(The following is my typical inner dialogue seconds after I wake up.)
Wha–? Who? Where….? Oh, god. Why. Why? Dear lord, why?
Why must I wake up?
And always at the wrong time! Brad Pitt and George Clooney were inviting me to become their new hot sidekick because only I can infiltrate the Bellagio and crack open the vault using my razor-sharp wits and leather-clad thighs as weapons! Figures!
Dammit!
I am gonna die.
I swear–I really mean it this time.
Am I dead?
Hold on–I’m thinking….so I can’t be. I still exist. Right?
Who am I again? I’m still alive? Again?
And apparently, I’m still me. Great. Just fabulous. Is this how it’s gonna work? This is how it’s gonna play out? Again with the morning and with the being me and the facing of the day and the responsibilities and blah, blah, blah…?
No Ocean’s 14? Crap, it’s fading away.
Don’t go, Brad! Don’t leave me!
Well, hell.
Might as well go with being me again.
Ugh. Move body, move! Get up already! Greet the f*&%ing day!
Ooof. Oh no, no, no, noooooo. Whoa. Too fast. That’s waaaaay too fast. Go slow. Slower. Slooooooower.
Roll. Just roll your body out of the bed. Legs first and the rest will follow. You can do it.
But it hurts. Oh, god, how it hurts! My back! My neck! I can’t do this anymore. Too old for this shit.
I know what will help.
Where’s that infernal coffee?
[Shuffle, shuffle]
[Pour]
[Slurp]
Ahhhh.
Better.
Not good, just better.
Now where’s that iPad? [Slurp]
Ah, it’s right there on the table.
Taunting me.
Pfffft. Stupid computer and stupid Internet.
I don’t need you.
I can go a day without you.
Jeezum crow. Get a grip, girl. Look at me, it’s only 6 am and already I need to get on the blasted Internet.
It’s so sad.
God, I’m so pathetic. Just look away. Look away.
[slurp]
Gah. This coffee’s terrible.
Maybe just one peek…? Heh? Just one look…c’mon…who’s it gonna hurt?
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I won’t do it.
I won’t.
Damn you! I’m on YouTube…no, no, nooooo! Cute puppies! Giggly babies!
Freaky cats who say stupid things!
Ah!…hahahahahaaaaaaa! It’s funny! It really is!
I’m so ashamed.
God, I hate myself.
…now off to check Facebook to remind myself of why I don’t like Facebook….waste more time…type, type, type…uh huh..why yes….I do indeed like your status….Click, click, click. Like, Like, Like….Oh crap. I just liked someone’s update that her great-grandma died. And that she lost her job the same day. Right after her husband left her for a 21 year old named Amber. Unlike! Unlike! Quick! UNLIKE!!
Now gotta check email…..yada, yada, yada….look around to be sure my husband doesn’t see me on the computer yet again….shh…it’s okay….no one knows I’m on the net, it’s all good….now onto….
WordPress! YES!
Must check blog….check stats…..quick, hurry up…type fast…no one will know, right? It’s okay…I can do this…I don’t have a problem….OH, shit, here comes my husband and the kids….quick, check your blog! It’s not loading!! It won’t load! I’ve gotta see my blog…maybe there’s a comment….??? Oh, god! I have to see who’s been Freshly Pressed! What if it’s someone I know! What if it’s me?! It’s not me. But what if it’s me! Hurry! Hurry! Check it! They’re coming!…….load already!….Oh god, it’s the stupid spinny thing!
It’s not loading! It’s just spinning! The third circle of downloading hell has descended upon my computer! It’s going faster but nothing’s happening! What if it never stops? I think I’m getting a migraine now! Load you stupid piece of crap! I hate you! I hate everything you stand for! I hate myself for hating you! I love you! I can’t live without you! God! Help me!
Crap! Here they come! Quick! Throw the iPad to the side!
Stay cool. Cool. Whistle. Twiddle thumbs. Be cool. Beeeee cooooool. Breathe. Yup. Just sip your coffee and maybe they’ll sniff you and go away.
Okay, whew! They’re gone. I threw some Cap’n Crunch at them and they left.
