Moms, I’m going to be honest with you. There are some days when my dear, sweet, lovely children have driven me to the point of my head imploding. When they have whined the 1,237th “Mommy!” and have managed to have about 35 mini-tragedies in nine minutes (“He took my Polly Pocket and tried to flush her down the toilet!” “She ripped all the wheels off my favorite hot wheels and is now trying to eat them!”). We all have those days.
But fear not.
There is one place a mom can go to get away from it all:
The bathroom.
My sanctuary. My domain. My sweet escape.
The kids and hubby may think I’m in there taking a shower or plucking my brows. But what I’m really doing is trying to hang onto that last shred of sanity I have left.
After many years of attempting this escape, there are a few things I’ve learned.
First and foremost rule: Lock the door. This is extremely important. Do this the split second you rush in there. But here’s the key: try to do this quietly. Because if little ears have any inkling you are in there, the jig is up.
If they do notice you are in the bathroom (correction: when they notice) you must take evasive action as quickly as possible. Turn on the fan. This will help drown out the inevitable knocking and pleading outside the door (mostly from my husband who has spent a grand total of 5 minutes dealing with the kids on his own).
Okay, now the door is locked. You’ve made it. You’re safe. You are officially in a room that is separate from your loved ones. It’s an exhilarating feeling, I know. You are alone and no one can come in (barring using a screwdriver to take the hinges off the door, which my son once informed me he was going to attempt).
You are now leaning against the door, breathing huge sighs, trying to regain your composure. For a brief second you may even remember the “old you”, the one who had two seconds to form a complete thought…remember her? No, me neither. Sadly, this feeling is fleeting. So what do you do now with this glorious alone time?
Any mom knows that you need a bathroom survival kit. You need supplies that will enable you to spend as much time in there as humanly possible. Spending it actually doing bathroom type things is not an option. You have to clear your head. Keep it together. Your very soul is on the line here, woman!
Find a place to rest. Naturally the toilet is a good spot. Close the lid ever so quietly and plunk your tired butt down for a second. Go ahead, Mom. It’s okay. You deserve it. Sit there and breathe. Close your eyes and utter “Serenity Now” over and over until you actually believe it. It worked for Kramer.
Next, grab something to read. I like to have plenty of guilty pleasure trashy magazines on hand. I keep a stack of Good Housekeeping, People, Ladies’ Home Journal, maybe even the occasional Cosmo. For those rare times that I manage to slip into my sanctuary unnoticed, I try to have my favorite book on hand. Or maybe even stash your iPad under the towels. Think of all the things you can accomplish surfing the net sitting on your cozy fuzzy pink toilet seat.
If kids/hubby are inexplicably fascinated with your bathroom excursion and are suddenly outside the door acting like Armageddon is just around the corner, you might need to actually turn the shower on for a minute and run a little water. This might buy you another few minutes.
If they persist and the whining grows louder, I occasionally have to resort to yelling out: “I’m BUSY!!!!” I am usually surprised at how irritated I sound when I yell out these words. It comes out as a growl most times, but I try not to let on that my loved ones are slowly stripping away layers of my sanity.
After my growl, there is always a moment of stunned silence behind the door. So I’ll add a meek and sweet comment like “just a second, okay? I’ll be right out!” to lighten the mood. We don’t want our family thinking Mom is thisclose to cracking now do we? Keep the illusion alive.
And then I sit there in silence at least another five minutes, flipping through my People, reading about Angelina Jolie and her kids. That woman has it so easy.
I bet she has at least five or six bathrooms to hide in.
She's A Maineiac 
LOL LOL LOL you are always in my head!
Can you PLEASE come to Vegas? I hear they have really big bathrooms!
Ooh, yes Lisa! And I bet there are big soft COUCHES in the Vegas ones! A girl could live in there quite comfortably, I imagine. 🙂
This was great! Oh so funny…and oh so right on!
Thanks! Good to know I’m not the only mom hiding out in her bathroom. 🙂
Haha! I’m not a mom, but even a lady with three relentless 1/2 dog, 1/2 children can relate. I cannot imagine the truth behind your funny story! I would definitely be adding a few more things, like refrigerator full of chocolates and cheese. Sounds gross to eat that in the bathroom, but I’d do it. Thanks for this post!!
Thank you for your reply! You’ve got a great idea! A stash of Godiva chocolate in the linen closet…maybe hide a bottle of wine underneath the sink…light a few candles and I’d have my own little nirvana! *rubbing hands together cackling “mua ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa!”*
Look, you’re on candid camera!! Hope that’s a good thing 😉 Great post to be on the front page!
I know. A bit of a personal blog huh. It’s great being FP’d and all of course…but now my secret is out. Sorry moms everywhere!
I can see I need to get my bathroom properly equipped! The tranquility is seriously interrupted, though, when my two-year-old pounds his tonka truck on the bathroom door. If we lived in the middle ages, he would have been in charge of the battering ram at sieges.
Ah, yes…my son used to do the same with his tonkas. Then he graduated to hot wheels. Now it’s mostly my daughter, crying, sniffling or sobbing on the other side of the door until I come out. She’s very good at being melodramatic and I have no clue where she gets it from, of course. 😉
Oh my gosh! Hilarious! My friend just posted this on facebook yesterday: “Would it be bad if I just hid in the bathroom till bedtime?” I will share this with her 🙂 I guess she knows your tricks! I’ll keep that in mind. 🙂 Being a mom is wonderful, but sometimes so darn tough! Good luck and have fun reading about Angelina Jolie 😉
Thank you. Being a mom is a blessing for sure, but sometimes I need to run and hide! 😉
My kids recently asked why I always bring my iPhone into the bathroom.
Dagnabbit! Secret revealed…
😉
I’ve done that many times too. Good thing it’s so small I can slip it into my pocket. But usually, my four year old wants to play with the iTouch too so that’s a whole other problem.
