Mom for Hire

OBJECTIVE            To prove that when you notice the huge 10 year gap on my résumé, snicker and ask, “What were you doing all that time?!” I wasn’t merely sitting around twiddling my thumbs and eating bon bons.  (Although some days I did take a few breaks and did just that.)

WORK EXPERIENCE          

2000-2002              Fertility Specialist

  • Managed  and supervised an in-depth  and labor-intensive fertility project overseeing one disgruntled employee.
  • Daily progress was tracked with temperature readings, charts, graphs and my husband whining, “Do we have to do this AGAIN?!”
  • Goal was achieved after attending several meetings with various nurses, OB-GYNs and finally one prayer-filled seminar with The Big Guy in the Sky.
  • Assisted in creating an entire human being using only my body.
  •  Increased members of family by one healthy baby boy, increased household grocery consumption by 50%, decreased maternal brain cells by 30%.

2002-2003                Newborn Coordinator

  • Directed various sleep studies involving the length of time it takes for a subject to start hallucinating giant gummy bears dancing in the kitchen in relation to the few minutes of choppy haze-induced slumber one has per night.
  • Involved in product evaluations. Determined diaper wipe warmers are about as useful as another a hole in the head.  Also, breast pumps are not more effective if you crank the setting up to maximum and grit your teeth to get through the searing pain.
  • Managed one colicky baby every night for three months and implemented several tactics such as, walking baby around in circles while shushing, driving baby around neighborhood at 2 am and sobbing hysterically along with baby.

2003-2006                   Developmental Therapist/Lead Teacher

  • Lead instructor for a toddler child with sensory issues and more energy than an Energizer Bunny on speed fighting with the Tazmanian Devi in the midst of a hurricane..
  • Taught child how to count, how to recite the alphabet. Instructed child on proper hygiene, sleep habits, eating habits, social decorum. Lessons included: Hot Wheels are not for the toilet. Crayons are not edible. The cat is not a giant fuzzy doll that hisses. Addressed behavioral issues. For example, how not to hit, bite, kick another human being.
  • Subjects included: Respect, Kindness, Love, Curiosity, Imagination
  • Daily therapy provided:  giggling hysterically, dancing like everyone was watching, and running around the outdoors with wild abandon. Seeing the simple beauty, magic and joy in everyday things.
  • Goals achieved: 1) Raised one loving, caring, sweet, happy boy  2) Increased heart capacity by 1000%.

2006 to present             Mom Extraordinaire

  • Aided and assisted in creating and maintaining another human being using only my body.
  • Supervised two active, clever, bordering on maniacal children on a daily basis.
  • Provided safe, loving, nurturing home.
  • Taught subjects such as: sharing, caring, taking turns, being respectful of others, loving oneself
  • Goals Achieved: 1) Raised one sweet, loving, caring, happy girl. 2) Increased heart capacity by infinity.
  • Other Duties as Assigned: Chef, referee, maid, chauffeur, coach, dish washer, singer, dancer, party planner, counselor, public relations, nurse, doctor, teacher, professional hugger, boo-boo kisser, hand-holder, tear-wiper, confidence-builder and self-esteem engineer

SKILLS AND QUALIFICATIONS

    • Time Management  Able to flip pancakes, clean ketchup off ceiling, figure out an algebraic equation, unclog toilet filled with Polly Pockets, do 10 loads of laundry, drive kids to various practices, classes and play dates simultaneously.
    • Debating  Successfully presented and defended stance that Halloween candy consumed in large quantities for breakfast is a bad idea; flinging a Barbie at your brother’s head is a bad idea; jumping off the roof of the house into a snowbank wearing only underwear is a bad idea.
    • Patience  Able to withstand endless hours of ‘Why?’ questions, followed by listening to relentless whining, Spongebob episodes and sibling games of “But I’m Not Really Touching You!”  and “Stinky Feet”.
    • Love  Provided endless quantities on an as-needed basis until my heart hurt.

References Available Upon Maturity of Children.
Ask them how I did in 15 years. My guess is not too shabby.

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107 thoughts on “Mom for Hire

    1. Thanks, Eggton. I had fun with this but I am seriously considering bringing it with me to my next job interview. I had one last week and she couldn’t get over the fact that I had such a huge work experience gap. She looked at me like, what have you been doing?!

