New Year’s Day is one of my least favorite holidays. After the Times Square ball drops and the champagne pops, it’s time for serious reflection. Ultimately, it’s time for guilt and shame. As soon as we’re back at work and the hangover has worn off, we feel this urge to do wild-n-crazy things–like change. We’ve convinced ourselves that we’re not good enough; our lives need improvement. We need to reorganize our closet! Start jogging! Stop eating! Quit drinking! Be nicer! Stop watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta! Deep down, we know there are some things too toxic for our health and well-being.
We must sit down and make a New Year’s Resolution list. This year, I am way ahead of the game. My hope is to fail before I even start.
Oh, goodie, another year gone! Let’s see…what haven’t I accomplished? What things have I failed miserably at, year after year? I still haven’t 1) Lost weight 2) Gone back to school 3) Learned how to play the violin 4) Met and married Sting.
But why limit this self-torture to January 1st? It’s just another meaningless milestone, a mere number on the calender we created to mark the passage of time. Well, the passage of time has done a number on my body. I can’t get by eating endless amounts of sugar anymore. (And believe me, I’ve tried.) So I decided that starting the day after Thanksgiving, I would give up sweets. Why wait until New Year’s to celebrate my lack of willpower?
It was Black Friday and the shoppers were out pepper spraying each other for the iPad2. I was home safe in my slippers, contemplating my New Year’s Resolutions ahead of time because I am an OCD-ish Virgo and that’s what we do best. As soon as I polished off a few more decadent chunks of my mom’s Quadruple-Chocolate Fudge, I said to myself, This is it! No more sweets for this chick! Then I ate a few more of my daughter’s Reese peanut butter cups because they were shaped into adorable little Christmas trees and really, who are we kidding? It was simply too tempting to pass up. I patted my stomach, sighed and thought, This is really it! I’m done. No more sugar! I can stop eating chocolate, no problem! It’s just filling a void. A void that can only be filled with love. Yeah, love! Love is all you need–John Lennon said so! Later that evening, I said to my husband, “This is it. I’m done. No more sugar. I swear.” Then I lovingly finished the last of the pumpkin chocolate swirl cheescake.
Although I crave most things sweet, apparently, anything chocolate is my main downfall. Countless studies have shown that neurotransmitters in a woman’s brain transmit the same euphoric feelings whether the woman is falling in love, having sex or eating a Godiva truffle. My husband and I have been married almost 12 years, we currently have two extremely (hyper) active young kids and we live right next door to my elderly (demanding) mother. I’m 41 years old and in a perpetual state of feeling mind-numbingly exhausted. You can probably figure out why I love to eat chocolate. So why not see if I can do without it? I love a good challenge.
I read somewhere that in order to squash your sugar craving, it would take at least two weeks of abstinence to completely get it out of your system.
I am here to tell you that it takes longer.
Instead of going the cold turkey route (unless the turkey was slathered in chocolate sauce), I decided to be kind to myself and slowly wean off the cravings. As slow as the chocolate syrup being drizzled onto the whipped topping on my hot fudge sundae with extra sprinkles.
DAY 1: Limited daily sugar intake to one tiny Twix ‘fun-size’ bar with a soothing cup of oolong tea. Very proud of myself. This is so easy!
DAY 2: Passed on the chocolate chip cookies my kids demanded I bake them. Came close to licking spoon–instead threw spoon at husband’s head. Willpower is working! This is so easy!
DAY 3: Huge craving strikes out of blue. The shakes start. I go into a trance. Later, I wake up to find myself hiding in the pantry shoveling semi-sweet Ghirardelli chocolate chips into my mouth while hunched over the garbage can.
DAY 4: Consumed no sweets at all the entire day. I have done it! Go, me! I’ve conquered sugar! I am queen of the world!
DAY 5: My mother calls to inform me Dr. Oz said sugar is hiding in every single food item, including peanut butter, ketchup and spaghetti sauce. I lapse into an expletive-filled anti-Oz rant of epic proportions. What the hell does he know? Just because he prances around in those ridiculous scrubs all day doesn’t mean he’s God. My mom tells me to calm down, go have a cookie and she’ll be right over with the chocolate fudge brownies that just came out of her oven. I realize I am surrounded by a bunch of sugar-pushers. It’s unavoidable–I can’t possibly get through the holidays without sugar! I relapse at the hopelessness of it all. I eat four chocolate chip cookies and an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s special edition Chocolate Up the Wazoo ice cream using a candy cane as a spoon. I feel satisfied yet bitter.