You mean I’m not the only one! I thought I was insane. I have to always give my husband credit because he is quite involved with our 4 but always reminds me that I was the one that wanted kids. He is also the one that told me to use the bathroom as refuge “I do it all the time” he told me once. My only problem is that my house is so small and there is only one bathroom. I have to believe them when they say “I have to go!” Most of the time it is only another piece of their evil plan to bring me down but guess who will have to clean it up the one time they are telling the truth. I have to say however, that it is sometimes worth the risk!
This is my main problem: only one bathroom. We are buying a house this year and my only request was AT LEAST two. Althought I doubt my kids would change their urge to break down the bathroom door anyway…
Haha! I wrote about The Bathroom Sanctuary this week, too! Funny where we find a little peace when the kids get to acting a fool!
Congrats on FP!
This blog was sparked because a good friend of mine told me she recently had to LAY DOWN on the floor, behind the couch, so she could go on her iPad in peace. When the kids would enter the room, she had to prevent the iPad’s glow from giving her away.
Very funny stuff. I have two little ones and I know I’ve seen my wife make a break for the “potty room” on more than one occasion. Congrats on Freshly Pressed and I hope you’ll take a moment to check out my page when you can. Keep up the good work!
Thanks!
Oh my gosh! Just saw you’ve been freshly pressed!! Congrats!!!!!! That is awesome!!!!!!!!! 🙂
Thank so much!
This is hilarious! Should keep this in mind to use it someday, hopefully! 😀 😉
Thank you and please remember my trick, you’ll be very happy you did.
Too funny! Congrats on being freshly pressed!
Thank you!
Enjoyed the post! Your article reminds me of the commerical with Stewie of the Family Guy. So cute and funny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNkp4QF3we8
That was hysterical! Pretty much sums up my normal day.
Hilarious! I can’t even find private time in the bathroom!
Congrats on being published on Freshly Pressed!
Thanks and yeah, my privacy in there is pretty short-lived. I don’t think I even know what that word means anymore!
LOL, this is an amazingly great way to escape!
It is and it’s something anyone can accomplish. No reservations and no money required.
I’m probably the farthest thing from a mom, but that ish was funny!
thanks for my morning laugh! Have you ever considered hiding booze in there? Portable dvd player? I’m just saying 🙂
~J
Why, yes I have!
Loved the last bit about Jolie!! Not a mum, but you had me cracking up 🙂
You just have to laugh sometimes. Kids or no kids, I think most of us can relate to that feeling of wanting to run and hide from the world.
So funny but so true! I thought I was the only lunatic finding reasons to stay in the bathroom! Now my boys are grown and away at school and when they come home to visit, believe me I miss them, but I still find myself running up to my room when all the sports get too much!
Nope, I am also a lunatic! And here I was thinking once the kids moved out, I wouldn’t have to feel like running away ever again?!
So funny! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Thank you, I had quite the laugh typing it out over my morning coffee
As a guy, father, husband – thanks for this post. I now understand that my wife is not losing her mind. Congrats on FP
Thanks and as long as there is a bathroom with a lock, your wife will stay sane.
You just gave away my mother’s biggest secret. Thank you 🙂
I know, the jig is up. 😉
Great post because it is so true. And Jolie has nannies. When is she ever distrubed? Congrats on being freshly pressed!
True. Maybe she just needs to escape from her nannies?
Nice! I have no idea what it’s like to be a mom. Sounds kind of scary running and hiding from the kids. Although, very funny post.
Thanks and it’s not all that bad. Kids are beautiful blessings…but they can just drive you up a frickin’ wall sometimes. I’m sure I did the same to my poor mom. 🙂
My Mom would have to disagree, because when we were growing up, she used to bemoan, “I can’t even pee in peace!”
I still say that. Most times it’s true!
Anyone who cleans a bathroom from time to time is certainly entitled to take refuge there from time to time. Terrific post.
Thank you! My husband cleans our some of the time. He’s more than welcome to hide in there and I have this sneaking suspicion he does quite a bit. 😉
Haha. I’ve definitely tried this but some how my family finds me way sooner than I’d hope. I might resport to my closet pretty soon. 😉 Check out my blog at http://www.ournote2self.wordpress.com
I’ve considered closets. Usually when I’m playing hide-n-seek and my kids can’t find me, I will stand in there as long as possible but it’s much too dark and cramped.
OMG! I laughed at this one. I hide in the bathroom too, in fact, I have a fan that automacally comes on, but that isn’t enough. I also have the white noise machine, candles, and I meditate. All the while, I faintly hear the bickering, which, without me there to witness it all directly, seems to simmer down quite quickly. It really is sanity that I am grasping for at these times and it saves them a tongue lashing.
I love to meditate with candles but usually try it first thing in the morning before anyone is awake. And, it’s so true, because of these little escapes, we can keep our sanity AND the kids don’t have to deal with the wrath of mom. Everyone wins! Well, except my poor husband who is locked out on the other side of the door. He can handle it though (briefly!)
Yesterday I acted like I was going to the bathroom, made a big production about it so everyone knew where I was going…. Then I grabbed my ipod when nobody was looking, locked the door….and….Nobody bugged me! It was great.
Yahoo!! Score another one for mom and her sanity! I am going to try and bring our little iTouch in there. Only if the kids don’t notice it missing, but it might just work. mua ha ha! Then I can post on my facebook status: Trapped in bathroom. Send chocolate.
OH….DANG IT!!!! I went and pushed the envelope…I got sloppy! The JIG IS UP! I got caught! I’m going to blame it on Katy Perry. My husband was silently waiting for me when I got out with a dumb look on his face…the kind you get when you, well, you get caught. I thought it was the perfect crime, but I alas….was I got caught singing!
I can picture that. Damn Katy Perry and her catchy tunes!
I hear ya, honey! I’m 60 and take care of my grandkids so I understand completely! The bathroom is one last bastion of solitude – albeit brief!
Way too brief! Maybe I’ll have a little break from the bathroom escape between the kids going to college and grandkids.
