Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be bloggers

(The following is my typical inner dialogue seconds after I wake up.)

Wha–? Who? Where….?  Oh, god. Why. Why?  Dear lord, why?

Why must I wake up?

And always at the wrong time! Brad Pitt and George Clooney were inviting me to become their new hot sidekick because only I can infiltrate the Bellagio and crack open the vault using my razor-sharp wits and leather-clad thighs as weapons! Figures!

Dammit!

I am gonna die.

I swear–I really mean it this time.

Am I dead?

Hold on–I’m thinking….so I can’t be. I still exist. Right?

Who am I again? I’m still alive? Again?

And apparently, I’m still me.  Great. Just fabulous. Is this how it’s gonna work? This is how it’s gonna play out? Again with the morning and with the being me and the facing of the day and the responsibilities and blah, blah, blah…?

No Ocean’s 14? Crap, it’s fading away.

Don’t go, Brad! Don’t leave me!

Well, hell.

Might as well go with being me again.

Ugh. Move body, move! Get up already! Greet the f*&%ing day!

Ooof. Oh no, no, no, noooooo. Whoa. Too fast. That’s waaaaay too fast. Go slow. Slower. Slooooooower.

Roll. Just roll your body out of the bed. Legs first and the rest will follow. You can do it.

But it hurts. Oh, god, how it hurts! My back! My neck! I can’t do this anymore. Too old for this shit.

I know what will help.

Where’s that infernal coffee?

[Shuffle, shuffle]

[Pour]

coffee

[Slurp]

Ahhhh.

Better.

Not good, just better.

Now where’s that iPad? [Slurp]

coffee_table_ipad

Ah, it’s right there on the table.

Taunting me.

Pfffft. Stupid computer and stupid Internet.

I don’t need you.

I can go a day without you.

coffee_table_ipad

Jeezum crow. Get a grip, girl. Look at me, it’s only 6 am and already I need to get on the blasted Internet.

It’s so sad.

God, I’m so pathetic. Just look away. Look away.

coffee

[slurp]

Gah. This coffee’s terrible.

coffee_table_ipad

Maybe just one peek…? Heh? Just one look…c’mon…who’s it gonna hurt?

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

I won’t do it.

I won’t.

coffee_table_ipad

Damn you! I’m on YouTube…no, no, nooooo! Cute puppies! Giggly babies!
Freaky cats who say stupid things!

funny-cat-meme

Cat-owl_o_104676

Ah!…hahahahahaaaaaaa! It’s funny! It really is!

I’m so ashamed.

God, I hate myself.

…now off to check Facebook to remind myself of why I don’t like Facebook….waste more time…type, type, type…uh huh..why yes….I do indeed like your status….Click, click, click. Like, Like, Like….Oh crap. I just liked someone’s update that her great-grandma died. And that she lost her job the same day. Right after her husband left her for a 21 year old named Amber. Unlike! Unlike! Quick! UNLIKE!!

Now gotta check email…..yada, yada, yada….look around to be sure my husband doesn’t see me on the computer yet again….shh…it’s okay….no one knows I’m on the net, it’s all good….now onto….

WordPress! YES!

Must check blog….check stats…..quick, hurry up…type fast…no one will know, right? It’s okay…I can do this…I don’t have a problem….OH, shit, here comes my husband and the kids….quick, check your blog! It’s not loading!! It won’t load! I’ve gotta see my blog…maybe there’s a comment….??? Oh, god! I have to see who’s been Freshly Pressed! What if it’s someone I know! What if it’s me?! It’s not me. But what if it’s me! Hurry! Hurry! Check it! They’re coming!…….load already!….Oh god, it’s the stupid spinny thing!

Load_job

It’s not loading! It’s just spinning! The third circle of downloading hell has descended upon my computer! It’s going faster but nothing’s happening! What if it never stops? I think I’m getting a migraine now! Load you stupid piece of crap! I hate you! I hate everything you stand for! I hate myself for hating you! I love you! I can’t live without you! God! Help me!

Crap! Here they come! Quick! Throw the iPad to the side!

Stay cool. Cool. Whistle. Twiddle thumbs. Be cool. Beeeee cooooool. Breathe. Yup. Just sip your coffee and maybe they’ll sniff you and go away.

Okay, whew! They’re gone. I threw some Cap’n Crunch at them and they left.

Hallelujah!

Alone! Time to write. Must write. No choice. If only I could come up with a post. Something. Anything.

Politics? Pizza? Dogs? Republican dogs who eat pizza?

save

Ugh, dear God.  I got nothing.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll quit blogging.

After I see my stats for this post.

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118 thoughts on “Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be bloggers

    • I couldn’t type out that title without hearing a little western twang in my voice….”don’t let yer babies…grow up…to be bloggers…” I reckon you’d be MUCH better at singing and playing it on yer gee-tar!

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  1. Ha…I cannot even get through a bit of insomnia without picking up the laptop, or the I Pad or the smart phone to see the blog stuff. It’s a sickness, Darla. A sickness. I had the stupid spinny thing yesterday alot.

