Blogger Blues: Part 1

Welcome to the dark world of a tortured blogger; a world where the bread and butter of a good post are ideas. Ideas that can make or break writing. Thoughts about life that sometimes marinate and simmer for the perfect amount of time; coming out of the oven all steamy and bubbly-good to be hungrily devoured by the masses. But what happens when the Tortured Blogger attempts to whip up something and throws open the fridge only to find a crusty bottle of ketchup, an already-opened Yoo-Hoo and a few slices of moldy cheese? Let’s listen in as our featured blogger,  The Maineiac, endures this soul-crushing, hair-ripping, head-banging process of attempting to cook up a delicious idea for a new blog post, shall we?

“Ohhhhh…” THUD. “Ohhhhhhhh….god….” THUD. “Kill me now…” THUD.

The sickening smack of forehead meeting kitchen table cuts through the heavy quiet. “Ohhhh…why…ohhhhh…why?” More thudding. More blinding pain as Blogger’s head attempts to shake a few coherent thoughts loose with every table slam.

“Whatcha doin’?” Blogger’s husband skips into the kitchen oozing with the serenity that only comes from being a Non-Blogger.

“I am dying,” Blogger moans. “Dying, I tell you!” she yells.

Hanging her head, she whispers,  “It’s all over. I am finished. I have nothing left to give.” A tear slips out of the corner of her eye. “Nothing!” she yells again as her husband jumps. She sniffs sadly and lowers her voice back to normal,  “I am empty, I will never ever ever have another idea for a post again. It’s all gone. Forever. I have–”

Blogger hesitates to peer over at husband as he nonchalantly cracks open a ginger ale. He hops up onto the counter and swings his legs.

“Oh, really?” he remarks and gulps some soda, gazing off into the distance with all the concern of someone watching paint dry. Paint drying would get more of a reaction out of Non-Blogger. “Sounds bad,” he rubs his eyes and yawns.

Sounds bad?”

“Uh oh, what did I say now?” his mouth drops open.

“You have no clue what it’s like to not be able to write. I have no ideas at all. Nothing. The well has run dry. The shopping cart has been emptied. The mine has been….uh…mined. It’s hopeless!” Blogger lays weary idea-less head down on top of her notebook, once overflowing with post ideas. The wire binder digs into her cheek as tears spill onto the paper, smudging the scrawled words at the top of the page: “NEW BLOG IDEAS!!”

“Well,” Non-Blogger walks over to peer at the notebook. “What’ve you got so far? Let’s see… ‘EW OG AS’ What’s that mean? I can’t read it. Ew Og… Ass? Honey, let’s start with not writing any more posts about asses in general. That might help you.”

Blogger raises her weary head, her matted hair spilling over her reddened eyes, the spiral binder imprint in cruel zigzags across her drool-stained cheek. She narrows her eyes at Non-Blogger. “You’re not helping me.”

He sits down beside her and suddenly raises one finger in the air. “Ooh! I can help you! How hard can it be to come up with ideas, right? It’s easy!”

Blogger raises another finger in the air and smirks.

“Okay, I’ve got it!” he snaps his fingers. “How about…our kids! Write about them!”

“Ugh. No no no no no. Been there, done that. I need something fresh and new to write about.”

“Um–cooking?”

“I don’t cook, hello?”

“Food?”

“Bo-ring. Snore.”

“Pizza?” he grins.

“Huh?”

“Is there any left in the fridge? All this thinking is making me hungry.”

“Are you going to help me or what?” Blogger cries.

“Laundry?”

“Don’t even go there.”

“Politics?”

“Very funny.”

“Write about this!” he yells, slamming his hand down on the table.

“What? Are you high?”

“Last I checked, no.”

“Hmm…maybe I can write about this. But you have to know it’s a well-known secret in the blogging world that all of us have writer’s block from time to time so we are doomed to sometimes write about the fact that we can’t write. Other writers get it. They understand. They sympathize.  Except the Good Greatsby. He writes constantly. That guy is not from this earth.”

“Who?”

“Nevermind.”

“So did I help you?”

“Yeah.”

“And we have some pizza left?”

“Get it yourself. I’ve got to go jot this crap down before I forget it.”

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91 thoughts on “Blogger Blues: Part 1

      1. Y’know, it DOES look funny. It sort of looks like it could be a bed. Where I could lie down to die because I have lost the will to live now that I can’t write anymore.

        Come to think of it, all of the words are looking a bit ‘off’ to me lately. Just the other day I forgot how to spell the word ‘writer’. Not a good sign.

      2. Yes, it is too late to send him with Pegoleg to that enchanted land where she eats Dolly Madison cakes, loses 60 pounds, and then wears stilletto heels and vintage designer dresses. Do I sound bitter?

