When I think of summer, I think of lazy days spent by the pool or picnics on the grass. But how does my husband spend his summer days? Catching up on reality shows. Not Jersey Shore or Desperate Housewives of DC, but other gems like Parking Wars, Operation Repo or Ice Road Truckers. I know, I’m just as shocked as you that there is a meter maid, repo man and ice road trucker demographic.
One show we both love is Pawn Stars. First off, we always get a good giggle out of trying to accurately say the name out loud. Humor comes cheap in our house. Second, we love the details and history behind certain items people drag in. And to witness the inevitable letdown when they realize they aren’t going to fund their kid’s college tuition by hawking great-grandma’s Smith & Wesson.
Every show goes something like this:
Store owner: “So, whatcha got here?”
“This here is a bonafide authentic official ham sandwich that JFK took a bite out of…you can see the teeth marks right there.”
“Okay. Well.” Laughs. “Do you want to sell it or trade it or what?”
“Sell it. I need a new liver, just hit the slots and went a little too far with the free drinks.”
“Okay, well, I really need to have my Ham Sandwich Expert come down and take a look first.”
Some guy with a tuxedo t-shirt and a tie comes in and appraises it at 50 bucks.
Store Owner: “Okay, so how much do you want for it?”
“Well, that expert said I could get 50, so I’ll take 50.”
“Um, no.” Laughs hysterically, bordering on contempt. “I need to make a profit here so….” Laughs again to add a dose of even more humiliation. “I’ll offer you a quarter.”
“But, it was JFK’s and look…if you hold it this way it looks like it’s in the shape of Elvis’ head.”
“Sorry, that’s all I can offer.”
“Okay, well. I think I’ll keep it, it might be worth more someday.”
Fascinating television at its finest. I thought maybe there weren’t enough of these “true life” shows out there so I came up with a few of my own to pitch to the History channel in case Pawn Stars starts to fizzle.
Yard Sale Whores: Follow lifelong friends Evelyn and Thelma as they scour the yards of America in search of the elusive salt and pepper shakers shaped like cats. Witness the intense haggling over an old Tony Bennett 45. “I’ll give you a quarter for it.” “Sorry, no can do.” “How about a quarter, a button and a stick of Trident?” “Sold!”
The Waiting Room A live show depicting real life moms in the doctor’s waiting room. As the hours tick slowly by, witness the unraveling of her sanity as one kid starts eating crayons, another runs in circles yelling, “Poopy! I gots to go poopy!” and yet another throws up on the receptionist.
Fed Up Fed Ex Drivers A slice of life in the average day of a Fed Ex Driver. Will he be able to deliver 3,000 packages to 600 homes in 8.5 hours? Will he be flashed by a desperate housewife? Will he ever tire of the joke, “Yeah, I’ve got your package right here, baby”? Will he have to pee in his water bottle? Stay tuned to find out.
Lawn Mower Wars Imagine a world where every man’s lawn is the true measure of his manhood. Follow a small subdivision in the heart of America as men compete to produce the plushest, greenest golf course anyone has ever seen. Watch the drama unfold as no matter what these men put themselves through, the lawn continues to grow. A tragedy of epic proportions played out every single day in the backyards of our country.
If I could convince my husband to get off the lawn mower, I know he’d watch that last one.