    Just a few minutes ago, my husband gently suggested maybe I would have fewer headaches and less blurry vision if I just gave the computer “a little rest”. Don’t worry. He wasn’t badly hurt…

    And another thing – Why does coffee taste so good the first few sips and then like ground tree bark steeped in pond water after I’ve been awake for while? Huh? Huh?

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    • It is a sickness, Katy! A real addiction. Once, through sheer will and lots of pain killers, I managed to go an entire day without checking my computer once. That was a record for me. Pathetic. And I know if I took more breaks, I’d probably miss the internet less and less. But I just don’t wanna take that chance.

      As for eyesight, my eyes are quickly getting worse. Everything is blurry. I blame blogging.

      If only my coffee tasted as good as that first gulp–you’re so right. Tree bark steeped in pond water is an accurate description. Blech. Mine is more of a blend of dishwater mixed with feet. maybe I just make crappy coffee?

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      • I forgot to mention it was tree bark where the dogs have relieved themselves…I love my Keurig, because I usually only like the first cup brewed…and each cup is brewed just for me. I’ve found I can’t drink coffee that has been sitting around at all.

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      • Haha! I bet that dog urine gives it that extra zing. Oh yeah, my in-laws have the Keurig and it is a beautiful thing! I am asking for one for Christmas this year….I used to actually reheat my coffee in the microwave. yuck!

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  2. I know the feeling, Darla. And I also now know why I don’t have an i-pad… ‘cos I’d probably take it to bed with me (and possibly a sandwich, too).

    My husband makes those don’t-understand-this noises, but then I catch him reading his two fave blogs… (but he’s still, not yet, caught the blog-it-y9urself bug. Just the reading blogs bug.)

    And I am still none the wiser, today, about what I’m gonna blog about next…

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    • The iPad does make a great little tray for my sandwich and beer, Val. This is why I blog so much. At least your husband reads blogs. Mine doesn’t even read mine. I think he prefers to be completely oblivious to all things wordpress.

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  3. Like! Like! Like! And not just for the cat pics, either. (I burst out laughing at the grandmother status bit.)

    I’m glad you’re addicted to the interwebz, DP, because you make it a better place to stalk hang out. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think my Stats page finally loaded.

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  4. I know exactly how you feel. Except in my case, WordPress is really cutting into my Facebook time. And if not for videos posted by WP bloggers, Youtube would be completely absent from my life.

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  5. writing is therapy,, cheap therapy, but it does consume time… I enjoy reading other blogs, but feel guilty when I can’t read and feel guilt when I do because it takes time away from other tasks…. I think you got it! Good post and heopfully my boss (aka wife) won’t catch me responding to another post before I gade a stack of papers or balance the checkbook…. arrrggghhhhh! Have a great day!

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    • Yes, you’ve nailed it, Clay. It’s the guilt that kills you. Ooh….I really, really shouldn’t be reading so many blogs…and I really, really shouldn’t be commenting so much…but…I’ve just got to! It’s an addiction, a good addiction to have, but it still drives my husband nuts when I’m on the computer so much.

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  6. oh-does this sound like me in some aspects–my husband has taken to calling this my evil laptop–and I too try to get off my blog and pretend I am writing for actual money and not for fun–I am addicted to blogging–there is no doubt–now I have to find–what is that word again –?–balance (personally I think it is way over-rated)

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  7. The owl picture. LOL. :)

    Yeah, that damn “new post” page stares at me mockingly. And then it starts with the name calling. But I can’t stay away. And I eventually bang something out. Even if it’s only about how freaking cold I am.

    But I can stop any time I want. Really. I’m not addicted. Nope.

    For blogging at least . . . for coffee? That’s an entirely different story.

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  8. LOL! You are so hooked (I was going to use another word, but censored myself). Lucky for me, my husband is more hooked on the internet than I am, so the fact that breakfast isn’t even started until I check my e-mail, doesn’t phase my family (I’ve got them trained). Although, I have to say that checking my blog is definitely after e-mail and Facebook. No matter, I loved this piece- was right there beside you the whole way.

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    • First–never feel you have to censor yourself over here, Sue. I welcome your candor.
      Second–my husband is just as addicted to the net, you’re right. He just spends his time looking up airplanes and aviation stuff. Yeah, that’s it. I’m sure that’s what he’s doing….

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  9. LOL! I am exactly the same as you. I wish I could be one of those glossy people who bounces out of bed and heads off for an early morning run to power them through the day. But my downfall is checking my email and my blog when I eat breakfast. I get distracted…..and then, whoops, half an hour has gone by. Facebook sucks me in, it’s like a vortex of time-wasting!

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    • Grr…down with glossy people! I’m with you. Getting out of bed is a huge challenge for me lately. The only thing that gets me awake and eager to face the day is getting on the internet. Oh, and the kids. Yeah, I love to see their smiling faces in the morning. But mostly, the net.

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  10. Darla, you are so freaking funny you should be Freshly Pressed every single day. That, when I see a post from you, I squeal and put my hands on the screen and squeeze very tightly. You should feel good about yourself, knowing that every day I’m squishing you with love.

