**Loafs of bread. Why are they shaped like that? Can’t these companies figure out a way to make them come in little perfect triangles with no crusts shaped like a butterfly so my daughter will eat it?
**Chip bags. I opened one up the other day and found two chips on the bottom. The rest was chip-flavored air. So I put the bag over my head, took a few deep breaths and was strangely satisfied yet ticked off that I was out five bucks.
**Pizza. Why round? Why not square like the box? Why so hot? Why do I insist on eating a slice when I know I’ll get that bubble burn on the roof of my mouth? Why am I then forced to drink a gallon of Pepsi to put out the flames? Are the pizza companies in cahoots with the soda companies? Do they make the cheese 10,000 degrees fahrenheit so they can sell more Pepsi?
**Soda. Why does it taste like battery acid? Why do we drink it?
**Pancake batter. Why does it turn into cement if you leave it out for a few minutes? Why didn’t Tom Hanks bring a box of Bisquick on the ill-fated trip to the moon when he could’ve just dumped some pancake batter on the space-oxygen-module thingy and they all would’ve saved themselves a lot of panic and duct tape?
**Milk. Why do my kids drink some milk, then hide the cup underneath the bed, way over in the corner under some toys so I won’t find it for three weeks? Why does the milk turn to cement? Again, why didn’t Tom Hanks think of using curdled milk when he was in space?
Dammit! I knew I should’ve brought the pancakes. And syrup.
**Capri Suns. Why do they give you a tiny little straw that will only drive you stark raving mad as you continue to stab the hell out of the drink because the hole is microscopic until you use so much force you stab right through both sides and then the juice starts spraying out in all directions and you start screaming, “DIE CAPRI SUN! DIE!” and your kids cry, “Mommy! You’re scaring me!”?
**Crumbs. Why is it that you can give your kids a bowl of shredded cheese, instructing them to only eat it at the kitchen table, then a few minutes later you go downstairs and find shredded cheese in every single nook and cranny and they didn’t even go downstairs yet?
**Packaging. Why do I always fall for it when it says on the package of cheese: To Open–Tear here? Why do I end up opening it with a pair of garden shears?
**Sugar. Why is it that when I ask my five year old daughter, “How much sugar have you had today?” and she answers, “Two”, I don’t quite believe her?
**Summer. Everyone knows summer for moms means two things: a kiddie pool and popsicles. Why hasn’t anyone invented a garden hose that dispenses sticky popsicle juice? It would really save a lot of time and money on my part.
That’s right, kids. Swimming in grape popsicle juice! It’s your dream come true.
Enjoy the long holiday weekend, everyone! See you all next week, I’m outta here…..