Hallelujah!
Alone! Time to write. Must write. No choice. If only I could come up with a post. Something. Anything.
Politics? Pizza? Dogs? Republican dogs who eat pizza?
Ugh, dear God. I got nothing.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll quit blogging.
After I see my stats for this post.
She's A Maineiac 
Some members of my family just “don’t get it.” You do and I know there are 100 comments coming from those who do! Thank you for this. Have a great rest of the day blogging, of course.
It’s just so sad, Georgette. What is wrong with me?? Glad you can relate though. Off to catch up on reading some blogs right now!
Oh and by the way, my husband thinks I’m crazy for blogging as much as I do. He will never ‘get’ it.
Read, baby, read, post, comment and like. It’s our mantra, “n’est-ce pas?”
Oh yeah, and my husband– like K8’s–says I don’t need new glasses, I just need to step away from the computer.
it is our mantra–and when you run out of post ideas–write about that!
The first step is admitting you have a problem! Based on that title though, I think I feel a song coming on!
I couldn’t type out that title without hearing a little western twang in my voice….”don’t let yer babies…grow up…to be bloggers…” I reckon you’d be MUCH better at singing and playing it on yer gee-tar!
Ha…I cannot even get through a bit of insomnia without picking up the laptop, or the I Pad or the smart phone to see the blog stuff. It’s a sickness, Darla. A sickness. I had the stupid spinny thing yesterday alot.
Just a few minutes ago, my husband gently suggested maybe I would have fewer headaches and less blurry vision if I just gave the computer “a little rest”. Don’t worry. He wasn’t badly hurt…
And another thing – Why does coffee taste so good the first few sips and then like ground tree bark steeped in pond water after I’ve been awake for while? Huh? Huh?
It is a sickness, Katy! A real addiction. Once, through sheer will and lots of pain killers, I managed to go an entire day without checking my computer once. That was a record for me. Pathetic. And I know if I took more breaks, I’d probably miss the internet less and less. But I just don’t wanna take that chance.
As for eyesight, my eyes are quickly getting worse. Everything is blurry. I blame blogging.
If only my coffee tasted as good as that first gulp–you’re so right. Tree bark steeped in pond water is an accurate description. Blech. Mine is more of a blend of dishwater mixed with feet. maybe I just make crappy coffee?
I forgot to mention it was tree bark where the dogs have relieved themselves…I love my Keurig, because I usually only like the first cup brewed…and each cup is brewed just for me. I’ve found I can’t drink coffee that has been sitting around at all.
Haha! I bet that dog urine gives it that extra zing. Oh yeah, my in-laws have the Keurig and it is a beautiful thing! I am asking for one for Christmas this year….I used to actually reheat my coffee in the microwave. yuck!
I know the feeling, Darla. And I also now know why I don’t have an i-pad… ‘cos I’d probably take it to bed with me (and possibly a sandwich, too).
My husband makes those don’t-understand-this noises, but then I catch him reading his two fave blogs… (but he’s still, not yet, caught the blog-it-y9urself bug. Just the reading blogs bug.)
And I am still none the wiser, today, about what I’m gonna blog about next…
The iPad does make a great little tray for my sandwich and beer, Val. This is why I blog so much. At least your husband reads blogs. Mine doesn’t even read mine. I think he prefers to be completely oblivious to all things wordpress.
Like! Like! Like! And not just for the cat pics, either. (I burst out laughing at the grandmother status bit.)
I’m glad you’re addicted to the interwebz, DP, because you make it a better place to
stalkhang out. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think my Stats page finally loaded.When I put those cat pics up there, I thought of you, JD. How can you look away from something so freaking adorable and funny? I have zero power when it comes to wasting my time on the internet.
I know exactly how you feel. Except in my case, WordPress is really cutting into my Facebook time. And if not for videos posted by WP bloggers, Youtube would be completely absent from my life.
Exactly! I have to confess I used to be addicted to facebook. Until wordpress came into my life. I just traded one addiction for another. I much prefer wasting time here though, for sure.
