2012 is starting off with a bang for me. I am already having a midlife crisis and it’s only 9 am January 1st. But if I think back over my life, I’ve noticed I’ve had dozens of so-called ‘midlife crises’. Starting when I was around five years old.
I was happily sitting in a sandbox, wearing pigtails, thick tortoise-shell glasses and a sweater with a rainbow on it that my mom had knitted me. A little girl with red hair looked at me, yelled out, “Four-eyes!” and threw a fistfull of sand straight into my eyes. I remember thinking, “What is wrong with this world? Is this all there is?”
Then at age 10: There I am, rollerskating down the road, my hot pink and green ribbon barrettes blowing in the breeze. I noticed a boy I liked was at the bottom of the hill on his bike, watching me. I gained speed, trying to impress him. I tried to slow down, picturing myself coming to a graceful stop at his feet. But I only went faster, the metal wheels of my roller skates shooting sparks in every direction. The boy I secretly pined for became a blur as I zoomed by, only to wobble and fall in a spectacular crash the local kids would talk about for years afterward. I remember laying in the street, bleeding and thinking, “What is wrong with this world? Is this all there is?”
Age 15: Bought a pair of suede boots with heels for the big dance on Friday night. Saved all of my money from my weekend pharmacy job stocking shelves. Hid them in my backpack so I could safely wear my sneakers for my long morning walk to school across a snowy field. Eagerly put them on in homeroom to try them out. Slowly walked down the hall and spotted a group of boys by the lockers. Held my breath as I walked by them. Felt my foot sliding underneath the other one. Fell down in a spectacular crash the boys would talk about for years afterward. As I lay there, clutching my boots, the bell rang. I was late for Algebra. I thought, “Is this all there is?”
Age 20: In college. No trace of a midlife crisis to be found!
Age 30: Wishing I was back in college.
Age 40: Wishing I was 30.
Age 41: Realizing I have crossed that halfway mark to the average woman’s expected lifespan. Must stop having midlife crises every few days. But how? Think positive. Concentrate on things I can actually accomplish.
Resolutions for the Slacker in Me:
I vow to do something crazy this year, like get a tattoo of my kids’ names in Chinese on my ankle. But I’m not good with pain so instead I’ll settle for a rough scrawl of a smiley face done by my daughter in a Sharpie on my forearm.
I vow to maintain my weight. Not lose or gain. Just stay even. This might prove to be my biggest challenge yet.
I vow to not raise my voice, ever. After my kids say, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” a few hundred times in ten minutes, (think Stewie on Family Guy) I will turn to look at them, sigh, slowly fold my hands together and sweetly ask, “Yes? How may I help you?” instead of “WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAAAAAAT???”
I vow to only roll my eyes at my husband 10 times a day instead of the usual 50.
I vow to wake up every morning and breathe
I vow to always take life by the horns and take advantage of those glorious moments where there is nothing left to do but take a nap.
I vow to end these vows before I start annoying all of you.
Happy 2012!
She's A Maineiac 
Just FYI, it’s “crises” (pleural for crisis). Happy New Year!
Duly noted and edited. I looked at the word for the longest time and had no idea why it looked so strange…
Love it. I, also, started having midlife crises around age five. It had something to do with Raggedy Ann, fake pigtails, and smearing white stage makup all over myself.
So many times I’ve looked back over my life and noticed those moments where I questioned my existence and purpose in life. The playground was the start of it I suppose.
Happy New Year! 41 is the new 21!
Have a great 2012!
Cheers,
Louise
Cheer to you, Louise!
My oldest sister tells us that when she turned 10, she thought that she was old because “once you hit double digits, it’s all downhill.”
I prefer to avoid the plural of crisis and just call them my ‘episodes of existential ennui’. Which is different from ‘post-modern malaise’, of course. 😉
I’m still 40 for another 2.5 months. I actually enjoyed turning 40 (even had me a big par-tay!) but 41 seems different. It’s not so bad is it? Is it? Tell me you were just foolin’ about 41. Please?
Have a wonderful 2012!
Y’know, I just re-read my post and I don’t know if they were midlife crises as much as just huge bummers that occured because of my klutziness. Either way, I always find myself questioning why I am the way I am and how can I change for the better.
In all honesty, 41 is fabulous. Suddenly, I am learning to let things go, throw caution to the wind and live in the moment. Now more than ever I realize my life is short and going at warp speed. Time to enjoy it a little!
