The Dixie Cup List

English: Large concrete Dixie Cup in front of ...
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You’ve heard of the Bucket List: things you want to do before you die
(bungee cord jumping, skydiving, eat sushi).

Or the current popular Reverse Bucket List: things you’ll never do before you die (bungee cord jumping, skydiving, eat sushi).

I introduce to you:

The Dixie Cup List: Insignificant Things I Will Never Do Before I Die

  1. Reach into the clogged sink drain to pull out the assorted grime and gunk with my bare hands.
  2. Sleep through the entire night without either a) getting up to go pee b) getting up to pace the floor worrying about my purpose in life c) getting up to contemplate the allure of Justin Bieber and the subsequent downfall of our country as we know it.
  3. Come to a four-way stop and not break out into a flop sweat over who the hell is supposed to go next and in what order.
  4. Order a cup of coffee at Starbucks without breaking out into a flop sweat and/or mispronouncing ‘grande’ loud enough to hear snickers from the barista and the entire line behind me.
  5. Program my DVR to record two shows at once while watching TV at the same time.
  6. Yell out the awkward phrase, “AWK-WAAARD!” in that awkward sing-songy voice during an awkward moment.
  7. Tell the difference between any of the Real Housewives.
  8. Tell the difference between most politicians (that could be considered significant, I suppose)
  9. Take out the trash (sorry, honey)
  10. Be able to attempt to get up off the couch without making a sound like I was just punched in the gut. Or whenever I sit down. Or reach for the remote.
  11. Admit that I can’t see anything most of the time.
  12. Admit that I can’t hear anything most of the time.
  13. Admit that I can’t understand most things most of the time.
  14. Admit that I’m 41 going on 81.
  15. Listen to any current song on the radio without grumbling to my kids that music died in the early 1990s.
  16. Stop adding to this list. It could go on forever.

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103 thoughts on “The Dixie Cup List

  1. LOL Love it! Thanks for the belly laugh this morning. I swear I just finished doing #1 on my boys’ sink drain (I should get hazard pay for that!!) followed by hand-cleaning around their toilet rim and surrounding wall space (more hazard pay!). Without gloves. I’m done with my chores for the day. DONE, I tell you.

    1. My husband teases me about my aversion to cleaning. I will clean if I have a hazmat suit on. He’ll reach in the kitchen sink and pull food out with his bare hands. blech! He’s a brave soul (so are you)

      1. I called my oldest son in because I love to see his gag reflex in action (he has a very sensitive one). When he saw what I pulled out sitting in the sink and covering my index finger, I thought he was gonna puke. It was a good laugh. I’m missing the eew-gross gene, apparently…

      2. Ugh! I can’t even think about the bathroom drain. I have a hard enough time just with the kitchen drain with FOOD in it. Good god….no no no. I send my husband in there with gloves and tongs to clean that one.

  2. I break out into a sweat at Starbucks when I realize I am spending $4 on a cuppa that isn’t nearly as good as the cup I made at home and left on the kitchen counter in my travel mug.

      1. Personally, I think it is a Republican plot to keep folks in abject poverty. Plus they burn their damn coffee! I guess that’s why it’s so expensive — to pay the electricity on the over-roasting.

      2. Y’know, I often wonder why sometimes it tastes remarkably like burnt poop. But I’ll drink it anyway, each sip thinking, ok, maybe it’ll taste better with the NEXT sip. Nope. But it’s expensive so it MUST be good.

  3. Reach into the clogged sink drain to pull out the assorted grime and gunk with my bare hands.
    –Did this once, never again. I literally, not lying, puked for five minutes. Sad part? It was my own hair that I pulled out of the drain. My husband was rather confused by my hysterical reaction.

    Come to a four-way stop and not break out into a flop sweat over who the hell is supposed to go next and in what order.
    — Same issue..i just sit in my car in horror..thought I was the only one who can’t figure it out. Supposedly it’s the first person at the intersection, but how are you supposed to know this if you are NOT the first person at the intersection. It’s not like I have spidey sense allowing me to track the intersection and know who showed up first.

