Jill of All Trades, Master of Thighs

Every step I took was sheer agony. I slowly shuffled across the living room floor, hunched over like Quasimodo,  dragging my achy body for what seemed like miles. The pain was cruel, severe and blinding; it ripped through my calf muscles and tore up my thighs, shredding every pathetic fiber to bits in its wake.

I just had to make it. I can do this! Just take it one step at a time. If only I could somehow slide across the floor, the excrutiating jolts of pain might deaden slightly so I could catch my breath. Step, shuffle, slide. Step. (moan) Shuffle. (moan louder) Sliiiiide. Almost. (ugh) There.

Whew! I was there! I had made it to the couch. The sweet haven of soft pillows beckoned. Oh thank you, God! I wiped my brow and sighed.

Then I had to sit down.

This proved to be a bit more tricky. So I began the process, oh so gingerly. I gripped the edge of the coffee table and began to lower my body ever so sloooooowly. The constant ache from my thighs suddenly shot up to my butt, activating pain receptors I never knew existed. Sweat beaded on my forehead as I held my breath, closing my eyes and moaning again. I willed myself through the raw agony of a wall of pain.

“Ooh! Gah! AHHH!” I was startled by the pathetic sounds I heard escaping my lips as I hovered mere inches above the couch cushion. I clenched my jaw and lowered myself some more. Just a little bit…more… Then…touchdown!

Ah!!! Yes!!! There!!!

I was sitting down on the couch! Hallelujah! I gasped for air. I had made it! I panted, grinning gleefully.  See, nothing to it, really. No biggie. Now I could relax and watch a little TV while I waited for the Advil to finally kick in. I glanced around for the remote.

It was clear across the room sitting on the TV stand.

Oh, crap.

I began to weep.

“Honey?” my husband’s voice drifted in from the kitchen. “Are you OK?”

“Oh yeah!” my voice shook through clenched teeth. “I’m fine! Just peachy! Never better!”

How could I admit what I had done? That I had purposefully inflicted such pain? How could I confess to him that I had willingly done this to myself, and will now be forced to suffer the consequences? How could I tell him the stark truth?

I had broken my ass.

Now you might be thinking, how could this be, Darla? How could this happen to you? You broke your ass? You mean, your actual ass? Is that even possible?

Well, my butt muscles and I are all here to say, yes, it is quite possible.

How?  I will sum it up with two words: Jillian Michaels.

It all started when Santa left me her latest ’30 Day Shred’ DVD in my stocking. At first I thought it was some cruel joke. Sure, I’ve complained many times about my thunder thighs to my husband. And, okay, so I am currently working on a PhD thesis entitled: ‘Infinitely Expanding Thighs and Their Relativity to Consuming Copious Amounts of Chocolate’

But Jillian Michaels? What the hell does she know?

According to her DVD cover, she promises ‘three complete 20 minute workouts which progress from level of intensity’ and ‘in no time you’ll achieve a lean, shredded body.’ Psssbht. Shredded? Mmkay. In no time? Sure. I’m game. Sign me up, Jilly! How hard can this be?

I put on my yoga pants (who am I kidding, I was already wearing them as I’ve gained so much weight since Halloween, I live in them now). I cleared out the living room of all dangerous furniture, and sent the kids and hubby outside to freeze. It was ‘go time’, baby.  I was going to shred these thighs to oblivion through sheer willpower, blood, sweat and (mostly) tears.

I should probably point out at this time that I am not athletic. I am not coordinated. I am not ‘in shape’. However, I am a klutz. And, according to my chiropractor, I am also pretty lopsided, what with one leg being almost two inches shorter than the other. All of this translates to: Not a good exercizer. But my thighs were crying out for help. So I pressed on with Jillian. If anyone could help them, she could.

So I was chugging along, five minutes into the warmup. I felt the heat rising on my neck. I felt the sweat pouring. I felt my heart racing and bordering on exploding inside my chest. At one point I thought the blood vessel on my forehead was throbbing in time to the music. I ignored it. Jillian said this would take no time at all, didn’t she? Why is every second an eternity then, huh, Jillian? I huffed and puffed and then, I did the unthinkable.

I am about to tell you something extremely important to your health and well-being. Pay close attention. This may be the single most valuable piece of information you will ever come across in your entire life.

Never, ever, under any circumstances:

Do a squat.

Especially three sets of 20. In rapid succession. Holding 5 pound dumbbells.

Just turn the TV off and walk away. Unless you want to be like me. Still in agony three days later. Three days! Of course, if you desire the feeling of near-constant pain in your thighs and butt area and you also have plenty of money to burn through a dozen bottles of Advil and three tubes of Ben Gay, then by all means! Do a squat! I dare you!

I, for one, am quite happy with my thunder thighs.

Until next week, when the pain subsides and I try it again.