LOL, now I know why my mum stays in the bathroom so long…. 😀
Moms can be so crafty and clever, huh.
I love this post. I am not a mom, but I remember when my baby brother used to do this. So that’s where my mom always went.
Ha! Yeah, I bet she knew where he was. That’s the sad part, I suppose my family does know what I’m doing in there…which is why it drives them crazy! LOL
this post was amazing!! i’m not a mom, but I come from a big family, so I can totally relate. The ending is perfect. great job 😀
Thank you so much. I had five brothers growing up, with one bathroom. I remember having my radio cranked up in there to drown them all out.
LOL! Congrats on being freshly pressed!
Thank you very much!
I am happy I will never be a mother. B)
LOL
Yeah. So funny and so right too:)
love this! just like The Fonz, my bathroom is my office. the fan is good at drowning out the wailing and banging from 3 pairs of hands!
congrats!
Ooh, yeah, the Fonz! Smart man.
I LOVE this post!! So so so true. My walk-in closet (with it’s own door) is in my bathroom. My favorite thing to do is to go in the bathroom, lock the door, then go in my closet and shut the door. I take my body pillow and a blanket and have seriously taken a nap in there. I’m considering moving a futon in there. My husband doesn’t need his clothes or shoes in the closet, right??
Now THAT is genius! I need a walk-in closet now. Catch up on all that sleep I miss! And we all know your husband only needs a tiny corner of the room to throw his clothes/dirty laundry in…
Very funny and very true. Sounds like you are just like all of us Moms out here, love your children dearly but they do drive you crazy sometimes! Lord knows I spent many moments trying to regain sanity in my bathroom hide-away too. I remember those days all too well, but time will eventually come that you actually yearn to hear the sound of your children running, playing, (and yes, even fighting!) in your house because it’s just too stinking quiet!!
So true. Most days I try to cherish the constant craziness because I know that the “too quiet” days will come soon enough.
haha thats so funny! nice writing keep it up!!!
Thank you for your comment!
One more reason we need to install a fan in our bathroom. Thanks for this!
No problem. I’m here to help. 🙂
I’m only 18, but I completely agreed with everything I read. I can see how annoying and frustrating the ‘mom’ job can be. I’ve babysat some bratty kids before that reduced me to locking myself in the bathroom and crying, but I regained my composure and felt safe, locked behind that glorified door. 🙂
Continue writing, I enjoy reading.
When I think back to my babysitting days as a teen, I remember doing the same!
While I am not nor will I ever be a mother, I loved this story because I understand it. I raised my niece for a while and I do use the bathroom to hide from her even still.
Congrats on being freshly pressed.
I think this is something most people can relate to, kids or no kids. Thanks for the comment and visiting my blog. 🙂
As a teacher the bathroom is sometimes the only place I can get away from everyone for a bit. Going into a staffroom full of people during lunch time isn’t a break, especially when they often want you for a quick question….
I was an ed tech for a time and even then had to take a bathroom break here and there. Teachers especially deserve it!
This is one of the best FP posts I’ve read. Honestly. Great read. I’ll remember this for the future 🙂
Thanks so much and I hope you do keep this in mind for the future.
While this may be a step in the right direction, you are not thinking big enough: As long as you are in the bathroom you are relaxing on borrowed time. Why not add a secret exit from the bathroom so that you can actually get away? Or a secret room somewhere in the house, where you can hide more effectively? Or why not do both with some sort of bat cave? (Consider, in particular, the advantages of letting of steam by beating up super-villains. Besides, if your secret is discovered, you will be the world’s coolest mother to your children—not just someone hiding when there are shoes that need to be tied.)
haha some one is thinking TOO much out of the circle.
Mothers (like my mother) like to HIDE in the bathroom and take a break.
Many people say (as i agree) water calms a person down. SO no WONDER they go to the bathroom!
A bat cave?! Brilliant! I am drawing up the blueprints as I type this (on the toilet naturally…)
Brilliant, such a good idea, and sooo true! It’s crazy that a bathroom break is the only real break I often get in any day. And gosh yes re husbands being desperate to give back the kids after only a few minutes, “but I’ve been looking after them for ages!” I hear, after I’ve sepnt all the day with them prior to that point!
Yeah, to my husband 10 minutes equals 10 hours. Once I left him home with both kids for almost 3 hours. I returned to find the house a complete disaster and him begging me to never leave again.
I don’t have kids — I’m not even married — but the bathroom is my sanctuary. I run a bath, hang out for a little while, and get away from the people who annoy me and the animals who beg for my attention. I love them all, but sometimes you need a little vacation to save your sanity.
You know what? i agree!
haha, usually when i want some peace and quiet i cannot not get that, so i just go to the bathroom, get a book, sit down and read. When i want to get away i just go there. Many people do this, and i haven’t even NOTICED! 🙂
Absolutely! Even when I was single and had two cats I’d need to hide a bit.
I can’t even get away from cats when I go to the bathroom!
Ha! Yeah, when I was single with two cats I suppose the same thing would happen. Thankfully, cats can’t whine! But they can be a bit pushy…
I’m new to blogging .. but I love it. My favourite phrase at the moment is” I’ll be five minutes I’m just finishing of my blog”..or ” mummy just gotta finish one more sentence”..trying to keep everything calm. Wouldn’t want them thinking I wasn’t giving them any attention.. all hell would break loose !
oh, God forbid, right?!
There’s nothing like being in a quiet and peaceful environment. Nonetheless, there are experiences all parents must face. When the children grow up you’d wish you could have these moments again.
That’s what I keep telling myself to get through these moments.
Too funny! I used to say, “Mama is not here!” but that didn’t help…
What did help was going in my room and kneeling on my knees. When they would open the door, they knew not to disturb my precious time with God.
Yeah, I do the “mommy’s not here!” and that only makes things WORSE.
