While grocery shopping with my six-year-old daughter, little Miss J:
Miss J: Mommy, y’know what?
J (yelling): When you drink milk, it makes your boobs big!
Me: Excuse me?
J: The more milk you drink, the bigger your boobs!
J: It’s true. Gabriel told me. (Gabriel is a five year old boy in her class)
Me: Um….no. Just no.
J: Can I have some milk?
J: (tries to lift my shirt)
Me: What are you doing?
J: C’mon! Lemme see yours!
Me: No, stop that! (she tries to stick her head underneath my shirt, old lady buying produce glares at me)
Me: Get outta there!
J: (walks slowly away, tapping her finger to her lips) Hmm…
How much milk do you drink, Mommy?
Me: What? Why?
Me: What are you trying to say?
J: It’s just that…well…I’ve seen worse.
(still not sure if I should take that as a compliment)______________________________________
Miss J wanders into the kitchen, tears streaming down her face.
Me: What’s wrong, sweetie?
Miss J: I want a baby sister.
Me: Oh ha ha! Well, now! No…sorry, you can’t have one.
Miss J: Why? I want one!
Me: I’m afraid that’s impossible, mommy can’t have more babies.
Miss J: (looking horrified) You mean, I can only have the ONE BROTHER?
Me: Yup. Just the one brother.
Miss J: You mean to tell me….that I (pointing finger in the air with each word) am STUCK…with THIS KID…
in THIS HOUSE….for the REST OF MY LIFE?
Me: Yup. Well, until you move out, go to college or get married one day, so it won’t be for the rest of your life–
Miss J: I’m marrying Daddy.
My husband and I had a rare day off together and my daughter asked us what we were planning to do all day. We informed her we would be spending it having some “alone time”, like grown-ups sometimes like to do. So we dropped the kids off at school in the morning. As she was walking away into a huge crowd of kids, parents and teachers she stopped, turned around and yelled, “Have fun kissing and getting married today, guys!”
From my ten-year-old son:
CJ: I really, really, really want to go to the chorus concert tonight at school!
Me: You don’t sing.
Me: You’re not in chorus.
CJ: I just wanna go.
Me: You hate music.
CJ: I just really wanna go, that’s all.
Me: Who is she?
Me: What’s the girl’s name?
CJ: I don’t know.
Me: Is it Jessica?
CJ: It’s Courtney! Not Matilda!
Me: Ohhhhhh. So your girlfriend’s name is Courtney!
(His sister starts dancing around him while singing, “He loves Courtney! He wants to kiss her!”)
CJ: She is NOT my girlfriend. Just a friend. But she is girl.
(pause) That’s a friend. And stop singing that mom, it’s not funny.
Me: What do you think having a girlfriend means?
CJ: Well, first you ask her to date you. Then you date for like…three weeks. But only after three weeks, can you kiss her. Then, if she doesn’t dump you, you keep dating and kissing until you’re, like, in college. Then you get your degree in engineering, buy her a house so you can give her a ring and ask her to marry you.
Me: Yup. That’s pretty much it.
CJ: So Courtney is NOT my girlfriend. I don’t want a girlfriend, like ever. Never ever.
Me: My work here is done.
What enlightening or embarrassing things have your kids said to you lately? Please, tell me, I need to feel I’m not alone.