I’ve got my eye on you, buddy…
[Zippy music intro ends, audience applauds]
Me: Okay, and we’re back! Thank you so much for being here, Mr. Reaper. I know you’re a busy man.
Grim: Hey, no problem. Thanks for having me. I don’t get that a lot.
Let’s start out with what you’ve been up to recently. Seems you’re pretty busy?
Always.
So why, Death? What gets you up in the morning? What’s your motivation?
Man, going for the tough questions right off the bat, huh? I guess I’m just trying to keep people alert, on their toes. Frankly, what I do isn’t easy.
[points to mug on the coffee table]
Hey, is this water? Good God, I hope not! Hope it’s tequila. Death is an exhausting business, dude. And I be takin’ care of bidnezz, every day, ya dig?
[slurps from mug]
Ooh, yeaaah. That’s the stuff. Takes the edge off. Smoooooth.
Well, I did some research and looked back over your amazing and prolific career, so first off let’s talk about some of your duds.
This is about John Lennon, isn’t it?
Well…sure…let’s start with that one.
Look–hey, it was a mistake, okay? A colossal mistake. And I paid for it back at the bar later that night. The other guys, man, they wouldn’t stop ribbing me about that one. I’m sorry, really. After that happened, I swore I’d never do something crazy like that again. But let’s be honest here, everyone’s allowed one screw-up, am I right?
What about Jimi Hendrix?
Well…I…uh…
James Dean?
Um…oops?
George Carlin? You could’ve at least given him at least a few more years! I mean c’mon!
I’m sorry, okay! What do you want from me? Now that dude was OLD.
Larry King?
Pfft. Why should I bother? He may already be dead, who knows really?
Donald Trump?
[cold stare]
Rush Limbaugh?
Hey, I don’t wanna discuss this, you promised me we wouldn’t go there.
[nervously sips from mug]
Okay, let’s switch gears here. Tell us a little bit about what happens after you show up. Life after death stuff.
Oh, ho ho! [chokes on drink] Sorry. Uh huh. No can do. Hell, no.
Just a little? We’re all dying to know.
[audience laughs]
Good one. OK…let’s see…there’s this tunnel, then a bright light, soon you’re enveloped with utter peace, unconditional love and happiness…blah, blah, blah… It’s all actually quite nice.
Beats a 7 day poop cruise on the Carnival, am I right?
[audience roars with laughter]
Really? Death isn’t that bad? It’s actually nice?
Nah. It’s not at all nice. I was kidding.
[audience gasps]
You were kidding?
Yeah. There’s nothing after death. Just a big, black void of emptiness.
[audience boos]
What? What did I say? Sheesh, tough crowd.
[smirks, shrugs shoulders]
Would you care to clarify that statement? Are you saying it’s nothing but a vast meaningless abyss after we die?
Ha ha! Oh, no, no, no! I was kidding. Kidding! Again! There’s no big black void! But if you could see the look on your face right now, it’s priceless, man!
I never get tired of pulling that one on people.
[waves spirit fingers in the air, whines mockingly]
Ooh! boo hoo! It’s all nothing! It all means nothing! There is no purpose to life! Woooo! How terrifying! Wah!
God, that always makes me laugh.
What I find fascinating, is you are everywhere. All the time. You could strike anyone at any moment.
Yeah. That’s right.
[nods smugly]
I’m good.
So any of us could go at any time?
I’m afraid so.
And you might give no warning. None whatsoever.
None. Zip. You just never know when it’s your time.
[long pause]
BOOM! [suddenly lurches forward and grabs my arm] Gotcha!
Ahhh! Holy [bleep]! What the [bleep] was that?! Let go of me! Holy [bleep] [bleep][bleep]!
[jumps out of chair, audience goes wild]
Oh, I was just teasin’ ya! Relax! Your audience thinks it’s funny!
[audience laughs]
Nice, well, we seem to be running out of time, Grimmy.
