Moms Say the Darndest Things

chuck e cheese
Come with me Mom and Dad as I take you on the expressway to Crazy Town!Image by pinprick via Flickr

Sometimes I talk too much. Okay, I talk too much most of the time. My husband can painfully attest to that fact. I had laryngitis last fall and could barely get out a whisper. I had never seen my husband so happy.

And there are certain things a mom knows to never say if little kids are within a mile of earshot. Not swear words or anything beyond PG-rated (that goes without saying) but those innocent phrases that once a mom lets them loose, they flow out into the universe, never to be taken back again. And mommy pays for these words. Oh, yes, she pays dearly.

So, because I am a mom of two kids with mutant supersonic hearing and extreme abilities to whine endlessly, I will enlighten you by listing the:

THINGS A MOM/DAD SHOULD NEVER SAY OUT LOUD:

*WARNING: These phrases can elicit fighting, sibling rivalry, whining, crying, begging, nonstop sobbing and otherwise create a situation where waiting in line at the DMV after a root canal would seem like a good time in comparison.*

1) “Hmm, what’s this? A coupon for free tokens at Chuck E. Cheese. I’ll just go ahead and toss it.”

2) “Nothing came in the mail today, just a catalog for American Girl dolls.”

3) “Oh, darn! There’s only one cookie left! They’ll just have to share.”

4) “Okay, let’s go to Target. But we are only going to LOOK at the toys.”

5) “Let’s buy ____(kid A) this ____(video game, article of clothing, 10 pack of Squinkees), ____(kid B) won’t mind.”

6) “Hey! I’ve got a great idea! You can be mommy’s little helper in the grocery store today. You can help me put things in the cart.”

7) “Fine. You can go pick out some Legos. But nothing above 10 dollars.”

8) “So we’re going to drop off your brother at the amusement park for his friend’s birthday party, then you and I will go home and do some arts and crafts, okay? That’ll be just as fun!”

9) “You kids behave for your father. I’m going to go grab a quick cup of coffee at McDonald’s, I’ll be right back.”

10) “Can you believe little Mikey’s parents actually bought him a bounce house/pony/three-ring-circus for his birthday party?!”

and the most innocent, yet sure to spark a major meltdown of epic proportions, phrase?

11) “Let’s take turns! Who wants to go first?”

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11 thoughts on “Moms Say the Darndest Things

  1. The Compulsive Writer

    I just threw away a Chuck e Cheese Token yesterday. It as on the counter and I thought..”what is this doing here? Garbage!” I had to be stealth about it… but my son saw that I threw something away, so I guess, I wasn’t stealthy enough. He was like…”Mom, what is that?” I said nothing. He came over to the garbage to see what I had tossed in there. Luckily it fell down into the bottom of the bag. “See, I told you it was nothing!” I replied. Seriously…talk about a role reversal!

    He’s starting to get the mail out of the box now…ugh, coupons!

  2. I think one of the great skills all parents have to learn is the ability to distinguish between what they’re thinking and what they’re saying. I frequently have a thought and then a few seconds later, I’m not sure if I said it out loud or not. As your list demonstrates, the difference between thinking and speaking is crucial. I’ve always been amazed by how much the kids’ memories improved when I made some casual, half-conscious remark, such as “Maybe we’ll go to the beach five weeks from next Thursday.” By that afternoon I’d forgotten that I said it, but sure enough, six weeks later these same kids who couldn’t remember to eat their lunch at school were reminding me that we’re going to the beach today (“You promised!”)

    Another great post, Maineiac. I’m going to keep reading — in part to enjoy your writing and your frustrations, and in part to remind you that there are some frazzled Dads out here too.

    1. BronxBoy/Frazzled Dad: You nailed it! My biggest problem is that I usually don’t realize I actually said these things out loud, until it’s way too late. (I blame this on two things: my age and the fact that each pregnancy I had resulted in 30% brain cell loss)

      And my kids, especially the oldest, can hear these things three rooms away. Why they don’t hear me when I beg them to share and/or please stop hitting each other boggles the mind (the 40% I have left).

      And to top it off, they have memories like steel traps! “But Mom, you said 2 years ago we were going to Disney World!” What is UP with that?? Not fair I tells ya, not fair.

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