I’m So Glad We Had This Talk Again, Mom

The following is a conversation I had with my 78 year old mom while driving her around on errands last week.
(Her speech is in bold because her voice usually registers a few hundred decibels higher than mine)

My mom: Oh, God! ACK!! OOF! GOOD LORD! AHHH! HOLY CRAP!

Me: What? You okay?

Huh? Oh, yeah, it’s nothing. I was just trying to get into the damn car! GOD! OW!  It’s so freakin high, I can barely get up in here! OOF! Jeezum, Darla!

You want some help?

No! I’m not that old! I can do SOME things on my own, y’know, God!

(silence)

Are ya gonna help me or what? I’m an old lady for criminy’s sake! Oh, forget it, too late, I’m already in.

So, Mom, I was gonna ask you, do you want to go out for breakfast on Mother’s Da–

Didya hear about Paul LePage? [Maine’s current governor] Says he wants everyone to “get up off the couch and go get a job!” Oh, yeah! It’s so easy, buddy! We should all just stand up, and boom, we can all get a job at McDonald’s for 7 bucks an hour and all our problems will be solved! Want fries with that? Good lord. I’ll take a little extra bullshit with that, that’s what. Jeezum H. Crow.

Yeah. He’s a real–

Jackass and a half. That’s what. His big idea that will solve all the world’s problems is for people to get a piddly job making just enough money to pay for the damn gas it takes to get to the stupid job in the first place. And then what? Would they even have money left over? Maybe a few dollars so they can go buy a freakin can of beans at Food City for 2 bucks. Jeezum crow! The world is going to hell! Sylvia Browne says we have only 100 years left on this godforsaken planet! You know what’s gonna happen first?  The oceans will rise. Yeah. It’s true. Florida will be underwater in 10 years. Mark my words, TEN YEARS! Kiss Mickey Mouse goodbye! It’s gonna be all over for that jerk!  It’s a small world after all, buddy. Good riddance I say…always hated Disney World…happiest place on earth my ass.

Yeah.

Speaking of which, that crazy doctor of mine wants me to get a colonoscopy again!

Oh god.

Now why the hell do I wanna go and do a thing like that? My doctor is a loon. And I told her so. I said, let me tell you something, missy–I am almost 80 years old…and what are you, 25?  Maybe 30? Let me tell ya a thing or two about people my age. Ain’t nuthin worth goin’ round poking down there…

Ma!

…nothing to see there. What’s the point? Jiminy Cricket! Like bacon is gonna kill me now? HA! Why should I care?  I’ll probably be dead next week anyway. Oh, did you see who died last week? OH! GOD! It’s the power of the THREES, Darla. The curse! Always three celebrities die! Always with the threes! First the guy that wrote that crazy kid’s book. Then the hair guy. And now who? Who’s next?

Mom, the guy that wrote Where the Wild Things Are and Vidal Sassoon were like 80-something years old so I’m not so sure it’s a curse that they died, just a coincid–

Oh, it’s a curse! It’s true! Three always die together!

So, Mom, about Mother’s Day, do you want me to take you out for breakfa–

I bet it’s gonna be Elizabeth Taylor!

Ma, she’s dead.

WHAT! Oh no! Oh god! It’s true! The curse of the three!

No, Ma. She died last year.

Oh.

Yeah.

You sure?

Yep.

That’s too bad. Poor thing.

So do you want us to take you out for breakfast for Mother’s Day? We could go to that new restaur–

I bet it’s one of the Golden Girls!

Well, all but Betty White are already dead so…

Her! It’ll be her! Oh, god how I loved her. Such a shame. The poor thing.

Mom, she’s 90 years old so I don’t think that would be much of a shock if she died. Plus she’s still alive.

(silence)

So I was thinking of taking you to brunch this Sunday, sound good, Mom?

(silence)

Mom? Mom!

I can’t believe Elizabeth Taylor is dead. How did I miss that? I check the obituaries first thing every day, you’d think I’d remember a thing like that. Every day I drink my coffee….I eat my toast…I read the obituaries…how could I miss that? Oh, she was so pretty, so so pretty. Married about a million times but still very pretty.  Married that god-awful man twice. Guess once wasn’t enough, gotta repeat your mistakes… What was his name? Oh, you know! That guy! Who was in that movie! That guy!

MOM! DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT TO BREAKFAST WITH ME ON MOTHER’S DAY?

Huh? Breakfast! Oh god no. You know I can’t have gluten.

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101 thoughts on “I’m So Glad We Had This Talk Again, Mom

  1. I love your conversations with your mother. I hope she’s around to entertain us all for many more years…thanks for sharing your Mom with someone who is missing hers and bringing a smile.

    1. This last conversation had me laughing so hard I nearly drove us off the side of the road. This is why, when she talks, I normally just nod and say ‘yeah’ every now and then. I tried to remember everything she said but I’m sure I left out a ton. I have no idea where she gets this stuff.