Hah, you are just giving to your soon-to-be teenagers wrong idea that it’s OK to spend 30+ minutes in a bathroom :)))
LOL But then I can bang on the door when they’re in there, yelling their names over and over and whining like crazy.
You shed some much needed light on my life! My wonderful wife does the same thing! Keep up the good work.
Thanks and you do the same. I visited your blog and kudos to you!
That has got to be the most spot on and hilarious post on a moment in motherhood EVER! hahaha! The hubby spending a grand total of 5 minutes alone with the kids . . . hahaha! For reals . . . cracking up and relating to you much, over here!
Thanks for your comments. I know, my hubby is a great dad but God help him if he spends too much time with the kiddos…LOL
I’m fortunate enough to have a husband who is sympathetic to stomach viruses. I’m not above faking one just to get a little reading done now and then!
Hmm…have to remember that one. 😉
Good for you! I will never understand the moms who don’t lock the bathroom door when husband is around to take care of the kids. Even when dad wasn’t home, my mother never dreamed of inviting us in when she was using the toilet or anything else. She taught us the concept of privacy.
I feel for my friends who have kids and have traded their privacy and dignity for motherhood. As my mother showed me, a woman can have all three. -Jen
Agreed. I try to have privacy, I really REALLY try.
I’m not a mom but I’m a teacher of very little kids and have these moments of needed serenity as well. I don’t hide in the bathroom (can you imagine??) but I do step into the closet for 30 seconds to breathe and bring my blood pressure down a few notches! Funny post!
Ha! Yes, even 30 seconds can help!
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Oh my goodness, the bathroom is my safe haven too!!! I sit on the toilet, crack open a book, and when Mr. Wench or one of my children inevitably ask if I’m okay, I respond that “Mommy’s pooping!!” Mr. Wench thinks I’m one of the most regular people he knows. 🙂
I am dying I’m laughing so hard right now. Thanks for that!
This was fantastic! I can totally relate! I have a two year old, a 9-month old puppy, and 2 older cats. It’s so difficult for me to hide out in the bathroom, but I try! I also just started a blog, Late Bloomer Mom.
Thanks again! – Tawnya
Now I hear a puppy can be just as challenging. Plus a 2 year old?! Woman, you need a bathroom break, stat!
OH, yeah. My daughter is 13 and I swear she still comes running from the furthest corners if she hears me “sitting down” in there! I’m pretty sure there is some alarm hooked into the toilet seat….
Oh I just spit out my coffee. Hilarious. I think so too. My kids could be downstairs playing for hours, the bathroom empty. But the nanosecond I go in there, BAM! They are both outside my door. Amazing abilities my kids have, huh?
So funny. Thanks for the smile.
You’re welcome. Thanks for visiting.
wow that’s so funny!! Congrats on FP!
-Tia
http://www.tiallarising.wordpress.com
Thank you and I hope you visit again.
ive been hiding in the bathroom for years..i still do..that was so spot on..
It’s so encouraging to know I’m not the only bathroom lunatic hider out there. 🙂
Last time I hid in there my boys set up a trap right outside the door….They’ve got one of those laser beam alarms that shoots darts! Should’ve known better..it was quiet the whole time I was in there! 🙂 Congrats on FP!
So now your bathroom adventure sounds more like Indiana Jones! Oh, poor poor mommy… LOL
wow..
thank you for this, even i’m not a mom yet, but i think every woman need the bathroom ritual.
Thx for sharing 🙂
If you ever become a mom, you’ll be prepared with all the tricks. Thanks for your comments.
Love it! Glad to know this is normal behavior–I’ve been a bathroom escape artist since my first kid could crawl!
It’s very good to know this is normal behavior. I was only intending for a few people to read this blog. haha!
I LOVE THIS! You are sooooo in my head.
I tried! LOL
very entertaining post– nice and humorous.
Did you happen to write this while in the Restroom?
Ha! If only I had an iPad I would have…but the idea was born in there.
I call the bathroom “my office” and you bet I hide from the kids in there! Loved your post and congrats on making Fresh Pressed!
Thanks and I’ll be sure to check out your blog.
I just have one kid, but he manages 50″Mummy” whining in 1 minute. Loved your blog. It’s all so true
One kid is ENOUGH. I had one kid for four years and still I hid in the bathroom occasionally…LOL
We moved when the kids were: 5,6,7,& 16. The house had tons of hidding places, even spots out in the yard where they couldn’t find me. I was free.
Nice post, hopefully with your move you too, can find peace beyond the bathroom.
Thank you and I hope so too. I really hope we have a big enough yard with huge trees I can hide in!
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You’re a mom who speaks my language. I really do need to keep some reading material in the bathroom. I usually end up just cleaning it, which is a break when it’s done without the kids’ help, but not as much of a break as not cleaning the bathroom.
Oh god. I’ve done that too. I end up cleaning the toilet. Then I think, what am I doing?!
So I finally figured out what my mother does in the bathroom for two hours! She’s recuperating her sanity! Good lord women move slowly with this, I would figure millions of years of evolutionary processing and dealing with crying children would’ve at least made this process go, to say, about under 30 minutes but still! 2 hours!
She’s abusive in her ways, but now I know the truth 😉
2 hours?! Damn, she’s GOOD!
Hilarious post, thank you!
you are welcome!
i do this!! who cares if i shred a bit of sex appeal and appear taking a massive “#2” when i am really just sitting there, reading the book of french verbs i keep on the windowsill (man, that word doesn’t look right when ur tired.) or the copy of the great gatsby i have behind the curtain. 🙂
Ha! I spit out my coffee reading this one. Thanks!
Haha, very funny. Keep up the good work.
Thank you so much and I will try.
Haha, very good post. I can’t wait until the day when I can hide in the bathroom. Sadly, not yet, my 19 month old always wants to accompany me there. On the off chance I slip in unnoticed, she realises about 2 seconds later and bangs on the door while saying “Mummy, Mummy!” repeatedly until I open up for her. Sigh, someday….
