writing-center

An Open Letter to An Open Letter

writing-center

Dear Open Letter,

Well, lookatchoo! All open and shit. You’re such a smug jackass. What do you want from me? Overly dramatic indignation? Cheap humor? And for what? So other people can read it? Why not keep my stupid thoughts inside my head where they belong?

I’ll give you credit, you are versatile. Hell, I can write an open letter to just about anyone and anything.

Like Beyoncé.

beyonce

Dear Beyoncé:

Why is it every time I type your name the computer automatically sticks that funky dash above the E? It doesn’t do it when I type touche. Oh no, all I get then is an obnoxious red line underneath. Who the hell do you think you are? Supreme Queen Ruler of the Universe?

Yeah, you are, I admit it. Carry on.

*****

1280px-Rasp-Pop-Tart

Dear Pop-Tart:

Why do you lie to me? You never pop out of my toaster. You just get jammed in there, then I reach in and bits of you break off. I’m forced to bite into a charred piece of cardboard and get third degree burns on my tongue from your scalding lava frosting. I know I should like you, but halfway through eating you I have serious doubts if it’s worth it.

****

Viral-Videos

Dear Viral Videos on the Internet:

What the hell? Seriously? Really? You are popular because….? Is the key to be mildly entertaining while ridiculously obnoxious? Please, enlighten me. And tell me what to do so I can become pretend famous for five seconds then slide back into obscurity so I can eat my Pop-Tarts in peace.

****

Duck%20Dynasty%20stars%20660%20AP

Dear Beard:

Damn, Beardy, lately you’ve been getting around. You show up everywhere. It was with pure delight I watched you adorning the manly-man-chins of the entire Boston Red Sox team. I’m certain at one point the Cardinals’ pitcher wasn’t sure whether to strike you out or grab his sickle and go fishing for Jimmy Hoffa in that rat’s nest.

But it’s gone too far, ZZ Top. Us women don’t like kissing Brillo pads.  I don’t think you guys really think the mountain man look is trendy so much as you’re just too freaking lazy to shave.

So in protest I’m going to grow out my own beard and stop shaving my legs until this beard trend stops. It’ll be my own personal quest to see which body part morphs into Robin William’s forearm first. You with me, ladies?

****

Image

Dear Life:

What the hell? Seriously? Really? You are a piece of work. Either I’m worrying about you in the future or bitching about you from the past. You think you’re all that and a bag of microwave Bacon-Flavored Pork Rinds. Well, you can’t break me, you sneaky sonofabitch. Screw you.

****

Whew! You know, that felt good, Open Letter! I’ve contributed absolutely nothing to society, but you’ve saved me tons of therapy! Thanks!

Love, Me

_______________________________________________________________________________

What open letter would you love to write? Feel free to unload your contempt in the comments so we all can get our panties in a bunch about it.

About these ads

135 comments

  1. Wha . . . what? Microwave Pork Rinds? What on earth is THAT??

    I’m sorry, I so want to comment on this brilliant and hilarious post (and I am TOTALLY with you on the no shave thing), but I just can’t move past the fact that microwave pork rinds are a thing. Mind . . . boggled.

      1. My husband boasted to me this morning about his beard. He’s been growing it for about 24 hours and it’s already ZZ Top length. I told him I love it as much as he loves my Chewbacca legs.

  2. Hmmm, a “Dear women who wouldn’t have sex with me when I was single” letter might be gratifying, or a “Dear wife who so rarely has sex with me” letter? Oh, I hate litterbugs, especially smokers who throw their fucking butts out the window of their cars. Grrrrrr! Can I say fuck here? I forget? I know you’re family friendly and all. Ok, hey, is this a thing now? I read an open letter to open letter yesterday too! Have a nice weekend, Big D!

    1. Dear Don,

      You can say fuck all you want here.

      But we will not shave our legs anymore until we can take a Daisy razor to Duck Dynasty.

      You read another Open Letter to an Open Letter? Goddammit. It was bound to happen I suppose…but I bet it wasn’t about Beyoncé and that little dash above the letter e.

      1. No, yours is uniquely you for sure!!

        I’m glad to hear beards aren’t all the rage as Twitter makes them seem to be. My wife could do without them, and that’s good, because I’m pretty sure that 5 o’clock shadow is a two week project for me and getting much more than that to sprout isn’t likely.

  3. Dear Hermès Bags Outlet:

    Why do you like my blog so much? Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful for the attention. But why do you keep reading and commenting on the exact same posts over and over again? You should try reading some of my newer posts. I think you’d like them.

    Sincerely,

    EoPS

      1. Well I hadn’t seen anyone else doing an open letter to an open letter till I saw Le Clown’s comment, so you’re totally original in my book ;) I did an open letter to TV chefs a few months ago.