Well, yes, I’d rather read something entertaining or informative from some one I don’t know, than be constantly updated on where some of my friends check in and look at pictures of their food.
I had oatmeal with sliced bananas while hovering over my kitchen sink this morning. Tomorrow–who knows? maybe toast at the kitchen table?? I’ll be sure to check in on facebook later. (TMI?)
Are you trying to relapse me back into my Facebook addiction? Sorry, this won’t work without the pictures.
writing is therapy,, cheap therapy, but it does consume time… I enjoy reading other blogs, but feel guilty when I can’t read and feel guilt when I do because it takes time away from other tasks…. I think you got it! Good post and heopfully my boss (aka wife) won’t catch me responding to another post before I gade a stack of papers or balance the checkbook…. arrrggghhhhh! Have a great day!
Yes, you’ve nailed it, Clay. It’s the guilt that kills you. Ooh….I really, really shouldn’t be reading so many blogs…and I really, really shouldn’t be commenting so much…but…I’ve just got to! It’s an addiction, a good addiction to have, but it still drives my husband nuts when I’m on the computer so much.
oh-does this sound like me in some aspects–my husband has taken to calling this my evil laptop–and I too try to get off my blog and pretend I am writing for actual money and not for fun–I am addicted to blogging–there is no doubt–now I have to find–what is that word again –?–balance (personally I think it is way over-rated)
Yeah, it IS overrated. Who needs balance? I say tip over to the dark side and revel in it. The great thing about blogging is it’s completely free AND you make zero money at it. So it’s for pure pleasure. Right?
pure pleasure – absolutely–but I keep trying to figure out how to make some money to keep my hub happy
The owl picture. LOL. 🙂
Yeah, that damn “new post” page stares at me mockingly. And then it starts with the name calling. But I can’t stay away. And I eventually bang something out. Even if it’s only about how freaking cold I am.
But I can stop any time I want. Really. I’m not addicted. Nope.
For blogging at least . . . for coffee? That’s an entirely different story.
And also? I feel like I’m stalking Jules today. The last 3 posts I commented mere moments after she did.
Where are we going next, Jules? 😉
The liquor store. Don’t forget the Korbel.
Korbel. Good stuff! I am currently drinking a Beck’s though. It’ll have to do, I guess.
The owl picture did me in, too. So sad.
I loved your post about being cold. This is the stuff I live for, Misty. Keep it comin’! Crank some more bloggy gold out! I need something to read! Feed my addiction!
LOL! You are so hooked (I was going to use another word, but censored myself). Lucky for me, my husband is more hooked on the internet than I am, so the fact that breakfast isn’t even started until I check my e-mail, doesn’t phase my family (I’ve got them trained). Although, I have to say that checking my blog is definitely after e-mail and Facebook. No matter, I loved this piece- was right there beside you the whole way.
First–never feel you have to censor yourself over here, Sue. I welcome your candor.
Second–my husband is just as addicted to the net, you’re right. He just spends his time looking up airplanes and aviation stuff. Yeah, that’s it. I’m sure that’s what he’s doing….
LOL! I am exactly the same as you. I wish I could be one of those glossy people who bounces out of bed and heads off for an early morning run to power them through the day. But my downfall is checking my email and my blog when I eat breakfast. I get distracted…..and then, whoops, half an hour has gone by. Facebook sucks me in, it’s like a vortex of time-wasting!
Grr…down with glossy people! I’m with you. Getting out of bed is a huge challenge for me lately. The only thing that gets me awake and eager to face the day is getting on the internet. Oh, and the kids. Yeah, I love to see their smiling faces in the morning. But mostly, the net.
No, people who don’t do it don’t get it. Those that get it…well…oh, sorry, gotta go, I think a comment just landed in my “inbox”…
Oh, D. Poor, sweet D. You too? I am so so sorry. There, there. It’ll be all right. Just get on youtube and watch some giggly baby video and it’ll be just fine, I promise.
Don’t forget about that awkward pause between posting a particularly witty comment on your most -favorite followed blog … and waiting to get a response. I don’t mean this post. Some other blog. Oh, gawd. More awkward.