My son is eight and still sometimes bangs on the door, but he’s getting better at letting me be the older he gets. There’s hope yet! And once he’s a teen and in there all the time, I can start banging on the door. Payback. 🙂
I’m a dad and must confess to doing the same thing. Taking a book in with me as well!
I think my husband is guilty of this too.
Too funny! And true. I am a realtor and actually met my husband at an open house. Had I known that I would eventually marry him and move into the house I sold him (and spend time hiding from him and our daughter in the bathroom) I would have only shown him houses with more elaborate bathrooms. Something to remember when I sell him on our next house…
Definitely. Bathrooms with a giant spa tub and separate sitting room…
Great Post !!
Thanks for the share.
Vanimator
http://www.vanimator.com
thanks for stopping by
OMG! I hide in the bathroom all the time. I even thought I’d invented that escape route. Disappointed to see I didn’t ;). Very funny post! K
Thank you. I truly thought I did too. I think this has been going on since moms have been around.
Love this. I am going to hide in my bathroom right now…
Good luck! 😉
I work in an area with no windows… all except for the one window in the bathroom with a sunny southern exposure. Many moments of “clinging to sanity”, texting for support, even an occasional telephone call have been made from the bathroom. One can hardly be critiqued for “dodging out for a minute” when it’s the bathroom!! and the room has a view. tiniest bit of sky and a tree or two ~ and assorted, lined up cars in a parking lot ;-(… Thanks for you post.
Sometimes gazing at that tree or two outside is all it takes to ground yourself. It’s going to be okay. Sigh.
This is hilarious! 😀 Keep up the good work! 🙂
Thank you and I will certainly try!
I’ve been trying to explain the bathroom privacy concept to my daughter. She thinks it means that she comes in the bathroom with me, and locks the door, and she always insists that one of us, mom or dad, hang out with her while she’s in the bathroom. My only “workaround”: here, you sit and watch tv (to which she becomes fixated) while I go to the bathroom.
Funny stuff, congrats on being freshly pressed. BTW, my dad lives in E. Boothbay, on the coast.
Thanks. My daughter does that too, follows me right in. *shaking head*
Congrats on being freshly pressed! Great post and I also love the comment about your friend laying on the floor and hiding the iPad light.
I have a 14 year old who still hunts me down if I ‘escape’ into the bathroom…pounds on the door, and says “can I come in, I just need to ask you something”? It is often a question like “would you ever let me get a motorcycle, go bunging jumping, etc when I am 16?” Real urgent questions.
Two more suggestions for you – I’ve gone into the garage and listened to the radio in the car, and gone into my son’s room and laid down in his bed for 5 minutes. He’s never thought to look for me there!
May you have 5 minutes of peace today.
I am going to try the car radio thing once the weather warms up a bit! Thanks!
Even now, with my children older, I have to put up a sign “Is the house on fire? Is there bleeding?” when I want to write. Sometimes it works. And little did I know that when the kids stopped panicking at the bathroom door, I’d have a cat who’d do the same thing. Great post — so true, so painfully true! Thanks.
Check out my blog: barbaracoles.wordpress.com
Ha! Love the sign comments. Exactly. Seriously, is it too much to ask for five minutes uninterrupted time to collect your thoughts?! Apparently so.
I really enjoyed reading your post. Thank you for the laugh…I will pass it on to some of the moms who I know set up shop here 🙂
Thanks, I appreciate that.
Me too.
Peace and quiet are rare and valuable commodities, particularly with pups in profusion. I don’t think many of my solutions would help you. For example, rubbing my breakfast bar on spilled pepper on the kitchen floor or sitting on top of the dining room table until the humans file an objection. But, I sure can commiserate with you. It’s enough to make you howl at the moon at times!
Sandy
http://www.sandysays1.wordpress.com
Ha! It surely is! Laughed at your comments, thanks.
So funny and so true! I have to sneak into the bathroom even to use it otherwise my toddler will knock, yell, stick his little fingers under the door and demand his entrance!
What did you have kids for? Are you going to run and hide when they bring you real problems?
Very funny! I especially enjoyed the Kramer reference. I’m just starting the joys of motherhood and have to say I love my bath alone time.
Thanks for all of the comments, I am laughing at quite a few of them. I hope all of you temporarily frazzled moms and dads, aunts/uncles, grandparents etc. out there can grab a few minutes of peace alone here and there. I appreciate each day with my kids and am all the more content because I can have these few minutes of quiet and solitude.
Wow, and I thought I was the only one 🙂 I can totally relate to every letter you wrote. I escape to the bathroom cuz no one can get me in there 🙂 I even take the escape a step further..(when dad is supervising the kids) I escape to the shower, which is like a room within a room… they REALLY can’t get me in there. I KNOW it is just a mini escape, but sooo worth it. The things we mom’s do…. we really need a prize now and then 🙂
Exactly, we all deserve a tiny break once in awhile. Especially if Dad in on duty, why not??
Exactly, we all deserve a tiny break once in awhile. Especially if Dad is on duty, why not??
LOL! I came across your blog from the front page – this is hilarious! lol
I used to use the bathroom at work as a kind of “escape” for a few minutes LOL. I would just take extra time wahing my hands or “doing my hair” so that I could gain a little bit of breathing room lol.
Your post made me laugh 🙂
Y’know…I used to do the same thing at work too. haha! Thanks for your comments and I’m happy I made you laugh a little.
Well now I know where my wife goes when she is frustrated at the chipmunk! HAHA! I will have to remember this and come up with a way to use it to my advantage…
Don’t tell her I told you! 😉 Thanks for visiting my blog.
Love the article, thanks for the laugh!
You are quite welcome. 🙂
You are hilarious! I’m so glad I found your blog. Know exactly what you’re talking about.
Whew! I’m glad so many do. Thanks for visiting and I hope you keep stopping by.