DAY 6: Renewed sense of hope. Dr. Oz is still a jerk. Scooped up all the sugary foods and hid them in the tiny cupboard over the fridgerator that no one ever opens. Brought home some yogurt from the grocery store. Eagerly tasted one spoonful. “Oh yeah! This tastes just like Black Forest Cake–MY ASS!” threw the spoon at my husband’s head and stormed out of the kitchen.
DAY 7: Husband brings home a box of Little Debbie Snackcakes shaped like snowmen. Divorce is pending.
DAY 8: Discover Clementine oranges are healthy, sweet and delicious. Buy ten pounds and dig into one every time I get a craving. Fingernails are permanently stained orange. Husband and I have reconciled.
DAY 9: Read that a tiny amount of dark chocolate each day is good for you. Rediscover my will to live.
DAY 10: While watching Survivor, husband asks why there is a pile of tiny Twix Fun-Sized candy bar wrappers on the coffee table. And in my lap. And inbetween the couch cushions. And in a long winding trail leading to the cupboard above the fridge. I protest, “But they are tiny! Look, they’re only 50 calories each!” Husband raises his eyebrows and smirks. “How many did you have?” I snidely answer, “What’s your point?” My husband glares at me. I burst into sobs and yell, “FINE! I had 73! You happy now?!” and run away to hide in my closet to finish off the rest of the bag in peace.
DAY 11: Went entire day eating zero sweets. Somehow the accomplishment feels as hollow as the milk chocolate Santa my daughter ate right in front of me.
DAY 11 to 14: Still no sweets. I’m winning!
DAY 14: See giant candy cane the size of a reindeer filled with M&Ms while Christmas shopping at Target. Fall to floor in fetal position and wail.
DAY 15: Tell myself a little chocolate never hurt anybody.
DAY 16: There’s always next year.
She's A Maineiac 
I can totally relate. What a hoot! thanks for sharing!
Marilyn, I am very relieved my chocolate addiction is shared by you. As a matter of fact, while I am sitting here typing, I’m enjoying a whole wheat bagel slathered in Nutella and sliced strawberries. It is heaven! (At least I am eating a bit of fruit and whole wheat isn’t bad, right? so it’s a healthy snack?)
Hahahahahahahaha!! This is hilari – Wait. Hold on a second. Is there really a Ben & Jerry’s flavor called “Chocolate Up the Wazoo”? Please, tell me – were you jesting? I must know. Must know.
Darla, there are way too many funny parts to list. This was sheer brilliance! Interestingly enough, Joe is currently reading “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”, and he told me this morning that last night he read the part about Augustus Gloop falling into the chocolate river. Seriously. Funny coincidence.
This post is MAGNUNDERFUL!!! You know I relate to your suffering, too.
Hehehe! Thanks, Lenore. After your comment, I actually googled ‘Chocolate Up the Wazoo ice cream’ and found a chocolate ‘wazoo’ bar, but no such ice cream. Such a shame, isn’t it? I’d buy it!
That is too funny Joe was reading about the chocolate river. Coincidently, I dreamt I was swimming in one last night. Who am I kidding? I dream of that every single night.
A really fun post that made me laugh out loud – especially the line about the black forest yogurt. I’m married to a chocoholic and can totally relate.
Thanks, Paprika. That yogurt was pretty disgusting. I guess the picture of the slice of cake on the side is false advertising at its worst and I fell for it. You are lucky in that you are only married to a chocoholic. How do you do it? that is, go without chocolate? You are an inspiration.
Please don’t be so impressed. I do partake in the occasional piece of dark chocolate, but I can’t resist bread or cheese. It’s probably a good thing there aren’t two chocoholics in our house. Things might get ugly.
Ah, see I also have a problem with bread. I guess I’m a hopeless case. By the way, I just visited your blog and I absolutely love it! I love how you came up with your name, too.
You are HILARIOUS, Darla! As for the frogurt worst stuff EVER. Even I, queen supreme of lovers of Stonyfield Organic Yogurt, thinks they made a grave mistake offering a frozen confection that tastes like crap.