Uh oh. I seem to be stuck. If I could...just...sit...down...again, everything would be all right...(photo: about.com)
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68 thoughts on “Jill of All Trades, Master of Thighs

  1. Hahahahahahahaha! Darla, this is hysterical! Oh my stars, the tags you used even cracked me up. “broken ass, quasimodo, …” But seriously, you received a workout video for Christmas? Isn’t there a law against such a thing?
    For an unmotivated writer, you created a masterpiece!

    1. Lenore, I have been in utter agony these past few days! The pain is mind-numbing! I swear to you, I haven’t felt this much pain since childbirth. Today, as I was popping another advil, and complaining, my husband told me to go blog about it. And voila! It all just came out in a torrent of hatred for Jillian. who knew? In the meantime, my thighs and butt are screaming still, three days later!

      I got that video because, stupid stupid me, I actually ASKED for one! Can ya believe that??!!

      1. JillianMichaels is a swear word in my house; she’s been forcibly evicted, never to return.

        I feel your pain 🙂

        I did the 28 day shred for 14 … OMG never felt such pain. Finally gave up when my shins crumbled. The woman should be put in service …. as a secret weapon for our army!!!!!!

        MJ

      2. Exactly, MJ! She is ruthless. She scares me a little (ok, a lot) I can only imagine the shape my thighs would be in if I actually followed her workouts for a month. But I will probably never find out…sigh…as I’m still having trouble walking.

  2. Even if you asked for it, who, for the sweet love of the Baby Jesus, would be dumb enough to actually GET this for you? Your hubby? It’s like answering truthfully when asked “do I look fat in this?”

    THis sounds like a fiendishly clever diet plan, though. Since you can’t move, you can’t get up and go to the pantry to filch PB cups – brilliant!

    Hope your Ham Hocksius Maximus are feeling better soon, poor baby.

    1. Ha! Yes, this is why I asked for it! To give my husband a little credit, I specifically asked for a new exercise DVD and he went out and bought it at Target, along with a new yoga mat. Maybe he’s trained enough to get what I ask for after 12 years of marriage? But I think I’ll stick with yoga the rest of the week (and make him bring me more PB cups while I veg on the couch…)

  3. Hi,
    My goodness you must have done some really good squats to get into so much trouble, sorry I couldn’t help but laugh. 🙂
    I really do hope your pain goes away soon and if you are going to try this again, maybe no dumbbells to start off, and gently get into a squat.

    1. If I ever try it again, Mags, there will be no dumbbells, no more than a few repetitions and only ONE set. And I will go slowly, not super fast like the speed alone will make my thighs disappear instantly…

  4. Hilarious, Darla! I don’t know you outside of the blogosphere, but I hope you’re this exact person. Otherwise I’d feel weird about the fact that I sometimes pretend that in real life we sit and have coffee and yap about our woes, which include squats and broken asses. Maybe I should still feel weird about that.

    I think the last time I exercised was the first time I did a squat.

    1. Thank you, lostnchina! I am happy to know you ‘almost’ feel my pain because trust me, you’d be in tears right now if you only knew what it feels like. Just sitting down at this computer and responding to comments is painful for me right now…oh, the things I’ll do for my precious blog. 😉

  5. For some odd, convoluted reason, this post makes me want to go exercise again! I’ve been dieting but have yet to work out… Yes, I sure do remember those times when it took 5 or 6 days to recover from an overly ambitious routine. Which of course means you may be laid up for a couple more days…

    Just keep that TV remote in a holster on your belt. And shoot anyone who tries to take it away. You can’t be loosing that thing, now!

    1. Noooo….don’t do it, Spectra, unless you ease into things. Just diet. That’s what I’m going to try (and fail at) this week. I am holding off on any exercising until I can get the feeling back in my butt. (I was just sitting on a bag of frozen peas…) And I will either keep my remote of the other ‘channel-changer’ (my husband) close by me at all times, great advice!

  6. My butt is hurting with sympathy pain. Thanks a lot! But seriously, I’m laughing so hard that I had to explain to my hubby what I was laughing about. I hate to laugh at your misery, but you’re such a damned funny writer!! My only advice is alternate ice and heat and use the DVD as a frisbee.

    1. Wait a second, I made you laugh?! This wasn’t supposed to be funny! It’s serious! My ass is broken! Have you no sympathy?! Have you no concern?!

      Great advice–I used frozen peas today and a heating pad and that DVD?–well, I decided to crush it to pieces with my newly shredded thighs and buns of steel…great workout!

    1. Ha! I just spit out my coffee on this one, Kim!

      I know…we’ll both chase her, one of us is bound to knock her down, then I can sit on her and crush her with my flabby thighs and ass, it’ll be poetic justice!