Totally hilarious! I have retreated to the bathroom to escape the kids many times, but you’ve given lots of ideas planned to make it a real sanctuary and enjoy the 3 minutes before they discover I’m in there! Thanks!
Thank you. That’s what I’m here for…great little tricks and tips to restore your sanity!
Great blog. I know how you feel. The other day I went to have a shower and forgot to lock the door! After 5 minutes, I had had a visit from every member of the family (including the cat). When they all arrived at the shower door at once, staring at me naked, and all complaining about each other ( 2 children and the husband, the cat however was ominously quiet…I cleaned that up later!) I lost it.
I forgot to lock the door once too while taking a shower. Within minutes my entire family was inside our tiny bathroom having an argument over the Wii. I finally said, “UH, hello! Can’t you discuss this OUTSIDE the bathroom?!” LOL
Oh my, this is exactly what I go through. I have 3 year old twin girls. Most of the time they act like chimpanzees that have had way too much Mountain Dew. Right now, I’m sitting in the recliner with my laptop. One has climbed up behind me and is sitting on my shoulders playing with my hair. The other had a death grip on my left arm. How Can I still type with this going on? Let’s just say its a gift. I don’t get many bathroom escapes, if I leave the room for more than a minute someone is getting into trouble!
I can completely relate to having to deal with monkeys jacked up on too much caffeine. This is why moms can multi-task so well. 😉
No wonder my wife wants an extra bathroom in the house for herself…:-)
The jig is up!
You are Funny..
Seriously
Thank you and please visit again..
I’m not a mom, but with 2 cats, 1 dog and a husband freshly back from Afghanistan, the bathroom can be my sanctuary, too! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed today. Always nice to find a fellow-Mainer on the blogosphere!
Thank you and hello Mainer! We all need a sanctuary don’t we?
Being a mom has it’s challenging aspects to be sure. When I was raising my babies. Six of them, the oldest 9, not even the bathroom was off limits to little intruders. Little hands waving to me under the door.
Incessant banging”Mommy,Mommy Eggy is killing Julian!!!!”
It wasn’t my Calgon moment.
I found an unusual and I’ll admit deperate alternative.
While cleaning the gutters one Spring I found it quite easy to climb onto the roof of our house.
Heaven!
No one could follow me there!
I lied down and watched the sky.
From then on in good weather when I needed a break I climbed up to our roof with my phone and a can of soda.
When my kids were older it was not unusual for them to climb up to the roof for some getting away from the smaller kids. (We lived in a single story rancher and the roof was fairly flat.)
I got used to my concerned neighbors calling to let me know my boys were on the roof.
My husband and I are past the baby years.
But weirdly in an intimate moment recently my 22 year old son knocked on my bedroom door and walked right in and threw himself down on the bed to have a word with his dad.
He never noticed the sheets pulled up to our chins or the pajamas kicked to the floor.
After a few moments he left. My husband got up and locked our door.
All I could say was “Did I just imagine that?”
Yes, unfortunately Calgon never manages to “take me away” much! I wish I had a flatter roof. That sounds like heaven…laying there looking at the sky. I do sometimes gaze out my tiny bathroom window but it’s not the same.
As for your son’s story, not something I’m looking forward to. I recently saw an episode of Modern Family where the teens did just that and it was hysterical.
I can so relate, only my kids are still litte. Nothing worse than being caught In flagrante delicto by your 5 year old standing silently at the bedroom door. Very hard to explain. Best just to distract with junk food treats and TV!
Ha! LOVE this! Yes, best to distract…
Haha great post! I’m going to make note of this for that one day (in the far off future) I have children/a family. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Thank you and just remember to lock the door and you will be just fine.
Haha. I love it!
I can SO relate to this 🙂
Scary how many of us can…
I completely understand the feeling!!! There should be kid swap day with a celeberity so that they have four nannies and we don’t have to lift a finger!!!
Amen!
So true and so well written. We all need our alone time any way we can get it, right?
Amen! And thanks for your comments!
I am not a mom yet, so I can’t say that I can relate to your experiences, but nevertheless, your post just helped me better understand what my mom means when she tells me that it wasn’t easy bringing me up. Until we become moms, it is hard to relate to our own mothers’ hard work in raising us, so I’m really glad that I came across your post. All the while reading your post, I felt gratitude towards my mom swelling inside of me. Thanks for reminding me to be grateful, appreciative, and loving towards my mom; I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her love, hard work, and sacrifices.
-Peiying
Absolutely. My mom raised six of us so I can only imagine how much alone time she needed to get through some days! Raising my own kids, so many times I think to myself, “so THIS is why she did the things she did!” Very eye-opening. Thank you for your comments, they were very touching.
I am so happy I am not alone with the bathroom hideout! The problem is I am on my own, and it’s amazing just how much mess can occur downstairs from two little people in those 5 minutes I am hiding out!
When my husband is at work, I can only be in there a few seconds or I’m flirting with disaster. 😉
hehe..this is soo funny great post The Leaves Fall
Great post! (I like to keep a magazine in my bathroom, and there is underfloor heating so it is quite a comfortable place to relax and recover (or count to ten if that is what is needed!))
Oh, nice! Gotta have heat. A window is great too. I can gaze longingly out it and wish I could run away..just for a bit…I’d come back.
Great post! I’m sending this to my wife right now. Mostly to let her know that I’m on to her!! 🙂
I know it won’t work on your family – but my handy Get Out of Jail Free card might help in situations outside the home : http://houldsworth.wordpress.com/2011/01/04/why-does-she-do-it/ Hopefully you can use that to avoid having to use public bathrooms! (ugh)
Thanks for a great post, and congrats on being freshly pressed.
Thanks and be sure to tell your wife that I am sorry the secret’s out. 😉
The bathroom refuge applies for dads, as well. However, we made the critical error of not putting locks on the bathroom doors because we didn’t want our four kids locking themselves in, not thinking ahead to realize that also meant we couldn’t lock them out. It’s unfortunate. Going to the bathroom used to be the best 45 minutes of my day.