LONG LIVE THE CHOCOHOLICS!
Ha, I love that you are Queen Supreme! I will eat greek yogurt now (my husband got me hooked on it) But I will never ever fall for a yogurt with a slice of cake on the packaging ever again. Blech.
Darlianna, you must have climbed to the tippy, tippy top of the mountain and spoken with the Most High Dahli Guru to have acquired such epic wisdom at your young age. You speak truth to pain.
This is so beautifully written, I feel like I’m with you in the pantry, shoving chocolate chips into my mouth at top speed (wait a minute – is that half a sleeve of Girl Scout cookie Thin Mints peeking out from behind the 10-pound cans of kidney beans? I thought those were all gone. Yes! Score!)
I feel the satisfaction of great, huge gobs of creamy chocolate sliding down your throat, while the bitter dregs of self-promises made and broken fill your heart. Getting on my Fat Girl sweatpants in sympathy.
Pegolegicious, I think you WERE there with me in that pantry that day. Or at least a few minutes before me because I could have sworn I had hidden a secret stash of emergency dark chocolate Kit Kats next to the kidney beans (I put them inside an empty jar of pickled beets) You are one clever woman. Must get a better dead-bolt.
Speaking of sweatpants, this is my outfit of choice from now until January, when the chocolate madness stops. No, wait, I forgot about Valentine’s Day…oh and Easter, Mother’s Day…yeah, well I am wearing sweatpants forever I guess.
Dark chocolate is good for you. If I did NOT eat those Kit Kats I would be grossly neglecting my health. I also found your double-secret stash of DEFCON 1, Super Emergency Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. (buuuurp) Oh, and I think I left my bolt-cutters behind – could you hold onto those for me?
DEFCON 1! Love it, ha! You always make me laugh, Pegolegomyeggo!
They make dark chocolate Reese’s peanut butter cups, I just discovered this recently. So now I am healthy again!
OMG that was brilliantly hilarious! Or hilariously brilliant. In any case, more than well done. I used to feel your pain regarding sugar, soooooo much. (I’ll blog about why I say, used to.) As for your list of things you still haven’t done, don’t feel bad about not playing the violin. It’s too hard to learn as an adult. As for not marrying Sting, now that is definitely one thing to feel bad about! (What a babe! said in my best Austin Powers voice).
Why thank you, Sue. I’ll even take hilariously hilarious. I have cut down a little on sugar. Not as much as I know I should. But it’s a work in progress (a long-ass progress…)
I would LOVE to learn how to play the violin! You say it’s not that hard? I play piano so at least have that going for me…I’m going to ask for one for Christmas and see how fast I can make my entire family run away screaming, it’ll be awesome!
And, yeah, Sting: hubba hubba! rrrrrraohrrrrrrrrr
No, I said it’s TOO hard to learn to play violin as an adult. When I was in high school, I would play in local high school musical’s pit orchestras (violin). I remember this one guy who was in the pit and I could peg him as an adult learner, a mile away. It’s hard to develop the fluidity as an adult that you get when you learn as a child.
Unless, of course, you want to make your family run away screaming- LOL!
I was reading your comment while sipping coffee and I almost choked!
Oh! It’s TOO hard?! D’oh! Rats! Still, I can see myself trying to play Twinkle Twinkle and driving my husband to tears….mua ha ha!
I am a chocoholic too. Stoney Fields chocolate yogurt is pretty good and fills the choco cravings!
Cheers,
Louise
Hmm…seems this Stony Field yogurt is good, huh? I’ll give it a go. My husband bought me sugar-free chocolate pudding today. We’ll see if I can eat it without putting half of a cool-whip container on top…
Hee!
One of the things I’m not supposed to be having is chocolate. Normally this wouldn’t be such a problem for me, but being told I can’t have something is the single best way to make me want it. Bad.
I bought myself a little bag of Godiva chocolate caramels. I told myself I’d only have one a day. HAHAHA. Not making that mistake again!
And I, too, now find myself tantalized by the “fun size” candies in my company’s reception office. “There’s barely any chocolate on here. Surely this isn’t what they were talking about?!”
*cough*
And since you mentioned Survivor? Ba.D. promised he’s writing his post tonight! YEAH!
