She’s a Maineiac Greeting Cards

For your kid:  

The day you were born
Was the most blessed day

I cherished you then
In every single way

But now I have to tell you
Something that may sound cold

Get the hell out of our basement
For God’s sake, you’re 30 years old

For your spouse

The day we were married
My heart grew without end

I knew right from the start
I had married my best friend

We’ve been through many trials
Our love still lighting the way

                                                                                  But the economy is pretty bad

So I sold my wedding band on eBay


For your ex-boyfriend

Once we were an item
We thought our love would be enough

But then you cheated on me with that girl
I broke it off– things were rough

Years have passed and now I find
Life for you have been less than stellar

Your Facebook profile says it all:
Lives with 15 cats in my mom’s cellar’

For your treadmill: 

The day I brought you home
You were filled with such potential

I used you nearly every day
In my life you became essential

But now you’re a symbol of regret
I’m no longer a happy camper

Because I paid nearly 600 bucks
For a glorified laundry hamper

84 thoughts on “She’s a Maineiac Greeting Cards

      1. PS: You ever want someone to take that treadmill off your hands (in exchange for a portable hamper of course) you let me know. My husband is aching for one. (His clothes are too much for the chest at the end of our bed)


  1. I need to buy more greeting cards for my exercise equipment. My Bow Flex type machine serves as a semi-closet also…but I think it’s time it moved on, went out on it’s own. There is definitely a niche here, Darla – and you’ve nailed it. Hallmark better jump on the bandwagon and offer more of these consolation-type greeting cards:

    My Darling Husband, Father o’ Four
    You might’ve noticed we’ve gotten quite poor
    With 6 mouths to feed it got me ter thinkin’
    While you was out in der shed all a drinkin’
    I up n’ sold Lil’ Betty Sue Jean
    She brunged in a hunnerd $ fourteen
    I paid ther cable bill, an’ ya may think it queer
    But you be forgettin’ cus now you gots beer.
    If things don’ improve, jes leave it to me
    I ain’ got no problem sellin off der other three!

  2. Our rowing machine wasn’t even useful for hanging clothes because it sat low on the ground. Those commercials should be forced to reveal the real ways you’ll use the exercise equipment – truth in advertising.

    Move over Hallmark…Maineiac is in town!

    1. I bought you at Walmart
      You promised I’d row
      So off to my humble adode, you did go

      But my arms grew weary
      My muscles cramped tight
      I knew that we’d part ways
      Once my clothes hid you out of sight

      (sorry, that’s all I gots)

    1. Oh yeah! I could write a card to my computer next. Or to the internet:

      When we first met
      It was love at first sight
      I spent many a day
      Surfin’ with all of my might

      But now it’s YouTube, Facebook…
      My brain’s all a-Twitter
      “I can’t watch the kids now honey,
      Go call the sitter!”

      I realize I’m addicted
      You’ve taken control
      My fingers are numb
      It’s taken its toll

      I haven’t showered in days
      My house is a mess
      I can’t sleep at night
      Can’t deal with the stress

      Maybe someday I’ll decide
      To give up this crap
      But now I only pray for
      an iPad with a Real Life app

    1. Hahaha! Exactamundo. I don’t know why I had basements on the brain when I wrote this early this morning. (and now I have Fonzie on the brain, maybe because he was 50 and lived above Mrs. C’s garage…)

  3. These are awesome, Darla! Can you write one for fitness DVDs that are presently collecting dust on top of the DVD player? (If you want to customize it, you can even address it to Mr. Tony Horton of P90X fame.) 🙂

    1. Done!

      I have more than a few collecting dust right now. Jillian Michael’s “Break Your Ass in Five Easy Steps!” comes to mind.

      Why is it that when I saw Mr. Tony Horton, all I could think of was Tim Horton’s and their delicious donuts??

      1. You’re starting to sound like a true Canadian, Darla! I was once addicted to their iced cappuccinos and boston creme donuts, but then I discovered a rampant dairy allergy, and um, also bought some P90X DVDs? Look at me, so “in shape” now! 🙂

  4. To my mother-in-law

    I love that you gave birth
    to this wonderful man
    He’s gracious and cheerful and
    Does all he can.
    There’s one bit of irony
    That strikes me as rich:
    For as good as he is
    His sister is one helluva bitch.

    Omigosh! Did I just say that? I hope she doesn’t read blogs.

    1. I’d venture a guess she doesn’t. Good lord, that last line is perfection. Love a poem that ends with a good wallop.

      Damn, Renee, you are on FIRE lately. First your GG-strangling idea gets immortalized on his blog, this after claiming you are too hot to be funny. Methinks you are hot and funny.

