One of my friends had a brilliant idea (go, Debra!) She said that this year, she was giving herself a fighting chance at New Year’s resolutions. She would set the bar much lower, making damn sure she couldn’t fail. As a matter of fact, she had already succeeded at most of her goals.
I immediately loved this idea of brutal honesty with a touch of stark truth. Two things this stubborn Mainer is all about. Besides, it’s a rare win-win situation for a perpetual loser.
For once, I am letting myself off the hook for the upcoming year.
Without further ado, I will set down in stone (or type them into my blog that no one reads…)
My 2011 New Year’s Resolutions:
1) I will gain weight without even trying. Or to kick it up a notch, I will continue to gain weight, even after I cut out all sugar, dairy and Zumba my brains out. My husband? He will lose huge amounts of weight because he cut his soda intake down to only five cans a day instead of the usual six.
2) I will look into the mirror and find that my thighs have mysteriously doubled in size seemingly overnight. This will happen every day all year long.
3) I will stay broke. The money that comes in will fly right back out of my hands faster than the speed of light (or the 15 minutes of fame for You Tube celeb “Bed Intruder” Antoine).
4) I will hold grudges. I will not let things go. I will ruminate and marinate in my repressed anger and love every second of it.
5) I will not give up chocolate. I will buy endless bags of dark Reese’s Peanut Butter cups and eat them after every single meal.
6) I will walk by my treadmill every morning, shake my head and laugh hysterically.
7) I will not pursue my career goals. I will remain a stay-at-home mother, feeling very blessed, yet quietly shunning myself with a nagging guilt that I’m not doing anything “real” with my life.
8) I will yell at my kids on occasion.
9) I will feel like crap for yelling at my kids.
10) I will sit like a zombie, staring blankly at Facebook way past my bedtime on most days of the year.
11) I will finally accomplish every single one of my New Year’s resolutions.
Happy New Year’s everyone! And please, don’t forget to give yourself a break this time, okay?
14 thoughts on “Resolutions for Slackers”
Eh, can I just copy your resolutions?
Hilarious. True. Much more realistic than my ‘lose 10 lbs’ organize my basement and pay off credit card debt….
I find that the “lose 10 pounds” resolution is slowly turning into “just maintain my current weight.” A few more years and it will be “only gain 10 pounds”. Sigh.
Last year, my resolution was “Always replace Diet Cokes when you remove the last one from the fridge.” I’ll have you know I achieved this goal, but I slacked off late in the year and suffered through a number of Diet Coke withdrawals. So much for that one.
Ha! Well, there’s always this year! (at least that’s what I’m telling myself…no wait, it’s more like, “there’s always the following year!”)
They make dark chocolate Reese’s? Great post. Had me laughing.
Thank you! They do make dark chocolate ones and they are heavenly. My daughter and I are both Reese’s PB cup fanatics (her middle name happens to be Reese, just a coincidence…)
I found your blog through The Simple Life of A Country Man’s Wife and I love this post! Hahaha. Those are the kind of resolutions I should make. Why bother cutting out chocolate? Life is just more fun with it! Thanks for the laugh 🙂
You’re welcome. Thanks for the comment! I agree, a world without chocolate is a world I don’t want to live in. 😉
I’m laughing out loud now, thanks; I needed that. My hubby gave up dessert for one week and lost 5 lbs after Christmas. So not fair. You make great resolutions!
Thank you. My husband is now down 35 pounds and I’m up 5. Not fair at all.
I should adopt your resolution #1…It’s like you can see into my future! 🙂 Funny post!
When has the word “slacker” not caught my eye? I’m really enjoying your posts. See “My Tireless Work Ethic” at barbaracoles.wordpress.com. Sorry, I’ve become a shameless self-promoter, but it does fit the profile!
LOVE this! Thanks for the laugh and so glad I found your blog! 🙂
Thank you for visiting! Hope you stick around. 🙂