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Slightly insensitive cards for the ones you love:For Your Kids:
The days are getting longer
Boys and girls are home from school
Time for one last important lesson
Let’s call it: Mommy’s Golden Rule
If you say the words, “I’m bored!”
She’ll have you wash your father’s socks
If you say it three more times
You can clean the litter box
If you say it yet again
Just to see if Mom goes crazy
She’ll go Roadhouse on your ass
Just like actor Patrick Swayze
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For Your Wife:
The time has come again 
Swimsuit season is upon us
Fear not the dimpled butt and thighs
(Just being brutally honest)
I’ve found the perfect beach outfit
That you really shouldn’t pooh-pooh
It’s versatile and colorful
Mrs. Roper’s ratty muumuu
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For Your Girlfriend:
The long cold winter is over
Snow and ice are finally gone
Warmer weather is a-coming
And now you must be movin’ on
Put on your capris!
Put on your shorts!
Knock back some coke and scotch!
Dust off that razor, woman
Damn, you look just like Sasquatch!
________________________________________________________________________________________
She's A Maineiac 
LOL! Too funny. 🙂 The ex-boyfriend greeting card is still my favorite though!
I will never live up to that card again. Living with 14 cats in a cellar? Comedy gold right thar….
Oh, Darla – I love these. I grew up on a farm with a large family. You never said the “b” word because you could be assigned barn chores, a day in the 2 acre garden, or laundry duty. My mom finally figured out that I wasn’t misbehaving so much because I was a trouble-maker as much as I just wanted to get sent to my room for a little quiet reading time…
Love the muumuu and Sasquatch verses as well…you are talented.
My kids are just finishing up their spring break this week and my son said, “I’m bored!” about two hours into the first day. I think he broke some kind of world record. When I was a kid, we went outside and stayed outside from sunup to sundown. We were never bored.
Love these! Absolutely love them!
Hugs,
Kathy
Thanks, Kathy!
Hi,
These are really great, I love all of them. Well Done, and great pictures to go with them as well. 😀
Thanks, Mags. can’t go wrong with the Ropers and Sasquatch.
HA! The last line definitely made me snort. You could turn this greeting card business into something HUGE. (My bestie, Jenn, and I, always said we wanted to come up with a line called the Bitter Biddies. But I think several other people beat us to it.)
Bitter Buddies? That is perfect!
Snort, snort, giggle, giggle! These are the kinds of cards people REALLY want to get – not that mushy hearts and flowers stuff.
Is that the coveted lost DVD of The Ropers, in concert? Classic.
Hmm…is it? I don’t have my glasses on and I can’t make out the print. Could be. I saw them on tour once back in the summer of 78 when they opened up for Molly Hatchet.
These are hilarious! You should put them to music for your next vlog! (just hide your shoes…) 🙂
Susie, there are a few things I won’t do for awhile…vlogging, music videos and exposing my clown shoes to the world.
I love insensitive greeting cards! You should make them! Sometimes I stand in the card isle for hours. My favorites right now are Uncooked. So funny!
http://www.uncookedlandthestore.com/
Figures someone else out there has already thought up some snarky cards and is making money off them, money I am obviously entitled to…
Sasquatch – ha ha ha ha ha!
Where do I order? Seriously .. MJ
And nothing rhymes with Sasquatch except scotch. I’m not good at this rhyming thing!
Wow, Darla, where can I get these cards? You should set up a shop! 🙂 Though I’d like to see one for a husband!
My next installment will be ALL about the husbands out there, great idea, Melissa.
I love your greeting cards! An added bonus is the visuals with this one. By the way, I’m currently wearing Mrs. Roper’s muumuu. I changed into it right after I took off my Forever Lazy suit, and I’m finding that it’s equally as comfortable.
Road House. Eek! I forgot about that giant mullet Patrick sported in that movie. This movie promotional photo had to have been shot at a different time — because if you google-image his mullet in that flick, you’ll see it again in all its long mullety glory.
Yeah–where’s his mullet? That doesn’t even look like Patrick Swayze on the cover, more like Josh Brolin.
You are certifiable, Darla. But in a good way.
Thank you. I think.
I thought Sasquatch was a Diet Pepsi girl…..
She should be, regular coke just adds to her ever-expanding thighs.
It looks like you’ve cornered the greeting card market this season!
No doubt there’s plenty of insensitive cards already on the market.
Are these cards all to be found in the How to Break Up section of the book store?
There should be a section for that. There probably already is.
How I admire you poets. Hallmark will be contacting you soon. (I don’t remember signing a release for you to use my image in the last photo.)
I’m sure there is already another card out there about Mrs. Roper’s muumuu.
These got better and better, Darla! Love the dimples – well, I hate the dimples, but you made it funny. Bravo!! Can’t wait until the Fall Edition.
Oh the dimples are lovely, aren’t they? And we all know WE don’t ever get those do we Lenore? Oh no.
Wowza, Darla– it’s like you wrote most of these cards to me personally! Dimpled thighs, sasquatch legs– I’m touched that you’ve noticed all of these details. 😉
PS: Sasquatch legs have been taken care of now. I should practically be on a Gilette commercial.
Well, of course these were all written with only you in mind, Dana. I have no idea what it’s like to have kids that are bored or dimpled thighs or sasquatch legs!
And that what makes you such a great writer, Darla. It’s like you *do* know about all these things, but obviously you’re too perfect to *actually* know about such things in your own life. Your empathy is top notch!
Thank you, you are right. My empathy is pretty kick-ass.
Nah, that’s not true. I actually am perfect and nothing I write about has ever or will ever happen to me.
OMG, just what a I needed for my work-day afternoon! Took me awhile to get to read, but hilarious-especially Sasquatch. Man, I better get to buying a package of razors. Geez louise! XOXO-SWM
I love winter because I can wear fleece, sweaters and let my legs get a little hairy. So what. Just being honest.
Totally. Actually, where I live now on the Central Coast of Cali, I can dress in long sleeves and jeans most of the year. The ocean breeze keeps it cool, and I love it. I hate shaving-such a pain!
Isn’t it though. If I complain (and lord knows I NEVER do that…) my husband always reminds me he has to shave his face every day. I guess we’re even then.