Every winter it happens. After five months of being stuck inside because of bitter cold and icy, snowy weather, things can start to take a dark turn. You may find even the tiniest things start to grate on your nerves. You may find Angelina Jolie’s smirk and ridiculous leg-to-the-side stance at the Oscars has you steaming mad enough to throw the remote through the HDTV screen. You may find that you are one step away from going out for walk, then hitching a ride to the airport so you can buy a one way ticket to Aruba, which is $468 on JetBlue departing Portland Feb. 29th at 12:15 pm. You may even find yourself taking that precarious detour down the road of no return where hatchet meets the bathroom door and “Here’s Johnny!” becomes your battle cry.
I am a born-n-raised Mainer, so I understand your plight. I get what happens to your normally mild-mannered mind. I can help you.
So please, put the hatchet down and we’ll get through this together. Here’s a few things that might enable you to survive until that heavenly day when it’s warmer than 50 degrees, the birds are chirping a glorious tune, the leaves are finally budding on the trees and you can finally retire the snowblower (around July 4th here in Maine).
*Get Exercise. Can’t afford a treadmill? Don’t want to go outside for a walk and some fresh air so you can guess how many seconds it will take for your eyeballs to freeze solid? I’ve got a plan that will not only give you a healthy dose of adrenaline and keep you warm, but will entertain you, your family and friends for years to come. First, strip down to your birthday suit. (Leave your sneakers on, we don’t want to run the risk of injury) Next, make a mad dash outside and run in circles, waving your arms in the air and screaming, “Freedom!”–either around your house so the neighbors can get a good view or preferably down the road so that you have a better chance of outrunning the cops.
*Get a Change of Scenery. After being arrested, refuse the posted bail and your one phone call home. Just let your cares fade away as you slip into the cozy orange jumpsuit and sit back to enjoy your new digs.. Soon you’ll be led into an 8 by 8 cement cell with one tiny window and a toilet. Sit down and the freedom will begin to wash over you like Niagara Falls; the memory of being cooped up inside a house with two little kids and your half-delirious husband a distant memory.
*Engage your mind. Finally start and finish that 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle of two polar bears playing volleyball while eating vanilla ice cream and drinking milk during a blizzard.
*Pretend to be your cat. Face it, no one can do ‘mildy annoyed and completely self-absorbed’ better than your cat. Yet they’re always content, even during the winter. Almost like they don’t give a crap about anything. Take their lead. Find the nearest sunspot, shove the cat over and lay down to curl up in a ball. Ahhhhh…see, it’s okay, really! You’ll be just fine here. I promise. Remember the sun? Yeah, soak it up….let it warm you, let its magical rays and vitamin D recharge you. Then spend the rest of the day in that exact spot, only moving to scratch yourself occasionally. Summer will be here before you know it. Although the cat will have hitched a plane to Aruba.
*Play a game. Take a swig of wine (or NyQuil if need be) every time you hear the endless loop of the following whines: “I’m bored….” “There’s nuthin’ to do…!” or “Me no likey snow anymore! I just want to die! Please just put me out in the field and let me freeze to death so I can finally escape this frozen hell on earth…” Then apologize to your husband and kids for all of your constant complaining. Then take another swig. Repeat ad nauseam.
*Write a Book If you’re fresh out of ideas for something original, rewrite a book, such as any of the Twilight series. This time make it with less vampires and more actual interesting words to read. Please. Do it for me.
*Practice your math skills. Come up with a new theory that explains how many nanoseconds it takes before you reach that point of spontaneous Mommy Combustion. So far I’ve got:
M X (number of hours in a day) X+Y + pi
2x 300mg. = Mommy Meltdown
M=Mom x=kids X=Number of extra strength Advil geltabs Y= number of hours left in the day pi= slices of pie she can consume while hiding in the pantry
And if any of these suggestions don’t work, just wait a few months. The weather is bound to change eventually.