Resolutions for Slackers

New Year's Resolutions postcard
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One of my friends had a brilliant idea (go, Debra!) She said that this year, she was giving herself a fighting chance at New Year’s resolutions. She would set the bar much lower, making damn sure she couldn’t fail.  As a matter of fact, she had already succeeded at most of her goals.

I immediately loved this idea of brutal honesty with a touch of stark truth. Two things this stubborn Mainer is all about. Besides, it’s a rare win-win situation for a perpetual loser.

For once, I am letting myself off the hook for the upcoming year.

Without further ado, I will set down in stone (or type them into my blog that no one reads…)

My 2011 New Year’s Resolutions:

1)      I will gain weight without even trying. Or to kick it up a notch, I will continue to gain weight, even after I cut out all sugar, dairy and Zumba my brains out. My husband? He will lose huge amounts of weight because he cut his soda intake down to only five cans a day instead of the usual six.

2)      I will look into the mirror and find that my thighs have mysteriously doubled in size seemingly overnight. This will happen every day all year long.

3)      I will stay broke. The money that comes in will fly right back out of my hands faster than the speed of light (or the 15 minutes of fame for You Tube celeb “Bed Intruder” Antoine).

4)      I will hold grudges. I will not let things go. I will ruminate and marinate in my repressed anger and love every second of it.

5)      I will not give up chocolate. I will buy endless bags of dark Reese’s Peanut Butter cups and eat them after every single meal.

6)      I will walk by my treadmill every morning, shake my head and laugh hysterically.

7)      I will not pursue my career goals. I will remain a stay-at-home mother, feeling very blessed, yet quietly shunning myself with a nagging guilt that I’m not doing anything “real” with my life.

8)      I will yell at my kids on occasion.

9)      I will feel like crap for yelling at my kids.

10)  I will sit like a zombie, staring blankly at Facebook way past my bedtime on most days of the year.

11)  I will finally accomplish every single one of my New Year’s resolutions.

Happy New Year’s everyone! And please, don’t forget to give yourself a break this time, okay?

14 thoughts on “Resolutions for Slackers

  1. lisa

    Eh, can I just copy your resolutions?


    Hilarious. True. Much more realistic than my ‘lose 10 lbs’ organize my basement and pay off credit card debt….

  2. Last year, my resolution was “Always replace Diet Cokes when you remove the last one from the fridge.” I’ll have you know I achieved this goal, but I slacked off late in the year and suffered through a number of Diet Coke withdrawals. So much for that one.

  3. I found your blog through The Simple Life of A Country Man’s Wife and I love this post! Hahaha. Those are the kind of resolutions I should make. Why bother cutting out chocolate? Life is just more fun with it! Thanks for the laugh 🙂

  4. When has the word “slacker” not caught my eye? I’m really enjoying your posts. See “My Tireless Work Ethic” at Sorry, I’ve become a shameless self-promoter, but it does fit the profile!

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