Ah, yes, I remember that you can’t have any, Deb. Grrr! I would die. Good lord, that’s like the time my doctor told me to cut down on migraines all I need to do is cut out: chocolate, red wine, and caffeine. Then he laughed and said, “But then, what would be the point of living?” My thoughts exactly. Sigh.
Jim can’t have chocolate either, but he actually has zero cravings for it, lucky guy.
Yeah, I’ve also made the mistake of buying a bag of candy thinking, oh, I’ll only have ONE a day. Yeah, right. I am in such denial.
I am sooooo excited Ba.D. is doing the Survivor post!! I’ve been waiting patiently for this, y’know 😀
I was sitting on the edge of the couch, until I hit #5, where I rolled off onto the floor in hysterical laughter. I feel your pain, girl. I just finished a mug of Ghirardelli double chocolate with peppermint creamer to celebrate. Cheers!
It is very painful, Patti! I almost can’t cope with the–(hold on, I need to take one more bite of this brownie…) Okay, yeah, (chewing loudly) it’s so painful I can’t even bear to–(uh, wait a sec…gotta wash it down with some chocolate milk…)
By the way, I have some Ghirardelli hot cocoa out in the kitchen right now and it’s calling me. Peppermint creamer you say? Great idea!
Ha! Oh you kill me, Darla! And may I just say, you look INCREDIBLE for 41! I’m still in a state of shock from reading that. You look like you’re in your 20s! So Twix-gorge away, I say, LOL
Last night I had a Reese’s pieces binge, and I don’t even like them that much (they’re NOTHING compared to pb cups…and the trees! Oh they’re the best!)! So I was cracking up when I read, “…find myself hiding in the pantry shoveling semi-sweet Ghirardelli chocolate chips…”
My New Year’s resolution is to have a proper calendar of birthdays and anniversaries, etc. I’ve been so bad about sending cards.
Thanks, Jules, that comment made my day! Especially since just yesterday I was dropping my daughter off at her preschool when one of the other mothers (who is about half my age) actually held the door open for me AND when I said ‘thank you” she said, “You’re welcome…MA’AM” Ma’am!!! Since when am I a Ma’am? I don’t think I want to be a Ma’am. On the inside, I certainly don’t feel like one…
And you are in your early 20s, right, Julie? So that means I could actually be your mom. AH! How’s that for a swift kick in the old lady butt! But I’ll just pretend that’s not true so I’ll feel better.
Y’know, I LOVE Reese’s pieces. My daughter and I can finish off an entire bag in a few hours. But yeah, PB cups are better, especially the bigger xmas tree-shaped ones.
LOL Had to drop back in with the hope that it might make you feel better that you definitely couldn’t be my mom! I’ll be 30 in April!!!
I hope you’ve given up this no-sweets insanity by now. 😉 And you are a “miss” (not a “ma’am”) all the way!
OH! Whew! Well you certainly don’t look like an almost-30 year old. I feel better now and I will go with Miss Darla anyday. Hope you have a very Merry Christmas, Jules!
Excuse me for intruding, but as something of an expert, I feel I must comment on the Reeses Pieces vs Cups vs Trees conundrum. I don’t get the allure of the pieces. You can barely taste the peanut butter, and I don’t even think there’s any chocolate in there. Sure, I’ll eat a whole bag if there’s nothing else in the house, but to my trained palate, the desire continuum goes something like this:
pieces———>cups———–>trees and other holiday-themed shapes
Y’know, after some more consideration: you are right, Peg. Might I even suggest that the mere shape of the PB cups influences the level of overall tastiness?
For example:
Halloween Pumpkins = FINE
Christmas Trees = VERY GOOD
but Easter Eggs= THE BOMB
Do they even make a heart shaped one? They must, right? If so, I am buying a truckload so I can compare those with the other shapes for further analysis…
Upon further reflection based on your further reflection, I have to agree. The eggs ARE da bomb. I think it has to do with the ratio of peanut butter to chocolate – ironically, the more peanutty goodness, the better.
It’s amazing that the Chocolate Scientific Community can come together on such things. Although Jules hasn’t weighted in yet…
Well done, Jules! Bravo!! The E.T. reference was brilliant.
