Embrace Your Inner Bah Humbug

10 Dec

In all my childhood photos, I was always grinning at the camera like a fool.

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Wahoo! Ribbons! Life is good!

Even with four older brothers, I could barely contain my excitement. Or maybe I just farted. Yeah, it was probably that.

Even though I had to deal with four older brothers, I could barely contain my excitement. Or maybe I just burped. Yeah, it was probably that.

People thought of me as an extremely happy child. In report cards, teachers always said the same thing:

Darla is such a quiet and shy child–but always smiling!

I had a certain zest for life back then. Overall, I still do even now, in spite of what the news tells me to feel.

But this time of year, I start to get grumpy. Things begin to get on my nerves. My dark side comes out. Maybe it’s because of the lack of sunlight. Maybe it’s the pressure of everyone telling me to be “merry and bright”. Maybe it’s their insistence that I spread “holiday cheer” and “spend time with loved ones” or “stop yelling at Charlie Brown to buy a real f$#@ing tree for once.”

My therapist tells me it’s good to get these negative feelings out in the open. Own my anger. Clear the air. Be ”more real”.

And I think it’s about time I listen to my six year old daughter’s sage advice.

My Christmas Confessional

  • Actually, I didn’t love the movie Love Actually. Not even a little bit Like, Actually.
  • Candy canes are pure evil wrapped in cellophane. Never hang them on your tree or you’ll hear the kids asking you for one morning, noon and night. Opening those suckers without breaking them is impossible. Scissors won’t work. Usually after tearing at them with my teeth for several minutes, I like to grab a hammer, then smash them into peppermint shards and yell, “You want a candy cane? Here! Have it! Merry Christmas! Make sure you stick it in your sister’s hair when you’re done with it because I have the scissors handy!”
  • I think Christmas trees are way too safe and boring nowadays. Whatever happened to stringing up those old lights with the frayed extension cords and the giant bulbs that could melt solid steel? Where’s the lead-laced tinsel? What is my dog supposed to eat now? How will I dispose of her poops by grabbing onto the little tinsel pieces and slinging them over into my neighbor’s yard?

    Hmm... dem purty silver things sure do look mighty tasty!

    Hmm… dem purty silver things sure do look mighty tasty!

  • Why do I fall for drinking egg nog every year? Why does it always taste like nutmeg-flavored milk of magnesia? Why is there never enough rum mixed in there to make me like the movie Love Actually?

    Not enough rum in the world.

    Not enough rum in the world.

  • All I want for Christmas is to never hear Mariah Carey sing that song again. Along with Taylor Swift’s We Are Never Ever, Like Totally, Ever, Like O.M.G! Getting Back Together.
  • Sledding? Overrated.

    Also excruciatingly painful.

    Also excruciatingly painful.

  • Spending the holidays with the in-laws? All hype.
  • I think Santas that are hard of hearing should be fired.  When I was seven, I told him all I wanted for Christmas was a Raggedy Ann clock. He yelled, “What did you say, little girl? A wagon and a rock?! You want a wagon and a ROCK?!” and the entire department store burst into cruel laughter as I cried behind my ugly tortoise-shell eyeglasses. As soon as Santa bellowed those terrible words, spraying spit and tobacco fumes into my sweet angelic face, I knew my Christmases would be forever doomed. My brothers gift wrapped a wagon and a rock for me every year after that fateful day. I never got my Raggedy Ann clock. Thanks for nothing, Santa.

    No! Are you deaf, Santa? Not a rock! Nooooo!!!

    No! Are you deaf, old man? Not a rock! Nooooo!!!

This is why I need therapy.

Sniff. This is why I need therapy.

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Whew! Ah! That was so invigorating! I feel so much better now! Thanks for letting me vent. I think Scrooge was onto something.

How about you? Anything you’d like to get off your chest? Any juicy rants about the holidays? Past childhood traumas? Gifts you never received as a kid? C’mon, let ‘er rip, ’tis the season! I won’t judge! Much.

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121 Responses to “Embrace Your Inner Bah Humbug”

  1. The Byronic Man December 10, 2012 at 9:32 am #

    My wife is asleep in the other room. Just reading the words “I don’t like Love, Actually” has made her stir. To sense something terrible in the air.

    I was the worst kind of kid because I didn’t know what I wanted, but I was pretty sure I didn’t get it. Except an Atari. I definitely wanted an Atari and I definitely didn’t get it.

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 9:43 am #

      You must never speak of my hatred for that movie around her!