From now on, it’s “episodes of existential ennui” for me. Ursula Le Guin called fatigue, malaise, and ennui “the French diseases of the soul.” Don’t know which book, but after reading it, I felt I had permission to call in sick on days of existential angst.
Maybe they are not “midlife” crises, but “Middle of Life” crises — because you’re always in the middle of your own life.
Damn I am profound. Or else just old.
You are profound, Elyse!
Hi,
I think I have passed the midlife crises. 😀
Loved the video.
Have a great 2012.
Me too, Mags. FINALLY. I’m done with them. 😉
Loved this. Love your writing. Just absolutely adore it. You better write a book girl. I mean it. You are seriously hilarious. If that’s even possible.
I think I discovered my problem today. I was too damn cheerful all of December. It’s like a huge mental sugar crash. That’s where I am now. This is not the doldrums after all. I’m just trying to re-establish equilibrium. I’ll know next year to hold off on all that sappy sh$# that I spewed for almost an entire month on my blog.
Thank you so much for that comment! Truly, that would be a dream of mine. Maybe this is the year I will finally do it and write that book. Well, finish that book. I’ve already started one. Just can’t seem to keep at it.
As for your mental crash, I hear you there, too. Sometimes I just want off the roller coaster for a bit, y’know? Whether you decide to spew more shappy shit or not, I’ll be there to enjoy reading it.
…uh…did I just type out ‘shappy shit’? Well, that is a new word! See, I’m doing all sorts of new things this year already.
Good luck with those resolutions. I have to say that thinking about anything as profound as you did at those young ages (causing your crises), never entered my consciousness. I was always wishing for my knight in shining armour to come riding in and carry me away from all the insanity.
Love the video and the bit about the kids. When my son was about 5, he figured out that if calling mom, mom, mom repeated got him nothing, he’d try yelling Sue! That worked.
Oh no, I also wished a knight in shining armour would rescue me!
Isn’t that video hysterical? I always laugh when I see it. That look on the mom’s face is a look I know all too well.
I vow to always take life by the horns and take advantage of those glorious moments where there is nothing left to do but take a nap.
This is something I should follow suit on. These days, I tend to wonder, “What else should I be doing than resting? That’s not productive!” even though I know full well that it is. The downtime makes it so much easier to be “up” during the uptime.
Happy new year, and much luck!
Exactly, Deb. I don’t think I’ve taken a nap in years and years. I think we all should every day, for at least 10 minutes. A nap, some milk and cookies and then we can face the day again, refreshed. Every day just blows by way too fast now because I am on the go constantly doing something. time to slow down!
You are off to an awesome start, Ms. Darla. You’ve already cracked me up, and it is only the 1st of the year. I’m thinking this thing called a ‘mid-life’ crisis agrees with the writer in you. (smile)
And yes – resign to nap when nothing else is calling. (Put cotton in your ears to muffle the calls.)
Good call on the cotton! I’ll have to try that…
Nothing like a few early-life crashes to give perspective to the bumps that come later. Good one!
Bella, my life is full of ‘crashes’ and crises. I’m learning to just roll with it finally!
I like your resolutions. I think I might adopt a few of those to feel like I’ve accomplished something. Breathing, napping, oh yeah, I can DO this! Thanks for the laughs, Darla.
Breathing, napping, occasionally eating…see, these are things I have a strong feeling I can succeed at.
The video had played for 35 seconds exactly, when one of my dogs (who’s snuggling next to me) woke up with a start and began to shout back at the boy. A woof for every Mum! Mummy! Mamma! Mom!
God. What is wrong with this world? Is this all there is?
Hope all your resolutions come true to your satisfaction. Magically.*
* I secretly wish this for myself.
Sorry I’ve managed to wake up your dog, Priya! Of course, they do say dogs can be like children sometimes. It’s good practice for the day you have kids.
OMG I ALMOST CRIED FROM LAUGHING SO HARD!!!!! I have seen the clip before but every time I do, I laugh my butt off. “I will turn to look at them, sigh, slowly fold my hands together and sweetly ask, “Yes? How may I help you?” instead of “WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAAAAAAT???””
…Yeah, I will not make that vow. Part of me loves that feeling that the yelling retort gives. Anyhow, good luck with all those resolutions. I am gonna have to stick to the safety of “none”.
I know, that clip is hysterical. It basically sums up what it’s like to be a mom for me. I laugh every time I see it. Your resolution of ‘none’ is PERFECT. I’ll try that next year.
