Tag Archives: parents

I’m So Glad We Had This Talk Again, Mom

100 Replies

The following is a conversation I had with my 78 year old mom while driving her around on errands last week.
(Her speech is in bold because her voice usually registers a few hundred decibels higher than mine)

My mom: Oh, God! ACK!! OOF! GOOD LORD! AHHH! HOLY CRAP!

Me: What? You okay?

Huh? Oh, yeah, it’s nothing. I was just trying to get into the damn car! GOD! OW!  It’s so freakin high, I can barely get up in here! OOF! Jeezum, Darla!

You want some help?

No! I’m not that old! I can do SOME things on my own, y’know, God!

(silence)

Are ya gonna help me or what? I’m an old lady for criminy’s sake! Oh, forget it, too late, I’m already in.

So, Mom, I was gonna ask you, do you want to go out for breakfast on Mother’s Da–

Didya hear about Paul LePage? [Maine's current governor] Says he wants everyone to “get up off the couch and go get a job!” Oh, yeah! It’s so easy, buddy! We should all just stand up, and boom, we can all get a job at McDonald’s for 7 bucks an hour and all our problems will be solved! Want fries with that? Good lord. I’ll take a little extra bullshit with that, that’s what. Jeezum H. Crow.

Yeah. He’s a real–

Jackass and a half. That’s what. His big idea that will solve all the world’s problems is for people to get a piddly job making just enough money to pay for the damn gas it takes to get to the stupid job in the first place. And then what? Would they even have money left over? Maybe a few dollars so they can go buy a freakin can of beans at Food City for 2 bucks. Jeezum crow! The world is going to hell! Sylvia Browne says we have only 100 years left on this godforsaken planet! You know what’s gonna happen first?  The oceans will rise. Yeah. It’s true. Florida will be underwater in 10 years. Mark my words, TEN YEARS! Kiss Mickey Mouse goodbye! It’s gonna be all over for that jerk!  It’s a small world after all, buddy. Good riddance I say…always hated Disney World…happiest place on earth my ass.

Yeah.

Speaking of which, that crazy doctor of mine wants me to get a colonoscopy again!

Oh god.

Now why the hell do I wanna go and do a thing like that? My doctor is a loon. And I told her so. I said, let me tell you something, missy–I am almost 80 years old…and what are you, 25?  Maybe 30? Let me tell ya a thing or two about people my age. Ain’t nuthin worth goin’ round poking down there…

Ma!

…nothing to see there. What’s the point? Jiminy Cricket! Like bacon is gonna kill me now? HA! Why should I care?  I’ll probably be dead next week anyway. Oh, did you see who died last week? OH! GOD! It’s the power of the THREES, Darla. The curse! Always three celebrities die! Always with the threes! First the guy that wrote that crazy kid’s book. Then the hair guy. And now who? Who’s next?

Mom, the guy that wrote Where the Wild Things Are and Vidal Sassoon were like 80-something years old so I’m not so sure it’s a curse that they died, just a coincid–

Oh, it’s a curse! It’s true! Three always die together!

So, Mom, about Mother’s Day, do you want me to take you out for breakfa–

I bet it’s gonna be Elizabeth Taylor!

Ma, she’s dead.

WHAT! Oh no! Oh god! It’s true! The curse of the three!

No, Ma. She died last year.

Oh.

Yeah.

You sure?

Yep.

That’s too bad. Poor thing.

So do you want us to take you out for breakfast for Mother’s Day? We could go to that new restaur–

I bet it’s one of the Golden Girls!

Well, all but Betty White are already dead so…

Her! It’ll be her! Oh, god how I loved her. Such a shame. The poor thing.

Mom, she’s 90 years old so I don’t think that would be much of a shock if she died. Plus she’s still alive.

(silence)

So I was thinking of taking you to brunch this Sunday, sound good, Mom?

(silence)

Mom? Mom!

I can’t believe Elizabeth Taylor is dead. How did I miss that? I check the obituaries first thing every day, you’d think I’d remember a thing like that. Every day I drink my coffee….I eat my toast…I read the obituaries…how could I miss that? Oh, she was so pretty, so so pretty. Married about a million times but still very pretty.  Married that god-awful man twice. Guess once wasn’t enough, gotta repeat your mistakes… What was his name? Oh, you know! That guy! Who was in that movie! That guy!

MOM! DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT TO BREAKFAST WITH ME ON MOTHER’S DAY?

Huh? Breakfast! Oh god no. You know I can’t have gluten.

About these ads

Don’t Eat the Dandelions

69 Replies

This is what greeted me last weekend.

My kids picked me some flowers, and both of them made me the sweetest homemade cards.  They told me they were too excited to wait. And who am I to complain? I’ve always thought Mother’s Day should be more of a week-long event. Besides, every mom out there knows nothing beats a crayon drawing and fresh-picked dandelions for a gift.

“Smell them!” my daughter insisted.  “They’re just like honey!  Yummy, yellow honey! Mmm…mmm!” she said, rubbing her stomach and licking her lips.

“You didn’t try to eat any of them did you?” I asked and her brother shot me a worried look. I gave my kids a quick hug and off they ran, leaving huge clumps of wet grass all over the house.  I spent the next half hour googling poisonous weeds, popped another Benedryl and got out the vacuum. Nothing says ‘motherhood’ more than obsessively worrying about your child’s health or cleaning.

This was my son’s card. I especially loved the “sign here” and “thanks” part. Also, it’s good to know I’m their greatest mom ever and they included my name–like maybe they have someone else to compare me to. Although I appreciated the excessive use of exclamations points, I wondered if he was laying it on a bit too thick. I’ll have to see how many exclamation points they come up with for the Father’s Day card to figure out if he’s really sincere that I’m the greatest.

In honor of Mother’s Day, (and because I’m feeling incredibly lazy) I am linking a past post of mine, Mom for Hire, for all you moms out there: stay-at-home, work-at-home, work-out-of-home, work-while-staying-at-home, never-stay-at-home-because-you’re-constantly-driving-them-around…you get the idea.

We all are amazing and we all work incredibly hard. We should give ourselves kudos for being there for our kids when it counts, no matter the stupid label society tries to categorize us with.  You love your kids and they love you and that’s pretty much all that matters.

And to those dear readers without kids, (warning: sap alert) I want to thank your mom, for bringing you into this world and brightening up my bloggy days just by being your amazing, sweet self (you know who you are!) Now stop cringing, it isn’t polite.  And for heaven’s sake! sit up straight!  Wipe that ketchup off your face, go wash your hands and mind your manners! And would it kill you to call me sometime?

Hey, you know what? Screw it. Call up Papa John’s pizza. And bring me a beer while you’re at it. Mama’s Day Off has officially begun!

*******************************************************************************************************************

The phrase “working mother” is redundant. -Jane Sellman

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, “A house guest,” you’re wrong because I have just described my kids. -Erma Bombeck.

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstretrically once, and by car forever after. -Peter De Vries

Insanity is hereditary; you get if from your children. -Sam Levenson

I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.-Anon

Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce: this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income. -Dave Barry

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. -P.J. O’Rourke

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it. -Buddy Hackett

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out. -Erma Bombeck

If you kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says ‘keep away from children’.-Susan Savannah

I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can’t find me until after high school. -Anon

I love my kids and they love me and I know that this will forever be. -She’s a Maineiac

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

Now make sure you enjoy this weekend. Maybe go sit down and rest for a few minutes, kick back with a good book and a glass of wine. You deserve it!