      3. Oh, no! You bitter? That would be like saying I am bitter.

        (leaning in close and whispering low)

        Psst. Just between you and me, I don’t think she’s real. I think her and Greatsby are aliens from another planet sent down here to destroy us both with their amazing lives and writing abilities. Don’t tell Peg I said that though, okay?

    1. Youse (does that word have an “e”?) guys are just plain nutzoid. I’m back here in the frigid north, paler than when I started out on vaca. Is Andy coming to Illinois? I’ll roll out the red carpet for him! (Wait a minute, is he housebroken?)

      Just to be mentioned in the same comment as Mr. Paul is a thrill beyond measure.

      I feel your pain, Darlonica Lake. We’ve all gone through this, but few can write about pain in such a blowing-milk-and-snot-out-the-nose-worthy way as you can. Trying to insert link to my own paltry thoughts on this subject, entitled “I Got Bupkes”. http://wp.me/p18cBy-GG

      1. I have long suspected a little hanky-panky between those 2 oh-so-witty ones. Their writing does rather make me feel like poop on a stick, only less interesting.
        I’m sorry I had to dash out. I had to give those a-holes a chance to irritate me on the hour commute. Good thing I caught up on my reading at “work” today….

      2. Excuse me…. excuse me. Hi. Yes, um – hello. I’m Andy’s mother. That cute little armadillo with the puppy dog eyes is mine. I’d prefer you speak kindly about him. I’d hate for him to stumble upon stories of not being house-broken or a difficult guest. He’s sensitive.

        Oh and uh Darla… I wrote about food today. Boring, eh? Ding dangity, I better think of something better for tomorrow. *sigh*

      3. Lenore, I am enjoying Andy very much, I am just tired from our weekend in Miami, which started and ended with a massive headache. I’ve let everyone that he is, indeed, housebroken – doesn’t eat much, and is well-mannered.

        I enjoyed the ice-cream post today, by the way.

      4. Truth be told, I was remembering your vivid account of writers block when I sat down to write this, Pegnacious. Hilarious poast.

        by the way, this haas nothing to do with anything, but I am currenty typing on this god-awful new-fangled iPad/magical keyboard and I am having the worst time. First, it keeps tryig to get me to ‘copy’ and paste things when I don’t want to…I keep hitting the wrong keys and I end up typing out my responses up inthe toolbar. ARRGGHHHH

      5. k8edid, yes, I too often feel like less than poop on a stick. I wish those two would take a day off one in awhile so I can concentrate on coming up with more fancy ways to say things like ‘me likey chocolate’ and ‘I broke my ass’
        but no! they insist on writing and being funny all the time. What gives?

      6. Lenore, oh you KNOW your post was great with all it’s chocolatey, creamy, Dublin-y goodness. When I said food was boring, I meant it ironically. yeah because my entire post above uses food references all throughout.but then, I am not really sure what ‘irony’ means anymore after Alanis Morrisette ruined it for me with that song.

      7. I feel your tablet pain, Darlita, and suggest they should pass out pain tablets with each purchase (ba dum, dum.). I splurged an extra $100 to get a separate keyboard, and that helps alot. The problem is, I’ve been typing all these brilliant words of bloggy post gold on the new tablet and I can’t figure out how to move them to either of my other computers.

        I guess I could attach to an email or upload straight to WordPRess, but I like to have the whole thing done in Word before I upload – I do NOT like editing on the WordPress dashboard.

        It’s funny (ha ha) that you keep lumping me in with GG – no comparison, I’m afraid, but it gives me something to shoot for. Wonder how he made the leap to the real world of Huffington? Wonder how you’re going to figure out how to get published and/or paid for any of this writing business? Let a sista know if you do figure it out, ok?

      8. You say you have blog gold in them thar files on yer computer? Oh, man! I certainly hope you can figure out how to transfer you posts to wordpress soon (I hate writing in their dashboard too) Did you write about your sunny Florida adventures?

        I have no clue how Greatsby got his Huff Post gig. If your rickshaw plan falls through, I’ll have to come up with something else once I can string more than two thoughts together in this stuffed up noggin of mine.

    1. Well thank you but you don’t want to get to this point, really, it’s very sad. Well, sad to me. To my husband it’s pretty much a non-issue. He is not a writer though, so I can’t blame him. (shaking head)

    1. Thanks, Lisa. I was pretty desperate for something, ANY idea this morning. I got nothing. Nothing! After writing this, I am still drawing a blank. I did call this Part 1 in the hopes that I will be forced to come up with a Part 2 in the near future, but I don’t think I can do it.

      1. Give yourself time and distractions. It will come (says the person who is terrified that she has no ideas for a novel writing course she is taking). I of course am not taking my own advice and am freaking out, but c’est la vie.