Happy New Year, Darla! I love hearing about these embarrassing moments/mid-life crises, not because I’m laughing at you, but because I am soooo laughing WITH you! (Which probably means my New Year’s Resolution every year should be: Don’t ever, ever try to look cool, because you WILL fall on your butt. ;))
I adore your writing, and can’t wait for more of your 2012 posts!
Yes, laugh away, Jules! I don’t mind a bit. I laugh at myself more than is necessary probably…
And yes, the moral of my pathetic stories is: never try to look cool because I never will be! Embrace the klutzy geek inside!
Thanks so much for your comments and for always being so positive on my blog, I appreciate it. Happy New Year to you as well!!
I’ve had the same experience of frequent mid-life crises starting at childhood. I’d hoped these would minimize an actual mid-life crisis, but instead it just got me well practiced.
Yeah, if there’s one thing I succeed at, it’s having endless midlife crises and living to tell about them.
I vow to laugh more, in the same way as I’m doing now, reading your blog! 😀 Happy New Year!
Darla,
I think I found some awards that you have NOT received. At least I gave it a good shot:
I just finished posting a piece where I nominated you for some awards. Can you even stand it — you will have to read it to see what it is! http://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2012/01/02/the-envelope-please-part-ii/
Happy New Year!
You nailed it. Someone at a Christmas party asked me about my hobbies and I told them it was napping. They thought I was being funny.
I enjoy your resolutions, but couldn’t watch the video. I change channel each time it comes on the TV. Kids think it’s hilarious. HA HA…I’m laughing all the way to my sofa, blanket, and ear plugs.
Barb, I’m at the age now where I am usually dead serious, but everyone around me thinks I’m kidding.
I don’t blame you for not watching the video, it grates on the nerves pretty quick (like the actual MOM, MAMA MAMA I hear all day sometimes!)
oh what a great way to start the new year. I always enjoy your posts Darla but this one was *perfect* and man I loved the video. My kids are adults now but it took me right back … oh god how many times did I lay down on my bed pretending I didnt hear the “Mom mom mom mom….”
((( sigh))) I miss it. I’d like to have it all over. Can I?
You are always too sweet, Rosie. I’m happy you enjoyed it. Even though your kids are grown, I bet that video takes you right back to those days. I know I should savor all these moments now, but sometimes, just sometimes, I want some quiet for a few minutes, that’s all. 😀
I only JUST NOW got a chance to read this (I’m very busy, okay?). Damn you are funny. Seriously seriously funny.
What? Just where have you been?! Stop working and read my blog, it’s WAY more important, dontcha know, sheesh…
and thank you, but I am being serious all the time. I am just giving you guys the facts, the straight poop about my life. I can’t help it if you guys are laughing at (or with) me. I suppose tragedy leads to comedy…
I think this makes you the expert on handling ‘crises’ since yours started so early! LOL! Happy New Year Darla.
Practice makes perfect, as they say. I will be in a constant state of midlife crisis from now on until I die, just gotta embrace it.
Happy New Year to you as well!
The question to ask yourself is “what was going on at 20 so that there WASN’T a crisis?” Then repeat that behaviour for the rest of your life.
Maybe get tenure at a liberal college?
Hope 2012 is filled with lots more of Darla’s Decidedly Delicious Doodlings!
Yeah, what was it about those golden college years? I think it was the endless supply of Ramen noodles and beer. Or sleeping in until noon each day. Or bringing my laundry home on the weekends. If only I could recapture that existence now I’d be set…hmm…
Hope you had a nice long holiday weekend, Pegoleg!
I think I was in a mid-life crisis until just this past year! Whoa….what a thought. So, since I’ve gotten that out of the way…so glad I don’t have to worry at 40-not that I was-I’m just sayin’. 😉 My resolutions: get to bed before 11PM each night (already broke that one), read the Old Testament each day (already broke that one), learn to canter on my horse (have a pinched nerve-geez). Oh, well, vows were meant to be broken. Here’s to letting it go and moving on-crisis-free! Cheers to an awesome post! 🙂
Skates that were shooting sparks in every direction! ha ha ha. I’ve had similar moments.
Do tell, Susan! I always think I look way cooler than I actually do. So sad.
May I shamelessly self-promote for barbaracoles.wordpress.com? I just posted “The Bad Mother Club” today, about opting out of perfection.
Absolutely, Barbara!
If there was a reality show about your life, I would start watching television again.
Happy New Year, Darla. (Is it too late to say that? It’s the 14th. Let me know, and I’ll take it back and save it for next year.)
I might even start watching TV again. Or maybe not…hmm…
It’s never too late, Happy New Year to you as well, Charles!