You’ve heard of the Bucket List: things you want to do before you die
(bungee cord jumping, skydiving, eat sushi).
Or the current popular Reverse Bucket List: things you’ll never do before you die (bungee cord jumping, skydiving, eat sushi).
I introduce to you:
The Dixie Cup List: Insignificant Things I Will Never Do Before I Die
- Reach into the clogged sink drain to pull out the assorted grime and gunk with my bare hands.
- Sleep through the entire night without either a) getting up to go pee b) getting up to pace the floor worrying about my purpose in life c) getting up to contemplate the allure of Justin Bieber and the subsequent downfall of our country as we know it.
- Come to a four-way stop and not break out into a flop sweat over who the hell is supposed to go next and in what order.
- Order a cup of coffee at Starbucks without breaking out into a flop sweat and/or mispronouncing ‘grande’ loud enough to hear snickers from the barista and the entire line behind me.
- Program my DVR to record two shows at once while watching TV at the same time.
- Yell out the awkward phrase, “AWK-WAAARD!” in that awkward sing-songy voice during an awkward moment.
- Tell the difference between any of the Real Housewives.
- Tell the difference between most politicians (that could be considered significant, I suppose)
- Take out the trash (sorry, honey)
- Be able to attempt to get up off the couch without making a sound like I was just punched in the gut. Or whenever I sit down. Or reach for the remote.
- Admit that I can’t see anything most of the time.
- Admit that I can’t hear anything most of the time.
- Admit that I can’t understand most things most of the time.
- Admit that I’m 41 going on 81.
- Listen to any current song on the radio without grumbling to my kids that music died in the early 1990s.
- Stop adding to this list. It could go on forever.