I Am My Gram

mah jong
Image by jaysk via Flickr

How do you know when you’re officially old? What are the signs?

Here are my Top “Old Fart-ness is Upon You, Just Face it, Granny” Signs:

*You start every conversation with, “Damn! Where’s my glasses/keys/remote/libido?”

*You look forward to things like sitting down, laying down, or otherwise  being somewhat incapacitated.

*You find yourself grumbling under your breath things like,  “I  just want to be left alone, is that a f’ing crime?”

*After talking for about ten minutes, you look around and notice that absolutely no one is listening to you at all.

*At around 1 PM, you feel this sudden intense urge to lie down that very second to take a 2 hour nap.

*Lunch is at 10:45 am and dinner rolls around at 4 pm.

*Sleep is the only thing that makes life worth living.

*You start giving 2 less shits about what you look like and go for what is merely comfortable.

*You realize you can no longer pull off having long hair so you bite the bullet and get it cut super short and permed.

*You start playing mah-jong for thrills.

*You think everyone younger than you is a freaking moron.

*You think everyone older than you is lucky to be alive.

*The 22 year old Walmart clerk doesn’t card you but instead smiles and says, “You need help with those bags, Ma’am?”

*Every conversation inexplicably leads to a point where you feel compelled to mention your bad ankle, IBS and hot flashes.

*You post as your Facebook status update: “Off to colonoscopy today! Wish me luck!”

*For every year your age increases, your ability to give a shit decreases times ten.

*You find George Clooney big time sexy.

…and my favorite sign…

*Someone starts to give you their opinion or advice and you immediately want to scream at them,  “Oh, I’m so sorry, but you must’ve confused me with someone who actually gives a crap.”


*You actually blurt the above words out, then sit there and wonder, “Did I just say that out loud?”

Welcome to Middle Age, Baby!

6 thoughts on “I Am My Gram

  1. Not all of us old people (I’m in my 60’s) can be described that way. Some of us, like me, work out at the Y several days a week, practice T’ai Chi, are reading buddies for struggling elementary school students, volunteer in the community, and just plain get involved in life! Of course, I’ve seen old people just like you describe, and I run the other way! Great post, great blog! Congratulations on getting Freshly Pressed.

  2. If your photo is recent, then I would say, you are not old. If you start every sentence with the words …. “Back when the earth was still warm” … well, you get it right?

    Nice read.


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