      2. Oh yeah, I remember your smartphone one! They’re a good way to rant because it feels like you’re doing something about it rather than just complaining for the sake of it, even though you’re really not, but “open letter” sounds more purposeful than “pointless rant”.

      3. I love that, “pointless rant”. Isn’t that really the bread and butter of all things viral on the internet now? We should all be up in arms over something at all times. And want to tell everyone about it. What happened to the good ol’ days when people just kept things in?

      4. I think people have probably always ranted and complained, it’s just that they couldn’t do it so widely before the internet! At least now we can hear a good variety of rants, rather than being stuck just hearing the same old ones from our nearest and dearest.

      5. If it weren’t for the pointless rant I wouldn’t have a blog. “all angry, all the time – the post menopausal rantings of a seriously disturbed woman” – that’s my new tagline.

        Have a nice day, VJ and DJ.

      1. I just saw a play with tough guy Ed Harris and Bill Pullman. Pullman’s character was talking about a character played by Amy Madigan, Harris’ real-life, equally bad ass wife, and he says, “I can’t kiss Eva. She smells like crayons in a dirty room.” Harris says, “Yeah. All the colors you don’t want to use.” What great lines!

  4. I just wrote an open letter to an Oregon Ducks football player who had written an open letter trashing the fans of his team. From what I can tell, the former player and six other people read it. What exactly is the point of writing an open letter when so few people see it? Why not write a closed letter, stick it in an envelope and send it to someone? The classics never go out of style.

    1. I was so close to writing this post in crayon on a little postcard and mailing it to Beyoncé. I mean, she’s gotta know how unfair her name is, right? You don’t see me with cutesy little dashes all over my name.

  5. :-D Wicked! I love it!

    What are open letters for, are they just trying to save on buying stamps?

    They should just write direct to the source of their ire. Like I do when my bins don’t get collected by the council.

    1. I think we should do everything through “open letters” now. Open letter to my kids, open letter to the guy that cut me off on the highway. Open letter to that package of Twinkies that refuses to open for me. Life is so unfair.

  6. Dear Open Letter to the Cat the kids left behind,
    Please, these things are so sticky in a divorce. I never once said I liked cats but when we were all together on a big old property I barely noticed you. Now you have made me your Alpha and Omega and I am going to lose it pretty soon. You begin meowing the millisecond my feet hit the floor out of bed. I will care for you and be civil and tolerate all your arrogance, but don’t push me over the edge. I am the only one who buys those Fancy Feast cans. You have cashed in how many of your 9 Lives? Your Person

  7. I’m going to pretend I didn’t read that Pop-Tarts might not be worth it. Obviously, your back pain has affected your thinking.
    It sounds more like a problem with your toaster not the Pop-Tarts themselves. Where’s the letter to your toaster?

  8. Open letter to Darla:

    Dear Darla,

    You are hysterical. I am very glad that this was the very first thing I read when I dragged myself out of my sickbed. This post gave me the strength to go on. Keep on keepin’ on.

    Love,

    Me

  9. Dear WordPress,

    Why is Darla’s awesomeness not appearing in my Reader? WAAAAAAAAA!

    I never read an open letter to an open letter before and I think it’s the most creative thing ever. So Freshly Press this puppy.

    Respectfully,

    Peg-o-Leg

    p.s. Have a great weekend, missy.

    1. Dear WordPress:

      Remember all the good times we had back in the day? When you used to give a crap and FP my blog? Hmm? It’s been, what almost 18 months since those glory days? Not that I’m counting or anything.

      Dear Pegoleg:

      I love you. You know the words “Freshly Press this puppy” are like music to my ears. Have a good weekend yourself. I am SOOOOO psyched I have three solid days off from college. Good thing as I was thisclose to having a nervous breakdown. Hope you’re doing well….??

      1. You really HAD fallen off my subscribed-to list; how does that happen? Just reupped for another 3 year enlistment. BOO-rah!

        Have a supercalifragilisticexpialadocious 3 days off from school. And yes, I did have to sing that out loud in order to sound-it out. Love you more!

  10. Dear men who don’t shave and don’t grow a beard either but who look like kids in the olden days who dressed up like hobos,

    Shave it. Just shave. There is nothing sexy about the Dick Nixon look.

    1. You do have a point, when it’s in that middle ground between being a real beard and stubble, it’s like sandpaper. Make up your mind dude, either commit to growing it fully or shave the peach fuzz off.

      1. Oooh, oooh I have another one!

        Dear smoker in the car in front of me,

        Please enjoy that cigarette. With your fucking window closed so that I don’t have to “enjoy” it too.