Looking forward to trying the heart-shaped ones. They must be on the shelves already! (along with the Easter egg ones…)
weighed in..no t – sorry.
Allow me, ladies, to weigh in, but not actually weigh in, because I’ve had way too many “VERY GOOD” Reese’s trees this holiday season:
1.) They do make Reese’s peanut butter hearts. I know this like I know how to breathe.
2.) The eggs ARE the best, and yes, Peg, scientific studies have proven that it is absolutely the ratio of peanut butter to chocolate.
3.) Reese’s pieces are for E.T. and people who fear too much of a good thing.
Case closed.
Thank you so very much! Now I don’t have to shop for you guys for Christmas – I know EXACTLY what to get you. An IV bottle full of chocolate – that way you can claim that no sweets have passed your lips.
And one of my WW2 helmets for your husband.
And maybe some spoons, to replace those now imbedded in the wall – or your husband’s skull….. 😉
Now, to be fair, I didn’t throw those spoons using all of my strength…just enough to scare him properly, that is all.
Chocolate IV? Do they sell this on eBay? Can I get mine dark chocolate? With some coffee mixed in there so I’ll be set for the day?
I think there’s a dark chocolate/coffee version. I’ll see if they sell those by the case. 😉
And don’t be TOO hard on the guys who call you ma’am. It is a shortened and Anglicized version of the French words for “my Lady”, so they ARE trying to be civil and gallant. Okay, at least THIS goof is – the rest are on their own! 😀
Good evening, my lady. 🙂
You are too kind, John!
I hope you have truly given up this foolishness and will ring in the new year knowing that chocolate, my friend, is here to stay.
Sadly, I know you are absolutely right!
Hi,
Loved your post, simply hilarious. Whenever I bring chocolate home it never stays long enough in the fridge to get cold, hence I try to not buy any.
At the moment I have 2 HUGE boxes of chocolate in the fridge (summer here in OZ) these of course are for other people (Christmas Presents) let me tell you it isn’t easy opening the fridge and seeing them there. 😀
Mags, I would have to have my husband hide that chocolate in the freezer, maybe put it in an empty bag of brussels sprouts…
I feel a bit guilty for having no sweet tooth, none whatsoever. I can relate in that my partner has the craving and is in a state of distress now since cakes just aren’t the same in Thailand. I predict a crazed fiend once we get to the airport with their metre long Toblerone bars.
Joe, you are so lucky. I will never go to Thailand now either, thanks for the warning. Toblerone bars?! Those are evil evil evil!
Because of migraines and reflux I am supposed to forego any chocolate…and coffee….and red wine. I did switch to white and got a stronger prescription med…
K8edid- If I may be so forward, might I ask what you take for your migraines? I’ve tried several of the “triptan” family (sumitriptan and others), and all they did was make me ragingly nauseous. I currently use Vicodin – used to be 10mg pills, now down to 7.5mg pills.
Feel free to refuse, you won’t insult me. I’m too thick-headed (or stoned, depending on the time of day) to insult easily! 🙂
I know I’m not k8edid, but I’ve had some success with Frova, though that’s tricky for me because it’s really only effective if I take it before the head pain actually starts. I don’t have an aura other than a vague tingle of the Spidey sense, so often I don’t bother taking it because my head already hurts.
Speaking of which…:/
That’s a big problem with treating mine – totally asymptomatic. No aura, no aversion to bright lights or noise, just the blinding pain in one temple or the other. I’ve had MRIs, CT scans, X-rays, blood workups, you name it – nada. Hence having to treat the pain with an opiate AFTER the darn things start.
Good luck with yours, Limr. I hope yours go away soon!
I’ve used Imitrex in the past. That’s terrible it doesn’t work for you, John. Thankfully, I always have pretty obvious auras 15 minutes before the headache pain (zigzag lights, blind spot in eye) so if I can pop an Excedrin Migraine and it helps. I get nausea from the actual migraine though.
John, I take Imitrex, if I catch it in time. I have some unusual aura features (intensified sense of smell – very unpleasant). If I don’t get the medicine in time or a big enough dose, I will take vicodin, as well. I’ve battled them all my life (except for a period of time when I was prescribed Elavil – an antidepressant. I didn’t have a single migraine, but I also gained 30 pounds, never felt a single emotion, and never left the couch). I used to have 3-4 migraines a week. Now I have maybe half a dozen a year.