      The Atari! Oh, that is just terrible. I feel for you there. We had this horrible game system called COMBAT! It was all Santa could spare that year, I guess. (we did get the Atari eventually and played Pitfall until our eyes bled, so you didn’t miss anything, I swear)

      • aliceatwonderland December 10, 2012 at 2:27 pm #

        My favorite Atari game was that circus one where the peoples heads went splat when they missed the seesaw thing. I used to make them miss it on purpose.

      • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 3:28 pm #

        Ooh, yes! I think it was called Circus Time. I also really enjoyed making Frogger go splat after putting him in the path of a tractor trailer.

  2. joehoover December 10, 2012 at 9:32 am #

    I feel your pain, but then I make efforts to ensure Xmas is like any other day, I go to the pub, I make my dinner, I watch a movie, go to bed. And for the first time in years I am in London, I usually like to go somewhere hot just to feel even less Christmassy and there is no better excuse for not going to see your family than paying thousands of pounds for a holiday to avoid them.

    I tried Egg Nog for the first time in Australia, they put Baileys in it, it was delicious. I know now form your advsie to never try it without.

    • joehoover December 10, 2012 at 9:33 am #

      The spelling on my last sentence was awful, I must be drunk just thinking of alcohol.

      • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 9:58 am #

        same thing happens to me all the time. I slur my typing.

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 9:45 am #

      You should jet off to a warmer climate again, get drunk and get another spectacular tattoo, Joe. I’ve mixed Kahlua into my egg nog once to make it tolerable. After a few sips, it started to really taste good.

      • joehoover December 10, 2012 at 10:52 am #

        I LOVE Kahlua! A white russian is a staple of mine.

        We just can;t get egg nog easily here, and sounds a pain to make. White Russians it will be on Xmas morning then.

        Alas I am stuck in colder climes, going for New Year up north to some windswept town on the North Sea. And was just told today of my Xmas bonus which would have paid for that sunny holiday :-(

        I’m mulling another tattoo..what to have though, maybe I shoudl run a contest on the blog to design one…hmmm maybe not on second thoughts

      • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

        Kahlua is one of my favorites. I’d pour it on my Cheerios in the morning if I could get away with it. Hmm…

        Well, maybe you could use that extra bonus $$ and get yourself another tat in that windswept North Sea town. (sounds like a good future blog post)

  3. thesinglecell December 10, 2012 at 9:39 am #

    Um, I love love love “Love Actually.” I just watched it two nights ago. I think you might be a communist.

    Byronic loves it, too, and his wife loves it even more. I remember this from last year.

    I hate tinsel. I mean I hate it. How can those things be so receptive to static cling? I’m pretty sure that, in my childhood years of super-heated red and green lights on the tree and clingy tinsel everywhere, I went to school with silver strands stuck to my back for a month solid.

    I hate egg nog, so I’m with you there.

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 9:48 am #

      Yes, I know B-man and his wife adore that movie. Along with every other single human being on the planet. If I ever find ONE single person who didn’t like that movie, I will form a support group with them.

      I remember the tinsel would get wrapped around those giant bulbs and fuse to it in a melted goopy mess. My dad was never concerned. He’d just throw them into a ball in the attic and then string them up again the following year. My mom used to even put wrapped presents ON the tree’s branches, so that the paper would be resting right up against one of those 1,000 watt bulbs. I am shocked the tree never went up in flames.

      • thesinglecell December 10, 2012 at 9:55 am #

        That’s down to the “presents on the tree” line from “I’ll Be Home For Christmas.” But hey, back in the day they used actual lit candles. Crazy Victorians.
        My mother. My mother doesn’t like “Love Actually.” Because of the porn-stand-in people. I kind of forgot about them when I showed her the movie. So you can go hang out with her, but I warn you: she will drive you nuts.

      • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 9:56 am #

        The porn stand-in people were the best part.

      • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 9:57 am #

        by the way, my mom drives me batshit insane, too. Your mom and my mom really should get together.

  4. rachelocal December 10, 2012 at 9:43 am #

    I’m with you on the eggnog. I used to enjoy it and then all of a sudden, drinking it was like slurping down nutmeg spiced mucus.

    I remember one year saving a giant present for last. Because the big presents are always the best when you’re 8, right? WRONG! In this giant box was a pair of purple sweatpants with a matching sweatshirt. We’re talking Hanes brand, nothing even remotely fun or cute–not that I would have cared–it was clothes and I was 8. Why did you put it in a giant box, mom and dad? I don’t think they were trying to be funny; I think they ran out of boxes. But still, why let me open it LAST???

    Whew. that felt good to get off my chest. I’m obviously still bitter.