  11. Dear Click-Bait Internet Headlines,
    Yes, I will believe what this lesbian said to a 4-year-old who asked if she’s a boy. No, I won’t lose faith in humanity by looking at these 14 photos of people at Wal-Mart. I would like to know the comparative basis by which you assert that these are LiLo’s 7 MOST outrageous drunken moments. Are you sure these celebs look especially terrible without make-up, or are these simply unflattering photos in bad lighting? And, also, I doubt my mind will be, in fact, “Blown” by these 22 stupid things famous people have said.

    1. It’s funny, the more “viral” something is, the more I just want to scream and run away from the computer. I am the opposite of viral. I like stuff no one cares about. I want to see super-boring headlines about stuff that actually matters in life. I want my celebs in full makeup. Is that so wrong?

  12. I don’t need to write my own Open Letter, you represented my feelings perfectly! Yes, yes, yes and yes! I love the Sox but those beards are hideous. Who knows what lives in them? For NoShaveNovember I am growing my own hair and I posted my “Frida” pic on Susie’s blog, check it out: http://swimmingtomy50s.wordpress.com/2013/11/05/no-shave-november-prostate-cancer-awareness/ – SO, I’m definitely with you!! Maybe you can visit Portland this weekend and get a little “Mary & Johnny” to help you deal with these atrocities! :)

    1. Yes, not only were their shaggy beards a little bit over the top, what is UP with their baggy baseball uniforms? I didn’t realize a man was allowed to look like MC Hammer while playing major league baseball?

      You are awesome for doing the NoShaveNovember to look like Frida. That is definitely something I can get behind. My eyebrows have wanted to merge together forever, might as well stop fighting it, right?

      I had to laugh at the Mary and Johnny because I honestly didn’t know what you meant. Then I realized and had a huge D’oh moment. Now that Portland is pot legal, it’s just a matter of time before we can start ordering some at a drive-thru next to McD’s.

  13. I come from Portland, the land of heavily bearded gentlemen. To your awesome open letter, I would add this postscript:

    P.S. And to you, Mustache Wax, despite your prevalance in the facial hair of this good city’s hipsters and your delightfully retro-chic packaging, I urge you to go into this good night along with your beardy brethren.

    1. Now when you say Portland do you mean Oregon? Or Portland, Maine, where the heavily bearded lumberjacks like to shoot moose or fire up a legal doobie now and again? I can only assume Oregon because I don’t think we even know what hipsters are here. But I wholeheartedly stand behind your dislike of mustaches and mustache wax.

      1. Ah, yes! I mean Portland, Oregon, where heavily bearded hipsters harvest organic eggs from their backyard chicken coops, and sip whiskey while playing the banjo.

      2. My brother lived in Oregon for 15 years and now he’s suddenly an organic farmer with chickens in his backyard and a permanent IV of Starbucks in his arm. You crazy Oregonians!

  14. I’ve written a few open letters, and I always feel a bit better afterwards. Nobody was reading anything I was writing then so I was pretty much just bitching to the universe, but who cares.

    There is a viral video of a man popping a huge zit on his armpit which proves that you don’t need talent to be internet famous.

  15. Dear Ass-Hats who honk their horns at 4AM,
    I know whoever you’re picking up next door can’t possibly get out to you fast enough without that little reminder. I know going up to the door and ringing the bell is out of the question. You’d have to turn off the car and stop the window-rattling base pounding out of your awesome stereo. I know all of these impositions are just too much for a fine, upstanding citizen from the Meth-Lab side of town. So, I apologize for running out in my nightie this morning with my baseball bat.
    Mea Culpa.

    1. Amen, sister! I live next to a teen who has made it his mission to blast his car stereo loud enough to break glass. And it’s always at 6:30 am when he’s on his way to high school and I’m still trying to sleep.

  16. Dear Scammers Who Send My Mom Phony “Refund” Checks,

    If I ever meet you in person, I will pummel you to within an inch (or centimeter) of your life. I will destroy your computers of evil. I’ll blow up the dingy, rat-infested warehouse where you and your other evil minions ply your nefarious trade. Please, show your face to me so that I can bash it in.

  17. Jeezum Crow, Darla, I never thought about open letters this way before. They really ARE just snarky ways to publicly take someone down.
    An Open Letter To Everyone Who Just Saw Me Lick the Bacon-Infused Egg Yolk Off My Plate
    Dear Everyone Who Just Say Me Lick the Bacon-Infused Egg Yolk Off My Plate:
    Don’t judge me.
    Love, thesinglecell

    An Open Letter To Bacon-Flavored Pork Rinds
    Dear Bacon-Flavored Pork Rinds:
    You are redundant.
    Also, get in mah belleh.
    Love, thesinglecell

    1. I love snark as much as the next person but it is getting a bit out of hand. I see open letters everywhere on the Internet. So I figured it was about time to take down those bastard pork rinds once and for all.

