve had at least one cup of coffee and your kids are awake so they can wander in and say sarcastic things behind your back. It might even turn out to be as good as this post. Welcome back, Darla. You were missed.

    1. Three weeks seemed like such a long time for me. Very strange how much I missed writing. You’d think I took a year off. I love the vlog idea though. Anything that requires less brainpower for me is a good thing.

    1. Surely one of them must have flushed a toy down the toilet, or yelled the word POOP over and over at the grocery store…or stripped down naked in the middle of Walmart. Not that my kids have ever done any these things, of course…

  24. Wow! 55 comments! See how you’ve been missed? Loved this post, Darla. You don’t ever have to worry about not having an idea to blog about. Those kids of yours will always supply something great, as this post attests. Hysterical! Wish I had kids still at home for writing fodder. Adult kids just aren’t that funny.

      1. No, Darla, these comments are almost all from readers who love your writing and have missed you. If any,mlike Jenny,mound you through me, I would be tickled pink!

  25. I heard about your post from Susan at ComingEast and want to say I love this post. I am a mother of three boys (8, 6 & 2.5 yrs old) and #4 will arrive in April. We have many funny moments and appreciate your humor and wonderful children!
    Jenny

    1. You are so sweet, Christy! I try really hard to be exactly who I am…although sometimes it’s exhausting… ;) I loved your new soup cookbook and the photos are amazing! Well done! I hope you have a very Merry Christmas and Happiest of New Year!

  26. 86 comments???? Gosh, how do you do it? Well, you are an awesome writer, so that should work. I am happy on posts that I get even one comment response or a star or a “like”. Sometimes I feel desperate. I loved your post and I was laughing so hard. Your kids are witty, much of a handful. Just keep writing what they say so that you can never forget. I like the blizzard idea, maybe with all the comments you get, someone will be nice enough to mention that to them. Welcome back. Fabulous post :)

    1. Thanks! good to see you here! I think my post got lots of comments because I used the title “rants and raves” and who doesn’t love a good rant?
      My kids are hysterical, especially when they aren’t even trying… As for the blizzard idea, I am going to probably end up turning the snow off soon because even I am having a hard time reading the comments now (must be due to my old age as well)

  27. If I could laugh any harder and not feel guilty that I’m reading this while “working” I would! OMG! And, I just finished cracking up at myself for responding to another blogging buddy that I was reading a John Grishma book! JOHN GRISHMA! What the…! I love ellispes, love them. And, being “Have”! I hope my daughter doesn’t figure that one out-totally priceless, Darla!

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