    1. My husband explains it to me as this: the first person there, goes first. Then each car must proceed in a clockwise fashion. The one on the left goes and so on. But what if we all get there at the exact same time? Well, in my case we all sit there staring at each other for an eternity until one of us waves another on, then we both start to go at the same time because we’re confused as to who was waving who on…and yeah, it’s all just stupid.

  4. Snoring Dog Studio

    That’s what I need. An insignificant list – but, unfortunately, my won’t do’s would require an industrial sized trash bin. I do so many insignificant things during the week that keep me from doing significant things. Getting angry about the things that politicians say during campaigns is one. Here’s to making 2012 more significant!

    1. I hear you, Jean. I just can’t watch the news or anything to do with politics much lately. I try to get all my news from the blogging world. It’s much more positive here and filled with more intelligent people.

  5. haha Thank you for the laughs and smiles. Now I can break away get off to work with my home brewed coffee. So…I’m not missing out plunking down too much cash for a Starcups….er, it’s early… Starbucks?

    1. You are not missing a thing, Georgette. I stopped going to Starbucks a few years ago and added up all the money I saved and it was close to three million dollars. Not to mention all I’ve saved in therapy bills concerning my anxiety at ordering a grande latte.

  6. When I’m feeling unsure of myself, I treat myself to a Starbucks. I march right in, walk up to the counter and, in a firm, self-assured voice say “I’d like a small cup of coffee.” I’m in charge of my life – take that, smug, mind-controlling baristas!

    I nominated you for the Funny-As-Hell Blogger Award, My Darlona. You know where you can go to pick it up.

      1. Elyse, I’m going to host self-affirming, life seminars for people who are easily intimidated. We’ll do those exercises where you fall back and have somebody catch you. Then, in order to graduate, I’ll take participants on a field trip to Starbucks and make them order coffee in small, medium or large. Think I can get $250 a head for this scheme?

    1. Please tell me I can pick it up at Starbucks where you’ll be waiting at a table with two piping hot venti/vedi/vici half caf skim frappuccino light latte no foam lots of whipped cream and a cherry on top.

      1. Whenever I see those words I think of the Latin quote: I came, I saw, I conquered. Can I just buy you a cup o’ joe and a milk shake? Do the two have to be combined?

      2. Darlfur, can you come out and play? I don’t WANT to do any of the work on my desk. Why did the Geography Gods put Illinois so far away from Maine, so we can’t get together for cocktails (or, given your kids situation, get together for McFlurries at the local Mickey D’s that has a playroom). Why is life so hard…Why????

        1. I know! And we could hide some cosmos inside an empty McFlurry cup and no one would be the wiser! (well, until we ended up drunk and stuck inside a plastic tube bridge 30 feet in the air or drowning in the ball pit) May I suggest you put the work away. Pssbt. Who needs a paycheck, right? Not when there’s mindless blogging to be had. And you really need to go over to GG’s and respond to my clever reply. I think I’ve successfuly pitted you two Blogging Gods against each other. Once you are both killed off, maybe WP will finally list my blog under the ‘humor’ and the world will be mine. All mine!!

      3. Who you callin’ mindless? I SAW your clever quip over at GGs (and, by the way, congrats on being immortalized on his blogaversary), and snorted coffee all over (Clean up on aisle 6 here?). But I’ve already made about 20 comments on just that one post and if I make any more I’ll look like, at best, a pathetic loser with no life of her own and, at worst, a dangerous psycho who wasn’t really kidding with the Paul-suit comment.

        As it is, I’ll probably soon be unemployed. And when you work for yourself it’s a pretty sad commentary when your boss says you’re worthless as an employee.

      4. You work for yourself? Sweet jesus! Can I have a job? I’m still holding out hope GG will offer me part time employment coming up with half-baked captions…or at the very least, he can hire me to type his posts. I’m very good. 200 wpm.

        Today has been the best day of my life. First Jim was immortalized in all his Justin Bieber-shag glory over at Angie’s and now GG’s entire audience of thousands know that Renee and I had an extremely private conversation where I admitted that stealing was not beneath me. How did GG get wind of this? Did you tell him? You guys are in cahoots, I just know it.