[looking down at notecard]
I want to thank you Mr. Reaper for coming here tonight and–
You don’t know how right you are about running out of time, my friend. You don’t know how right you are. Mwa ha haaaa–
Anywho. So ladies and gentlemen, the Grim Reaper can be seen on his upcoming tour dates at the Shady Pines nursing home in Pensacola, then he jets off for a three night show in Las Vegas. Be sure to check him out. Or…not…I guess. In the meantime, all One Billion seasons of Death are available right now on Blu-Ray–
MWA HA HAAAAAA! I’m coming for you, Darla! No one can escape me!
You are so stupid. [laughing]
We’ll be right back, folks. If I don’t die during break! Up next–Carrot Top!
Oh, God, you had to bring him up!
[Band starts to play. Grim leans in, whispers to me, we laugh uproariously and it cuts to commercial]
Rush Limbaugh . . . hahahaha! I love it. Just as I thought. Death is kind of a jerk.
He really is. Such a meanie. And does he have to be so smug about it?
Cool! I didn’t know you had a night show. Must be on much later than I stay up though… which isnt very late!
Well, it airs only Sundays at 2 am on the local community channel. Right after Let’s Crotchet With Earl! and just before 1001 Ways to Eat Moose.
(what in the hell are you doing over here, Steve? Dontcha have enough to deal with right now? A couple hundred comments to moderate and respond to? I suggest you put on one of those beer can hats and get to it)
I learned quickly and the first day turned off the function that made me approve all the comments. Only a few weird ones came through. I have been able to keep up with responding but have to admit to getting a little tired of it. Still a dozen or so in the queue. Today sort of back to normal. Was a fun ride though!
It sure is. After a few days though you almost want to get back to normal and see more familiar faces again. At least WP warns you about FP now. I have never been warned. I would just hear my husband yelling “why the hells do we have 150 emails?!” Then it would dawn on me.
I should have known Death liked tequila! I LOVE that picture, too, ha! I’m also cracking up over your ‘about me’ text on the right —>
P.S. – Somebody’s beautiful, Maine-y banner is looking miiiiiighty fine, too
P.P.S. – And so WordPress crashed when you were working on THIS post? Oh, man. How fitting is THAT?
Yes, it certainly did crash right before I was going to hit the publish button. Someone is trying to tell me something, I can feel it.
Sigh. I had to keep that picture, JD. You were right. But I did manage to have my blog name written in the sky with purple clouds to spice things up a bit.
y’know, i just looked again at the photo and my hands look strangely like Jimmy Fallon’s. I think I’d better get that checked out.
Brilliant, Darla? Would you put in a word for me with your friend? No long drawn out endings, please. I like surprises.
Was that a typo, or are you questioning whether I think it’s brilliant? Because if so, I always question that. And I will absolutely put in a good word for you. I asked him during the break to let me die in my sleep on my 100th birthday right after consuming my weight in chocolate. It’s the least the guy can do, really.
Oops!!!
I mean BRILLIANT, Darla!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I never thought the sentence ‘brilliant, Darla’ could be topped until I saw the 15 exclamation points after it. I think I love you, Elyse. You were always my favorite blogger, don’t tell the others.
Your secret is safe with me. Now if only I could create a Darla’s favorite button, I’d be all set.
That gives me an idea, Elyse…hmmmm!
How do you come up with this stuff?! Well done.
Thanks, Carly–it’s a little bit insomnia and a lot of pain meds.
So clever! You forgot a few people, like, like, we’ll maybe I shouldn’t say. But, a little hint might work. Just watch CNN, CNBC, or even FOX NEWS for the trouble makers!
I’m sure there is an endless supply out there in this crazy mixed up world we live in. Still…I think Donald Trump will live to 120.
When you see that Reaper guy again – tell him I am still mad about my Mom, will ya? And George Carlin, as well.
Darla, you are so funny…I do wish you had your own late night show (say, 9:00 p.m. or so – I really can’t stay up later than that – I am SOL OLD.) Better yet, one at 4:00 a.m. since I can’t seem to sleep any later than that, either.
You bet. George Carlin really hit me hard. God, I miss that guy. Oh, yeah and of course, my dad. And at the age of 53? So not fair. Death. (shaking head)
I’m with you, Katy–I fall asleep no problem at around 9:30. Then I’m wide awake around 3 am. What’s the deal with that? Like life isn’t hard enough, now I can’t even SLEEP?! It’s the best part of life, for god’s sake!