      2. I think distraction will help. Usually when I panic like this, I step away from the blog for a week and forget about it (a little anyway) then the ideas start trickling back in slowly. You are so right, Lisa.

        That novel writing course sounds interesting! I’m sure things will kick in for you right away and you’ll do great.

  1. My favorite quote of the moment, even more so because some dude in my mother-in-law’s art class said it (and not Oprah or her alter-ego Toni Morrison):

    “Creativity begins when you can’t have what you want.”

    VERY creative way of writing about not being able to write.
    =)

    1. Tis true, tis true. Very good quote. And I can’t have what I want all the time so I am golden.

      But it’s soooo hard, Stacie. Why must it be so hard? My brain muscles are exhausted. Do brains have muscles? No? Oh, see, I am so very tired I can’t even think now.

      1. It can be such a struggle sometimes. I’ve noticed I’ll get into a pattern where the posts come fast and furious…then Bam! I’ve hit a wall and I’ve got nuthin’. You always have the nagging fear that you’ll ‘forget’ how to write forever, as crazy as that sounds.

  2. Meditate! Meditate on it I say! Ok, maybe not, but even when you write about writer’s block, you have done is so well. Another one down. I, on the other hand, do not have writer’s block right now in regards to an idea- just not sure how I’m going to present it. We’ll see…

    1. Meditation is key to most things. I haven’t done it in awhile though, I really should. It might help clear the cobwebs.

      By the way, I am seeing Meredith this Thursday night for a Reiki share. 😀 Soooo excited! One step closer to volunteering at Dempsey!

      I am off to visit your blog to catch up…

  3. Hahahaa…you make my head hurt all that thudding it against the table.
    You’re totally fine if you can write so well about not being able to come up with anything to write about.
    You rock. You are my hero. You make me glad I’m not a writer! LOL.
    {You saw what I came up with for a post this morning….no one wants to see more pictures of *hockey*, I guess even wanna-be photographers have the blues too!}
    ~d.

    1. Oh, no, I would never want to strangle him! The man is brilliant! Who am I to stand in the way of greatness?

      (leaning in close, lowering voice)

      Psst. Renee. Don’t tell GG this but, sometimes I want to sneak up behind him while he’s writing, then peer over his shoulder and steal every post of his word for word and pass it off as my own. Is that wrong?

  4. I agonized over Sunday’s post. Went to my mother’s and tried to come up with an idea. Stopped by the grocery store…took pictures of roses…it is Valentine’s Day. Use a camera…it fills in when the word inspiration angel is no where to be found. btw lots of views on roses…omg…roses of every shade. I feel your pain. Now what for Thursday? Get into the teacher mode and write a lesson plan!

  5. I really wish I could write about nothing as good as you can write about nothing, Darla. Your lack of inspiration – writer’s block – or whatever you call it – looks great on you. For serious.

    1. Thank you kindly, Lenore. I am feeling so out of sorts I looked for your Dublin ice cream today to cheer us both up but nothing so far. I think they do sell it here though…I could’ve sworn I’ve seen it. I’ll keep looking.

  6. Great post, and I feel your pain. I have nothing for tomorrow and it’s my bedtime now. That means I probably will have trouble sleeping because I’ll be thinking of what I should write about. This goes on every day. I’m sick of it, but I can’t give up in this blogging thing because I love my fellow bloggers ( well, I guess I could just read blogs and not write them), plus Im hoping writing will keep me sharp as I age. Frustrating, though.

    1. Yes! I get sick of it too! Whew! There, feels good to say that out loud, well in written words anyway. I love reading MUCH more than writing. If there was a high paying job out there for blog commenting, I’d be all over it.

      And now I’ve noticed the new wordpress comment notifcation which is great and all, but I feel like I’m being sucked into the vortex of endless social media communication. Now I will NEVER have time to actually write.

  7. I love reading your posts even when you think your not writing. There are so many days that I have to use my phone to write a post so that I can put my ideas into writing. Then after I post I wonder was that pleasing..was it funny..was it what I would want to read..did I put enough thought and time into it. Then I beat my head on anything near to drown the voices in my head. It’s so hard to please ourselves isn’t it?

    1. Yes! Basically writing is an attempt to drown out those voices. You are good for using your phone to write thoughts. I tend to use notebooks. Always jotting some half-baked post idea down here and there. I have notebooks scattered everywhere and it drives my husband batty.

      1. Fraha, I love to take pictures, maybe I should just do more of that for awhile. My header could use a new pic of our backyard with NO snow. Thank you for the idea, and for being so sweet–you’ve lifted my mood quite a bit!