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 9:53 am #

      yes! nutmeg-spiced mucus. That is the perfect description, Rachel. The other problem I have with egg nog is you take two sips and you feel full. Blech. No room for glazed ham.

      Oh, I can feel your bitterness about the purple matching Hanes sweatsuit. There, there. It’s gonna be all right. I once got a ugly green sweater as my ‘big gift’. It had a cow-print across the front.

      Did anyone ever pull the ol’ box-within-a-box trick? yeah, my brothers were brilliant at that. I’d start off with a gigantic box, then open about a million other boxes inside only to find the last present was a gift-wrapped moldy banana. One year, my brother put my cat Fluffy in a box and handed it to me (there were holes, but still) I would like to point out here that everything I’ve said is 100% true, I’m serious.

      • aliceatwonderland December 10, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

        My brother once tricked me into wrapping my own present. That’s not as good as the cat, though.

      • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

        I’m surprised my brothers didn’t try that one on me. They thought they were pretty clever though–one year they wrapped the remote for me.

  5. mentalvacation December 10, 2012 at 9:45 am #

    I actually am stunned at your actual snub of one of my favorite holiday themed movies. Might I suggest “Christmas Puppy” or the “Twelve Dates of Christmas” (with Mark Paul Gossalar!!!!! (sp?)) for your less discriminating tastes. ;)

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 9:55 am #

      I know, Lisa! I know! What the hell is wrong with me? I even watched that movie TWICE. I thought, maybe it’s better the second time around? I think it’s because so many of my friends love that movie and hyped it up to no end.

      And Twelve Dates of Christmas with Mark Paul Gossalar?? Yes, please! You might not believe this but, I love those cheesy Hallmark holiday movies, I do. I’ve been watching them constantly this week. Shhh….don’t tell anyone…

  6. Kitt Crescendo December 10, 2012 at 9:47 am #

    Awww! I was beginning to think I was the only person who was not into that movie or eggnog. I can fake enjoying the movie, but no luck doing that with eggnog. What I can do is bake eggnog cookies. Oddly enough, they taste very different to me than that hideous drink. :-)

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 10:00 am #

      Seriously? really? you didn’t like that movie? Get out! Really? Whew. I was thinking I was the only one. I’ve noticed now there are about 100 different flavors of egg nog available now. chocolate, gingerbread, mocha, maple syrup, candy cane. All sound absolutely disgusting to me.

      • Kitt Crescendo December 10, 2012 at 7:17 pm #

        Me, too. And no, I didn’t like the movie. Even Collin Firth couldn’t save it.

      • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 8:21 am #

        Agreed. If Colin Firth can’t save it, it’s bad. I’m gonna confess something else now that might shock some people: I don’t like Hugh Grant.

  7. susielindau December 10, 2012 at 10:02 am #

    I never felt the tension of Christmas as a kid and my memories are fuzzy but pretty great. As an adult, however, taking the reins was terrifying. I wrote about “Tackling the Turkey” and that anxiety rolled right into Christmas. I think I put a lot of pressure on myself when my whole family started coming out to our house for Christmas. Now I look back and realize it was great fun and wish my parents could still fly out. My sister works retail so we will all go back to Wisconsin in January.

    COME ON DARLA! Sing it with me! “I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes…”

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 10:04 am #

      Hope you enjoy your trip to see your sister. That’s good you have something so happy to look forward to after the craziness of Christmas is over. I worked retail for many, many years, which definitely colored my perception of the holiday season.

      And about that video and song:

      Noooooo,no, no, no nooooooooo!!!

      • susielindau December 10, 2012 at 10:10 am #

        My sister lives out here and will go back to Wisconsin with us. :)

        I loved working retail back in college. Yesterday, I was buying a mattress with Danny. I sold a couple of them to a lady who came into the store while Danny was paying. The owner wanted to hire me on the spot! Hahaha! I didn’t get a commission, but he took $60 off a mattress cover!

      • susielindau December 10, 2012 at 10:11 am #

        Feel free to delete that video. I just had to share it with you. ) Once a year I go on a girl’s weekend to Beaver Creek and it is our theme song!

      • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 10:12 am #

        no, I would never delete it! I kid, I kid. It does have a nice beat to it….

      • susielindau December 10, 2012 at 10:16 am #

        Christmas is all around me, and so the feeling grows….

      • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 10:16 am #

        Tell him you want 20 bucks an hour or no dice.

      • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 10:17 am #

        …I feel it in my fingers…I feel it in my toes…

        (gah! no no no!! I can’t do it, Susie.)

    • k8edid December 10, 2012 at 11:03 am #

      That was disturbing on many levels, and also a lot like the last office Christmas (excuse me, Holiday) party I attended…just kidding.