      1. ^^ My mom had the same experience, Darla. She stayed at home with us until I was sixteen years old, did an EXCELLENT job, but had a really difficult time getting back into the workforce afterward. Skills she learned on the way back into the daily 9-5 grind:

        1. Patience. How not to shove a pencil up your 23-year old interviewer’s nose.
        2. Teeth grinding. Related to above. How not to force your 21-year old superior’s head into a headlock and not let go.
        3. Eye rolling.
        4. Poker face-making. Not letting your gaggle of 20-something co-workers see how lame you think they are.
        5. Bigger picture-seeing. Cherishing the times spent with the family, not letting the workplace get under your skin as much as it will if you let it.

        Great post– I hope your resume counts for something in a future workplace. I know for a fact it counts for a whole lot to your family and children. 🙂

      2. haha, Dana! Yes, I think I need to brush up on my poker-face, non-eye-rolling and non-pencil-shoving-up-the-nose skills.

        Thanks for your comments, especially that last line…made me feel good, all warm and fuzzy. I’m sure some day my kids will look back and appreciate things and I know I am very lucky to have been able to stay home with them.

    1. You’d think so, Joe. No insurance, no sick days. I barely even got any vacation time. Unless you count the time back in 2007 I went to the doctor’s office by myself and got to sit in the waiting room and read an entire magazine uninterrupted for 20 minutes.

  1. Beautifully said for all of us who’ve done it and wondered if we would be employable again (YES– You are!) But I think you can add “Supervisor” to the resume.

      1. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll hire you and we can BOTH work in Maine! Of course, I’m the supervisor here. And the one who is goofing off while working…

      2. Deal!

        p.s. By the way, I just want to inform you that I need next week off. Oh yeah– and a hefty raise. And could you please stock the employee room with more PB cups and coffee. Thanks, Supervisor!

  2. Hi,
    Sounds like you have done more than an excellent job, and through it all you are also able to see the funny side, well done. I had a smile all the way through the post. 🙂

    1. Nothing better than knowing I made you smile, Mags. I would say overall, I did a pretty darn good job. I’ve had days when I was the world’s worst mother. But mostly, I’m pretty proud of my kids and the awesome people they’re becoming. That’s all the pay I need.

    1. yes! I scored a job! Whoohoo! How much do you pay? When do I start?

      Er–wait a minute… Oops, sorry, but um yeah, the ‘having the kids for you’ thing might be difficult for me as I can’t have any more kids, that train has left the station after a quick stop at Hysterectomyville and is heading straight for Menopausal City. But I’d be more than happy to lend you mine for the weekend! They are very well behaved.

  3. Congratulations – you’ve got the job! When can you start? FYI, at Peg-o-leg Industries (a division of PegCo) we discourage unclogging toilets while flipping pancakes. It’s a Health Dept. thing.

    (p.s. Hysterical!)

    1. I understand. The pancakes did taste awfully strange that morning… (ew! sorry! I couldn’t help myself with that one)

      Now as for that job offer, it’s been a dream of mine to work for Peg-o-leg Industries! Yessss! When you finally get around to that children’s book I suggested awhile back… ‘Peg-o-leg’s Reality Bites Tales’ I’ll be there ready to draw the illustrations for you (all completely done with stick figures of course) We need to make some moulah off this blogging thing finally, Pegolicious!

  4. haha, i loved this post and the comments! you are so funny, and very worthy of being hired. hope the job hunting goes well for you.

    ps. while my husband and i were walking along the river the other day, (the photos were in today’s post), i was imagining the scenery to be like Maine. Because of blogger’s like you, i now have a semi-obsession with the place. wicked, eh? haha.

  5. I am just beginning the job hunt and it is daunting when the first question seems to be, “what’s with the huge gap in your resume?” and “Why are all your past references dead?” and “So you basically did nothing for 10 years?”

    If you are obsessed with Maine, the only remedy is to COME TO MAINE. You could take trillions of spectacular photos and write a glorious blog post about it. (and visit me for coffee or hot cocoa…)

  6. Kim

    LOVE it! Your kids will also benefit from your humor and creative take on life. You’ll start to reap the rewards of all of your hard work when they’re teenagers. My teenager makes me smile and makes me proud of her on a daily basis. I’m confident your kids will do the same for you, too!

  7. Snoring Dog Studio

    The huge gap – how unkind! Who raised that interviewer? A petri dish? Harrumph. You earned your medals and awards for that extended length of duty. I could never do it. Never did because I knew I could never do it. I stand in awe.

    1. Thank you, SDS! I had to laugh at the petri dish comment. I’ve had even more ridiculous interviews in the past. A few years ago during another attempt at getting back into the workforce, an interviewer asked if I had any kids (which I thought was illegal or at least, inappropriate to ask?) And when I said I had kids, she made it clear she didn’t want to deal with me calling in sick because they were sick. Sheesh!