I heard he has really horrible breath and is much shorter in person than in all the movie posters.
Oh, god, you know it, Dave. His breath is like an old lady’s fart passing through an onion. (stole that line from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelpia)
Very creative!!!Loved it!!
thank you, DoRo. I always wanted to ask that guy a few questions, clear some things up for me. I don’t think he did a very good job, though.
Hahahaha! Awesome. That death, he kinda takes your breath away, doesn’t he?
He kills me.
Carrot Top? I thought that act was dead long ago. Good one, Darla.
I had to google Carrot Top to make sure he wasn’t actually already dead. Apparently he’s still alive. Doing what, I have no idea.
Oh Darla, you slay me! Ba dum bum chhhh.
I love that you sat down with the big bad and got personal. And weren’t afraid to ask the tough questions. You look good behind that desk. Maybe that will be your next career choice. After you kill nursing, that is. Always gotta have goals.
I might want to reconsider my career in nursing now, Misty. you’re right.
It doesn’t at all surprise me that Death has a twisted sense of humor. So who better to interview him than you? He really does need to explain why he hasn’t gone after Trump and Limbaugh yet, though. And Carrot Top.
I always find it amazing how people like John Lennon die at 40, yet people like Rush live to 120. What is up with that?
hilarious ..pretty cool interview i must say
I’ve always wanted to really laugh in the face of death.
Very clever. I almost didn’t read it because I am going skydiving the day after tomorrow. I’m glad death will be busy elsewhere!
That is awesome! Something I’ve always wanted to try. I have a friend who has gone skydiving several times and is always bugging me to try it. Too bad me and heights don’t get along so well. I can’t wait to read about your adventure. And no worries…Death will be very busy elsewhere, he always is.
Brave, Darla. I’d rather not tempt fate by inviting him into my “living” room.
Brave or very stupid, Judy. I’ve written about death in the past and it was naturally so somber. I wanted to tackle making it funny for a change.
Was Death aware of his Janet Jackson style wardrobe malfunction. Made Ape blush a little.
Ha ha! I’m sure he was very aware, Ape. that guy is always so desperate for attention, pathetic, really.
you scare me sometimes..but in a good way
Thank goodness it’s in a good way. I think I almost scared myself with this one.
I can understand– interviewing the Grim Reaper has to be, uh, well – grim–you did a great job and were rather brave I thought
Next time, can you ask Death, what’s up with the giant sickle/cleaver thingy? It’s a little passé, no? I mean, this is the 21st century. Time to get current.
Yeah, he’s so out of touch. Wish he would stay out of touch with me for a long, long time to come.
Poor Carrot Top. It’d be hard to follow Death.
I think Carrot Top is undead. Have you seen his face and weird muscles lately?
Loved this, Darla!
He is really freaky looking, isn’t he? Both Carrot Top and the Grim Reaper. I’m not sure which one I’d rather run into in a long dark alley….
Managing to have a humorous discussion with the grim reaper can’t be easy. But our friend Darla has accomplished this! And I’m keeping an individual bottle – the kind used on airplanes – of tequila around just in case I need to bribe him out of an early collection. Who knows? It could work.
Well, I tried anyway. I’ve been hearing about so much death lately, I just had to make light of it for a change, Renee. It was hard to do.
I love that picture! You should totally have your own talk show. Can I be your constantly laughing/sycophant/bandleader sidekick?
Do you mind keeping Mr. Reaper over on the east coast? I’m sure there’s nothing to interest him in the Midwest.
The Peg and Darla Show could rule late night TV–I can totally see that happening.
Have your people get right on that, OK? We’ll do a lunch.
Absolutely brilliant, love the picture!
teehee, the magic of my powerpoint program….thanks, Val.
Karen Carpenter, Freddie Prinze, Martin Luther King. My grandmother. My tenth-grade typing teacher. It’s a long list, and he has a lot of explaining to do. But I loved the interview, Darla, especially: “Thanks for having me. I don’t get that a lot.”