    1. I hear you, Margie. I finally figured out how to make a ‘series’ recording of only the new episodes of House, but when I sit down to watch it, the only thing I can find that’s been taped is 20 episodes of Storage Wars.

  7. Your Mojo’s back! (It never went away though)

    You don’t eat sushi, I can’t get enough, though it would be nice to eat it fresh as unless it’s caught off the River Thames it ain’t that fresh (and I don’t want Thames Sushi). With you on the Bungee/skydiving thing, I can’t think of anything worse, I extreme things up by adding more chilli flakes to a meal and that’s about as exciting as it gets.

    Don’t do the drain, I did this once in a rental, years of clogged up hair in a drain outside, I pulled out what looked like a Tina Turner wig and the stench was the kind that makes you retch on cue.

    So many excellent points, please go on!

    1. Thanks Joe, I hope my mojo is coming back. It’s taking forever to get here. I’ve noticed that most of my posts now are lists. The more succinct the better. I am running out of words lately. And, hey, at least the reader can see the end coming from a mile away with a list.

      I’ve tried fake sushi before (California roll I think it was called?) it was good. I was thinking about that episode of the Simpsons when Homer ate the poisoned sushi. I might steer clear of something like that.

      Your Tina Turner wig comment is equal parts horrifying and hilarious. Well done.

      1. Your lists are hilarious!

        I would only avoid octpus sushi, it’s like chewing a rubber tyre.

        I will never forget that drain, there were 6 of us in that house and it had been a rental for years before we got there. You’d shower and be standing in a foot of water by the end of it. Enough was enough, and I went armed with a coat hanger, it was so gross. I think everyone should have shaved heads to avoid blocked drains in future

      2. See, that right there is a memory you will cherish for a long time to come. I think I recall my husband using a coat hanger once but I ran out of the room screaming before he could show me what he found in there. Just imagining it was enough.

  8. I Love 4-Way stops 🙂 The mere hint of a challenge to my driving entitlements gets my Irish up and pumping for a fight in the form of a 4 car pile-up. I get there, eye the other drivers….inch my car forward and wait, tailpipe huffing with smokey agression. “You go ahead, mister – you just try it! Try pulling out ahead of me –“. I inch forward, hit the breaks, just to goad someone else into thinking it’s their turn to move. Stand off. We can sit here all night. I’ve got time…The second the guy who got there 3rd budges, I am all over it – slam the gas and shoot out into the middle of the intersection, then brake. Brake hard. Block anyone else from going anywhere. Claim my real estate… Maybe change my mind and reverse a few feet, then act confused… re-do mascara in rearview mirror, purse and moisten lips. Finger comb hair. It’s a joyous opportunity to exert your power over others. If only for a few seconds in time.

    This is an Important List, Darla. Knowing what you will not waste your time on frees you up to focus on the important things. I’m thinking Freshly Pressed material here 😀

    1. See, I do all that stuff too, but it’s completely unintentional. There is a super busy four way stop on the way to my husband’s work (in front of an airport, not that planes are involved in this four-way stop or anything) So I have to force myself to pretend to know what I am doing when I come to the stop. I thought maybe being aggressive would work (like your story) and sometimes, it does. I don’t even come to a complete stop. I approach the intersection tapping my foot lightly on the brake, it keeps the others guessing. Then I squeeze my eyes shut, say a prayer, yell COWABUNGA! or You can never take away our FREEDOM!!! and put the pedal to the metal and gun it like gangbusters. If I make it across in one piece, it’s a good day.

      1. YOU can NEVER take away our FREEEEEEEDOM – while screeching thru – histerical image!

        Now that I know you deal with airport traffic, I would avoid showing signs of any real aggression. It could be misinterpreted, then we will all get to see you on CNN and the Today Show 😀

    2. When I lived in Malaysia, I regularly witnessed traffic in the huge city of Kuala Lumpur resulting from a roundabout — their and others’ solution to the 4-way stop — up ahead getting logjammed with cars who don’t know how to take turns. Seriously. STUCK. Police officers would have to be called in to direct individual cars forward just to get it “flowing” again. One of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen.