  8. Ha, yes, Darla, take this with you on your next interview! Then, when you get hired, they can stand in even bigger awe that you continue to be a totally awesome mom while also holding a second job. Being a committed and loving mom, doing all the mom stuff in conjunctin with bringing home the bacon is a whole new dynamic. Oh, and make sure hubby gets a copy. Men-they NEED to know. 🙂 And, as for the interviewer who looked at your resume cross-eyed with the time gap-well, not the place you wanna work anyways…speaking from experience! Terrific post!

    1. Absolutely–working AND helping to raise a family is another great accomplishment so many mothers and fathers do. I am lucky both my kids will be in school full time this fall, so I can get back out there and work full time. I’m excited but it’s pretty nerve-wracking when you’ve only done a few part time jobs here and there (I currently take care of an infant every day) You are right, who wants to work for a place that puts so much emphasis on my resume gap anyway? Unfortunately it might be harder for me to find work due to that and my age. It’s tough for everyone all around to get employed but I am going to keep plugging away.

      1. Yes, Darla, keep at it! I’m proud to be a reader of your blog and support you 100% It will happen for you, and when it does, it will be the right place at the right time. Any employer will be blessed to have you!!

  9. Darla! This is fantastic!! What a brilliant – BRILLIANT – idea for a post. You knocked this out of the park, Darla. Seriously. The interview you had last week inspired you! Well done! You can put me down for a reference, though I highly doubt you’ll need one.

  10. I love it, I love it, I love it! You’re HIRED! When can you start in my house? The drain is already clogged with Polly Pockets, the pancakes are burning and I have no idea what to do about it all.

    I love not only the content but the concept of this post. Great job.

  11. Superb! I am going to add a prefix to your name Darla, which awesome. From where you get such creativity. Please pass little bit of creativity to me, so that I can write 10% as good as you. Your resume is going to be in high demand. Now you must write a book, i really do not know for what you are waiting? 🙂 I am sure all your books will be in high demand; just like you, your blog & your resume are! 🙂

  12. Uh-oh…haven’t you heard? Their teens is when they hate you and you did absolutely everythingwrong! Better wait until they have kids of their own – a transcendental understanding will then occur, and they will finally getyou 🙂

    Sadly, it’s true, it is very difficult for women to re-integrate back into the work-place.

    Maybe tweak the resume so that your experiences correlate with adults in an office setting: breaking up a kid fight = Human Resource conflict Resolutions Expert…etc 🙂

    1. This is what I’ve heard about those dreaded teen years, Spectra. Maybe I should wait 25 years when they hit their 30s. I think that was the time I finally ‘got it’ and realized all my mom sacrificed and did for us growing up.
      I love the Human Resource idea…I’ll have to add that one.

  13. I just love you. I am printing this off and keeping it around for years from now when I head back to the “work place”. I’m still figuring out the best way to tell employers that I’ll pretty much work for free…as long as I can wear sweatpants 🙂

    1. That will be my sticking point as well. Must be able to wear sweats, no makeup and have a cup of coffee in hand at all times. Oh and weekends and all summer and holidays off. (god, wouldn’t that be sweet?)

  14. This was incredible, Darla! Isn’t it amazing how no employer gives us credit for all the skills we acquires while parenting! When I returned to work after eleven years of staying at home with the three kids, I had lost all confidence in holding down another job. I went to work doing the cooking at a tea room in a Christian bookstore because the one thing I knew I still was good at was cooking. I finally got my confidence back and went to grad school and started another career. But that’s what society does to stay-at-home moms, even though we are unbelievably resourceful and clever. Your resume was brilliant!

    1. Thanks so much, Susan. I have to say reading your story and words are very encouraging. I have this fear no one will hire me (I’m currently looking for an educational technician job, something I used to do once upon a time) but I have to keep trying. My goal is to go back to college again (nursing school) and I am already starting to take those steps to get my degree so I am excited to have some direction in my life again. It may take some time, but it will be oh so worth it I am sure!

      1. Good for you, Darla. I was forty when I actually finished my Masters and started my second career ( third,mic you count being a mom). It’s amazing how smart we become through all those years of parenting. I was a much better student than I was when I was 18 and an undergrad.

  15. This is so creative, Darla. And you’re so humble because you didn’t include your miracle-worker skills in fixing boo-boos and making dinner go farther when friends stay over.

    Best of hope in school and job-hunting. You’re a prize any organization would benefit from.

  16. Awesome post! Your ability to create human beings using only your body is quite impressive. It also proves that men and women are not equally skilled. I’d like to see a man do that. Actually, no, I wouldn’t. I can only imagine the whining and grumbling.

