Food Edition
**Loafs of bread. Why are they shaped like that? Can’t these companies figure out a way to make them come in little perfect triangles with no crusts shaped like a butterfly so my daughter will eat it?
**Chip bags. I opened one up the other day and found two chips on the bottom. The rest was chip-flavored air. So I put the bag over my head, took a few deep breaths and was strangely satisfied yet ticked off that I was out five bucks.
**Pizza. Why round? Why not square like the box? Why so hot? Why do I insist on eating a slice when I know I’ll get that bubble burn on the roof of my mouth? Why am I then forced to drink a gallon of Pepsi to put out the flames? Are the pizza companies in cahoots with the soda companies? Do they make the cheese 10,000 degrees fahrenheit so they can sell more Pepsi?
**Soda. Why does it taste like battery acid? Why do we drink it?
**Pancake batter. Why does it turn into cement if you leave it out for a few minutes? Why didn’t Tom Hanks bring a box of Bisquick on the ill-fated trip to the moon when he could’ve just dumped some pancake batter on the space-oxygen-module thingy and they all would’ve saved themselves a lot of panic and duct tape?
**Milk. Why do my kids drink some milk, then hide the cup underneath the bed, way over in the corner under some toys so I won’t find it for three weeks? Why does the milk turn to cement? Again, why didn’t Tom Hanks think of using curdled milk when he was in space?
Dammit! I knew I should’ve brought the pancakes. And syrup.
**Capri Suns. Why do they give you a tiny little straw that will only drive you stark raving mad as you continue to stab the hell out of the drink because the hole is microscopic until you use so much force you stab right through both sides and then the juice starts spraying out in all directions and you start screaming, “DIE CAPRI SUN! DIE!” and your kids cry, “Mommy! You’re scaring me!”?
**Crumbs. Why is it that you can give your kids a bowl of shredded cheese, instructing them to only eat it at the kitchen table, then a few minutes later you go downstairs and find shredded cheese in every single nook and cranny and they didn’t even go downstairs yet?
**Packaging. Why do I always fall for it when it says on the package of cheese: To Open–Tear here? Why do I end up opening it with a pair of garden shears?
**Sugar. Why is it that when I ask my five year old daughter, “How much sugar have you had today?” and she answers, “Two”, I don’t quite believe her?
**Summer. Everyone knows summer for moms means two things: a kiddie pool and popsicles. Why hasn’t anyone invented a garden hose that dispenses sticky popsicle juice? It would really save a lot of time and money on my part.
That’s right, kids. Swimming in grape popsicle juice! It’s your dream come true.
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Enjoy the long holiday weekend, everyone! See you all next week, I’m outta here…..
She's A Maineiac 
I so do the pizza thing – think I have a calussed upper palate
I just burned my mouth on an onion ring last week at Red Robin’s. I didn’t even want to eat it, but they brought them to my husband on this giant tower and they were threatening to topple over so I had to.
I remember the days of the trail made around my house by little people… Hmmmm!
Hideous = (awesome) post! Trying to get a new word out there today!
It is absolutely hideous the trails of food these kids leave everywhere. Wait a minute, that means awesome now? Ok I suppose it’s awesomely hideous.
I am so with you on the Capri Suns. Can’t tell you the number of times that little straw has gone through both sides of the bag. And then you’re squeezing the bag so hard, trying to get the straw in, that yes, you get the geyser out both sides.
Have a great weekend!
When Julia hands me one so I can open it for her I actually start breaking out in a cold sweat.
I think the bag of chips you opened may be a sign of good luck to come. This may just be my way of putting a positive spin on life’s curve balls. But as far as drinking Soda, I haven’t drank it ever since I found a helpful household tip in a book called Ultimate Household Tips (or something close to that) that suggested using a certain cola to clean the toilet. Apparently if you fill the bowl with coke and let it sit for a while the ring disappears.
I haven’t tasted a soda in about 10 years. Last week I drank some of my husband’s and immediately spewed it out into his face like they do on TV sitcoms. I was shocked that I once thought a soda tasted GOOD.
If you put a nail in a jar and fill it with cola, the nail is supposed to disintegrate. I have always been curious about this one, but won’t try it because sometimes for me its best not to know some things for sure.
I’ve no doubt that this is true.
Yes, you can disintegrate a nail in a can of soda (carbonic acid) which is why it works well to clean corroded car battery terminals, Sprite being better than Coke probably because of the citric acid in it.