Very funny (and true) post. Congrats on being Pressed.
That is a damned shame. My husband is a good bathroom escape artist too, but he usually doesn’t need it as much as I do. His little sanctuary is the drive to work when he can blast his music for 30 minutes. Lucky guy.
Awww! You reminded me of a book my own mother rather pointedly bought for me when I was little. It’s called “Five Minutes Peace” about an elephant mummy who locks herself in the bathroom. I cannot remember how it ends but it did make me feel a bit guilty when I knocked on the toilet door every few seconds while my mum was taking care of business!
(http://www.amazon.co.uk/Five-Minutes-Peace-Little-Favourites/dp/0744581648/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1297608472&sr=8-2)
I’ll have to check that book out. And here I was thinking I invented something amazing.
great post. I’m 83% positive my mom, and most moms, do this.
Ha! Oh yes, from the looks of these comments, they do. Thanks for visiting!
Oh, don’t forget the iPod or MP3. Those little ear buds drown EVERYTHING OUT! If the house is on fire, you’re in the bathroom, probably the safest place, so don’t worry if you can’t hear the smoke alarms.
Mine are 19 and 23. I STILL retreat to the bathroom for privacy. Except whining has been replaced with “where’s this” or “where’s that”, “can I have some money?”, “why does he have to shower when I want to?”, “did he flushed the toilet on purpose when I was showering?”, “how come you let him stay out later than I did?”.
Oy.
Oh great. I’m imagining the “can I have some money?” questions now. I thought this behavior would magically disappear once they were older. “Oy” is right!
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Oh, lock the door! That’s the step I keep forgetting! 😉
And that is the most important step to take!
I had a friend who went to Evergreen! It is beautiful up there. I, however, live in the desert – the arm pit of Washington. It’s not so bad….the squirrels seem to like it. I’ve added you to my blog roll. 🙂
Oh, that’s a shame you live in the armpit. 😉 At least the squirrels are happy. Now, I live pretty close to the armpit of Maine myself, about 30 minutes from the coast…I do miss Olympia and TESC campus was gorgeous. Plus, it was not too far from my fave city of all time, Seattle. The rain did get to me after awhile though and I actually found myself missing snow.Thanks for adding me to your blog roll. I have to figure out how to do that myself, still new to this blogging thing!
I’m obviously not the first person for whom your post struck a chord. I keep the Saturday colour supplement magazine in there for those crisis times. But it had never occurred to me before just how lucky Angelina is…
She is way too lucky!
lol and that’s what i need to do get a lock on the door
VERY very important. Very. LOL
New to your blog and I loved what you wrote! I have a son who is old enough (8) that he has figured out how to unlock the bathroom door (a few years ago). He’ll come barging in when I’m in “the reading room” grabbing his crotch, doing the dance. My usual comment to him is- I’m busy- pee off the porch…IN THE GRASS! (we live in the country) Looking forward to reading more.
I always just sit in the bathroom and read a book … and I’m 15! It’s the one place my parents can’t – under pretty much any circumstances – take the book off me. Sure, they can yell, but I’ve still got the book. Muah ha ha. And whether they like it or not, I will sit there until I finish it, because there is absolutely nothing they can do.
Yep, that pretty much sums up my feelings. It is the only place where I can truly have some “me” time without anyone interrupting.
🙂
Oh my life! I am not alone! Other Moms do it too! I laughed my way through this whole post. and yes, I do stash my laptop in the bathroom on especially bad days to do just this!
I am soooo happy other moms do this. I was beginning to think I was the only one.
You and my mum probably went to the same ‘Mothers’ school!
When my parents renovated our house, they installed a private phone line from their bathroom, telling us kids it was for emergencies only. Little did we realise at the time, it was in fact, my mum’s private hide-away.
While I don’t have kids just yet, I am now armed with all the secrets I’ll need to survive and to find my self with some-kind of privacy!!!
Thanks a bunch!
Wow, a private phone line! She was serious about her hideout! Course now with my little iTouch I can even watch movies on netflix in mine. Thanks for your comments and for visiting my blog.
You know I remember those days. I havent seen my two boys in over ayear so I would love to hear them yell my name till I had to go to the bathroom to keep from losing mind.
I will no doubt one day wish my kids were around to drive me batty. As for now, I am trying to cherish even those crazy Calgon take me away days.
I would add that mom should only try this when the hubby is home to keep an eye on the kids. I tried this once and emerged to find that my twins had “dusted” the kitchen with corn starch. Cleaning up that mess was not worth the few minutes of peace and quiet I had while hiding in the bathroom.
Good point. Sometimes it’s not worth the risk. I encountered a shredded cheese explosion in the kitchen and living room once.
She probably has 5 or 6 bathrooms….and 5 or 6 nannies too.
Or maybe she has zero nannies and one cramped bathroom that she cries in occasionally? Nah!
What a great surprise to see a fellow Maineiac on Freshly Pressed today! I laughed out loud a few times reading this. Look forward to more.
All best,
Jen
Hello fellow Mainah! I’m happy that my personal bathroom habits can make people laugh. 😉
I love this! Well done!
Thanks for your comments and for visiting!
I love this advice. Today I locked myself in the car and cried and then texted a friend and then cried some more. Teenagers!!!!!
Lovely post, thanks for sharing.
Thanks for visiting. Crying and texting…hmm…I think I have another idea for a post now.
I love your creative writing style… I hide in the bathroom also, your story spoke to me in volumes, thanks for being out there and sharing!
And thank you for relating to my crazy life. Hope you visit again to see what other lunatic things I’m up to… 😉
Great post, lots of humor in it; and so easy to recognize ourselves as daily-life-moms 😉 Thanks!
I am relieved so many can relate. I was thinking I was the only one! Thanks for visiting my blog.
Good tips – thanks for sharing!
and thank you for your comment 🙂
What a fabulous post. That brings back a lot of memories from when my kids were little. Oddly enough, once they get to be teenagers, they still knock on the door!
