Lenore, over at Lenore Diane’s Thoughts Exactly has tagged me. She snuck up behind me, hit me pretty hard and then ran off giggling before I had a chance to tag her back with my lightning-quick reflexes. So now I am IT. I do want to thank her for not tagging me, then driving my head into the ground and sitting on my back while putting me in a headlock and giving me the world’s longest noogie like my brothers used to do during their version of Tag. But this is good because I have nothing to write about and this will help move things along. With this game of tag, she’s asked me the following questions. After I answert them, I’m supposed to come up with questions of my own, then tag other victims but I’m fresh out of coherent thoughts at the moment. You are very welcome.
1.What is your favorite color, and what do you think it would taste like?
Lavender. I would think it tastes like the moment you lick that bar of soap in your Grandma’s bathroom on a dare from your older brother. Tangy, scary…yet strangely soothing.
2.Do you sleep on your left side, right side, back or stomach?
Left side. Always left. Good for the heart, helps prevent stroke. Also helps prevent me from hearing my husband’s incessant freight-train-meets-a-dying-water-buffalo-while-a-jumbo-jet-soars-overhead snoring.
3.Do you floss your teeth?
I only floss the ones I want to keep.
So, no, I never floss.
4.Do you close the lid before flushing the toilet?
Always. I once read that even with the lid shut, germs are sprayed up to 10 feet in all directions. I’ve lost sleep thinking about this fact.
5.How many times a day do you brush your teeth?
Is this a trick question? Are you a secret dentist?
6.How many times have you brushed your hair today? If you are follicle-challenged, how many times have you rubbed your bald head?
Well, as you can see by my picture, I like to refer to myself as Forehead Challenged. It’s pretty high. I think I read somewhere that has something to do with high intelligence but I really couldn’t figure out what the article was trying to say. I rub my forehead a dozen, maybe a million times a day. Usually when I’m listening to my kids argue. I brush my hair once a day. I’m lucky I brush it that many times.
7.Do your feet smell? (Go ahead and check, we’ll wait.)
Yes, they do. Like lavender, coincidentally enough.
Are you a secret podiatrist?
8.Do you have any Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in your freezer? May I have it?
No. But I do have a bag of frozen peas that’s been hiding in there since the Clinton administration. You’re more than welcome to it.
9.If you notice food stuck between someone’s teeth – do you make an effort to tell him/her? If not, why are you so cruel?
I would always tell. I am from Maine, where tact goes to die (along with manners, fashion, etc). People here don’t mince words. We’d think nothing of telling someone their shit stinks. By the way, Lenore, during this entire interview you’ve had this giant chunk of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food between your teeth. It’s quite distracting.
10.What feature do you most like about me?
That you never shower.
I’m being serious now…
That you never shower.
I know, I know. Sorry. Now I will really be serious…
You are a genuinely kind, sweet and sincere person and I just know we’d get along famously if you ever come up this way.
11.Don’t you think I should be discovered, while I sit doing nothing, and become famous for my writing?
Absolutely. We all should. Still waiting for WordPress to pay us for all the time us bloggers sit and toil each day to come up with lines like, “I broke my ass” and other gems such as, “Me likey chocolate.”
Behind that card is a silver flask with his name on it
Recently in the news, you may have heard Wheel of Fortune host, Pat Sajak, admitted he was sloshed more than a few times during a taping of the show. Then another story broke soon after that actor Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter fame (never heard of it) admitted that he also showed up to work half in the bag during filming.
Well, the Maineiac has a little secret to tell the world: I am drunk right now. Always have been. Always am. Helps with the creative process.
I’ll close with yet another ‘cute kiddo comment’ story:
I was sitting on the couch, watching Downton Abbey (thank you very much Angie) and getting very confused trying to make out the words those lovely English folks were sputtering (I had to dig out my Mainah-to-English dictionary more than a few times) when my five year old daughter plunked down next to me.
She sighed loudly. She put her legs up on my lap and sighed again. Ten minutes went by and I continued being sucked into the servant world of PBS’s Downton Abbey. Finally, she put her arms behind her head and asked, “Mom? What are we doing here?” I paused the TV and turned to her.
“What are we doing here?” I repeated.
“Well, that’s a very good question. Some people think that we’re here to learn new lessons. Others think we’re here to love one another. And I especially think we are here on this planet to help one another in any way we can. So to love, learn and help. I think that’s why we’re here.”
At this point her eyes were bugging out of her head.
She sat straight up and yelled, “No! I mean ‘what are we doing here?’! Are we gonna watch Caillou or what? I’m waiting!”