      • susielindau December 10, 2012 at 12:03 pm #

        I have a feeling it was straight up commission, but I could make bank! :)

      • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

        Do tell us more, Katy!

  8. The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife December 10, 2012 at 10:08 am #

    I took a drink of coffee right as I read “a wagon and a ROCK?!”, and now understand what people mean when they say they almost spewed their coffee on the screen.

    Great post!

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 10:13 am #

      Heehee. My wagon and a rock moment will never die in my family. It will be told to every generation to come.

  9. Go Jules Go December 10, 2012 at 10:31 am #

    Ha! Oh gawd, the line about Julia as your therapist really got me. And the rock with the bow on it, LOL! I really feel like that tale could rival anything in “A Christmas Story.” Now THERE’S a holiday classic.

    I’m a sucker for egg nog, but I put so much rum in it that it doesn’t really taste like egg nog anymore. I should have offered you a chair and some smelling salts before I dropped that bomb, huh?

    • mistyslaws December 10, 2012 at 12:58 pm #

      Dang, Jules. Warn a sistah before you throw down a shocker like that!! I just now got up off of the floor. :p

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 3:34 pm #

      Haha! Yes, I’m feeling mighty faint now, JD…

      come to think of it, I think next time I’ll just pour myself a glass of rum and top it off with egg nog instead.

  10. emjayandthem December 10, 2012 at 10:37 am #

    Loved the movie, can we still be friends? :)

    Egg nog makes me gag and Mariah anything gives me the hives .. except I do like her version of “O Holy Night.”

    My Christmases were shaped by K-Tel commercials … bedazzlers and super slider snow skates :) If only Christmas were that simple anymore
    MJ

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

      I don’t know what it is about Mariah. Maybe it’s her arrogance–how she sings so well and hits those high notes only dogs can hear. Or her hand gestures when she sings, always pointing and wagging her fingers.. But yeah, she gives me hives, too, MJ. Since you told me that, we can still be friends, Love, Actually doesn’t matter now.

  11. Audrey December 10, 2012 at 10:42 am #

    I was one of those quiet kids who was taught to be super polite so my “want list” was more like a “may I please have list”. Despite all that etiquette, I never did get the horse that I asked for every year… Maybe I’ll trying being rude to get it now. ;)

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 3:38 pm #

      Absolutely, make sure you pipe up and scream that you want a horse into Santa’s ear. He loves that. When I asked him about the Raggedy Ann clock, I admit, I was probably whispering. But still. The man set me down a path I could never change after that day.

  12. life is a bowl of kibble December 10, 2012 at 11:02 am #

    The photos are wonderful! I love baby pics even if the baby is all grown up!

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 3:39 pm #

      Aw, me too. I never get sick of looking at old photos or baby photos. I’m always surprised to see myself–is that what I really looked like? who was that girl?

  13. k8edid December 10, 2012 at 11:05 am #

    I do believe Julia should be doing guest posts and answering some of your readers’ questions.

    My grandmother crocheted granny square vests for us all one Christmast. i was not appropriately grateful…for which I was punished. I started hating Christmas about then…

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm #

      Julia is an old soul. Very simple and insightful. She’s always telling us when she’s mad. “Mommy, I am very mad right now.” At least she admits to it and doesn’t bury it like I tend to do.

  14. Bill Hayes December 10, 2012 at 12:17 pm #

    you can be in my gang – I hate Love Actually and Eggnog. and department store Santa’s with their denim jeans and trainers showing under the cloak.

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 3:44 pm #

      Yes! That makes three of us so far! We can all form a People Who Actually Hate Love, Actually page on Facebook.

  15. mistyslaws December 10, 2012 at 12:57 pm #

    A pony. I never did get that pony. Where I lived, it was zoned that you had to have 3 acres to own a horse, and we only had 1 & 1/2. Or at least that was always my parents excuse for why Santa wasn’t able to bring me my horse. Coincidentally, I actually HAVE 3 acres now . . . but still no horse. Hmmm, maybe I need to make a list for Santa this year.

    And you know all about my bah humbugness. I just add lots of liquor now. Hot Chocolate for the boys? Momma needs a little more holiday spirit in hers. Decorating the tree and sitting on ornaments to break them into itty bitty pieces? Yep, just lemme go get a glass of some fortification . . . etc, etc.

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 3:46 pm #

      Aw, a pony! I bet it didn’t take much to get that to come out, now did it, Misty? It’s okay, I promise. You can get your pony one day. Just remember, someone has to clean up after them.

      For a second I thought you wrote a ‘glass of some fornication’. Yowza!

