The following is a recent phone conversation with my 78 year old mother:
Phone rings forever, finally picks up
My mom: (long pause) Hello! HELLO!
Me: Hey–
HELLO?!
Hey, Mom. Me and the kids are gonna-
Whaddya want!
I’m heading out to pick up some pizza so-
WHAT?
I SAID THE KIDS AND I ARE GONNA GO OUT TO PICK UP SOME PIZZA, SO DID YOU WANT–
Pizza! Oh, god, no! I had some pork chops last night. Fried it up with some olive oil…no buttah, you know how I’m tryin to lose weight…a little onion…some peppers…some Mrs. Dash. Oh! GOD! It was too spicy. Too spicy. You know I can’t have spicy. Well, maybe you don’t know, you never come over or talk to me these days. I’m just here all night. All alone. I could have died last night and no one would have known for days. Maybe weeks. But here I was last night, wide awake because of that damn Mrs. Dash I had. Stomach was all upset…
Ma…
…worst pain I’ve had in all my life…
Ma…
…bowels were all tied up in knots…
Ma!
Mrs. Dash! Oh, I dashed all right. Dashed to the bathroom all friggin night long is what I did. Oh gawd! It was terrible!
Oh, god….jeez, Mom!
It was 3 am before my stomach settled down….
Mom, look, I’m in a rush so I need to know if you–
…so I made myself a pot of coffee, cuz coffee helps me sleep ya know, I don’t care what they say…
Uh huh.
…and I watched a little TV, some of that Kenny Chesney. Oh, jeez! He’s awful. Always wearing that stupid hat. What is he trying to hide under there? But I love that other guy, the other country singer. Whats-his-face. You know the one!
Uh…
Oh, come on! You know that guy! The other guy!
Listen, Mom, I–
Keith Urban! That’s the one! He’s a good young man. Good looking, too. Married to that gawd-awful tall and skinny actress with the big chest. Pbbstt. She is so ugly!
Yeah.
And then I watched the CNN and OH MY GOD! That Mitt Rumney is gonna be president!
Oh, no, I don’t think so. I think–
Oh, yes HE IS! People always vote for the handsome guy. The good looking guy always wins and Rumney’s very good looking. Gah! I can’t stand that man! Thank the good lord above it’s not gonna be Newt the toot! God, he’s just terrible. Horrible, horrible man. He just runs around, cheats on his wife, his wives, his floozies, whoever or whatever god-forsaken poor pathetic woman who will actually sleep with him. God!
Yeah, I’m happy he’s–
But it’s just not right! Obama is the best president we’ve had in a long time! Well, maybe not, but he’s a helluva lot better than that idiot Bush. Gawd! And they’re sayin Obama should fix the gas prices! It’s near FOUR DOLLARS A GALLON! Did you know that? Oh, you probably did. Is that why you don’t take me anywhere? I am going stir crazy here. I need to get out. I’m going crazier than a squirrel trapped in a coffee can. Can you take me to the dollar store? Then I have to stop at the doctor’s so she can tell me this chest pain is all in my head and charge me more money! Jezum-crow! I’m just an old lady! I am broke! And she tells me she wants me to sign a living will. Yes! Well, of course I will, you moron. I want to die. Give me the damn pen, where do I sign? Can I put that in writing at the bottom? P.S. Don’t bring me back, whatever you do, doc. Just let me go! I don’t have much longer ya know, Darla. Could be days for all I know. Do you remember where my safe deposit box is?
Yeah. Look Ma, about the pizza–
And the key to it?
Uh huh.
And I don’t want any fancy-schmancy funeral. Just throw me in a box and dump me in the river down the road.
Ah, no, Mom, I don’t think they’d let me do that…
No? Hmm…
So–
So the gas is four dollars a gallon! So they blame, who else, Obama! Gawd! The poor man! He can’t fix everything for chrissake!
Ma! Did you want some piz–
…so now he’s to blame for the gas! Can I blame him for my weight gain too? Oh, I know! it’s HIS fault I ate those potato chips the other day! It’s just not right. Country is too busy pumping a giant handcart to hell. Same people always getting rich while the rest of us can’t afford a damn pot to piss in…
Uh…
…did you know what I saw on Dr. Oz the other day?
MOM!
WHAT! What do you want anyway!
I AM CALLING TO ASK YOU IF YOU WANT SOME PIZZA!
Pizza? Oh, god, no–you know I can’t have gluten.
phone clicks, dial tone
She's A Maineiac 
I love your mom and your patience. And, anyway, everything she said was brilliant and on point. The current and future administration needs her as an advisor.
I do have loads of patience. And this was one of the milder conversations. She usually gets more riled up.
She should start a blog, it sounds like it would be a blast!
If only. Course she doesn’t even know what a computer is…and needs help just operating her remote. She’s pretty oblivious to technology. Must be nice!
My mother goes on about her mother on the phone to me. I take pleasure in telling my sister that she’s gonna turn out like the pair of them. I’m ok having no kids that I have no one to pass my traits onto.