That same acid easily destroys tooth enamel.
Cheerios are like endless land mines in our house…Drives me insane. I’m tempted to thread them on a string and only allow them to be eaten that way! Funny post – especially the Capri Sun story!
Cheerios are the worst. Then my kids step on them and there’ll be cheerio dust all over the place, ground into the carpet.
Avery, my dog eats cheerios so we throw them on the floor on purpose, but you probably don’t want to encourage the kids in this sort of behavior.
It’s good to know that I’m not alone in my suffering. 😀
They make pizza round because it is really a pizza pie. Square pizza makes me crazy. It always tastes frozen, well, formerly frozen. And then there is a place near my office where they (1) make square, frozen-tasting pizza, and (2) don’t know how to spell their own name. The place is named after the Lido, an outer island outside Venice. The place has pictures of Venice all over the restaurant, yet they spell the name LEDO. They are dumbbells and do not get my money.
I think I’m hungry now…for Chinese.
mmm mmmm….Chinese does sound good right about now. How is it that no matter what or how much you order, it comes packed in a tiny bag?
Elyse, the name of the place was supposed to be LEGO after the square toys (like the pizza – eh? eh?) first manufactured in Venice. That’s how lousy they are at spelling.
Oh. I see. Venice and Lido must be in the Danish part of Italy! What’s one more city-state!
I can’t believe I ranted on about square pizza on someone else’s blog. Sorry Darla. We just had a company lunch at this awful place and you touched a nerve!
I’ve always wanted my blog to be the place for heated debate and discussions so why not square pizza?
I wrote this post this morning because we had pizza for dinner last night, and then breakfast this morning and my husband left the pancake batter out and it took me an hour to scrape it out of the bowl and well…I am ready for a blogging break now.
Hmmm, sounds as if you are having some major dairy issues in your house. Cheeses, milk, more cheeses . . . don’t be so intolerant of the dairy, Darla. That’s cheese-ism! 😉
Oh, and the Capri Sun? Cut off top, pour in cup. Promblem solved! 🙂
Ohhhhh yeah. I have tried that cutting off the top trick and it doesn’t fly with my kids. They think it ‘tastes different’ in a cup. And I normally end up slicing my finger.
Clear case of lactose intolerance.
This post was making me go “hmmm” so much my staff came back to make sure my office hadn’t been invaded by swarms of South American Killer Bees.
Hmm. You have a staff? Are you guys ready for the long weekend? we are filling up the pool, supposed to hit 85 Saturday. yippee!!!
I DO have a staff. I DON’T have a pool. It’s supposed to hit an ungodly 97 here. Because I’m a crotchety old lady now, I’ll probably spend the weekend sitting in the AC watching Lawrence Welk reruns and complaining about the youth of America. Have a great holiday yourself.
ps I can never correct the bottom lines of my comments on your blog because they keep dancing in and out of the frame. Is this a deliverate ploy to get me to have shorter comments?
My gram used to watch Lawrence Welk with the volume of the TV turned up so loud the windows would rattle while knitting another adorable kitten sweater for me and eating bowl after bowl of Neapolitan ice cream. Which stangely enough is what I’m planning to do all weekend.
I feel that way about pancake batter too. Doesn’t matter if you make it from scratch or from Bisquick or whatever. It turns into solid mortar almost immediately. And I laughed at your observation about your daughter and sugar.
Yes, and my husband leaves it out and by the time I get to it, I need a hammer and chisel to clean it off the counter, stove and floor where he dripped it everywhere. It’s been one of those days today.
My daughter hesitated before she answered, like she was adding it up in her head.
OMG! Great. Now I NEED a grape Popsicle! Thanks.
~d.
I do have a pint of Ben and Jerry’s in my freezer right now if you’re interested…
Only if it’s grape.
Grape Kool-Aid was the flavor of my youth. I suppose it colors our summers forever. Thanks for the chuckles and the memories.
Hope you have a great long weekend, Renee!
Hi,
I can so relate about the pizza, and I had to laugh about the packaging, if I want something opened I just grab the scissors out of the draw and cut, so much easier. 🙂
I am such a clutz, I can barely handle scissors.
The sugar/two bullet inspired especially great amounts of mirth on my part! *giggle* Sometimes the stuff Li’l D says makes me laugh to imagine an adult saying it. (Sometimes, when an adult says such things, I only wish it were Li’l D talking!)