I also switched to white wine and I have to say it’s not bad. I also cut down my coffee to two cups a day.
You are a brave woman to attempt limiting your chocolate intake over the holidays. I have consumed my weight in brownies over the last two days. Is it any wonder I needed a can of Crisco and a shoe horn to get into my jeans today? One wrong move and I’m mooning the entire Northeast.
Your entire reply had me laughing! A can of Crisco you say? Good to know, good to know…I might have to try that after I consume the chocolate cheesecake I’m making for Christmas Eve next week. Or wear sweatpants.
So glad you’re back Darla! This made me laugh at the end of a hard day, and that felt really nice 🙂 I totally relate to the sugar withdrawal, except I get it with the savory treats. I do really enjoy chocolate and I do eat a little bit every day, but once I’m done with my square of dark chocolate around mid-morning, I’m pretty much done with chocolate for the day. But it’s a fight (one which I often lose!) to keep away from popcorn or nuts or chips. Anything salty and crunchy and I’m all over it like white on rice. Mmmm, Rice Krispies….
I am so happy this made you laugh after a hard day. That’s the best compliment, thank you! I’ve had loads of days like that lately. Sigh.
Salty stuff is something I crave as well. Now put sugar and salt together (chocolate covered pretzels) and I am a goner. Rice Krispies? I haven’t made those in years! I’ll have to whip some up over the long xmas break.
Darla! this is simply outstanding piece of writing. You have a mind of genius. If someone ‘ll ask me, which part of this post made me laugh the most? Then to answer it, I’ve to right a whole post mentioning all these lines. I am not a chocolate lover at all; i may say, i hate it. But after reading this one, i just want to go and have one.
I started laughing as soon as i read,” We need to reorganize our closet! Start jogging! Stop eating! Quit drinking! …” Because every year, i find three things very common in everyone of my friends (including me) new year resolution list; “Quit Smoking! or/and Quit Drinking! Be Polite! Stay committed!” But as you have said, there is always next year. 🙂
And yes, little chocolate never hurts anybody…. . I hope they are giving you the fun and sweetness to write such a brilliant post. But 73 + chocolates are n’t too much? 🙂 I know your answer to this one 🙂 Thanks for the laugh!
Oh, thanks so much, Arindam. I can’t believe you hate chocolate. (gasp!) My husband does, too. I’m not sure what planet you guys are from, but I will never understand how you can not like it. Must be nice!
As for resolutions, the Quit smoking one is easy for me as I have never done it before. It’s the Lose Weight one I have the most problems with…seems I’m going in the opposite direction lately…
Darla your husband must be a Gemini-an, just like me that’s why he does n’t like chocolates. 🙂 I just read my comment and realize that instead of write i wrote right in it. And all this happened only due to you, you made me laugh so much that i could n’t realize what i was writing. 🙂
I’ve given up enough in my lifetime. Drinking to excess, driving fast, eating entire packages of Oreo cookies, sleeping at work – they all fell under the spell of moderation and deprivation. Though sacrifice is a noble and ennobling thing, damn if I’ll forgo chocolate for any reason.
This was one awesomely hilarious post! I see your struggle but encourage reason here – the chocolate isn’t bad for you. The bouts of craving between indulgences are.
Absolutely agree, SDS. I think I can manage to eat it here and there. My sugar indulgence may have something to do with the weather change every fall, it’s dark and cold and I turn to comfort food. Hopefully once the days get longer I can get more exercise and eat less crap.
I’m only now getting a chance to read this. Favorite part:
I burst into sobs and yell, “FINE! I had 73! You happy now?!” and run away to hide in my closet to finish off the rest of the bag in peace.
I think you might be my sister from another mister.
You too, huh? Poor Hot Joe! My husband should never stand between me and my chocolate stash.
I am pretty sure intense choco-holism is in the genes. My one and a half year old has the most dramatic love of chocolate I have ever seen. I am amazed at your bravery to attempt giving up chocolate at this time of year- it’s like trying to quit drinking on Saint Patrick’s Day, if St. Pat’s day were a couple months long. Glad it resulted in this blog post though! -kate
Kate, you are absolutely correct. My five year old daughter is obsessed with chocolate. Even more so than I am. My son hates it (and so does my husband). I feel bad I passed this gene down to my daughter. She has no chance. And I don’t know what I was thinking giving up sugar at this time of year, at least I’ve already failed so I can go back to my old ways before the holidays are over.