  2. Come ON!!!!! I’m cracking up. So wish I had written that post instead of dumb Mother’s Day Giveaway post. Although, you would look really cute in the prize dress (it’s even cuter than the plaid jacket–REALLY!!!!”) so don’t forget to enter. And please write something funny in the comments–since so far everyone has been really, really earnest. Anyway, back to your post… hahahahahahahaha. I would love to meet your mother!
    x, Suzanne

    1. Ooh, a contest! Oh you’d better believe I will–I saw your post and the dress would be perfect to wear with my jacket.

      I can’t write mushy mother’s day things about my mom. It just doesn’t suit her at all. So this is sort of my take on a tribute to her. She cracks me up all the time and isn’t even trying.

    1. She is a riot. The stuff she says, really nothing is off topic. It’s always death, food, politics. And I really had to clean up some of the language. Not that she swears like a sailor, but she can throw in a few choice words.

  3. Hi,
    Not a good post to read while I am having my first cup of coffee for the morning. 😀
    I just loved the one sided conversation, that was well worth the read. 🙂

    1. This news about the Golden girls came as a shock to me too. And I have already turned into my mother, so the second statement can be verified as undisputed fact. I once made my sister nearly faint by walking into the store where she worked, because she thought I was my mom who had passed away years earlier.I didn’t know what was going on. The closer I got to her the whiter she got. She was very nearly sick.

    2. (gasp) What?! We do? Jiminy Cricket! Get outta town! (never tell my husband that little nugget of info, ok?)

      Thanks, that hat really brings out the incredulous look in my eyes. I googled ‘two old ladies in a car’ and this picture is what came up and by golly, they look just like us! don’t know what the deal is with that steering wheel though..

  4. “Liz Taylor — poor thing. Jeezum!” What is it your mom says? Ah–“Jeezum Crow! I’ll be dead next week anyway . . . ” OMG, I was howling when I read this. Howling!! I am still grinning. Thanks for the laughter!

    1. They could make a reality show all about her. Just sit her in front of a camera and ask her a few questions. Hell, you don’t even need to ask, or say anything at all. She’ll do all the talking.

  5. Your mom sounds great. I wasn’t drinking when I read it, so I’m still all dry and in tact. Avery (my dog) wonders why I am loudly laughing out of the blue like this. It must seem so random to her. It makes me feel bad when I make her this nervous and uncomfortable.

    1. Let’s just say, my mom’s got her opinions. And thinks they are fact. I have no idea why people think I’m just like her.

      I am happy you weren’t drinking but very sorry your poor dog had to take the brunt of your laughter.

  6. Vidal Sassoon died? Holy mackerel! What’s this world coming to? Angus isn’t the governor anymore? I met him once, ya know; down to the habah at the icecream shop. He was pressing the flesh.

    But seriously, thanks for the laugh. Once again, especially when it comes to the topic of mom, I really needed it.

    1. I miss Angus. He is running for state senatah though, ayuh. Olympia Snowe has quit. So he’ll be back, I’m shur, ayuh.

      I’m happy this little post made you laugh, I know what a tough time you’re having lately.

    1. Disown you? Never! You will always be loved. Or be beloved. You might still have lots of cats but then, so will I. I have a feeling I’ll be pretty outrageous in my old age, what with the stuff that I spout off about now and I’m only half my mom’s age.

  7. I know! Start a twitter feed called “Shit My Mom Says”, turn it into a book and THEN a TV show, milk it til it’s beyond dead, and give me a 10% royalty payment for my brilliant, totally original idea.

    1. What would I do without her hilarious rambles? The great thing about my mom is, I take her out several times a week and she always brings up the same three subjects and tends to repeat her stories over and over again. So it’s very easy for me to remember what she says word for word. Just throw in a few jeezum crows and I’m good.

  8. Tell your mom she’s welcome on my back porch swing. ANY day. I’ll just shut-up and listen. Except for asking her controversial questions and sip my beer. I’ll bet she can weave some stories.

    1. Her normal speaking voice is a yell. A very irritated yell. When you first meet her, people wonder why she’s so pissed off, but it’s just her normal way of talking (and yeah, she’s usually pretty pissed off)

      I forgot to add after the bullshit part–if she ever swears, she’ll say “Pardon my French” right after.

  9. Isn’t it odd how the older people get, the more they want to talk about medical procedures and diseases. Sometimes it’s all I get – the rundown on who has what and the horrible medical procedures they are going through. Be thankful it was just the colonoscopy. Thanks for the giggles.