I be Li’l D comes up with some good ones, too. My daughter kills me all the time. She acts so serious when she talks and has no idea why I end up laughing.
Dominos has a square pizza, Darla. Of course, it is thin crust, but it is square. Know what? Get this – it comes in a round box!
Have a fab long weekend.
You too, Lenore. Any big plans? It’s gonna hit 85 here and Jim wants to break out the pool. I’m trying to convince him it’s way too early. It will be back in the 60s Sunday.
No plans, Darla. Well, aside from picking up bunny poop, vacuuming, dusting, reading, laundry, and maybe have a beer or three.
Wow! What a coincidence! I’m doing the same things. And we don’t even have a bunny.
Hahahahaha!
You are hilarious. Are Capri Suns an actual food product? I mean, in addition to being an assault weapon.
I don’t think they should even be qualified as a beverage. What’s great is, when I end up stabbing the crap out of one it really helps to release all the built-up tension I feel–very therapeutic.
Hmm, I never had any of these issues – right!
Capri Sun – what is it, like a spoonful of liquid in that teeny bag?
I tell MLB to wait on the pizza till it’s cool and she never does. Why do you guys do that? It does hurt, you know.
I might have taken the chip bag straight to the store and scared the clerk with it.
Don’t get me started about syrup – my comment so frequently in our house with the kids was “why are there sticky kid prints all over EVERYTHING!!”
Oh, yes, the syrup. My daughter would probably drink it straight out of the bottle, if I let her. She wants it on everything. (not surprising as it’s all sugar) Then she spills it on everything. It’s hard to get dried-up syrup out of couch cushions and drapes!
Don’t even get me started on packaging, Darla! Had to laugh at the cheese making it downstairs before the kids. There are a few things that behave like that, Easter basket grass comes to mind…
I am STILL finding Easter grass and it’s almost June!
…maybe I should vacuum more, huh?….nah!
I would eat more bread if it was shaped like butterflies. I saw a butterfly-shaped bread cutter the other day at the grocery store. Maybe you should get it for your daugher.
I would love a garden hose that dispenses sticky popsicle juice, but not grape. Only orange, cherry, or blue raspberry.
Blue raspberry is the best. Mainly because it makes your tongue and teeth and lips blue. It’s a good look!
My chip bags usually come with 1,000 chips crushed to smithereens so that the only way to eat them is to tilt your head back and pour the teeny tiny bits into your mouth.
That is normally my preferred method of inhaling chips!
Okay…I’m trying to get inspired not to drink soda, but those bags of juice and paraffined boxes of berry water are unpleasant to hold. And bottled water? Why am I paying for something that comes out of the tap. And why doesn’t Kool-Aid taste as great as it used to? My taste buds must be dying.
I’m with you on the Kool-Aid. Blech! It does come in handy for when I make my own play-doh though. But then I end up wanting to eat the play-doh…I gave up soda while ago and don’t miss it at all.
You know, I think they actually did make crustless bread at some point…or I’m crazier than usual today…it came in packages and was roundish in shape…called Crustables, or something like that? I don’t know…I need a vacation…Lord, help me! Have an awesome holiday weekend! Why are my comments bouncing while I write. Help!
Yes! You are right! I think it came with peanut butter and jelly already inside? blech!!
You do need a vacation, you work too hard. Have a great long relaxing weekend. I have no clue why the comments are bouncing, I’ve had other people tell me the same, their computer starts flickering like it’s having a seizure. Must be my blog??
I usually drink about one soda a year. And it’s soooooo great. After that? They sound awful for another 11.5 months.
One soda is just enough to remind you never to have another one again. Also helps burn off some of that pesky plaque on your teeth…
Chip bags…right on. I quit buying them because I always feel I got cheated. Whenever I see the “New and Improved! Now 10 chips per bag!” that’s when I’ll start buying them again. It’s easy to pay $0.50 per chip when you’re used to paying $1.00.
I go for the square pizza myself because after I royally screw up my pizza tossing technique (from a round ball, to a round pie, supposedly), I always wind up pressing it into a square pan. Voila. Square pizza. I only heat mine to 5,000 degrees so as not to burn the palette. Too much.
I suppose my chip dilemma would be solved if I just stopped buying them.