  16. Jennifer December 10, 2012 at 1:40 pm #

    Love the post. I’ve never watched Loce, actually. Probably one of the few. And I really don’t want to. Ditto on the song choices. HATE HATE HATE that Taylor swift song. Right from the get go. I will welcome you in my sunny country for Christmas when ever you like. We are so laid back you’ll not even notice it’s christmas.

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

      Well, now, if you actually haven’t seen it, you still actually might like it, actually.
      My daughter loves that Taylor Swift song so I am doomed to listen to it at full volume every day after I pick her up at school because that song is played 24/7. I am gonna go out on a limb here and declare that song The Worst Song Ever Written.
      And I would love to go to your sunny country for xmas. Laid back you say? I am so there.

      • Jennifer December 10, 2012 at 9:33 pm #

        Ok, so a little white lie. I saw maybe ten minutes then agreed with hubby that it was way too chick flick and turned it off. I much prefer car chases and action/thriller movies. And yes, worst song ever written. Well one of them anyway.

      • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 8:24 am #

        It’s odd, this movie should be something I’d enjoy watching. Maybe I found it to be too over-the-top schmaltz? I tend to prefer more edgy,dark films overall I guess. Just watched Inception last week. Still confused, but I enjoyed it much more than Love, Actually.

  17. renée a. schuls-jacobson December 10, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

    Will you hate me if I tell you I had that clock? I’m curious. Not that I had it or anything. And PS: It’s kind of hilarious that your brother gets you a rock. I love that it’s become a tradition. Also, I swear I didn’t have that clock. I was kidding. Kidding.

    • She's a Maineiac December 10, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

      It’s okay if you have that clock. Really.

      Sniff. Sniff.

      My younger brother actually bought me a version of that vintage clock on eBay about 10 years ago. I think I lost it after we moved a dozen times. But he was sweet to do that for me. I think he must have felt guilty?

      One year Jim bought me a little Red Rider wagon and put a rock inside it. It was when we were first dating so I let it slide.

  18. Facetious Firecracker December 10, 2012 at 4:52 pm #

    I wanted a chemistry set more than anything one year and never got it. I guess it wasn’t a girly enough gift. Also, I don’t get the Love Actually thing, either.

    • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 8:27 am #

      No chem set because it’s not girly enough? What is wrong with Santa? The jerk. Science was the class I excelled at in school. I should’ve asked for a chem set too.
      And yeah! Score another one for someone that didn’t get Love, Actually.

  19. Jackie Cangro December 10, 2012 at 7:54 pm #

    Reggie eats the tinsel off my mom’s tree every year. I spend most of the day trying to keep him away from the tree. I ask her why she insists on putting tinsel on the tree where he can get to it. Her response: You want me to only put tinsel on the top half of the tree? No, Mom. I don’t want you to put tinsel on the tree at all. Yeah, good times.

    • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 8:29 am #

      Does Reggie also stand right up against the tree and wag his tail furiously so all the breakable ornaments fly off and break? My dog was great at that as well.
      About decorating only the top half–we did that for years when my kids were toddlers.

  20. Kathryn McCullough December 10, 2012 at 8:15 pm #

    How funny, Darla! I’m afraid I’m one of those overly cheery types who loved Christmas even when I hate it. Need to learn from your good example here! Sorry to be so behind on my blog reading!
    Hugs,
    Kathy

    • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 8:31 am #

      Oh, no, Kathy, I really am cheery most of the time. I just had to let off a little steam. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s finals week right now and I’m a wee bit stressed? Don’t apologize for being behind on blog reading ever–I am there with you lately. It’s all I can do to throw up a post on my own blog.

  21. John Erickson December 10, 2012 at 8:33 pm #

    Ya know, I was around when Pet Rocks were all the rage. So your request for a wagon and a rock wasn’t all that weird. After all, you wanted your Pet Rock to roll in STYLE, right? ;)
    While I’ve lost some memories I’d really like to get back, I’ve also lost a lot of them around Christmas – especially since my mother had the whole thing so well planned, one year blended into another – at least as far as presents went. Nowadays, I’m REAL easy to get a present for – have Wal-Mart push back when they start playing Christmas music. You know, unlike when they start now – the day after HALLOWEEN!!!!! (Technically, that’s for my wife. Me, I just want about 50 cubic yard of concrete. Never mind what for…. ;) :D )

    • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 8:33 am #

      When I googled images of a rock, I got loads of Pet Rock images with little googly eyes and faces stuck on them. My brothers never thought to do even that, they just handed me a dirty ol’ rock.