  10. I was sure my Mom had penned “Everyone’s Entitled to my Opinion,” (long before David Brinkley wrote it.) Your Mom sounds like mine … a real corker. Lots of great material she gave you. BTW, I live in Florida. But, tell your Mom that Florida’s been underwater before. That’s why we don’t have any dinosaur relics. And, Florida will rise again … 🙂

  11. This. Was. Awesome!
    I didn’t think the previous conversation could be topped, but I was howling the whole way through this time around! I loved her calling Mickey Mouse a jerk and then using “happiest place on earth, my ass!” as a segway to the colonoscopy. PRICELESS!! (And on a related note, is “segway” not a word? I say it fairly often, but how is it spelled? The auto-correct keeps on wanting to change it to “nosegay”. Um, no.)

    1. Oh, god, she HATES Mickey Mouse and everything about Disney. We used to live in Orlando and she is very proud of the fact that she’s never been there.

      And her entire conversations are just one long nosegay into the next topic.

  12. Snoring Dog Studio

    I love your mom. I’ve said it before, but she is a wild one and it’s more fun to listen to her than any talk show host any day. Jeezum Crow is my new curse word!

    1. I have a feeling I’ll be more feisty when I’m her age. I already don’t give a crap what most people think and am starting to yell out Jiminy Cricket!and Jeezum Crow! when my husband irritates me.

        1. Yes! It’s just a hop, skip and a jump. Granted it’s about a seven hour jump one way…but a plane ride would be what…12 minutes? We could all get together and Jules could take us to a broadway show!

        2. Yeah, it’s just a couple inches north of Florida as I see it on my map, and since Florida will soon be flooded I might as well get out now. Set ‘er up and if I’m not having surgery or haven’t been committed or incarcerated I’ll do my best to be there…

    1. You’d never get a word in edgewise, Lenore. But you’re welcome to go on a road trip with her anytime. She needs someone to take her to the pharmacy and bank tomorrow, you available?

  13. John Erickson

    Great laughs, brought back some good memories of hopeless “discussions” with my mom. She always tried to be supportive, but I just could NOT convince her that running around a field in 60-year old wool in 90-degree heat was fun! (Not that she was alone on that point, by any means…) Then again, she never saw the appeal of shelling out hundreds of bucks to fly around the country seeing celebrities from a show cancelled 20 years earlier (Star Trek).
    Musta been that time I jumped onto concrete, head-first, around age 8. That would explain SO much! 😀

    1. Oh, so you also know what it’s like to have a mother that talks so much, she actually interrupts herself? Because my mom is the queen of interruptions. My favorite thing she’ll say (she just said this to me this morning at the pharmacy) She paused and said, “Now wait a minute. What was I going to say? I KNOW I was going to say something…” And I mumbled, “And you always do, Mom. You always do…”

  14. Your Mother is an absolute scream…in the nicest possible manner…please enjoy it all…it doesn’t get better than this…this is the ultimate Mothers day tribute…I miss mine…

    God bless…

    1. Yup, she is a one-of-a-kind mom. I’m very lucky to have her still around. It was hard for me to write a mushy mother’s day tribute because mush just isn’t her thing and never has been. She’s a true Mainer, all grit and gruff.

  15. Frickin’ hilarious, Darla! I love these talks you have with your mom. Keep ’em coming. In my head I actually hear your mom talking in a voice that I assume you’d use to talk her. Would you do a vlog sometime when you talk her? I think I might have to add this to my bucket list, especially since you already twirled a baton on video for us. I can cross that one off.

    “Are ya gonna help me or what? I’m an old lady for criminy’s sake! Oh, forget it, too late, I’m already in.” This part killed me!

    1. Oh my god. Yes, a vlog of me talking like her! I would lose hundreds of subscribers in record time! Her voice is unique: loud, abrasive, grating. When she talks she has this constant scowl on her face. I suppose she’s earned it, being 78 years old and all…(and surviving six kids)

      That line about her getting in the car is CLASSIC Mom. And it also made me laugh out loud when I wrote it, it pretty much says it all about he–so it’s funny you liked that line best.

  16. Hee hee hee Yayyyy the Return of Darla’s Mom! I think the part about FL going under water in 10 years was my favorite. “Kiss Mickey Mouse goodbye!” HA! I’m guessing you felt really relaxed after that outing.

  17. Love your conversations with your Mum.. and while I read i can even imagine her voice in my head.. oh dear… does this mean I am losing it and your blog has made me hear voices? I suppose as long as I don’t answer them…………

  18. cassiebehle

    Can I call your mom up if I’m having a bad day sometime in the future? I think it would really cheer me up.

    1. I know! It’s the curse! Three celebrities died! JEE-ZUM CROW!!! She was right!

      I returned home today and there was a message on my machine, my mom, yelling, “Darla! Donna Summer’s dead!” then click, she hung up. She is my most reliable celebrity death news source. But she could’ve broken the news to me in a gentler way, sheesh.

      Be careful what you say, MJ. After Florida, is California.

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