I made my kids a pizza last night on little english muffins and they scarfed them right up. I will never buy a frozen pizza again.
It’s the little things, Darla. Put cheese and sauce on ANYTHING bread, call it pizza, BAM. Dinner. No complaints either. 🙂
Ha! Hilarious – the “two” answer from your daughter is priceless. And my niece loves eating shredded cheese, too!
Is it weird that I have forever prided myself -even as a kid- on being an expert Capri Sun opener? That reminds me, I need to update my resume…
Whenever we have ‘taco night’I ask her if she wants one and she says, “Yes, I want a taco. With no shell. No lettuce. No salsa. Just the cheese, please.”
You’re not alone, Darla. I can’t seem to open anything anymore. The sealed bag inside the cereal box — they could make bullet-proof vests out of that stuff. And I think we drink soda because the commercials tell us that we like it.
Hope you’re having a great weekend.
Ha! I know, the cereal is the worst! I’ll tug and pull and flex my muscles…the vein on my forehead starts throbbing…then I grunt and with one final pull, the bag rips open and I’m covered in Lucky Charms. What gives?
We are having a good weekend, gorgeous whether down here yesterday. Hope you and your family are as well, Charles.
Hope you had a great Memorial Day weekend, Darla! Part of the reason why I gave up on dairy was because of the same pizza cheese issue. Too much pain! I also gave up on soda a looooong time ago, but that issue never really even started for me, mostly because my body is wimpy and doesn’t like fizzy bubbles inside of it.
I agree with the soda and the fizzy bubble problem. My husband is a ginger ale fanatic. He drinks cases of it every week. Then he complains about gaining weight. I told him if he’d just replace the soda with water he’d probably lose 20 pounds instantly!
Hope you had a good long weekend, too. My kids are wrapping up school so things are pretty crazy right now.
Vada pav—fast food made from potato stuffed between bread—is served in Mumbai and thereabouts. In college, I ate one everyday so hot and so quickly that I had no feeling in my palate until graduation.
As a kid, I bit off the corners of a sandwich before eating the good stuff—something mom should have picked up on and started Prozac.
They have square-pan pizzas. Papa Johns (I live in NYC so I’m a pizza snob and hate Papa Johns, but I never promised not to use them as an example.) makes one. You can make them the same, but they won’t taste as good as rounds to me.
I would love to try vada pav. Sounds delicious even if you risk second degree burns on the roof of your mouth.
We have Papa Johns up the wazoo around here. Not a big fan. I have never had authentic NY pizza, I’m sure it’s above and beyond. I have had a NY bagel when I visited my brother on Long Island and it blew me away. Maine gets all the crappy food. Except our seafood is pretty damn good.
We have that exact pool! And in the Summer it has everything in it, along with the water! 2 minute noodles are my favourite addition – sorts supper out at least 3 times a week 🙂
As for the opening of things – in our household we refer to it as the Zippy Nifty Way and carry our Swiss army knives with us for any eventuality.
It’s great to know that we’re not alone – Thank You for some good blogging reading.
2 minute noodles is a great idea. My daughter would eat those for every meal if she could. The popsicle thing is getting out of control here already and it’s not officially summer yet. And they just end up dripping sticky juice all over the place. Between that and the endless wet grass they track in from the pool, it’s a wonder I have time for anything but cleaning. But I know these summers won’t last so I let it go.
And yes, my husband has a leatherman knife for those times too but usually I end up slicing my fingers on it anyway.
My son was sick all weekend but well enough to sit in a kiddie pool. So I would’ve loved for a hose that dispensed Pedialyte. Mmmmm. The best way to hydrate on a hot summer day.
This was great! When you’re ready to do the nonfood version, please add to your list: “Why the hell does the Resolve carpet stain remover bottle not spray when you tip it downward? Isn’t it supposed to be sprayed in a downward direction? Isn’t carpet on the floor? Do people have carpet on their walls that this inane spray engineering would be better suited for?” I can’t tell you how many times a month I am cleaning stains off our floor (thank you kids and three pets) and cussing my brains out about this madness.
Oh, no, sorry your little guy was sick.
Resolve carpet cleaner doesn’t make sense, does it. Then you tip it down and end up with just bubbles or a steady stream dripping down your hand…it goes everywhere BUT the carpet. Grrr. I feel your pain. If only we had shoes with suctions on them, then we could stand on the walls and the spray would work. Why is life so hard??