      • John Erickson December 11, 2012 at 1:37 pm #

        Hey! You didn’t get a Barbie with her hair done and all dressed up, right? YOU had to put on her outfits and fix her hair. Same with the Pet Rock! It’s called customization! Otherwise, you won’t bond with your new pet rock, you’ll just take it for granite. 8O

  22. sonjaessen December 10, 2012 at 8:54 pm #

    That wagon and a rock story is hilarious! That’s all I gotta say.

    • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 8:35 am #

      And if anyone ever asks me why I’m in therapy now, all I gotta tell them is that rock story.

  23. muddledmom December 10, 2012 at 10:04 pm #

    This is the first year we have put that tinsel on the tree. They should state on the package that it gets EVERYWHERE! If you walk by it, it jumps off the tree and attaches itself to you. I’m not happy about that. And I don’t like eggnog either. Or candy canes much. I pretty much like everything else about Christmas. I think.

    • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 8:45 am #

      I had no idea they still made tinsel. I’ll be sure to stay away from it. It’s bad enough when my kids want to drag out all the craft stuff and next thing I know, there’s a thin coating of glitter all over every square inch of my house.

  24. icescreammama December 10, 2012 at 11:06 pm #

    Love everything about this post – especially the raggedy-ann alarm clock! Bah humbug away! I’m with you. Eggnog is disgusting. Carolers leave my face painted in a stiff smile just waiting for them to leave and for over a month i’m rushing around like a bloated, hormonal ferret! Bring on January. ;)

    • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 8:46 am #

      Oh! you get that bloated hormonal ferret thing too?! Is it bad that I look forward to the week after the holidays?

  25. on thehomefrontandbeyond December 10, 2012 at 11:33 pm #

    thanks for putting the fun back into Christmas

    • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 8:47 am #

      If there’s anything my blog is good for, it’s making readers thankful they didn’t get a rock for xmas every year.

  26. Elyse December 11, 2012 at 12:47 am #

    You are absolutely right about everything, Darla. Fuck Christmas. And egg nog.

    • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 8:49 am #

      Yeah! I was thisclose to using Fuck Christmas as the title of this post but I am a “family” blog after all. Wouldn’t want to start a near riot.

      • Elyse December 11, 2012 at 8:51 am #

        That’s one of the best things about commenting — you can let it all hang out!

      • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 9:00 am #

        Exactly. to me blogging is all about the commenting. If only I could somehow get around the actual writing of the post, I’d have much more fuckin’ fun, Elyse! by the way, did you meet up with our dear friend and MIA blogger Angie, yet??

  27. thoughtsappear December 11, 2012 at 7:17 am #

    Ah yes…the tinsel. No matter how many times I vacuum, that tinsel stinks around for at least 6 months.

    • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 8:50 am #

      The great thing is you can recycle all the extra tinsel you find in your shoes and in the shower drain to put on your tree the following year.

  28. Snoring Dog Studio December 11, 2012 at 7:45 am #

    One of your funniest posts EVER! I am slowly, inexorably drifting into a BAH Humbug Christmas. I can’t seem to fight it off, no matter how much I drink. It doesn’t help that my furnace has been out for five days.

    Mercifully, I cannot remember a shred of Love Actually. I suppose my brain has a banal filter. As far as eggnog – yes, me too. Every year I give it another try, thinking it has magically turned into a Pumpkin Spice Latte. And then the ointment coats the inside of my mouth, lays down that rum-flavored oil slick, and I gag. I love the idea of egg nog – but it never measures up on the taste buds. People think they can add rum to anything and it will be improved. Behold, I give you the fruitcake.

    • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 8:54 am #

      I know, I know. I have to fight off my bah humbug moments all the time. But it seems the older I get, the less energy I have to pretend to be positive.

      No furnace? that deserves some extra drinking–gotta stay warm somehow.

      I love your line “my brain has a banal filter” and “lays down that rum-flavored oil slick” haha!! Your comments are better than my posts.

      • Snoring Dog Studio December 12, 2012 at 7:55 am #

        Well, the furnace is fixed. The check signed and delivered. But my spirits are much lifted and that’s without a glass of wine.

      • She's a Maineiac December 13, 2012 at 7:49 am #

        Hallelujah your furnace is fixed! My spirits are lifted today as well.

  29. Brown Road Chronicles December 11, 2012 at 8:42 am #

    I’m gonna have to disagree with the whole sledding being overrated comment. I LOVE sledding. If there’s anything that makes you feel like a kid again, it’s hurling down the side of a mountain on a sheet of plastic. I agree though that Christmas trees are too safe these days. I think I’ll go the extra mile this year and actually use real burning candles like they used to do before electricity. Now that’s living on the edge!

