She’s a Maineiac Greeting Cards: Summer Edition

”]Cover of "Road House (+ Widescreen DVD) [...Slightly insensitive cards for the ones you love:For Your Kids:

The days are getting longer
Boys and girls are home from school

Time for one last important lesson
Let’s call it: Mommy’s Golden Rule

If you say the words, “I’m bored!”
She’ll have you wash your father’s socks

If you say it three more times
You can clean the litter box

If you say it yet again
Just to see if Mom goes crazy

She’ll go Roadhouse on your ass
Just like actor Patrick Swayze


For Your Wife:

The time has come again                      
Swimsuit season is upon us

Fear not the dimpled butt and thighs
(Just being brutally honest)

I’ve found the perfect beach outfit
That you really shouldn’t pooh-pooh

It’s versatile and colorful
Mrs. Roper’s ratty muumuu


For Your Girlfriend:

The long cold winter is over
Snow and ice are finally gone

Warmer weather is a-coming
And now you must be movin’ on

Put on your capris!
Put on your shorts!
Knock back some coke and scotch!

Dust off that razor, woman
Damn, you look just like Sasquatch!


42 thoughts on “She’s a Maineiac Greeting Cards: Summer Edition

  1. Oh, Darla – I love these. I grew up on a farm with a large family. You never said the “b” word because you could be assigned barn chores, a day in the 2 acre garden, or laundry duty. My mom finally figured out that I wasn’t misbehaving so much because I was a trouble-maker as much as I just wanted to get sent to my room for a little quiet reading time…

    Love the muumuu and Sasquatch verses as well…you are talented.

    1. My kids are just finishing up their spring break this week and my son said, “I’m bored!” about two hours into the first day. I think he broke some kind of world record. When I was a kid, we went outside and stayed outside from sunup to sundown. We were never bored.

  2. HA! The last line definitely made me snort. You could turn this greeting card business into something HUGE. (My bestie, Jenn, and I, always said we wanted to come up with a line called the Bitter Biddies. But I think several other people beat us to it.)

  3. Snort, snort, giggle, giggle! These are the kinds of cards people REALLY want to get – not that mushy hearts and flowers stuff.

    Is that the coveted lost DVD of The Ropers, in concert? Classic.

  4. I love your greeting cards! An added bonus is the visuals with this one. By the way, I’m currently wearing Mrs. Roper’s muumuu. I changed into it right after I took off my Forever Lazy suit, and I’m finding that it’s equally as comfortable.

    Road House. Eek! I forgot about that giant mullet Patrick sported in that movie. This movie promotional photo had to have been shot at a different time — because if you google-image his mullet in that flick, you’ll see it again in all its long mullety glory.

  5. How I admire you poets. Hallmark will be contacting you soon. (I don’t remember signing a release for you to use my image in the last photo.)

  6. Wowza, Darla– it’s like you wrote most of these cards to me personally! Dimpled thighs, sasquatch legs– I’m touched that you’ve noticed all of these details. 😉
    PS: Sasquatch legs have been taken care of now. I should practically be on a Gilette commercial.

      1. And that what makes you such a great writer, Darla. It’s like you *do* know about all these things, but obviously you’re too perfect to *actually* know about such things in your own life. Your empathy is top notch!

  7. singleworkingmomswm

    OMG, just what a I needed for my work-day afternoon! Took me awhile to get to read, but hilarious-especially Sasquatch. Man, I better get to buying a package of razors. Geez louise! XOXO-SWM

      1. singleworkingmomswm

        Totally. Actually, where I live now on the Central Coast of Cali, I can dress in long sleeves and jeans most of the year. The ocean breeze keeps it cool, and I love it. I hate shaving-such a pain!

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