    1. Carly, it’s a good thing my husband does appreciate what I do as a mom every day. He is always supportive but even he knows he could never have endured the pregnancies, the breastfeeding, the sleep issues, the terrible twos etc….

  17. Anyone who makes pancakes has a job at my house. When can you start? Tomorrow morning?

    I’m not sure whether you’re looking for a job or planning to go to grad school, whatever it is, best of luck Darla. With an original resume like this you’ll have people fighting to hire you.

    I also stayed home with my kids and I never regretted it. In fact those years are my happiest memories 🙂

    1. Rosie, I would be happy to flip pancakes for you anytime for free.

      I have a feeling years from now I’ll look back at this time I had with my kids at home and miss it greatly. I am very lucky I was able to stay home with them all these years!

  18. This is amazing!!! And so true. I just love how you’ve made your Mommy-hood into a resume. Lead instructor. Skilled. Newborn Coordinator — it’s perfect. You have a unique way of looking at the world, and this post is so great you should repost it in May on Mother’s Day — so we can all feel so proud of own own resume gaps! 🙂

    1. That’s a great idea, Melissa. I’m sure there are other stay at home moms and dads out there that might appreciate this ‘resume’ and all that we do every day. I have to admit I have days where I feel because I’m not bringing home a big paycheck I’m not contributing to the household. Of course, my husband points out that what I do really matters.

      1. Hi Darla, I feel the same way sometimes. Like, I should be doing something in addition to parenting to help “support” our family. I tried to take on a job as a reporter for our local paper early last year — and it was a disaster. With the kids so young, I needed to find a babysitter every time I had to go out for an interview! And as you know, when you call people, they’re not always there. So even “working from home” meant I had to prepare for the return calls to come in while I was in the potty with the kids, or up to my elbows in play dough. 🙂 Then they wanted me to cover some meetings at night, and I’m sorry, but after a day with the kids, all I want to do at night is curl up in my comfy pants and eat chips in front of the TV!

        Are you looking for work now, or just feeling pensive about your resume?

        I did catch one of the other comments that mentioned how these years are the best of the memories of being a mom — and I totally agree. And somehow I married a saint who looks at what I do as more challenging than his “real” job. But it’s true. My mom friends who work outside the home tell me some days they are so grateful for the chance to go to work — and relax! 😉

      2. I had a couple of similar job experiences, Melissa. I took on a few part time jobs over the years, only to find I couldn’t possibly juggle the daycare for my kids, the driving time and expense etc. Like you said, it was a disaster. I realized it would be better to just stay home, (my daughter is still in preK right now half days) and babysit another baby for extra income.

        Now that my daughter is starting kindergarten this fall full time, it’s time for me to find a full time job again. I am ready, as much as I know I’ll miss my kids. I am currently looking for work as an educational tech for elementary school. I used to work in special ed and as a therapist for autistic kids years ago. My long term goal is to go back to college and get my nursing degree. It will take years but what better time to start then now, right?

        I also have friends that work and they tell me some days they look forward to adult conversation and just a little break from the house and the kids. I can understand that. They also are envious I even got to stay home, which I do feel blessed I could do that for awhile.

  19. I LOVE this post! You are hilarious! Print that out and have it framed is what I say! Brilliant! Just brilliant! Every Mom can relate! Good job Darla…..and don’t worry…you WILL find a good job…during that prayer-filled seminar with The Big Guy in the Sky I would venture to guess that he included the “post stay at home years” as a part of the blessing…..you will not only find a job…but a FABULOUS one at that! I have a lot of faith in the “Big Guy in the Sky” We reap what we sow. 🙂

  20. I love it! Every mother, whether they work outside the home or not, needs to write their resume! I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve told my son, “I don’t get paid enough for this crap!” The job titles are fabulous. I guess I would title my last few years as Lead Detective and School Advocate. Thanks for yet another great post! (BTW I’m reading Reiki Nurse right now- if you don’t have it, I think you’d really like it).

    1. That is really odd, Sue. I was thisclose to using “I Don’t Get Paid Enough for this Crap!” as my post title! (you made me laugh with that one, thank you)

      And yes, you have definitely earned the Lead Detective and School Advocate titles, my friend.

      I am going to hunt down Reiki Nurse at the library this week. I am soooo excited. She just emailed me again to make sure I was going to her Reiki Share next week at the Patrick Dempsey cancer center. I am so flipping excited! I’ll let you know how things go. I can’t thank you enough for introducing me to her!

      1. I’m so excited for you! And, as you know, there are no accidents in this world. Glad things worked out and you two got connected! (And just the mention of the name Patrick Dempsey leaves me weak in the knees!)