  8. I have seen lots of time, when a person has nothing to write, he/she comes up with something really good. And you did the same. One more nice post is going to be added to that list.
    Welcome to writer’s block Darla. 🙂 I hope you do not have to stay for a long time in that block. 🙂

  9. Posts about nothing can be about everything, demonstrated aptly by your great post and flurry of comments! Seinfeld was supposed to be about nothing too and look how great that was.

    News stories usually set me off on something in my past or something random to jot down. Today I read how British scientists have just finished years of research and have come up with an equation to explain and predict the shape of a ponytail, imaginatively called The Ponytail Shape Equation.

    1. Thanks, Joe! Your Seinfeld comment has me smiling (one of my all-time favorite shows, surprise, surprise) And yeah, writing about nothing can be something, dammit! It sure was agony to go through for this one little post…

      The Ponytail Shape Equation? Are you making this up? I’ve got to trot over to your blog and see what’s what.

      1. All true I swear, it was on BBC website, sounds like an April Fool as they called it the Rapunzal theory too. I’ve not blogged on it as I am still getting over how in a recession money was spent researching that.

  10. Snoring Dog Studio

    Oh, look at you! You wrote anyway and your nothing is better than most writers’ something! You never cease to amaze me. Don’t fret. Ideas will come. Get away from the computer, take a walk, get fresh air. Go some where. And observe and listen. I have no doubt you’ll continue to provide us with hilarious, witty, incredible writing. You’re that girl.

    1. Good lord, you are too sweet, Jean, thank you. Can you be my agent if I can be yours? (not that you need one, but you may need someone to make snarky comments by the punch bowl about art from time to time…)

    1. ‘Stinking’ is the appropriate word, Tori. I actually did write my ‘broken ass’ post in that notebook and happened to have a picture of the event, it wasn’t staged for this post at all.

      (and yes, you is gorgeous always, like I said before, I no lie)

  11. – and then, there was this little gem: “Blogger raises her weary head, her matted hair spilling over her reddened eyes, the spiral binder imprint in cruel zigzags across her drool-stained cheek”.

    When you have a talent for writing, what you write about is not so crucial – but how you write it down. We love your style, and it is always present, so you always offer and enjoyable, funny reading experience 😀

    Also, GG is a young ‘un, still. 20 years ago, I could write on any subject anyday with that stupid confidence of youth on my side. SO, don’t overthink it, Darla. You gots da goods, fer sure.

    1. Spectra, you have completely lifted me out of my miserable writer’s blockness. ‘Don’t overthink it’ is brilliant advice, seriously. Thank you. I will underthink from now on and let things go. You are right, that’s the key.

  12. I took a workshop on this once. They didn’t mention pizza and husbands as cures, but I think the rules are pretty roomy. Whatever floats your boat is fair game. You go, girl.

      1. Ooh, love the name of that workshop!

        Work is great, I did not get the full time job I wanted as they hired an ed tech that was already working in the school 3 years (typical) but they hired me on as a sub part time working with autistic kids, which is what I used to do before I had kids. I will keep job hunting in the meantime. thanks for asking, Barb

  13. Your pain is apparently my joy because I so enjoyed this. I am never, ever short of topic ideas (surprisingly), but my problem, especially lately, is I scrounge for ways to put legs on my ideas. I currently have three half-baked posts lying around that are total dead-ends. Bleh. I feel you, dog.

  14. Non-bloggers, yep, no help. I agree. Totally. And, what’s more? I stew over READING the posts that come into my in box just as much as I do writing each week. Like, today, I was home with Maycee being sick and staying home from school. Normally, I get to read my in box full of posts during the course of the work day and thus come home a thought-filled, happy, working mommy. Today, staying at home with child and Disney channel on full force, I’m still trying to get caught up, let alone last night writing into well past my 11:00PM curfew! Phew! Is there such a thing as blogoholism? 😉

    1. Yes, you hit the nail on the head. It is Blogoholism. I admit that I have it. So sad.

      Staying home with a sick kid AND Disney channel is enough to deal with for one day. But I hear ya, just keeping up with reading the blogs and commenting is a full time job that I wish paid big money. Hope Maycee feels better soon.

  15. I can’t believe you had nothing to say. One good thing about coming late to the party I get to read all the comments so I can say you’re a great writer Darla, and you have a great community of readers.

    Coming East I know what you mean. If you go to bed before finishing the post you can’t sleep but if you stay up too late writing you can’t sleep either…

    Oh goodness I just looked at the time. I had no idea it was so late. I didn’t do anything this evening. I was just trying to catch up on my reading. But I never seem able to do that.

  16. I get that “I will never have an idea again” feeling every time I finish a post. But then, when I finally do get an idea, I feel like I’ve won the lottery.

  17. Pingback: Serious Indeed « The Serious Butterfly

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