What?! who did this to you? I’ll fix ’em!
(I’ve had that happen to me many many times. You craft this brilliant comment, then you get in response: nada. But you just gotta keep on pushing through. You can overcome, I have faith in you)
It’s me!! I know, I’m sorry. Mea culpa. I am so guilty of this. You guys make BRILLIANT comments on my otherwise mediocre blog, and I don’t get around to commenting sometimes for weeks!! I’m horrible. I know. But I LOVE your comments. And really appreciate them. And think they are so very witty and wonderful. Better? No? Damn.
Oh! it’s you! Well…I take it back, I’d never try to ‘fix’ you….
And you do not have a mediocre blog. puhlease!
As for me leaving brilliant comments…well…I have to disagree with you there. Oh, you were talking to her, weren’t you? nevermind…
Awww. Thank you for the OCD-inspired monitoring of your blog and quick response. 🙂 I’m afraid that other bloggers have lives outside of their computers. And, no children. (WTF?!)
There is life outside of computers?!
I had one … a long time ago … I just emailed a drunk tale about it to Jules. After reliving it through writing it, I’m not sure which is worse.
Can’t wait to see what story wins. She’ll have a hard time picking one.
That’s the fun of it, right? I don’t care who wins, well, maybe a little, but, I am interested in the stories.
Darla, you are so freaking funny you should be Freshly Pressed every single day. That, when I see a post from you, I squeal and put my hands on the screen and squeeze very tightly. You should feel good about yourself, knowing that every day I’m squishing you with love.
Renee, I’m feelin’ the love for sure. Thank you. Having someone say I’m freaking funny gives me a reason to live. (am I being overly dramatic?) I will feel good about myself, dammit. I’m smart enough. I’m good enough. And, doggone it, people like me.
Ah, hilarious!!!!!!
But….how’d you get in my head like that?
Something tells me I’ve managed to get in every blogger’s head with this one….we are all doomed.
You’re wrong, Darla. All Wrong.
Blogging is love. L-O-V-E. Those hit’s are hugs; the “likes” are kisses, the comments are promises to always adore you.
Aren’t they?
Abso-positively-lutely! comments are just like crack. I’ll never be satisfied.
Thanks, Darla. Before I read this, I felt so ALONE – thought no one could relate to how I felt. Now, I know better. Gotta go. Have. to. check. my. stats. (lol) This made me smile.
Oh, no, you’re never alone. There will always be another pathetic blogger like me to commiserate with, have no fear.
I read the whole post but got kind of stuck on Brad Pitt and George Clooney. You had me at hello, Darla. =)
Stacie, I almost couldn’t get past the Ocean’s 14 thing while I was writing it. I left a lot of that dream out, too. This here’s a ‘family’ blog. I guess.
I hate that stupid spinny thing. It never loads fast enough when my husband or kids are coming and I’m just on the computer “real quick.” This must be what addiction is like.
I knew I was in trouble when I found myself checking my blog while hiding in the bathroom linen closet.
I’m so glad you didn’t say toilet.
perfect post. love the throwing of captain crunch. i hide from my husband and kids with the computer too. they think i have a problem. feh! maybe they have a problem. 😉
Yeah! It’s them, dammit! So what if my fingers are permanently attached to my iPad. Would it kill them to get their own Cap’n Crunch for a change? Sheesh.
My cats never tell me I’m on the Internet too much. In fact, they usually go and turn it on for me and make sure the latest Maru or Henri video is up and loaded for me, and they even go get me coffee so I can check email, Facebook, and WordPress. They seem to really be into this internet thing too. I must be going crazy, though, because would you believe I actually thought I heard them talking about it? Something about a master plan and world domination? I don’t know, I must have been dreaming. I mean, c’mon…cats can’t talk! Can they…? Nah!
Excuse me, I have to go check the weather and the sales at talbots.com and I also need to find out who wore an ugly dress to some random Hollywood event, and then the girls have made a list of at least 15 videos that I just HAVE to watch, and I’ve just thought of yet another obscure fact I wanted to check. Hey, just how old is Abe Vigoda anyway? He’s still alive, right? Oh yeah, and then I have to sleep and work.