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    • Renee, I’m feelin’ the love for sure. Thank you. Having someone say I’m freaking funny gives me a reason to live. (am I being overly dramatic?) I will feel good about myself, dammit. I’m smart enough. I’m good enough. And, doggone it, people like me.

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  11. You’re wrong, Darla. All Wrong.

    Blogging is love. L-O-V-E. Those hit’s are hugs; the “likes” are kisses, the comments are promises to always adore you.

    Aren’t they?

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  12. My cats never tell me I’m on the Internet too much. In fact, they usually go and turn it on for me and make sure the latest Maru or Henri video is up and loaded for me, and they even go get me coffee so I can check email, Facebook, and WordPress. They seem to really be into this internet thing too. I must be going crazy, though, because would you believe I actually thought I heard them talking about it? Something about a master plan and world domination? I don’t know, I must have been dreaming. I mean, c’mon…cats can’t talk! Can they…? Nah!

    Excuse me, I have to go check the weather and the sales at talbots.com and I also need to find out who wore an ugly dress to some random Hollywood event, and then the girls have made a list of at least 15 videos that I just HAVE to watch, and I’ve just thought of yet another obscure fact I wanted to check. Hey, just how old is Abe Vigoda anyway? He’s still alive, right? Oh yeah, and then I have to sleep and work.

    (Holy crap…there’s actually an Abe Vigoda Status website. Every time you reload, it updates to tell you if he’s alive or not. That’s the whole site. I kid you not: http://www.abevigoda.com/ How can you NOT love this place?)

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    • Hahahahahahaha! Oh my gosh! Had I not just gone to the bathroom, I would have pee’d my pants. The Abe Vigoda website!! Oh my stars. Best laugh. Well, best laugh after Darla’s brilliant post, of course.

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    • Oh, Darla, I certainly hope one of your cats isn’t reading your comment right now. If so, you’re on your own.

      Speaking of random Hollywood events and wasting valuable time–last night I spent an hour on the net looking at all the fashions at last night’s SAG awards. I thought SAG was referring to their facelifts and/or boob jobs. My picks and pans: I thought J. Law looked fab but Justin Timberlake looked terrible.

      I can’t WAIT to see what this Abe Vigoda thing is about. I’m am alllllll over that.

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  13. This blogging thing is some kind of craziness. I’ve stressed my husband to death about needing to add links to a post. His response is always complete confusion. It’s a blog thing, an internet cyber-y thing, not the end of the world. Clearly he doesn’t get it.

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  14. I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t write a thing in a houseful of people. It’s like trying to do your business with an audience. Nothing. I’d get nothing. But then, you’re a mom – you have super powers that I lack. And you need a mom cave, by the way.

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  15. I HATE the spinny loading thing! Is it me or is WP having some trouble lately? Always with the spinny loading thing! But congrats on making it to another 7am. What do you do with the rest of the day? ;-)

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  16. Oh, Lordy, Lordy Darl-f-inbrilliant. I have climbed the mountain and seen the face of truth right here on this blog. You speak my life (without the kids and the Capn Crunch. Do you know how many CALORIES are in that stuff?)

    Where are the Freshly Pressed gods? Come lookie, lookie at what Darla can do!

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  17. I’m speechless. Really. Because I’m laughing hysterically (although quietly because I’m at work). The spinny thingy completely bowled me over. I’m done for! Total reality and total hilarity, Darla. How doooooo you do it, girl?!? Hugs! XOXO-SWM

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  18. Oh, good, it’s not just me with the problem. You know what’s fun? When someone talks about quitting Facebook on their blog. Get it? On the blog. You’re trading one addiction for another!

    I really do have a problem. Is there a blogging AA group? Should we start one? We can meet on our blogs.

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  19. Lucky for me, no children in the house and a husband who is gone all day. No one to see that I’m practically wearing my iPad. You have such a quick, sharp mind, Darla, that you never seem to be at a loss for a new post. Even when you can’t think of a topi, THAT becomes the topic! You are incredible, and this was terribly funny, as always.

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  20. Pingback: Mama’s Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Bloggers | The Brown Road Chronicles

  21. A handful of Cap’n Crunch would get rid of me, too. It’s so sweet and corn flavory, and as an added bonus it shreds the roof of my mouth.

    But really — quit blogging? You’re never getting out of here, Darla. You’re a lifer.

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  22. Dang, you even have interesting wake ups! Me, it’s usually a groan and a mental “Dang that bathroom being at the other end of the house!” :D
    (Yes, back from my mental R&R, more or less. Trying to catch back up!)

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  23. “Now gotta check email…..yada, yada, yada….look around to be sure my husband doesn’t see me on the computer yet again….shh…it’s okay….no one knows I’m on the net, it’s all good….now onto….

    WordPress! YES!”

    This killed me. Flinging cereal at the babes so I can “sneak” on the web at 6am happens just about on the daily at my house. I soooo try to hide my addiction from my husband by multi tasking convos with him I could care less about. I think he’s on to me. Glad to know I’m not the only blogging/internet and coffee addicted SAHM junkie out here.

    Like

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