  7. Darla, Darla, Darla.

    The problem isn’t you. The problem isn’t the video. The problem is you’re not supposed to start your New Years Resolutions until THE NEW YEAR — so Sunday at best.

    Then you can break your ass.

    You gotta do it in order!

    1. Oh man, this comment is hysterical, Elyse!

      See, you are the voice of reason here, thank you. The order is crucial. Everyone knows you have to wait for the big ball drop, THEN break your ass! (there’s a sentence I never thought I’d type out…)

  8. Broken asses-are they better than broken New Year’s resolutions? I say-NOT. Make ‘n’ break ’em , girl! Love your thighs, just as they are, embrace them! Broken asses to the wind, damn it! (Whew! That’s more swear words than I’ve used in, well, maybe ever-darn it, I mean damn it, feels good.) Now rest up, grab some chocolate, and use the DVD as a plate. 🙂

  9. You poor woman! I’ve done this, but it wasn’t Jillian (the devil, as far as I’m concerned) but a yoga/pilates class. Five kids in 10 years with absolutely no exercise at all, but I was going to put my leg over my head, damn it. Oh. My. God.

    Shame on your hubby for getting you this video. Christmas is supposed to be a season of good will. Feel better!

    1. Thank you! Yes, the devil! Exactly!

      Now when you put your leg over your head I certainly hope there was someone close by with enough medical training to help you untwist yourself and perform CPR? That is what I would have needed.

      My husband feels bad. He said he just grabbed the first DVD he saw (like a typical man…)

  10. 🙂 LOL !!
    Darla i am going to echo what Lenore said. I never ever read a post with a tag broken ass. Few days earlier Charles wrote a post with tag, death; which was also really funny. You people are really awesome. You can make fun with any tag.
    Get well soon so that you can give it one more try. 🙂

  11. DO NOT TOUCH LEVEL 3!!!! This is crucial. In my attempt to get “shredded” I over shot my physical capabilities and jumped to Level 3. There are squats…that you have to JUMP out of. Tom woke up the first morning I tried it and rushed into the living room. He thought I’d been attacked.

    1. Damn! You’re right, Bryon. No false advertising there.

      You mean to tell me there ISN’T an exercise program out there that’s easy? You mean I have to ‘work’ to see actual results? Well, that does it. No more exercising for this lazy broken-ass. I am D.O.N.E.

  12. Omg, how funny! I just started the 30 Day Shred, too, after seeing a mom’s belly on Pinterest reduced from poochy and pudgy with stretch marks to just a little mushy with stretch marks. That was good advertising for me 🙂 Doable, I thought, but I was totally sore, too! It’s a little embarrassing, but now I feel better. Thanks, Darla! Btw, I haven’t done the 30 days, I do one workout every few days, with a week off here or there 🙂 So, I’m still only at about Day 6 although I started over 30 days ago! Hope you have a great new year! And enjoy your new thighs.

    1. You mean it doesn’t get rid of stretch marks? Well, then why am I even bothering?

      Good for you, seriously. I might go back to it next week when hopefully the constant ache will have disappeared. Guess that means it actually works, huh? I suppose Jillian’s successful for a reason…

  13. I’m also wearing my yoga pants because nothing fits me. Thank you for explaining why I shouldn’t try a fitness CD – especially those with squats. Can you also explain why I had to get up for a piece of chocolate while reading this?

  14. I wasn’t laughing, Darla. My FREE ten-minute-cardio experience was too recent in memory. If the squats don’t get you the lunges will! I was certain I had pulled every muscle and ligament loose from my hips to my knees for a couple of days. Next time, I’ll do some warm-up exercises first! Hope you’re feeling better.

  15. Shredded? Really? Did I miss another meeting? Shredded is a good thing? It sounds like one step away from wood chipper.

    I hope you’re feeling better, Darla. And I’m glad the pain has taken nothing away from your incredible writing abilities. (Did you type this post standing up?)

    1. Bwah! ha ha! I should never be drinking any beverage when I read your comments, Charles. Dangerous for my keyboard. Wood chippah, indeed.

      And, yes, thank you for asking, I did write this post standing up. The lengths I will go to to bring my broken-ass stories to the masses!

  16. Squats are what the devil invented to fill us with new levels of shame. Fight the good fight, Darla (and by that I mean burn that video and go see if they’re still selling Reese’s trees).

  17. Pingback: I Broke My Ass (part 2) « She's a Maineiac

  18. Oh, I have that video, Leonore. Dare I say it…? It’ll get easier if you keep doing it i swear i’ve done it too and it really really will get better Sorry, sorry! But I kinda, uh, sorta, *coughcough* lovethatvideo.

    1. There’s supposed to be a cutesy little fake HTML commands up there: rushedwhisper right before “It’ll get easier” and /rushedwhisper after “…better.” So much for my lame joke!

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