My life had been pretty dreary lately. Things seemed devoid of all joy. The spark had completely gone out of my days.
Then I woke up one morning and Bam! It dawned on me– this empty feeling was because I haven’t won The Good Greatsby’s caption contest in ages! Sure, I’ve been a finalist. But I’ve always lost, coming in dead last.
Wallowing in self-pity, I was minutes away from jumping off the little ladder in my kiddie pool, willing to submerge myself in the chlorine/urine Flavor-Ice wrapper infested waters to drown my sorrows when I came upon this week’s contest.
I was in the finals again, baby!
But my elation turned to seething anger once I realized that yet again, my archenemy (and also one of my bestest blogging buddies when we’re not battling over captions) Pegnacious and her power-hungry followers, The Peglomaniacs, are on a mission to destroy me and my caption contest dreams. Which is exactly what happened last time, if you recall. (If you don’t recall, click on this here link.)
All hope seemed lost. Until today when I heard a faint knock on my front door. Followed by some high-pitched screeching and the sounds of a hungry animal devouring the bowl full of skittles and circus peanuts I had left out the night before. I threw open my door, and when our eyes met, a wave of emotion washed over me.
It was him! He had come back to me!!
Oh! I love you, Mr. Skittles! I am sorry I abandoned you! You sweet cheeky lil’ buggah!
All was forgiven. Or so I thought. I gave him a hug. He threw a feces-filled diaper in my face. But I understood. I had that coming.
After I refilled his Skittles bowl, we sat down to begin plotting our Evil Plan to Reign Caption Contest Supreme once again.
First order of business: Put a fresh diaper on him.
Second: I instructed him to immediately get on the laptop to vote for me.
He didn’t. He voted for Laura instead.
So currently, my caption is losing by a mile. Maybe because the other captions are better. Mr. Skittles seems to think so.
But with your help, yes…all of you out there reading this and scratching your heads wondering things like, what the hell is she talking about? Who is Mr. Skittles? Why does he wear a diaper? Well, that’s neither here nor there…but with your help, if we all band together we could make a comeback. Please, click here on this link. Then click on the caption you like best. No pressure. Just so you know, I will be keeping track of who is voting for which caption, so please be aware that there may be some free Skittles OR a dirty monkey diaper in your near future. You make the call.
Mr. Skittles would now like to say something to all of you. I will translate as I am very fluent in monkey.
[Mr. Skittles screeching, banging fists on head, rapidly jumping up and down, running in circles]
Me likey circus peanuts!
[Mr. Skittles scratching his head, picking off a bug, eating it, jumping onto my head, screeching at the top of his lungs and banging his fists in my face]
Me think crazy lady must change diaper again!
Oh, haha! Aren’t you a little excited! Why thank you, Mr. Skittles! Very moving speech, indeed.
Now go and vote for the best caption. Only the best one. I know mine’s nowhere near the best. And I know we are so far behind in the poll now that all we will succeed in doing is giving Pegoleg a little scare. That’s okay. So just vote for the one you like. Mr. Skittles and I will forgive you.
P.S. I would like to take this moment to let you all know I have some big news. As you may know, Mr. Skittles was gone for a long time, out traveling the world, sowing his wild oats and well….he is now a father. That’s right. He’s a dad. A proud papa of an adorable little bundle of joy that is currently starving, trapped in a cage, and missing his daddy back home. Don’t let this sway your vote in any way. Just thought I’d let you know.