    1. I stand corrected. 😉

      Were you really a Trekkie? What is a Trekkie, exactly? Would you believe me if I told you I’ve never seen one episode? I moved out of my parents’ house at 17. Came back at 22. Then Mom kicked me out again at 24. I currently live with her now. Funny how things come full circle.

      1. John Erickson

        ‘Scuse me while I get the can opener for the “Trekkie/Trekker” can of worms…..
        A Trekkie is somebody who adores all things Star Trek. There are sub-species who only enjoy certain show groups – I’m a classic Trekkie, loving the original series and the movies, as opposed to a Next Genner, or the hopeless people who actually liked Voyager/Deep Space Nine/the Scott Bakula horror show. Die-hard Trekkies actually travel the country going to sci-fi conventions – I was an escort and friend to Grace Lee Whitney (just Google her, it’s easier), and have spent lotsa time around George Takei, Walter Koenig, and Nichelle Nichols.
        Then you have the Trekkers, who are Trekkies trying to hold on to some shred of personal dignity. Personal dignity has NO place in true sci-fi fandom. (I’m also a classic Who-ite – Doctor Who from the 60s, 70s, and 80s – and a huge fan of Babylon 5.)
        Check out the original series – it plays all over the dial. Ditto with Next Generation – some episodes are a bit lame, but a lot are REALLY good – one of my faves is “The Wounded”, about a starship captain who can’t let go a war that has since ended. Heartstring-plucking stuff.
        And now I’ll shut up, before I let slip how truly lame I am, like building an exact copy of Doctor Who’s robot do K-9. 😉

      2. I would venture a guess that you, sir, are the King of Trekkies. You don’t like the Scott Bakula ones, huh? Yeah, I can understand that. And you’ve met George Takei? I don’t know what it is about him, but I love that guy. His voice, his deadpan humor (I’ve seen him on Conan O’Brien a lot)

        Would you also believe I’ve never seen one single episode of Dr. Who? (I know, I’ve lived a sheltered life) If there’s a robot involved, it may just be worth watching.

        1. John Erickson

          A robot DOG, no less! Look for the fourth Doctor, Tom Baker, or the (EWWW!) fifth Doctor, Peter Davison. K-9 made most of his appearances in those series.
          Far from the King of Trekkies. A “real” Trekkie was trying to talk me into joining a group called “Starfleet”, where you form a club around a particular “ship” of your own invention. I was totally down with the concept until she told me she needed to find a new job that didn’t interfere with her Starfleet activities. (Um, Miss? Reality is calling, and would like your brain back, thanks!) George turned me onto Cirque Du Soleil following a cruise in 1987, my friend and I courted Walter for a convention we attempted to put on, and I spent a lovely weekend (one among a large number of great weekends) escorting Grace Lee Whitney and Jimmy Doohan’s wife around the coastal shops of Ensenada, Mexico. Not to sound TOO creepy, but I have a jacket she wore on the cruise while she was rehearsing her singing act (the lounge was FREEZING!). It’s mine – I loaned it to her, and got some shots, so if I ever want to sell it (NOT!!!), I can command a bit of a premium. You know, from those silly folks they call “Trekkies”……

      3. Damn, John. You are living the life, my friend! Any other brushes with fame you’d care to share? I once saw Dolly Parton checking out the hunting department at L.L. Bean’s when I was working there (I worked in women’s, not hunting…) Oh and I saw Kurt Cobain standing outside a grocery store (true story)

        1. All my brushes with fame have either been in the Star Trek or British sci-fi departments. Well, I did get to talk to Johnny Cash while getting a book autographed, but that’s about it. Some of the Brits are really funny folk, especially the gang from “Blakes 7”. (I will be SHOCKED if anybody here has ever heard of the show! 😀 ) Best story I have is of one of the ladies from B7, name of Sally Knyvette. Drop-dead gorgeous, but in the few times I had met her previously, she had seemed rather cool and aloof. We took a fellow actor of hers, Michael Keating, off to the Indiana beaches off Lake Michigan, and on the way back, got a bit silly over inventing tours and taste tests at a sewerage treatment plant. So that night, in the hotel bar, Michael is regaling Sally with all the weird ideas we had come up with, and Sally is just listening with a stunned look on her face. Michael finishes, she asked him just what kind of place we were talking about, and when Michael repeated that it was a sewerage treatment plant, Sally belts out at the top of her lungs “What, a SHIT factory?”! Totally out of character, and completely devastating – I gouged my side falling off the booth’s bench against another table, and a couple of the girls present had to excuse themselves due to “leaks”. Great fun!
          Then there was the great “cathouse” flub from Grace, but that’s another story for another time. 😉

  5. Excellent greeting cards! We have one of those machines that you hang upside down on and its supposed to stretch out your back. It does, and then all the blood rushes to your head and your head explodes. In any case, it has become a very nice clothing storage unit for me.

