Jeezum Crow! It’s Christmas Again?

Not my real mom. (But very close)

Not my real mom. (But very close)

As some of you loyal readers know, my mother is quite the expert when it comes to sparkling conversation. She turns 80 years old this January and let me tell you, she’s more than earned her right to speak bluntly about every topic under the sun.  Hell, if I were her age, you’d better believe I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass what people thought of me or my opinions.

Fine, I think that now and I’m only half her age. Shut up.

Here are just a few of my recent favorite Jeezum Crow, Mom! gems:

About Movember:
“What — so they’re growing out their beards until they get a free prostate exam? Or their prostate is making them hairier? I don’t get it. The words hairy and prostate shouldn’t go together. You don’t see me growing out my chest hair for breast cancer awareness.”

After seeing Matt Lauer’s Movember beard on TV during the Macy’s parade:
“No, oh, no, no, no. He looks terrible! Shave it off! Where’s his face? On second thought, don’t shave it off, Matt.”

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After hanging up the phone on Thanksgiving after having a pleasant 45 minute conversation with my brother who lives out of state:
“He’s on the crack cocaine, isn’t he?”

After stitching up a rip in my kids’ stuffed Luigi doll’s upper leg inseam:
“Here!” (She flings it onto my kitchen table during breakfast) “I fixed his ying-yang!”

Luigi, doing his part for Movember.

Luigi, doing his part for Movember.

While picking up and inspecting my kids’ Elf on a Shelf doll:
“Jeezum crow! This has got to be the ugliest thing I have ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of ugly in my time.”

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After reading about the psychic Sylvia Browne’s recent death in the paper:
“I bet she saw that one coming.”

Leaving a message on my brother’s cell:
“Hey, do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME? IT’S YOUR MOTHER! YOU’D BETTER CALL ME BACK QUICK! I MIGHT BE DEAD BEFORE YOU DO! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!”

Talking to me on the phone:
“Well, so when you gonna take me to the pharmacy to get me my pills? An old lady needs her pills! By the time you get around to taking me, I’ll be dead! You don’t want to kill your mom, do you? Well, DO YOU? Happy Thanksgiving!”

Leaving my house after Thanksgiving dinner:
“Well, thanks for the food! Not that I could eat any of it. But I enjoyed the turkey! Well, what was left of it. Enjoy the pumpkin pie I made you! Not that anyone touched it because it’s still sitting there on your counter, going bad. So let’s go Christmas shopping next week! Because if you don’t I’ll probably be dead and then you won’t have any presents from me. Not that anyone would notice or care. Happy Thanksgiving!”

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100 comments

    1. And that was only one small chunk of the conversation. The rest:

      Me: Didn’t she predict her own death in a book? Did she get it right?
      My mom: Yes, she said she would die at 88.
      Me: Was she 88?
      My mom: No.
      Me: So she actually didn’t see it coming, then?
      My mom: Well, she isn’t GOD, Darla. She can’t know everything.

    1. I plan on taking her to L.L. Bean’s this Sunday. She wants to see the Christmas lights. But she wants to go at 7 am. Because she eats lunch at 9 am. Should be a joyous shopping occasion. She usually scowls the clerks to death.

      1. Yikes! Good luck on that one. Say hi to LL Bean for me. Even though I’m not on that coast any longer, I wear their shirts, fleeces and jackets. Lots of compliments on my hot pink rain jacket. It’s what I wear probably 10+ months of the year here.

      2. We had a good time at Bean’s. My childhood home was where their main store is now, so Mom and I stood there in front of their entrance with the big Bean boot and reminisced.

    1. Whoa, he had quite the moustache. Love those pictures. My husband grew a full beard for Movember and I am counting down the days (one more!) until he shaves it off. Today he told me he’s going to keep his moustache. I think he’ll look too much like Luigi.

  1. hope I am making this comment in time, don’t want your mother to die! this is just too funny–so funny in fact I am writing it from my office floor as I fell of my chair and I do not have one of those alarm systems where I can tell someone I have fallen and can’t get up–I love your mother

  2. I love your mother so much. Jeezum crow, Darla, she needs her own blog. And you better hurry, because she’ll probably be DEAD before you make it. (She’ll outlive us all, won’t she?).

    My oldest son was watching the parade and saw Matt Lauer and asked, “why is that old 85 year old man hosting the parade?” I was going to explain, but then I was like, nah . . . nailed it.

  3. OMG, what a riot, I truly am ROTFL.

    I had a grandmother who was very “plain spoken.” Never used a bad word, but her favorite thing to say (in her deep smoker’s/drinker/s voice) “what do you want to go and do THAT for?” to anything she didn’t agree with.