      I’ll take a 4-way stop or flashing red lights here in America. ANY day. I drive through them with purpose, no flop sweats. In a crappy mini-van with screaming kids throwing things at the back of my head. It’s not road rage. It’s survival! I had to pee.

      1. I could see where living in Malaysia would help your 4 way stop skills. I have to say, I am getting better now. I have a bit more confidence, I won’t wait for anyone unless it’s not my turn. I just GO.

  9. The last part of (2) has got me thinking now. However *did* Beiliebers or whatever they’re called, happen? :/

    And (6)…*makes mental note to never EVER do it even though after reading this post, it’s stuck in my head and just WAITING to happen*

    1. I’m not even sure what a Beiliebers is but I’m really scared now.

      Number six is something my kids do all the time now. And not just with the word awkward. They use other words like: LAME! RIDICULOUS! EMBARASSING! (they seem to say these things only when I’m around too which is very unnerving for me…)

      1. ‘Beliebers’ are supposedly what the supporters of You-Know-Who (well, not THE You-Know-Who, as in not He Who Must Not Be Named. Just…Mr. Beiber) call themselves. I know *shakes head sadly*

        Oh I’m sure they love you. A lot. Like really a lot. It’s just a coincidence :/

      2. Is it also a coincidence that they roll their eyes whenver I walk into the room?

        I have to give them kudos though as they do not like Justin Bieber. So far. I am keeping him on my list of Things to Never Expose My Kids To along with chicken pox and strange dogs on the street.

  10. This was a stellar list and I could add nearly every one to my own Dixie Cup List (love that idea, by the way).

    I’m convinced that either Justin Bieber or Ryan Seacrest (or most likely as a tag-teaming unit) will takeover the world and it’ll be much like the return of Stalin and Lenin but with really bad music and chitchat.

    1. Ryan Seacrest. Ugh. That guy has the incredible knack for getting me to change the channel at lightning speed the nanosecond I see or hear him. How did he ever get to be so famous? Why can’t we get to be that famous, Angie? The world is so unfair.

      1. Elyse, you clearly don’t know me well enough. I’m so annoying that I annoy myself. And I’m quirkier than George Costanza. On a bad day, I could make the Kardashians seem like the Amish.

        Wait, why am I trying so hard to convince you of this?

    1. You and me, both. As far as I can tell, a small is a tall (you’d think it would be a ‘short’) and a medium is grande (I will always pronounce it grand) and a gigantic ginormously gargantuan is venti. THey have a secret size not many people know about, the wheelbarrowe (wheelbarrow pronounced wheelbarrow-a) and also an IV Drip (IV Drippe)

  11. Love your list! And look at all the comments you got. Obviously a lot of other people loved it, too. See, you touch a lot of people with your writing. You can go far with it. And you will remember me as being one of the little people who encouraged you.

    1. Well, most of these comments are from me. 😉 Susan, I will always remember you. One of my first commenters! Seriously, your encouragement keeps me going and chugging along.

      I am actually going to finally go back to that book I am in the midst of writing (seems everyone these days is writing a book)

      I think of the Stephen Wright quote: I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

  12. Hahaha– did I ever tell you about the time I worked at a “resort” (i.e. series of rental cottages in driving distance of some hot springs) and was expected to clean the bathrooms using nothing but a minty-smelling spray and my bare hands? Somebody clogged both the toilet *and* the tub drain after 2 days of me working there. I used an extra spatula to fish out all sorts of awfulness from both drains, and then I promptly called my mom to come pick me up (from 3.5 highway hours away). Still gives me nightmares. I hope the owner of those cottages ended up using that tainted-with-all-sorts-of-unholy-things spatula for her scrambled eggs afterward. She deserved it!!

