Top 10 Things You’ll Never Overhear at My House

10) ” We are having way too much sex lately.”

9) “Hey! I’ve got a great idea! Let’s invite your mom over for dinner! Hell, let’s invite my parents over too! Maybe we can all sit around and talk about religion and politics! It’ll be a blast!”

8) “It is way too quiet in here.”

7) “Eh. What’s one more kid?”

6) “There.  Laundry’s done. Dishes are done. The house is picked up. Kids are gone. Guess I’ll just crack open a cold beer, sit down on the couch and watch a marathon of House uninterrupted for the rest of the day.”

5) “I don’t know what it is about him, but I can never get enough.  That Newt Gingrich is hot.”

4) “More kale, please, Mom!”

3) “Oh, that’s okay. I didn’t really want that new Nintendo 3DS with the Mario Kart 7 game anyway. These tube socks and the sweater with the kittens Grandma made me are just as good.”

2) “Ohhhhh, Mommy! Julia and I are getting along again! And we’re sharing! I love her so much!”
…and the number one thing you will never hear at my house…

1)  “Well, now that you mention it, your butt looks ginormous in that outfit. Truly, it’s stunningly monstrous. Nah, wait a second…turn around a little for me…..uh… nope, I was wrong. It’s not the outfit that makes it look big, it’s just that your ass is huge.”

(image: moviespad)

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94 thoughts on “Top 10 Things You’ll Never Overhear at My House

  1. I just snorted several times sooo loud in the nursing home andy little 90 year old lady wanted to know what’s so funny!! Bah! I lOve topten lists…that’s what I do for the Christmas letter. Thx for the laugh just now 🙂

  2. I love this because #6 – where everything is done and we can grab a beer and watch a House marathon? Proud to say that can happen at my house. Only it would be wine and Law & Order because I’ve seen every House and if I’ve seen the L&A I can find two other channels playing it.

    1. Are you sure you’re not referring to number 10? The thing I hear the most after school is my son whining from his room, “Mommy! Julia’s buggin me again! She won’t leave me alone and she’s taken all my Hot Wheels cars!” Sibling love.

      That is a new tag line and coincidentally, how I actually felt this morning. I am going to use a new one each time I post, switch it up a bit. I am in the middle of revamping my entire blog. It’s so blah. It needs something more…

      1. I’ll tell you what it needs…more Snowmen!!! You can never have too many snowmen 😀
        Did you get any snow up there yet? We are sadly snow-deficient down here by Philly. I’m still practicing on marshmallows.

        I really do feel for you on the ‘no quiet’ in your house part. I grew up with 8 brothers and sisters, pets and a loud dishwasher – never any quiet! Maybe you could have Quiet Contests with your kids and give prizes out. Like permission to skip vegetables at dinner one night (but you earn that ‘free pass coupon’ by winning a kale-eating contest – heh heh)

      2. Ah, yeah, we had a super loud dishwasher as well, Spectra. It was this portable monster-sized thing my mom would wheel over to the sink to hook up. Between the nonstop dishwashing, our huge animal farm and my brothers running around like crazy people it was never quiet growing up. Which I why I crave it so much now I suppose (Too bad the next time I get any quiet it will be when I’m sitting in a rocker at a nursing home) I have tried some pretty convincing “quiet games” with my kids. Like staring contests…see who can hold their breath the longest…etc. but they only seem to last a few seconds. I like your ideas better.

        We DO have snow. Finally! Not much. Seattle has more than we do right now. Ca-razy stuff.

  3. Funny! I actually had to pause at #8 because I have had a night in the recent past where my husband was working and the kid spent the night at a friend’s house. The house was too quiet- even though when they’re home, I often crave my alone time. It was weird. I actually missed them. A few episodes of iCarly and a glass of wine helped.

    1. I find a glass of wine and iCarly helps every day.

      Once (and I do mean ONCE) I had the house to myself. It was Mother’s Day…years ago…all the kids left with my husband, and I sat in the silence for 10 minutes before I started feeling antsy. It’s just so weird to have the house quiet and/or nothing to do!

      1. Hi Patti. I hope you don’t mind me just jumping in here, randomly. This is a test of the Darla Comment Response System. This is only a test. If it were an actual comment emergency, you would have been instructed where to turn (which would be my blog).
        We now return you to your regularly scheduled comments.

      2. (Beep!)