      2. You are right, no accidents! I just stopped off at our local library and they are going to get a copy of her book for me. 😀 I giggled at your Patrick Dempsey comment. When I was waiting in her office, I noticed this picture of him on the wall with her and others. He really is an amazing person to create such a fantastic center for cancer patients to have a place to relax and recharge and it’s all FREE for them. And I am in awe there is an entire Reiki program offered there. I wouldn’t have known any of this if it weren’t for you. Thank you again!

  21. John Erickson

    Sorry, late to the fun here.
    I tried one time to figure out everything my mother did, for a school assignment. I gave up after two pages of list. Given a choice between being a mother and being dropped unarmed behind enemy lines, drop me in anytime! 😀

  22. When Jacob was in nursery school, he was asked “What does your Dad do?”

    “He’s a lawyer”

    And what does your Mom do?

    “She walks the dog.”

    Then he announced that his favorite song was “What do you do with a drunken sailor,” and I considered moving. The teachers never looked at me the same.

    1. Ha ha ha!! Oh! That is hysterical. Well I think walking the dog is of utmost importance. Helps keep the house clean, makes the dog happy. That is quite the accomplishment. Now I have that song in my head….”earl-eye in the mornin’…”

      Reminds me of my son. He wrote a Mother’s Day card at school where the teachers have them fill in answers to questions. It went something like this:

      My mom……loves chocolate
      My mom loves to….eat chocolate
      My favorite thing to do with my Mom is…..play Mario Kart
      The things I love about my mom….she makes me my favorite dinner spaghetti with meatballs

      So there you have it in a nutshell. I eat, make food and play video games all day. Life is good!

      1. If it wasn’t for the extreme lack of income, I would happily stay right where I am. Sigh. If only I could make money off of simply being a Maineiac. Still waiting for this blog thing to somehow become profitable….(I was going to drop a few F bombs in my comment for emphasis, but I think I got all that out of my system on your post this morning)

      2. by the way, Elyse. I am sorry I typed out F—– so much on your blog. Hope you didn’t mind…I don’t know what came over me! I normally am such a mild-mannered person too. Must be because it’s Friday the 13th today?

  23. You know, I have a new respect for your gig as women, now that I’ve been a house-husband for the past 3 months. I knew it was hard, but not this hard! And our youngest just moved out two months ago.

    You will certainly find something with your personality!

    1. Really?? You will? Yes! Wait a second, I get paid zip, so what’s double zip? 😉 no, that’s not true either– I get paid in love and hugs…that’s all a mom needs isn’t it? (and thanks, Nancy)

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  25. I am a mother of five. If I wrote my resume and work experience no one would believe me. My oldest is now 27. My youngest is 12. I’ve often wondered what ever made me think I could be a parent.

    1. I still wonder that as well. And you had five, I bow down to you! I certainly have a newfound respect for my own mom who raised me and my five brothers (and I now know why she’s earned the right to be a little exhausted and sometimes loopy…) Being a parent is something you can never express to another until they are one. Thanks for visiting, Patricia.

  26. Darla, if I may call you Darla. That was a lovely cocktail of sweetness, comedy, a pinch of passion, and a cup of accomplishment! Extremely well done.

    I’ve seen you around on other WordPressers blog for quite some time (most notably Arindam’s and now MJ’s) and told myself I have to get over to your blog. I’ve read this one post (and most of your comments left elsewhere) and I’m sure glad I finally was able to visit.

    I’m hooked. I’m now a follower and I’ve put you in my blogroll! I can’t wait for more, so I’m going to snoop around in the meantime.

    1. Thanks, Joe, for the nice comments! Welcome and yes, of course, you may call me Darla. I prefer it, (although D-Woww seems to be catching on lately…)

      I am just getting to know MJ’s blog and look forward to reading yours as well now. Hope you stick around.

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  28. I am so glad that someone finally wrote this down! It was so needed. Sometimes, it needs to be put to paper (or a computer) for people to really get it. You have done a great job with this one.
    Did you show this to your interviewer?

    P.S. – Now I am just left wondering; having seen you around the blogosphere, why didn’t I get here before today?

    1. Oh, thank you!

      And I don’t know, but I’m glad you made it over here. Next time you visit, I’ll remember to provide some beverages. You like coffee or tea? I think I might have some Sunny D but the kids have dibs on that I’m afraid…

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  30. Hey! I’m a stay at home mom too 🙂 Just started a blog on here recently and you’re the first blog I’ve read so far!! 🙂 Awesome ! You have some great perspectives! It’s so easy to write about our kids, isn’t it??

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