    • She's a Maineiac December 11, 2012 at 8:58 am #

      OK, I’ll agree, the zooming down the mountain is fun, it’s the other stuff: the trudging back UP the mountain…the frozen ass….the face full of ice and snow as your head slams into the tree at the bottom of the hill…stuff like that.

      With the end of the world and the fiscal cliff looming, I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet we all will be burning candles by the new year.

  30. mariner2mother December 11, 2012 at 6:30 pm #

    No rants here (probably because I just finished a 3 day seminar and my heart is so freeking filled with peace and who gives a shit type attitude. Everything is great- better than drugs). Anyway, just remembering about how my mom would take the candy canes after Christmas and break them up and put them into vanilla icecream to make her own peppermint stick icecream. She was always so proud. Too bad I never really liked it as a kid. And now that I’d like it, I can’t eat dairy. Oh well.

    • She's a Maineiac December 13, 2012 at 7:51 am #

      oh my god, that ice cream sounds like heaven. I am getting very close to a more peaceful don’t-give-a-shit attitude lately, too. I have decided to get back into meditating every single day. I started out with only 10 minutes and am now up to 20. It is keeping me incredibly calm now. Something that’s almost impossible to do this time of year.

  31. pegoleg December 12, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

    Your deaf Santa and the clock/rock story is the saddest/funniest thing I’ve ever heard.

    Thanks for embracing your inner Scrooge – I hope this starts a trend.

    • She's a Maineiac December 13, 2012 at 7:53 am #

      Sad/funny is the best story. Story of my entire life, actually, Pegofrankincense.

      • pegoleg December 18, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

        You crack me up with your myrrhth. (eh? eh?)

  32. Madame Weebles December 12, 2012 at 7:34 pm #

    I too am not a fan of “Love Actually.” I don’t like chick flicks in general. And Hugh Grant irritates me greatly. I love the photo of the rock with the bow on it, it looks so sad. What store hires deaf Santas?? Idiots.

    I’m sort of over the whole holiday thing, to be honest. By the time Christmas rolls around, you’ve already had enough family togetherness from Thanksgiving, and I’m just not into having more. I like doing what my Jewish friends do on Christmas: go for Chinese food and then catch a movie.

    • She's a Maineiac December 13, 2012 at 7:54 am #

      I can’t tell you how much it warms my heart that you also don’t like Hugh Grant. He’s always the same character in every movie. He’s always squinting and bumbling around. I just don’t see the appeal.

      Going for Chinese food sounds perfect. Reminds me of A Christmas Story movie!

      • Madame Weebles December 13, 2012 at 12:21 pm #

        How did I forget about A Christmas Story and the Chinese food?? And totally agree about Hugh Grant—that bumbling, self-effacing Englishman bullshit is really annoying as hell.

      • pegoleg December 18, 2012 at 4:54 pm #

        I like Hugh Grant in “About A Boy” which I saw the other day. Just about his only good movie.

  33. earthriderjudyberman December 12, 2012 at 10:39 pm #

    Darla, one year my hubby and I went sledding for 2 1/2 hours. It was exhilarating.
    My movie pics are “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” (even though the latter was about getting home in time for Thanksgiving).

    I had to chuckle at your rock story. We pass a piece of coal around to a different family member each Christmas. Some even request it. I guess our family really does need therapy. :-)

    Merry Christmas to you and yours.

    • She's a Maineiac December 13, 2012 at 7:56 am #

      Sledding is fun, I just could do without the painful landings. My husband usually builds this giant snow/ice covered ramp at the end to make sure I take off 10 feet into the air.
      You know I love Planes, Trains and Automobiles. One of my fave all-time movies.
      Merry Christmas to you too, Judy!

  34. Angie Z. December 15, 2012 at 9:37 pm #

    These photos are da bomb! I remember that one of you on Santa’s lap — how could I forget those glasses?! But I really love the ones with the stockings in the background — those old felt stockings with the sewn on pictures were so amazing! I forgot all about them. My mom sewed us these plain ol’ quilted cotton and velvet ones that were so not fun. I was jealous of my best friend and her family’s stockings, which looked much like yours. Reindeers and Santas on them. No wonder why I only got lumps of coal in mine.

    I hate, hate, hate that damn Mariah song.

    • She's a Maineiac December 17, 2012 at 8:34 pm #

      It’s funny you zeroed in on the old handmade stockings. We still have them! yes, indeedy. My mom handknit all of them. I especially loved my stocking in the middle there, you know, the GIGANTIC one? yeah. I was a bit spoiled. Explains a lot. Are you back in the WP land now, Angie? for realz? Please say yes. I promise, I will never use the word ‘realz’ again if you stay.