        Hello. You have reached She’s a Maineiac Headquarters. Unfortunately, Mrs. Maineiac is either knee-deep in diapers or swimming in baby bottles at the moment. Please leave a message and she will reply to your comment in the order in which it is received.

        If you’d like to speak to the operator: Please Press 0 now
        If you’d like to file a complaint about She’s a Maineiac: Please, keep it to yourself or Press 1 now
        If you’d like to mail Mrs. Maineiac any coupons for Reese’s Peanut Butter Valentine Hearts: Please call her directly at her home number.
        Thank you and have a pleasant day.

      3. And then when you DO get a hold of a warm body at She’s A Maineiac headquarters, it’s somebody named Rajeesh with an incomprehensible accent who tells you his name is “Bob.”

        How are those Reese’s valentine hearts? Yummy?

  4. Hi,
    Fantastic post.
    #1 Would not be said inside or outside the house ever. 😆
    #6 Is rather normal in my household.
    #9 You would never hear this in our household either. 😀

  5. Darla, you referenced your sex life on here?! That is just too much! I feel just like I did the first time I saw Carol and Mike Brady sitting in bed together — all at once I felt my innocence was sucked right into the television set and never heard from again.

    Something about the “eh” in front of #7 made it read so hilarious.

    By the way, I love your new blog tagline. I laughed out loud when I read it 🙂

    1. I know, I know. It is quite traumatizing. Sorry. But to make you feel better, we have separate beds, we go to sleep fully clothed and with the blankets pulled up to our chins and read books in bed just like Carol and Mike.

      My husband was reading this post over my shoulder and he said, “Really? Our sex life in your blog?” But really, sex sells. Or lack of sex sells…I can’t remember which. In any case, we have kids. We are middle aged. You do the math. I’ll have to go and edit my first line now…maybe it was too much info…hmm…

      1. Me? That doesn’t sound like me at all :). No, no — don’t take that one off! I was just teasing! Besides, it’s ground-breaking. And in a way that doesn’t make “ground-breaking” seem sexual.

        Carry on , Carol.

  6. 1. Love the new blog tagline– I noticed it right away even though I’ve only been a subscriber for less than 2 weeks.
    2. Kale is my fave vegetable, against all odds. My coworker once told me that she ate kale for B vitamins alone, even though it “tasted like ass”. Of course, I had to check kale out for myself after that glowing recommendation. I’ve been hooked ever since. I guess I *love* the taste of ass– who knew? (Maybe that should be my new blog tagline: “I guess I love the taste of ass”.)

    1. Dana, I might just keep that tagline forever. I noticed most blogs have one and I have never had one, so it was time to add some pizazz to my blog by letting everyone know that I feel like I got run over by a truck most days. The hangover bit is not true. I can’t drink hardly any alcohol anymore.

      Kale ‘tastes like ass’ you say? I will be sure to never try it now. Not a big fan.

  7. #10 is only one of many reasons why my prior marriage didn’t survive. #5 NEVER! NEEEEVVVVEEEERR! #3 Kids these days just don’t get how cool tube socks are and sweaters with kittens from Grandma rule. And, lastly, D-Woww, what an awesome nickname! 😉

  8. Ha Darla! This post was hilarious. 🙂 Now you must write a post on “Top 10 Things You’ll Overhear at My House”. 🙂 I liked the #2 the most. Even you ask my mom, she will tell the same thing and it will be on top of the list. My sister is older than me, but neither of us really grown to realize that, we fight like children. But as my sister do not have much idea about blogging and she is not going to visit your blog; so I can confess that, “I really love her so much.” 🙂

  9. Seriously funny! We have to laugh or we would cry sometimes. 🙂

    #1 will never, ever be heard – in even the most subtle way – in our house. I’m pretty dumb, but just smart enough to steer far clear of that!

    I’m adding my own: “Michael why don’t you open the laptop and do some blogging; you haven’t done that in a long time!” hehehe

    BTW, D-Woww (your new Fresh Prince DJ nickname), I’m still waiting for the audio impressions! 🙂

  10. My wife cooks a lot and she’s very good at it, so I’m not complaining, but sometimes I think I could just empty the dishwasher and reload it on a constant rotation, ’round the clock. So “dishes are all done” will only be heard when I snap and throw them all out.

    1. I was doing dishes while I wrote this post, Byron.

      When I was in the middle of doing dishes for the umpteenth time a few minutes ago, suddenly this intense rage came over me and I came dangerously close to chucking the plates at the wall and screaming “OH MY GOD! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE! From now on we are eating over our laps using our hands!”