(Holy crap…there’s actually an Abe Vigoda Status website. Every time you reload, it updates to tell you if he’s alive or not. That’s the whole site. I kid you not: http://www.abevigoda.com/ How can you NOT love this place?)
Hahahahahahaha! Oh my gosh! Had I not just gone to the bathroom, I would have pee’d my pants. The Abe Vigoda website!! Oh my stars. Best laugh. Well, best laugh after Darla’s brilliant post, of course.
As I was tying in the words “Abe Vigoda,” I knew I would have to google his name to check how old he was. That was the first website that came up. Internet GOLD!
I remember on Conan O’Brien’s show they used to do a running gag about Abe still being alive.
Oh, Darla, I certainly hope one of your cats isn’t reading your comment right now. If so, you’re on your own.
Speaking of random Hollywood events and wasting valuable time–last night I spent an hour on the net looking at all the fashions at last night’s SAG awards. I thought SAG was referring to their facelifts and/or boob jobs. My picks and pans: I thought J. Law looked fab but Justin Timberlake looked terrible.
I can’t WAIT to see what this Abe Vigoda thing is about. I’m am alllllll over that.
This blogging thing is some kind of craziness. I’ve stressed my husband to death about needing to add links to a post. His response is always complete confusion. It’s a blog thing, an internet cyber-y thing, not the end of the world. Clearly he doesn’t get it.
You bring up a good point, Tori. Blogging has taught us so much in the way of figuring out how to link and post images etc. This is vital information! See? Blogging’s not all a complete waste! We’ve got techno jibba-jabba skillz, dude!
HTML! CSS! PHP!
And lots of other acronyms I know nothing about!
I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t write a thing in a houseful of people. It’s like trying to do your business with an audience. Nothing. I’d get nothing. But then, you’re a mom – you have super powers that I lack. And you need a mom cave, by the way.
Oh, my god that is the best idea I have ever heard, Jean. I am ON IT. I’ll tunnel my way through the floor of the bathroom and build my cave….start stashing peanut butter cups and my iPad down there.
Yep. Ditto.
You too, huh? I am not surprised in the slightest. We’ve all got it bad here at WP.
Excellent, Darla. You cracked me up over and over again.
P.S. You sound like your mother. Hahahahahaha!
You take that back! Jeezum crow! (I do feel for Jim)
I HATE the spinny loading thing! Is it me or is WP having some trouble lately? Always with the spinny loading thing! But congrats on making it to another 7am. What do you do with the rest of the day? 😉
Yes, it seems so many are having technical difficulties at WP this week. Someone’s entire blog disappeared for a time. I would have hyperventilated.
what do I do the rest of the day? I do useless things like study for my classes, clean the house, etc. It’s all just busywork while I wait to be inspired to blog again.
Haha… vapid wasteland of inconsequential activity.
Oh, Lordy, Lordy Darl-f-inbrilliant. I have climbed the mountain and seen the face of truth right here on this blog. You speak my life (without the kids and the Capn Crunch. Do you know how many CALORIES are in that stuff?)
Where are the Freshly Pressed gods? Come lookie, lookie at what Darla can do!
Ugh, I know. Capn Crunch tastes a little like peanut butter-flavored foam insulation to me. But it keeps the kids/hubby happy so I stock it.
Coffee and WP stats may well be the end of us all…
It’s such an addiction!
And quitting coffee would be easier than quitting WP for me. I tried it once and I got a three day migraine.
I’m trying to see if it helps to have the coffee delivered intravenously. You’re going to be a nurse. You can do that, right?
You mean you CAN’T do that? Well, then. Why the hell am I even in the medical profession?!
I’m speechless. Really. Because I’m laughing hysterically (although quietly because I’m at work). The spinny thingy completely bowled me over. I’m done for! Total reality and total hilarity, Darla. How doooooo you do it, girl?!? Hugs! XOXO-SWM
I just got the spinny thing just now when I tried to comment here. It’s really too much hassle to blog sometimes.