    1. I have never heard of the head-exploding exercise equipment. At least you’re getting some use out of it now. I don’t even need any help in the head-exploding area–most days I just get up and it happens while I’m waiting for the coffee pot to finish.

  6. John-Paul

    I was feeling quite smug about the whole gym equipment thing until someone brought up work out DVDs. They’re like spare change behind the couch cushion; surely every household has a work out tape or DVD that “fell down” behind the TV?

    1. Kate! (can I call you Kate??) What in god’s name are you doing lifting your head?! You lay back down and rest. We don’t want any more fever-induced posts (well, actually, those are the most fun to write aren’t they?) Feel better stat.

      And I am thrilled that you, The Poetry Queen liked this, because it is a pretty sad attempt at poetry compared to you.

      And how did you know my middle name? Seriously, did I tell people this? I don’t remember. But I love it. Some people call me DJ or Deej even. Feel free.

      1. You told me, dear, when I was whining about not having a middle name. Seriously, I don’t have one. You offered me yours. I think you and I should sponsor a pathetic poetry contest. What do you think?

      2. Ah, yes! I remember I offered you mine…and you didn’t accept it as I recall (smart move)

        I would LOVE to sponsor a pathetic poetry contest with you. But yours aren’t pathetic so that’s kinda a problem….hmm.

        I almost wanted to make everyone leave their comments to this post in bad poetry form but now it’s too late.

    1. The ex-boyfriend one was the hardest one for me. I just read it again and I still feel like I should edit it. But if you like it, screw it. All of these cards are based on actual events. (except the selling of the ring on ebay)

      And yes, please, call up the direct line to the FP guys and tell them that because you’re a Featured Blogger now, they need to do what you say, and you hereby deem this post as worthy. I think the Freshly Pressed thing for me is like some long-ago dream I had. Not sure if it even happened, maybe it was a hallucination.

  7. This is so timely. I just had a talk with my 24-year-old about her making herself a little too comfortable in my home, now that she’s a college grad and jobless (and not in a hurry to find a job). Maybe i can just give her one of your cards!

    1. Sue, heck yeah. I would even be willing to edit it to your liking. I could always switch up the age…the place of residence (either basement, attic, apartment above the garage, in-law apartment, shed out in the backyard, treehouse…) Have faith though, eventually she will leave. You just don’t know when.

  8. I knew it was time to get rid of the tread mill when I started decorating it for the seasons. But if I sell it (along with your card, funny lady). What’ll I do with the St. Patrick lights wrapped around the posts?

    1. Whoa! You have just given me all sorts of ideas for my treadmill now. I could make it really festive, maybe I’ll keep it after all. I could drape xmas lights on it…hang Easter eggs…light some Fourth of July sparklers and torch the damned thing…

    1. Thank you Hot One! And I hear you on the stupid iPad. I just got a new tablet thingy and it is hell I tell you, pure hell. I can’t figure out how to type, where to type. Why it’s making me copy and paste all the time. It’s a nightmare. I had to resort to typing this reply out on our old dinosaur computer.

  9. Snoring Dog Studio

    Sell them! They’re hilarious, girl! Every one of them. I so prefer these to the typical nonsense I find in the stores. You have a career here. Pay attention.

    1. That would be a dream job for me. I’m surprised you don’t have your own line of greeting cards with your amazing paintings. Too bad we couldn’t collaborate, but my bad poetry would be a terrible match for your art.

    1. Mundane in my world? Never! Thank you so much for thinking of me. Off to check it out. I have to admit I am going to watch the Oscars tomorrow (a guilty pleasure of mine) Now if you tell me you have a ticket to see it, like the Grammy’s, I will be jealous of you for an eternity.

    1. The ex-boyfriend one cracked me up too and I rarely laugh at my own jokes. (ok, that’s not true, normally I am the ONLY one laughing at my own jokes…) I’m very happy you enjoyed it, Cultural Life.

  10. Pingback: K8EDID’s Incredibly Tasteless Greeting Cards | k8edid

  11. Pingback: I Wish I Was in Tijuana, Eating Barbequed Iguana in the Sauna | She's a Maineiac

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