Stand Up Saturday: Parenting

Here we all are, still alive. Good job, Mom and Dad.

Welcome to another installment of no holds barred, profanity-laced, semi-comedic rants straight from my rambling mind. Today’s Topic: Parenting Being a parent these days is such a drag. You try to stick to rules like no glue-sniffing, no shoving kids off the slide and for … Continue reading

How Boredom is Slowly Killing Our Summer

“I’m bored.”babies-bored

“O….M….G. This is like, so boring.”

“…ugh……this is soooooooo boooooooooooooring….like….uhhhhhhh….ughhhhh…”

“I’mboredI’mboredI’mboredI’mboredI’mbored”

What is it about summer? What is it about these long hot days? What is about my husband? Doesn’t he realize I don’t have the power to make life magical every single day?

As for my kids — let’s just say I could be juggling flaming knives and they’d think it was boring. And I’ve tried, oh lord have I tried to entertain them. Here’s just a sampling:

  • My son and I at the beach. We are on jet skis.  With Mario and Luigi.  The jet skis shoot flames. We all have paintball guns. We’re jumping through hoops. The hoops are on fire. Dolphins are diving overhead. The dolphins are equipped with paintball guns. Fireworks explode in the sky. One of the fireworks is a giant glittering image of my son’s face.  I look over at my son and raise my eyebrows. He sighs and says, “I’m bored.”
  • My daughter and I are at a parade. There’s a float full of Disney Princesses. Cinderella invites her up onto the float.  Belle sits her down on a giant throne and puts a sparkly gold crown on her head. They make her the Queen of the Universe. Sleeping Beauty hands her a magic wand that makes everything she touches candy.  My daughter looks down at her dress made of rainbow Skittles and sighs, “I’m bored.”
Not. Impressed.

Not. Impressed.

It makes me wonder how my kids will perceive other major events in their lives:

Announcer: …and with only seconds left in this championship game, the visiting team is down six points! This is the last play, their entire season on the line. Here’s the snap… holy crap, it’s a Hail Mary pass! And… he caught it! Oh my god! He’s running to the end zone! He could go all the way! He’s at the 20! 10! Touchdown!  I can’t believe my eyes! The biggest comeback in high school football history! They’ve won! They’re the state champions!

My son spikes the ball in front of the cheering crowd. His teammates hoist him overhead and parade him down the field as confetti rains down.

Reporter (sticking a microphone in his face): How do you feel?

Him: Eh.

________________________________________________________

Minister: And I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss the bride!

My son (rolling his eyes): Bor-ing.

________________________________________________________

Doctor: I see the head! Here comes the head! And it’s a boy! Wait, here comes another head! And it’s another boy! Oh! Wait! And another boy! Identical triplets! Born at exactly 12:01am on January 1st! It’s a New Year’s miracle!

My daughter (looking down at the babies in her arms as cameras flash and newspaper reporters thrust microphones in her face):  I’m bored.

_______________________________________________________

Skydiving Instructor on plane: On the count of three, JUMP! …one….two…THREE!

My son (plummeting like a stone towards the earth, freefalling after backup parachute fails):
I’m still booooooooooooored…….!

_________________________________________________________

God in heaven: Welcome to my kingdom! Here I will reveal to you all the mysteries of the universe! And bestow upon you the ultimate freedom and power to see and do and be anything you so desire!

My son (yawning): Mkay. Sure. Whatever. So what else ya got?

Slide1

Parents–how are you coping with your kids’ boredom this summer? Any tips for me? I’ve already tried kicking them outside but they continue to figure out how to pick the lock. Others–care to babysit?

Losing Pieces of You

My five year old daughter’s first loose tooth had been hanging by a thread for about a week. She was very nervous about it coming out. “Is there gonna be blood? What if it comes out while I’m eating my goldfish crackers? Am I gonna eat it by accident? What if I swallow it? I don’t want to eat my tooth, Mommy!”

After I reassured her it wouldn’t hurt, she wouldn’t swallow it and there would be no blood (a tiny white lie), she spent the rest of the week standing on her tiptoes, gazing at the loose tooth in the mirror, gingerly wiggling it with her tongue. I tried to remember back when I lost my first tooth and I’m sure it was a bit traumatic. Or maybe I’m just remembering all the cruel ways my brothers suggested I rip it out of my mouth, most involving firecrackers or strings tied to skateboards.

To say losing a tooth is a milestone for a child is putting it mildly. And for a mom, it’s big. As in, ‘my sweet baby girl is growing up before my eyes and why can’t I do anything to stop it or slow it down?!’ big. Aside from the fact that she’s losing a small part of her old self, shedding a baby tooth, I am slowly shedding yet another part of my motherhood along with her. Think I’m being overly dramatic? Of course! That’s what being a mom is all about.

Last night my kids were doing the usual– jumping around their bedroom behind a closed door, whooping it up like a herd of elephants on speed. Then silence. The door flung open and my daughter raced toward me, her eyes wide and her mouth open. She held her hand out and there it was. A teeny tiny tooth nestled in her palm. “Mom! We were jumping and Christian knocked it right out of my head!” I smiled and shook my head. Typical brother.

“Tooth Fairy is coming! Tooth Fairy is coming!” she yelled and danced and twirled around the living room. She watched me as I put her first tooth in a ziploc bag and slipped it under her pillow.  I heard myself sigh. She’s lost a tooth. What’s next? Wasn’t it just yesterday when her first tooth erupted? Wasn’t it just yesterday she was wearing her little overalls and running around the house saying “baba” with her tiny wisp of hair and big hazel eyes, her chubby fingers grabbing mine?

I felt a tear well up, like it often does when a mom faces another milestone in her baby’s life. I brushed it aside, managed a smile and hugged my daughter tight. She grinned up at me, exposing the little space in front. I noticed right then just how different she looked now. How her entire face competely changed with the missing tooth. How grown up she was already, and how much more growing she had in front of her.

And just how incredibly lucky I am to be here to watch it happen.