I love this! Boy, can I relate. Especially about trying to hide my computer time from my husband and kids. It never works.
It never works. Especially since my kids want to be on the computer almost as much as I do. I am always battling them for the iPad. I think I’ll have to invest in another iPad just for them.
That’s exactly how my day went. Except I dreamed of Magic Mike…and I was drinking hot chocolate instead of coffee.
I didn’t think it was possible to top my dream and the coffee, but you did it, Thoughtsy.
Catch a cold from hell, it will cure the rest. I promise you.
Boo hiss! Sorry you’re sick, Val. Lots of hot tea and rest for you, that’s an order.
Oh, good, it’s not just me with the problem. You know what’s fun? When someone talks about quitting Facebook on their blog. Get it? On the blog. You’re trading one addiction for another!
I really do have a problem. Is there a blogging AA group? Should we start one? We can meet on our blogs.
Yes! WPA! I’ve often thought we should all form a support group. Course we’d all end up just blogging about the first meeting…
It’s like how I learned about Internet addiction by Googling it. It should just say “If you are reading this, you are addicted, idiot.”
Haha! Little known fact: if you google “Internet Loser” a link to Wikipedia pops up with a picture of me hunched over my iPad wearing a ratty bathrobe and eating Doritos.
Lord have mercy! That cracked me up! LOL! keep’em coming whatever it is. I’ll keep reading. Ciao!
I take it you can relate?
Absolutely!!
If it weren’t so true, it wouldn’t be so darned funny and depressing at the same time. How do you do it? 🙂
I’m not sure, Lorna. Daily use of heavy medication?
That works for me! 😉
SO well done, Darla! This is pretty much how I spend my days as well. Sigh. I’m not addicted, I just NEED it.
Yeah, there’s a difference. If i need it, it must be good for me.
Lucky for me, no children in the house and a husband who is gone all day. No one to see that I’m practically wearing my iPad. You have such a quick, sharp mind, Darla, that you never seem to be at a loss for a new post. Even when you can’t think of a topi, THAT becomes the topic! You are incredible, and this was terribly funny, as always.
If only I could somehow incorporate the iPad into my daily wardrobe. Genius idea!! thanks, Susan for the encouragement–now I can continue on with my wasting time on the internet agenda guilt-free.
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I love this! You know what’s funny? Just when I think I’ve finally weaned myself off the stats page, someone reminds me of it…
Haha! Mwa ha haaa!!!
(ahem) I mean, oops. So sorry.
Also: mwa ha haaaaa!!!
… or just weaned myself of blogs, and you show up.
Ooh. Yikes. Sorry?
I watched your video link in your post last night and was absolutely mesmerized. Inspiring stuff!
A handful of Cap’n Crunch would get rid of me, too. It’s so sweet and corn flavory, and as an added bonus it shreds the roof of my mouth.
But really — quit blogging? You’re never getting out of here, Darla. You’re a lifer.
Ha! It does shred the roof of your mouth. It’s like trying to chew rocks. And I know I’m a lifer and that really, really depresses me, Charles. sigh….
You’re genius! I love this post and relate to more than I’d like to admit. I found you through Brown Road Chronicles, and I’ll be back! Excellent post (and surely a blog stats star!)!
Aw, thanks so much! Glad you liked it. Something I was hoping others could identify with, I know I spend way too much time on wordpress.
Dang, you even have interesting wake ups! Me, it’s usually a groan and a mental “Dang that bathroom being at the other end of the house!” 😀
(Yes, back from my mental R&R, more or less. Trying to catch back up!)
SO good to see you again, John!
“Now gotta check email…..yada, yada, yada….look around to be sure my husband doesn’t see me on the computer yet again….shh…it’s okay….no one knows I’m on the net, it’s all good….now onto….
WordPress! YES!”
This killed me. Flinging cereal at the babes so I can “sneak” on the web at 6am happens just about on the daily at my house. I soooo try to hide my addiction from my husband by multi tasking convos with him I could care less about. I think he’s on to me. Glad to know I’m not the only blogging/internet and coffee addicted SAHM junkie out here.