Ouch. So what you’re saying is that I am going to turn out to be just like my mother? Is that it? Because you are absolutely correct.
can i get your mom’s number? i had a wasabi encounter the other day and i think we could talk spicy food life problems for a bit. i could take the load off of you there…
Ooh! Wasabi. Yikes.
I’ve had millions of conversations with my mom and she never fails to mention these things:
1)spicy food, her inability to digest certain foods, her imagined allergies to certain foods
2) politics and 3)death. Usually in that order.
This sounds like some of the conversations I use to have with my late father in the last couple of years of his life, though he was a bit rougher (Alzheimer’s). He once called me in the middle of the night to discuss his difficulty with the television, I was in London and tried to explain where I was that month, reminding him of the calendar and who he was supposed to call that week. It did no good, it was funny though.
Your patience is wonderful.
At least you can see the humor in your late dad’s phone calls. That is very important. It gets me through all of my mom’s talks. Her brain is still pretty clear and sharp and I know she’s lucky in that respect because her own mother did have Alzheimer’s.
I’m grateful my Mom and I do not like the phone. I’ll call her to check in, but the conversations are short and sweet. She’s a very independent soon to be 80yr old. If that is what I have waiting for me, I’m all for it. I am certain my detest for the phone will remain.
Your conversation – rather your Mom’s banter – was hilarious!!
Does your mom drive? Mine has never had her license, so she relies on me for pretty much everything and my two older brothers who live close by rarely see her. Plus, she lives RIGHT next door to me. ha!
She lives next door to you?! Really?! Yes, my Mom does drive. Her nickname, and I am not kidding, is Lead Foot Len. She is not your stereotypical ‘Grandma’.
Oh, yes she does. You are lucky your mom drives. Lead Foot Len? That is funny but also scary for you. My mom is a very strong woman, she still gardens, still moves heavy furniture, she’ll live to 100 I’m sure.
You could write a book based on your “Conversations with Mom.” Hahaha! I thought the conversations with my mom were ridiculous, but you have got us beat! So funny!
That would be a great idea! but it’s already been done to death with the Sh*t my Dad Says popularity.
SHE LIVES RIGHT NEXT STORE?!!?!?! I would have quietly hung up and walked over there.
But sheesh, Kim. That requires me going inside her house. And then she’d never let me leave. My kids and I would starve to death, all pizza-less! Believe me, I’ve made that mistake many a time. See, the phone call is quicker.
I think I love your Mom!
I do too, Lisa. I suppose I have to, it’s the Mom Law. At least both of us have the same views on things. I just don’t get to offer mine much. I do nod a lot.
Don’t our parents know that we haven’t called in a week because of the dreaded previous weeks phone conversations? lol
And I live right next door to her, so really is a phone necessary at all? I go outside into my yard and bam, she’s there, yapping full steam.
Why, oh why, would you call your mom and ask if she wanted some pizza? You know what that spicy food does to her. And the gluten? Jezem crow – what kind of daughter are you? Maybe if you called a little more often you would KNOW these things about your own mother, not that she’s complaining. No, she never says a word, just suffers in silence.
Have you had practice with this Mom Guilt, Peg? Because you are very good at it.
(although I don’t think my mom knows the meaning of the word ‘silence’)
Oh Darla, Darla, Darla (shakes head sadly), you sweet innocent. My kids are grown now. Of COURSE I’ve had a wee bit of practice with Mom Guilt.
Why, as I was saying to the president of the Mom Guilt Society at our meeting just the other night, the trick is to SAY how we’re suffering in silence and not acknowledge the irony. And then the MGS president, your mom, said….oops! Don’t think I was supposed to divulge that.
What?! There’s a Mom Guilt Society?! Good gravy! I want to be a sweet innocent again.
Of course, once my kids are finally moved out, I’m sure I’ll never, ever lay a guilt trip on them, right?
this was GOOD!
Thanks, I think it’s the first time I’ve blogged about my mom. She is one of a kind, that’s for sure.
This is hilarious! Your mom is a RIOT!! I love the ‘can I blame him for the potato chips I ate’ line, haha!
She is full of those kinds of lines, Jules. And just dying to let me know about all of them.
Give me her number. Oh Gawd please. I can beat her. I CAN. I KNOW I CAN! My mom did something similar the other day and I screamed my way into her brain to tell MY story, MY day. If you have any feelings at all for me and my blog and my family and my dogs and all the orphans in the world and those poor dogs and cats on the commercials with Sarah Mclalalal you will give me your mom’s number. Tweet it, text it, email it, snail mail it, FB it – whatever. Just SEND ME HER NUMBER.
Oh, Kim. You don’t know what you’re asking! Trust me, just let it go! Run away, run far far away! Save yourself, woman!
Darla now I understood from where you got the humor & intelligence you. You inherited these qualities from your mom. 🙂 It was a really funny post. Your mom is a star. Make her part of your vlog posts and let us give a chance to meet her through your blog.
Aw, thanks, Arindam. I might have to do another installment of her conversations one day in the future. But really, I am nothing like her at all. Ok, maybe just a tiny bit. But don’t tell her I said that.