I love this post. You are a very engaging writer! As for me, I can give up all sweets with only a little craving but cannot and will not give up my chocolate. I am blessed that I am able to get along with just the “one square” of medicinal Dr Oz sized portion a day. Until my husband comes home with the ice cream, and makes brownies, and the neighbor brings over her Christmas cookies, and I get the urge to cook for the holidays….
Thank you, ccornell. I laughed at your phrase, ‘medicinial Dr. Oz sized portion a day’! This is what my goal is, to only have a little bit of chocolate a day. I think I can give up the pie,cake and cookies (after the holidays are over anyway)
How can someone so brilliant and funny and talented not know enough to hide the candy bar wrappers? And don’t listen to Dr. Oz. That guy is a little too sure about everything.
Great post, Darla.
Yeah, if doctors are so smart why do they “practice” medicine for their entire careers?
Yeah! If I wanted to, I could buy myself a pair of cutesy scrubs down at Walmart and prance around in them telling everyone chocolate is good for them. I’m almost as qualified as Dr. Oz.
Um….yeah. Good point. I think after that first heavenly bite of chocolate, my brain completely shut down, Charles. That has to be it.
Fantastic post, Darla. I wish we could cast votes for Freshly Pressed. I laughed through all of this and I loved the build toward the end.
I used to be a major sweet binger and somehow I’m not after having babies. Totally changed my hormonal chemistry. I love the eating chocolate chips over the garbage can. I think most women have been there.
Yes, Freshly Pressed–thanks, Angie. That would be a great Christmas present, maybe you can send WordPress a little note?
You are lucky. I changed plenty too after having babies, but it only made my sweet tooth stronger. I craved chocolate shakes and lemonade with my son and strawberries with my daughter.
I’d like to remind myself that a little indulgence never did anyone any harm. Chocolate has the best ever anti-oxidants, did you know? Imagine all the amount you had when you ate 73 little Twixes! And a little more in the pantry. Cool it, Dr. Oz has no sense of style. Or health.
I like the way you think, Priya. Yeah, it’s good for me, so there, Dr. Oz!
Oh, I am laughing but the kind of laugh that sounds like desperate crying. I had to quit smoking in what I like to call a RAPID FIRE FROZEN TURKEY manner when I got sick a few weeks ago. The man in front of me in the supermarket line was a little dumbfounded when I got a whiff of his tobacco-ed clothes and tried to sniff his neck 🙂
I can imagine that was hard for you! After reading your post, I hope you are finally on the road to recovery. Feel better real soon!
Wonderful post! Nutella, peanut butter and bananas on toast – the breakfast of champions and it covers off just about all the food groups!
It certainly does, Margie. Much better than the morning I snuck a few peanut butter cups out of the pantry…(I was trying to reduce my kids’ Halloween stash, that was all, I swear!)
I squeaked when I read the part about giving up sweets the day after Thanksgiving. I went on the South Beach diet once and thought that first two weeks of sugar abstinence was a Gitmo torture technique.
You’re a funny woman, which no doubt will console you Christmas morn while all around you, family members will dump Almond Roca out of their Christmas Stockings and you’re throwing that toe fodder….Satsuma tangerines at them.
Good luck. I’m rootin’ for ya, gal!!
South Beach diet? You are a brave brave woman, Barb! What is it about Thanksgiving that brings out the self-torture in me? Maybe it’s because I spent the entire day gorging nonstop on nothing but comfort food (also lots of junk food) I should put a clementine in my kids’ stockings like my parents used to do with me. They’d freak wondering why Santa is so mean.
Our local gym is bulging over in capacity in January and they are running specials in February due to the lack of committed exercisers. I’m with you and the pressure of the blank slate and the expectations. Will eat chocolate with you happily. Merry Christmas.
The only good thing is I’ve started exercising again already so maybe that will even things out a bit with all my chocolate consumption. Merry Christmas to you!
Darla!!! You have topped yourself with this post. And I didn’t think you could get any funnier (as you are the funniest blogger I know. Wait. That was supposed to be a compliment).