    Thanks for bringing up those traumatic memories for me. Aside from my impending need to enter therapy, this was a great post! 😉

    1. Oh my! Haha! And mwah ha ha! And ewwww! But really: hahaha!

      I worked as a housekeeper back when I was 16. The woman training me handed me a toothbrush and told me to start cleaning the disgusting toilets with it. I quit the next day.

  13. I think what is remarkable is that I speak in Starbucks speak even when I’m not ordering a drink there. The other day I said something to my kids and added, ‘Wouldn’t that be grand?” But I pronounced grand like ‘granday’. They looked at me weird.
    If you ever figure out how to program your DVR for 2 shows and watch TV, promise to write a whole blog post about it.
    I think I’ll come up with a Red Solo Cup list!

    1. See, I can never get ‘grande’ right. Sometimes I do manage to add the ‘ay’ on the end but I pronounce grand ‘grand’ not the more sophisticated sounding grond. I have no clue do I?
      The DVR thing is and always will be a mystery to me.

  14. Love this list! Program the DVR? I had to text my husband just the other day for directions on how to turn on the TV! First, I tried to figure it out myself but ended up calling China because I discovered that I had the cordless phone in my hand, not the remote … well one of three remotes. I’m a Starbucks wimp – I just order a “Tall” coffee because I’ve felt the shame of mispronouncing “Grande.”

    1. Amiable, you are lightyears ahead of me with technology. I would have been stumped with just trying to text my husband. I still haven’t managed to send out a single coherent text in my entire life. I’m all thumbs. (ba dum dum)

      We have four remotes for our one TV. My husband is in heaven while I think it’s just plain cruel. And our phone does look and feel exactly like a remote, so I could see myself mixing that up like you did as well.

  15. This is frickin’ frackin’ brilliant, Darla! Oh my gosh! This will be FP’d .. for sure! Ha’larious! I was laughing at the bucket list examples followed immediately by the reverse bucket list containing the same items… I never stopped laughing. Dang girl, you are some serious funny.

    1. I live for this kind of comment, Lenore. I can die happy now, thank you. 😀

      by the way… Jim told me that they DO sell Dublin ice cream here, he swears he’s seen it. Now I just have to figure out how to ship it to you without it melting or being inhaled by me.

  16. I once went to a Starbucks with an ITALIAN guy who was visiting FROM ITALY, and the pretentious counter person tried to tell him his pronunciation was wrong.

  17. Love it. I want a Dixie cup list. First on mine would be “unclog a toilet”. I will handle all other gross tasks in the household but the toilet is my husband’s gig. It needs to be attended to frequently. When he’s at work and can’t fix it, I tell the kids to just go outside.

    1. JM, so good to see you! Your Van Halen post sent me right back to those early MTV days. sigh. When they showed music videos.

      The plugged toilet is like doomsday around here. I totally panic if my husband’s not home. Yup, kids–looks like we will be roughing it today! Pee outside or hold it!

  18. I can’t begin how much gunk, crap, and ahem, other stuff I’ve cleaned out of toilets, sinks, etc. You wouldn’t have made it, my friend! I love your list. Creative as always.

    I may have to steal, I mean borrow, this for a future post.
    Just two words for you – D-Woww!! 🙂

    http://www.mjmonaghan.com – my new home
    @mjmonaghan_

    1. OK, MJ. What in the world is going on? I subscribed to your new site and I still don’t receive any email notifications of new posts and you’re not on my WP blog feed. grrr! I’ll have to go visit you the old fashioned way I guess by clicking on your link above. I’ll be adding you to my blogroll too, maybe that will help me…

      1. mj monaghan

        I don’t know what’s going on with that. You know, I’m so techy – um, not at all. Will have to try to figure that out tomorrow. Thanks for letting me know, D.

    1. Ordering coffee is my biggest downfall, Priya. I don’t know if I can carry on with my life but I will try. (glad you stopped by and I may be repeating myself but don’t climb anything. But then, who am I to tell you that when I was out mowing the lawn in my last month?!)

    1. Oh man, you do that too, huh? The other day it was all quiet and I heard this god-awful sound, I looked around thinking, is there an old man in the house? No, it was just me letting out a huge moan because I bent over to pick something up.

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