Ha! Do not worry, I am not going to tell your mom what you said. 🙂
Hi,
Patience is certainly the answer, and you do have plenty, oh and staying calm also helps. 😀
And wine. Lots of wine.
You absolutely killed this. HILARIOUS!
Oh, thank you, Cassie. If my mom ever read this, I’m sure she’d have a different take on things.
The community college where I live is currently offering courses on things like “How to turn on your computer” and “How to reply to emails.” Opening the floodgates for the elderly everywhere to peruse the ‘nets in the very near future! 😉
Oh, no, that is terrible, terrible news. Why, that would mean my own mother could one day stumble upon this post? I am dead meat. Dead, I tells ya.
(I could use the course on replying to emails…is this free?)
That seals the deal! I am definitely going to have to come and meet you and your mother this summer… if for no other reason to hear all about her gluten intolerance and share my inability to eat dairy anymore.
Great piece, as usual. Thanks for the distraction from my own mother right now.
Oh, no, no, no. You reaaaaaaally don’t want to get into a food intolerance war with her–she’d crush you! She once told a nurse she was allergic to sugar. What kind, the nurse asked. All kinds! my mom yelled.
Speaking of your mother, i have to catch up on more blogs later and find out how she is doing.
Darla, you pegged it. Perfect recitation of this hilarious conversation. Isn’t it nice to have a blog? For times just like this? Otherwise the attempted pizza invitation would have just been an annoyance, but with a blog (and your perfect writing) it turns into a great story!
Thanks, Melissa. Really, my life is jam packed with fascinating things like my mom’s conversation. If I didn’t have this blog, I’d be in therapy.
OMG that was hilarious! And sad to say, oh so familiar! My conversations with my mother sound almost exactly like that- minus the country music references – as she wouldn’t know who Keith Urban was if he sat on her. Will we get like that when we’re old? What do you think? Are you listening? You’re so busy these days I hardly ever see you. Can you hear me? Hello? Hello? 😉
Ha! My mom does the “Hello? HELLO?” thing all the time. My favorite is when she leaves a message on my machine, I’m clearly NOT home, but she’ll keep yelling like maybe I’m standing right there and refusing to pick up, “HELLO? DARLA? DARLA! I know you’re there! DARLA??” (sometimes I am there, is that bad?)
She does have a point about Romney – guy with the best hair wins.
I love the “spicy” part. Too perfect.
It is all in the hair. He just might win as Obama is seriously lacking in the hair department. I just love how my mom pronounces Romney, Rumney.
what are parents for if not dumping guilt on those they love???? Now I know why you’re a maineiac….
I didn’t get to this point by accident, that’s for sure.
This is too funny!
This is why I find the humor is most everything. I have to in order to survive.
I love your mom. Gimme her number. I’m up at 2 am. We can discuss you, besides, I want to write down more of her great quotes like, “Jezum crow”
Jezum crow! You were up at 2 am? (so was I…sigh)
I love your mom! My mom and I are so close in age (16 years apart) that I can’t really shake my head at her generation… after all, I’m not so far behind! I like her bit about blaming Obama for the potato chips she ate. Jezum crow! Give the man a break!
Jezum crow! My husband’s mother is also only 17 years older than him, so he has no idea what it’s like to have a mom my mom’s age…but I’m sure his mother will be calling him up to discuss her food intolerances soon enough.
Your mom sounds like a riot. Mine usually gives me the medical update of her friends. Perhaps she’s just bragging that they are still alive, but sometimes……
Oh, yes, she gives me random medical updates all the time. Usually about people I don’t even know. “Y’know Barry, Larry’s brother’s cousin’s nephew! Well, he has prostate cancer, jezum crow!”
Darla’s Mom for President!
I can see now where you get your sparking personality.
I loved this!
Sparking? Is that all I am to you? I can’t even earn the L?
And thank you, my mom is great blog fodder apparently…Jim’s mom makes her debut in my next post.
What is my problem lately? I’ll just chalk it up to inventing new words, taken from the Darla play book.
Ooh! Oh, schnap!
Wait, you’re having Schnapps without me? Make mine a double.
Rough day, eh, Peg? If only we could get together for a Schnapps or two or three…sigh
Please, please tell me what is Jezum crow?! I must know! And, your mom, oh my, so hilarious! You must be the most patient daughter EVER. 🙂
Hehe! Well, jezum crow or jezzum crow, however you spell it…is a favorite Mainah term for a polite yet cranky way of saying “Jesus Christ”. I always thought my mom invented the word but you can google it, it really exists.
Ooooooooh. I want to have a conversation like this with Li’l D when I’m older!
In my world there is no doubt I will with my own kids one day and that day is coming sooner than I’d like to admit.
wow. i had almost this same conversation with mom today. and yesterday. yes, and the day before………… great post! 🙂
Ah, me too. I could just switch up a few details about food and politics and it’s basically the same conversation every. single. day. I’m glad (or sorry) that you can relate! 😉
Your mom needs her own reality TV Show! lol
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Like you and like your Mom. She is a lovely lady. I had lots of laughs. Thanks.
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Maybe your mom should start a blog too, I’d read it!
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