I tried to search out the phrases that made me laugh out loud, so I could let you know, but there were too darn many. This one, however, was hilarious, “Huge craving strikes out of blue. The shakes start. I go into a trance.” I can relate. And how dare your daughter eat her chocolate Santa right in front of you? And the Reese’s peanut butter trees? That’s not even fair.
Many a day/afternoon/evening has gone by when I start shivering, feel the backs of my eyes light up and look down to see a pile of wrappers. Oops. Too much. But once I start in on the chocolate, it’s impossible to stop. Your post is so much like my own life, it’s scary. One time in college I was typing up a paper, and I had a box of Kudos on the desk next to me. Have I told you this before? Anyway, I ate a bar, typed away, and reached my hand into the box for a second Kudos bar, but the box was empty. I swear I don’t even remember eating… the… entire… box.
And those Dove chocolates? You must have had those. The little ones that come with a special message printed on the inside of the wrapper? They make me so happy. In fact, one time when I was being a tad “fussy,” my husband got out the bag and started rubbing it on my back. Like it was a salve. I love him. And I love chocolate. And now thanks to the science quotient in your post, I see those two are related!
Great post.
ha! I was JUST replying on your post about your kids. Excellent, by the way, it moved me to tears.
Your Kudos story is classic…something I would do for sure! And those Dove bars?? Do I know them?! Well, would you believe me if I told you that once I ate almost an entire bag just to see what those special little sayings were going to tell me? Those darn chocolate manufacturers really know how to lure me in. And it was pure evil when I got to the one of the last pieces and the message read: Keep going! Eat more! You can do it!
I hope you and your sweet family have the Merriest of Christmases!
Thank you, Darla! And yes. I absolutely believe you when you say you ate the entire bag. 🙂 Been there. At least the sayings on the Dove chocolates are sweet.
But there was another sayings-wrapped chocolate I had recently… started with a “B,” I can’t remember the name. But the sayings were terrifying! The chocolate was European, I think, with the sayings written in five different languages. And I swear, they sounded something like this, “A poor person must suffer without love,” and “Beware the day your dreams fade.”
I don’t know if something was lost in translation? Or maybe I got a trick box. I just tried to look it up, couldn’t find it, but did find this project you can do for your family for Christmas: http://www.marthastewart.com/267225/chocolate-wrapper 😉
PS — I hope you know that link was a joke! 🙂
The European chocolate is interesting…just what I need– scary sayings while eating my chocolate. I have enough guilt as it is!
Love the Martha Stewart link too. The stuff she dreams up. (shaking head)
Please pick up a peppermint candy from my virtual candy cane jar at my site. There’s a surprise waiting for you.
Georgette, just want to say again that you’ve made my week. It’s been a stressful time lately and you really brought a smile to my face. Thank you!
Here’s what I’ve discovered about myself by going on a sugar detox: I’m a sugar junkie. All that work, and I learned nothing new. Damn! Now, I need some chocolate!
Sounds like my experience!
Re sugar: so with you. Re chocolate: falling in love is one thing, but chocolate is dependable. I use it for migraines. Even if my head still hurts, I don’t care.
I laughed so hard I cried! Loving chocolate and sweets is probably just the human condition, but boy do we torture ourselves, bargain with ourselves, and berate ourselves for indulging! I have a hard time keeping chocolate chips for the cookies I make for my kids’ school lunches in the house. Why? Just follow the trail of chips around the house and they end up wherever my kids have been (in their bedrooms, the family room, the living room, the bathroom!) And if they get to eat some, then so do I! I’ve tried hiding the chocolate chips, and that works until I make cookies and forget to hide them again! Oh well….I just saw my oldest son surreptitiously eat a marshmallow out of the corner of my eye….he’s trying to look all innocent….I wonder if there will be any marshmallows left for the next bonfire? Better grab another bag next time I’m at the store!
Can’t wait to read another post!
Oh, those chocolate chips are my safety stash for when I’m completely out of everything else chocolate. I will sneak a few here and there and really, we all know it doesn’t count because they’re so tiny. Sure, I may have eaten 500 or so, but really, who’s counting?
Not me! I promise. And just the thought of all the stuff I had to prepare for work last night so I could function at work today made two small handfuls a dire necessity!