  4. I. Love. These. Posts! Reading your mom’s insights is like getting my very own Christmas miracle. :) I esp like the chest hair/breast cancer awareness comparison. Touche, Darla’s mom– touche!

  5. Pardon the delay in commenting. My computer short-circuited after I spewed coffee all over it.

    So… in terms of attractiveness, Matt Lauer is only a few notches above Elf on a Shelf? I have so much to learn from your mother.

    1. Oh no. Matt is several depths below Elf on a Shelf. Speaking of that, Miss J freaked out about the elf possibly coming alive while she slept so I had to get rid of him. I have similar dreams about Matt Lauer.

  6. I laughed so hard when I read this I spilled my crack cocaine everywhere. Jeezum Crow.
    Not only do we have the 5 brothers thing, we have the same mom. Mine’s 81. No filter at ALL. Says to my brother (with his wife right in the room), “Your wife sure is getting FAT, isn’t she?” But seriously, not maliciously at all. Just sort of like a little kid.

    Is it weird that Matt Lauer gets me hot?

    Ahhhhh, it’s snowing on your blog! Yay! Let’s go sledding and then have hot cocoa. Jeezum Crow, it’s cold in here!

    1. Get out. You have 5 brothers AND an elderly mom with no filter? We should really get our moms together and they can have a contest to see who can say the most shocking thing.

      I had no idea why it was snowing on my blog, then I remembered I had checked the wordpress snow box a year ago. I had to make it stop though as it was hurting my eyes. But I’ll still serve you guys some hot cocoa.

  7. Am I the only one that noticed the snowflakes coming down on this post?? White dots streaming down, especially near Matt Lauer – or am I going crazy???? How did you do that Darla?? So cool! Maybe I ate too much pumpkin pie! :)

    1. Well, I KNOW I’ve had too much pumpkin pie, but you aren’t hallucinating. I had checked the “snow” box in my wordpress dashboard a year ago and forgot about it. It’s under “settings” so I un-checked it because it’s really giving me a migraine.

  8. I like your mom’s style. I think I too am going to start threatening death at every turn, because it COULD happen and I enjoy a dramatic empty threat just as much as the next girl, especially when it can score me some prescription meds.

  9. Oh, my gawd. Your mom is hilarious. Full of gems and vinegar! My mom is heading out today to visit her son in Texas. I’ll miss her repartee. I made the pie crust this Thanksgiving for the mincemeat pie. I asked her to fix the top crust and she said, “I think it’s beyond fixing.” Still she ate it – for Thanksgiving and breakfast.

    1. “I think it’s beyond fixing.” haha! That reminds me of the mom on Everybody Loves Raymond. Quick with an insult. Just like my mom, too. Well, I hope your mom gets back in time for Christmas.

  10. You know what’s funny? Is I was thinking, “Jeezum Crow. I haven’t heard any Darla’s Mom stories in a while.” -Thanksgiving as I was whipping the dinner together.
    No lie. We’re telepathic.

  11. Hey Maineiac,
    Jeezum Crow! I missed another post. Got trapped in a full nelson the last couple of weeks wrapping up the semester. Finals next week, then before I know it, boxing day will be here. Again! Hilarious as always, Darla.
    Late to the party,
    Honie

    1. Thanks, Honie!

      “trapped in a full nelson”. SO TRUE. Oh, I am DYING right now. When are you done? I have two weeks left and I swear all my professors decided to lump extra shit on us students just for the hell of it. I have four final exams next week, a big paper due, a huge computer project due.

      I am having a nervous breakdown, I honestly don’t think I’ll make it to the end of this semester. I finally finished my ten blood draws yesterday (we have to get 10 in before the semester’s over) and that was the most stressful thing I’ve ever done in my life. And next semester I’m taking even MORE classes because I want to graduate in May. I am crazy.

      1. Oh phlebotomy! That’s a funny word, isn’t it? My finals are next week, but we just ushered in the new ice age overnight so my group project that was due yesterday was pushed because the campus closed at 1 yesterday afternoon.

  12. Oh MY GOSH!! Darla, where and when did you get that PLAID wallpaper on your website??? Have I been away that long? I’ve only posted about plaid three times.

    Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving!

    1. haha! I love that. She’s a pill all right. A very bitter pill that is hard to swallow sometimes, so I need to chug a gin and tonic to make it go down easier. (I have no clue what I’m saying, I am so tired, so very tired)

  13. I just found this blog, and I’m in stitches already. Your mom sounds like she’s quite a character. I think if I were ever to meet her I’d want to have my quote book handy. :D

  14. Your mother is a doll! Just wait until next year though. My mother is 81, and she has declared she’s old enough to speak her mind. We’re finding out she really doesn’t like any of us. ;-)

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