  18. I smiled through the post, but it was the parting invitation to comment that caused me to burst into laughter.

    I considered writing an open letter about something yesterday. I discarded the thought after about eight seconds, considering how there’s very rarely an open letter that does not make me feel some degree of face-punchiness.

    I’ll probably still write about the subject, but . . . hopefully in at least a mildly humorous, non open letter way!

  19. I would write an open letter to the Singapore government for censuring us. Really? What’s the point in that. Apparently Singaporians are not allowed to watch porn on their computers. So I guess they just go somewhere else to watch it, or go to Thailand to practice it? I don’t know, it just seems quite pointless, especially when they block sites that have nothing to do with porn (which is what really annoys me).
    But your open letter was way funnier ;-)

      1. hahaha, wouldnt that be funny :-) But better be careful, because you may get blocked any day now and that would mean I couldnt read any of your excellent work anymore…. :-(

  20. An Open Letter to CD Manufacturers,
    I am writing to let you know that I will no longer be purchasing compact discs for my musical listening pleasure. It’s not because digital downloads are so accessible, or because I usually only like 1 or 2 songs on a CD. The real reason is because it is physically impossible to open the plastic cellophane wrap in the time that it takes the artist to hit their pinnacle of success and then plummet to the bottom of the charts as the result of poor judgment in costuming, institutional commitments or crotch grabs. Unless you are Edward Scissorhands or have canine tendencies towards gnawing on things until they burst open, there is little hope a consumer can listen to their new CD before the return policy period expires. Your product is devoid of instructions, pictures, fool proof pull tabs or idiot-prone “OPEN HERE” signs. Even if they were, I don’t have the patience to spend a season of “The Voice” trying to completely rip off the protective white title strip into 1000 teeny tiny pieces. In that time, I could not only download a thousand songs, memorize each lyric and tweek my twerk, but make enough shrewd investment decisions to become partial owner of iTunes. The reason vinyls are coming back, if you want to know, is that all you need is to slide something sharp like a fingernail, fang or honor student down that wide gaping hole on the side and POP! out falls the record. So maybe if you could figure out a way we could open your products without taking years off our lives or enamel off our teeth, your sales won’t keep plummeting as they are. We are busy people and we have better things to do with our time, like figure out how to get rescue DVDs from their cases.

  21. Those darn pop tarts, I just eat them cold now. My husband got me onto that one, thought he was wierd, but it works….no more getting stuck in toaster or third degree burns from pop tart seepage.

  22. Dear 119 replies and counting,
    How am I even supposed to compete with you? I mean, should I even bother? When I see all of you lined up like that, not even counting the replies to the replies, I think, “Surely she doesn’t need or want another reply. I mean, there’s unfettered adulation and then there’s just a big pain in the ass. I don’t want to be a pain in the ass. So maybe I’ll just hit ‘like’ and move on.” Not to mention that I have to read you all to make sure no one else has made the same comment/is more witty. And my scrolling finger hurts! Thanks a lot, 199 replies and counting!

    1. Dear House,

      Yes, you should always bother leaving a comment. Surely, I do appreciate every single reply. My blog is all about shooting the shit with everyone here and having fun. And your comment made me laugh, so please, carry on.

  23. An open letter to social media users. Yes, it’s a great tool to keep in touch with people far away, however, I don’t need to see 45 pictures of your child per day, or read updates on what you had for dinner!

  24.  Well, to be fair, you also have a funky dash in your stage name, just like Beyonce. Your name is a dance-related pop culture reference, and Beyonce IS a dance-related pop culture reference.  You two may be not so different after all.
    I agree that the open letter genre is a bit overused, and I think it will be officially dead once TV ads will start referring to themselves as “an open letter to our potential customers”.

  25. Dear neighbours

    Your dog constantly barks. It’s doing it right now and it’s driving me crazy. I know you are very nice and are big time fans of God and stuff, so I don’t want to bring any negativity upon you. But, please SHUT THAT DOG UP!!!!

    Thank you.

    And would you mind not parking your car over my driveway.

    And can you please tell your sons to stop playing loud music at night.

    Ummm.. that’s it.

    Thanks again!

  26. Dear Moms that show up to Pre K drop off at 8:15 am adorned in spandex, make up and the perfect fucking pony tail…
    You and your twisted friends need to come to terms with your addiction to camel toe attire and realize that spinning (or as I call it …OVERATED pedaling) at 4am is not normal and talking (bragging) about it amongst us (possibly dirty) jean and hoodie wearing Moms is dangerous. Very possibly there will come a day when my husband leaves me just enough half and half to piss me off and not cream up my coffee that I am going to choke slam your bible thumping, hypocritical, skinny-bitch ass.
    phew… I feel better.
    Great post!

Tell me about it.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s