      • Angie Z. December 17, 2012 at 9:48 pm #

        I dunno…January sounds good to me. Are you going to be around?

      • She's a Maineiac December 18, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

        January sounds perfect. I am taking a few weeks off over the winter vacation to try and get my mojo back.

        See you next year! haha! get it? NEXT year? Oh, I kill me!

        Buh buh buh buh buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

      • pegoleg December 18, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

        Your “buuu…” ending went all the way off the edge of my screen. How’d you do that?

        Hi Ang. Miss you.

  35. kimcorsoro December 16, 2012 at 10:29 pm #

    I feel ya, sister. Things start to get on my nerves easily as well. I usually write it off to seasonal affective disorder but also think that it’s all the pressure to be merry. I am so annoyed by all the damn christmas sweaters and the “we got our shopping done … tree up … fill in the blank as to which Christmas chore that muzt get done.”
    I have had no desire to see Love Actually, I actually like eggnog, but I am getting to the point of never never wanting to hear that Taylor Swift song again

    • She's a Maineiac December 17, 2012 at 8:36 pm #

      I really think I might be affected by the lack of sunlight. It gets dark at 4 pm now and that’s just so wrong. You should see Love, Actually, because so many people seem to really love it. I figure I’m one of the few who didn’t.

  36. Dana December 17, 2012 at 2:14 am #

    I’ll be spending my first Christmas at the in-laws in six years. Throw in the whole ‘Mayan end of the world’ thing, and it should be great times! Wish me luck (as I scratch my own eyeballs out!)

    • She's a Maineiac December 17, 2012 at 8:37 pm #

      Ooh! I smell a good blog post, Dana! Good luck with the eyeball scratching thing. Six years??! It might be a rude awakening for you, don’t wanna scare ya, just warn you a little.

  37. hollybernabe December 17, 2012 at 3:53 am #

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen this “Love, Actually” movie. Is it a rom-com? I despise rom-coms. Well, despise is a strong word. I definitely do NOT love them. It’s a rare rom-com that has me laughing. An even rarer one that I will publicly admit that I like. Most of the time, I don’t bother watching them because they bore me.

    *looking it up on imdb* OMG. It’s got Hugh Grant. Ugh. Sounds suspiciously like a rom-com. But it’s got Liam Neeson in it. I don’t think of him as rom-com material. *reading the synopsis* Okaaaay…sounds a lot like the rom part and not any bit of com part at all. Sounds even more boring. I’ll pass.

    • She's a Maineiac December 17, 2012 at 8:39 pm #

      I’m with you. I really like Liam Neeson normally. And rom-coms aren’t my cup of tea. Most of them are way too predictable and sappy. this one was both for me.

      • hollybernabe December 17, 2012 at 9:18 pm #

        We must not be chicks. Rom-coms are supposed to be chick flicks. LOL. Are we the only two women on the planet who don’t care for them? I can deal with predictable…to a point. But add in the sappy factor and I’m done. Bleah.

  38. irishmrs December 17, 2012 at 6:21 am #

    OMG, this totally cracked me up!!! Loved it!!

  39. Running from Hell with El December 17, 2012 at 10:17 pm #

    Big smiles. Thank you for the laughs!

  40. dearrosie December 22, 2012 at 8:29 pm #

    Well after 114 comments (very nice that!) I can say that no one likes eggnog. So why is it still being sold as THE Christmas drink?

    My brothers gift wrapped a wagon and a rock for me every year ..
    Brothers never forget those things eh? I know – I have two of them.

    • She's a Maineiac December 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm #

      I suppose I should be happy egg nog is only available a short time. And brothers are pretty good at being ruthless.

  41. moviewriternyu December 23, 2012 at 12:40 pm #

    You’re a Mainer, too? Wicked awesome! Happy Holidays! Very funny stuff…

    • She's a Maineiac December 23, 2012 at 12:43 pm #

      Well, now I suppose it IS wickahd awesome. Happy holidays to you as well!

  42. Shannon December 26, 2012 at 7:46 pm #

    Your Carey and Swift comments made me spill wine. Those two songs alone keep my radio turned off — or at least to NPR. Really.

    • She's a Maineiac December 27, 2012 at 6:09 pm #

      I am so saddened to hear of this wine-spillage, Shannon!

      • Shannon December 27, 2012 at 9:05 pm #

        Don’t worry. I licked it all up, sucked what I could out of the keyboard before dunking it water. Nothing wasted, and good as new. :)

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