  11. That Newt eyebrow thing is following me around the room.

    So happy your hubby knows not to call your butt big because that might seem to indicate that someone was a TOTAL, FREAKIN’, SUICIDAL IDIOT!!!

    Love the new tagline. Hate that happykidshappymom came up with your snappy new nickname, when I’ve been working so HARD on that task, gosh darn it, and to fail so miserably…

    1. When you all get a chance, Peg, Darla and those other brilliant minds I love, will you help me come up with a new tagline too? Mine does not reflect my blog at all. When I started it, I had every intention to overlap my childhood stories with my kids’ stories. So the “parenting” thing in my tagline is a blatant misrepresentation that could land me in jail. Not to mention, soccer moms everywhere will be outraged. Besides, I’m really not parenting when I’m writing my posts. Unless by “parenting” you mean “sticking kids near a television set”.

      1. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Angie. At least you give them a TV.

        Hmm….so you say no parenting stuff…but more nostalgia…hmmm….let me think….(thoughtfully stroking imaginary beard which someday won’t be so imaginary, unfortunately)

        Childhood Relived
        When John Cusack, scrunchies and Mr. Furley collide

        No?

      2. 1.) The beard thing is hilarious because it’s true (I’m sure for me anyway).

        2.) That sounds sexual! But the again, I know that’s what you’re all about these days so what can I expect.

        Just kidding 🙂

      3. Perhaps when you started this magical, mystical blogging journey, your focus was a bit narrower than it has evolved to be. Now that you’ve dipped your collective toes into all kinds of fascinating online discussions, do you want to only talk about your kids? Only your childhood? Only Maine and fun things to do there? (that’s for Miss Darlonski, BTW)

        It seems as we find our true voices, the look and flavor of our blogs should evolve to echo them.

        Boy, is that deep. I’m really moved, here.

        I hope this comment lands where it’s supposed to, because I wasn’t sure which “reply” button to hit.

    2. When I decided to get married, I made darn sure that my husband would never be a total freakin’ suicidal idiot, it was in our vows.

      I’m sure you’ve got another great nickname for me, Peg-o-leg

  12. Re quiet: my 16-year-old son is a serious talker, mostly because he has a rich internal life that he NEEDS to share and because his alternate history computer gaming is such an unending thrill. Sometimes my ears bleed. But he knows I need a break when I start to stroke the back of his head.
    “Why are you doing that, Mom?” he asked the first time I did it.
    “I’m trying to lull you to sleep.”
    Laughter, and a minute and a half of quiet.

    1. I love that story. I bet that was a nice 90 seconds for you, Barbara. My daughter is five and she talks more than I do. If you knew me outside of the blogging world, you’d know that that is an incredible feat!

  13. Very funny indeed Darla. If I made a top ten list, I think mine would be very similar! Especially the kids sharing, the Christmas gifts that aren’t good enough, and inviting the in-laws over…blah!

    1. Thanks, Joe. I had a strong feeling there might be some other parents out there that could relate to this stuff…

      At a recent family get-together, one of my brothers brought up politics and before he even finished his thought I was up and out the door before chaos could erupt at the table. I just refuse to discuss politics anymore. Not worth the high blood pressure.

  14. I missed the story of Newt and his ex-wife, but I don’t care his eyebrow dancing was much more entertaining.

    I hope you at least get to drink your beer and watch your favorite TV show in peace on more than your birthday and mother’s day …

    Am I the only one who likes kale? It’s one of those vegetables that has all sorts of vitamins, minerals and roughage (to help you do you know what…)

  15. Speaking of Newt, here’s another thing you won’t hear at my house.
    – Wonder why Newt’s wife wasn’t into an open marriage? That sounds so spiritual. Let’s ask our parents what they think of it when they all come to dinner.
    This was too funny!

    1. It is. It was when I wrote it. It still is when I read it again. Originally, it had more details, but my mother-in-law reads this blog, so I had to edit to a more PG version. Basically it means this: the only time we would have ever said those words was before we had kids when we were in our 20s.

    1. hehe–thanks, Susan. I am going back to work full time soon and realize my posts will have to be short and sweet now. Plus, I’ve reached the point where I actually have run out of ideas for my blog. sigh.

      1. I am getting a massive headache just thinking about it. Right now my husband and I are trying to figure out who will watch our daughter half days, who will pick up who from where…it’s all hectic and I haven’t even starting working yet. (where’s that tylenol?)

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