The following is a conversation I had with my 78 year old mom while driving her around on errands last week.
(Her speech is in bold because her voice usually registers a few hundred decibels higher than mine)
My mom: Oh, God! ACK!! OOF! GOOD LORD! AHHH! HOLY CRAP!
Me: What? You okay?
Huh? Oh, yeah, it’s nothing. I was just trying to get into the damn car! GOD! OW! It’s so freakin high, I can barely get up in here! OOF! Jeezum, Darla!
You want some help?
No! I’m not that old! I can do SOME things on my own, y’know, God!
Are ya gonna help me or what? I’m an old lady for criminy’s sake! Oh, forget it, too late, I’m already in.
So, Mom, I was gonna ask you, do you want to go out for breakfast on Mother’s Da–
Didya hear about Paul LePage? [Maine's current governor] Says he wants everyone to “get up off the couch and go get a job!” Oh, yeah! It’s so easy, buddy! We should all just stand up, and boom, we can all get a job at McDonald’s for 7 bucks an hour and all our problems will be solved! Want fries with that? Good lord. I’ll take a little extra bullshit with that, that’s what. Jeezum H. Crow.
Yeah. He’s a real–
Jackass and a half. That’s what. His big idea that will solve all the world’s problems is for people to get a piddly job making just enough money to pay for the damn gas it takes to get to the stupid job in the first place. And then what? Would they even have money left over? Maybe a few dollars so they can go buy a freakin can of beans at Food City for 2 bucks. Jeezum crow! The world is going to hell! Sylvia Browne says we have only 100 years left on this godforsaken planet! You know what’s gonna happen first? The oceans will rise. Yeah. It’s true. Florida will be underwater in 10 years. Mark my words, TEN YEARS! Kiss Mickey Mouse goodbye! It’s gonna be all over for that jerk! It’s a small world after all, buddy. Good riddance I say…always hated Disney World…happiest place on earth my ass.
Speaking of which, that crazy doctor of mine wants me to get a colonoscopy again!
Now why the hell do I wanna go and do a thing like that? My doctor is a loon. And I told her so. I said, let me tell you something, missy–I am almost 80 years old…and what are you, 25? Maybe 30? Let me tell ya a thing or two about people my age. Ain’t nuthin worth goin’ round poking down there…
…nothing to see there. What’s the point? Jiminy Cricket! Like bacon is gonna kill me now? HA! Why should I care? I’ll probably be dead next week anyway. Oh, did you see who died last week? OH! GOD! It’s the power of the THREES, Darla. The curse! Always three celebrities die! Always with the threes! First the guy that wrote that crazy kid’s book. Then the hair guy. And now who? Who’s next?
Mom, the guy that wrote Where the Wild Things Are and Vidal Sassoon were like 80-something years old so I’m not so sure it’s a curse that they died, just a coincid–
Oh, it’s a curse! It’s true! Three always die together!
So, Mom, about Mother’s Day, do you want me to take you out for breakfa–
I bet it’s gonna be Elizabeth Taylor!
Ma, she’s dead.
WHAT! Oh no! Oh god! It’s true! The curse of the three!
No, Ma. She died last year.
That’s too bad. Poor thing.
So do you want us to take you out for breakfast for Mother’s Day? We could go to that new restaur–
I bet it’s one of the Golden Girls!
Well, all but Betty White are already dead so…
Her! It’ll be her! Oh, god how I loved her. Such a shame. The poor thing.
Mom, she’s 90 years old so I don’t think that would be much of a shock if she died. Plus she’s still alive.
So I was thinking of taking you to brunch this Sunday, sound good, Mom?
I can’t believe Elizabeth Taylor is dead. How did I miss that? I check the obituaries first thing every day, you’d think I’d remember a thing like that. Every day I drink my coffee….I eat my toast…I read the obituaries…how could I miss that? Oh, she was so pretty, so so pretty. Married about a million times but still very pretty. Married that god-awful man twice. Guess once wasn’t enough, gotta repeat your mistakes… What was his name? Oh, you know! That guy! Who was in that movie! That guy!
MOM! DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT TO BREAKFAST WITH ME ON MOTHER’S DAY?
Huh? Breakfast! Oh god no. You know I can’t have gluten.