One tip I would add to your marvelous list is to not let the cat follow you in. My cat would always sneak in as I was closing the door, and then would inevitably want out. Once you have to open the door to let the cat out, the jig is up!
Congrats on being freshly pressed! I can’t wait to read more of your blog. 🙂
Sparrow
We currently don’t have any pets but are considering getting another cat soon. Just to add even more craziness to the mix. Why not, huh? 😉 Thanks for visiting my blog, hope you stick around.
Good for you….I don’t get the bathroom either…..I always get MOM…MOM…MOM right outside the door. Great site!
I’m beginning to think I’ll be hearing MOM MOM until they are off and married. Thanks for visiting my site!
Luckily i only have one son to deal with… But i did sometimes hide in the bathroom too…
Happy V days
from Indonesia
Y’know, even with one kid, it’s a sanctuary!
Congrats on being featured on Word Press! Really enjoyed reading your post and can SO relate. In fact, last night when my two kids (3 and 4 months old) were FINALLY asleep after what felt like an endless weekend of nose-wiping, diaper changing and crisis negotiating, all I could think about was “Why did I sign up for this?” Then, I wake up today and see their smiling faces and remember… oh, until my 3 year old threw up just as we were about to head to day care. Ahhh.. motherhood!
Motherhood is just packed with ups and downs! Never a dull moment (unfortunately) I always say to my husband, “good thing they’re so cute and lovable” And he usually says, “I don’t know. I wanted a dog.” 😉
Ha! I do this alllllllllll the time. If there is a bathroom in the master bedroom, locking the bedroom door and then locking the bathroom door with the fan running means you won’t hear a thing (ie kids banging on the bedroom door trying to break in) during your brief escape. I think my hubby wonders about my digestive system with all the times I am in the bathroom with the fan running – he hasn’t clued in yet to what I am actually doing so I can stay in there as long as I need because he is too mortified to ask what is up… >;D
~Laila
I know, Laila! I think Jim was too scared to find out what was really going on in there. Know he knows the truth…stupid me had to tell him about this post! Oh well. At least he’s learned NOT to pound on the door whining he can’t take the kids anymore.
i call the bathroom my sanctuary too – so funny – great read – thx for the laugh – hahaa
and thank you for reading!
It ‘s really made me call up my childrenhood.
I hope that’s a good thing!
LOL. That is not only hysterical, it is also so true. I do it so often, I was reading my own story- though you write it better. I have also, many times, ran into my room and covered my head with a pillow- real tight and it took them a while to find me, but it calmed me for a second. Sometimes all I need is a second. (of course I need more but beggars cant be choosers. lets be realistic here.)
Exactly. Those few precious seconds can turn your whole day around!
I love your writting.
wichan jaruensook
Thank you for stopping by my blog!
So well said! I am guilty of taking a little longer in the shower sometimes for the same reasons! They don’t miss me much once Daddy gets home, but if I try it before that my 2 yr old will go up and down the hallway saying, “Mommy, where go? Where go, Mommy!” Don’t worry she is not out there alone, she has 2 older sisters…
I agree, when Daddy is home I can manage to spend at least a few minutes in there. When it’s just me and the kids, it only takes seconds before I hear “Mom? Where are you???”
I totally agree with you!! Mine are teenagers now, and I can’t even go there to escape anymore without hearing mom?! Where are you? Really? I can’t even go to the bathroom anymore in peace! So I feel ya on that one! Love your blog! Would love for you to follow mine? and let me know how I’m doing? lol…I’m new and don’t really know where to go with it! Have a great weekend!!
Thanks so much for your comments! And here I was thinking that when they were teens, I wouldn’t need to hideout in the bathroom anymore.
Ohhh I totally agree. And may I suggest, a silent scream in an elevator can also be therapeutic. Not as magnificent as all my bath salts, lotions, and aromatherapy unguents in my sanctuary of a bathroom. Thanks for the reminder! I will go and beautify and relax… NOW! My baby is only 10 months old. I know I have a lot of bathroom therapy/meditation ahead of me.
Oh yeah! The silent scream! I do believe I tried that trick into a pillow more than a few times during the sleep deprivation newborn years…
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Oh this is fantastic, was just talking with a friend about how moms always hide in the bathroom! LOL, best refuge in the world.
It certainly is! Thanks for your comments.
ive been hiding in the bathroom for years..i still do..that was so spot on..
Thanks! I think it was spot on for many more people than I would have guessed.
Oh, joys of being a mom.
On the other hand, how else would you learn to enjoy “fuzzy pink toilet seat” 🙂
Bwahaha! I’m so glad for your meme leading me to this post. Every morning, my 10 minutes in the bathroom during and post shower are “my time.” Without the door locked? Forget about it. It’s a free-for-all. With the door locked? Apart from my awakening before everyone else sans alarm clock, this is the only time I’ll get for many hours to come.
I see now it’d be a pro move to actually include my own reading material instead of relying on Ba.D.’s. (Yale’s alum magazine . . . yippee?) I’d best do that before the menfolk get a-stirrin’!
Yes, I strongly advise that you plan ahead with some good trashy mags, Yale’s alum mag just won’t cut it I’m afraid. Plus, you’ll need food, music…internet access. You could stay in there the entire morning if you play your cards right (and LOCK THAT DOOR!)
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When I go into the bathroom to actually utilize its facilities, I have to lock the door to keep my husband and cat out. If I forget, my husband either opens the door and stands there staring at me and asks “What are you doing?” or some other inane question or comment. He also opens the door to let the cat in. If the cat is on the other side of the locked door, he meows and fishes under the door with his paw. Not sure what he thinks this will accomplish. If he manages to be in the bathroom with me, he does everything he can to get me to massage, hold or scratch him. I have devised a method of meeting his needs while on the toilet. I place a foot on each side of him and rub to and fro. It’s called multi-tasking. That doesn’t work with my husband.😈😝