The Little Search Engine That Couldn’t

You’ve got questions? Looking for solutions to your problems?

Let She’s a Maineiac not help you at all!

Here are some of the recent search engine terms that led people to my blog:

childhood brother and sister ball-busting funny stories?

Why, yes, funny you should ask. Back in 1984, I made the unfortunate decision to jump off a precarious tower of couch cushions while kicking my legs up in the air a la David Lee Roth ‘Jump’ style, only to come crashing down–slamming my feet right smack into my younger brother’s nether regions. By some miracle, he managed to go on to have three kids. This only goes to show that not all ballbusting stories have a bad ending. (Although several people reported hearing prolonged and agonized screaming three counties over.)

kenny vhesney looking awful 

Excuse me, who? Ah…nope, you won’t find that dude here. I refuse to vheapen my blog by plastering that guy’s sorry mug all over it. Can you imagine what you’d encounter if he ever took off that damned cowboy hat? [shudders]

Kenny Vhesney: the George Costanza of the country music world

who said men can t multitask beer and remote?

No one. No one would ever say that. Certainly not me. Wouldn’t you agree those are things most men can do astonishingly well? If they ever design a remote that dispenses beer or a beer with a built-in remote, they would sell billions. Somehow attach a built-in catheter and you’d never see him get up off the couch again.

(image–squidoo)

drunken celebrity chocolate bar? 

Really? Why would you ever think I’d have something as looney-tune as that on this here respectable blog. But God knows I wish such a thing really existed– it would help me finally kick that chocolate habit once and for all.

Hershey’s New Britney Flavor with Extra Nuts

what are the worst words to hear in the world?  (I’ll let my husband take this one.)

The worst words to hear in the world are:

“Honey, we need to talk.”

“The remote’s dead and we’re out of batteries.”

“They stopped making beer.”

“To be honest, it’s been awhile since I’ve performed this procedure. Let’s hope my hand is steadier than the last time! Woo-wee– what a mess! Now then, are you ready for your vasectomy? Let’s get to slicin’ and dicin’!”

“Don’t worry, right after we insert this 10 foot long tubing up your urethra, it will bypass the giant stone lodged in your kidney and you’ll be able to urinate once again, although you may experience some prolonged severe burning. But rest assured, that will all fade away once the blinding pain of passing dozens of sharp shards of calcified stones takes over.”

“my neck is” “my new hairdo”?

If you have enough hair on your neck to even call it a hairdo, this blog is not the place to look for help. You might want to try a razor or some stylish cornrow/beaded braiding. Or perhaps you meant your new hairdo looks like your neck. In that case, I have no good advice at all, except always wear a hat. Works for Kenny Vhesney.

thunder thighs n ass?

Well, well, well! Now we’re talkin’! You’ve come to the right place!  I’ve suffered this affliction most of my life. But Jillian Michaels came to my rescue in this post here. (Warning: I did end up breaking my ass. And my thighs are actually more thunderous now.)

my ass is killing me

Sheesh! Tell me ’bout it! You and everyone else. This is my most common search engine term. Apparently asses that kill are an epidemic.

“mountain of hair” haircut?

Uh….why on earth would you think my blog would help you with that? Nope…nothing to see here! Just look away…

I said LOOK AWAY. Oh, God! No! For the love of all that is Aqua Net! NOOOOOO!!!!

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101 thoughts on “The Little Search Engine That Couldn’t

    1. My husband said to me just now, “You aren’t really going to post that are you?” Why not? It’s just perfect ’80s. Used to take me 45 minutes every morning to achieve that height and width.

      1. I too was guilty of the ten foot hair phase. In a way it was a great style for me because now I spend alot of time and energy beating my hair into submission so I don’t look like I’m stuck in the 80s on purpose.

  1. I’m pretty sure it took my sister an hour and half a can of Aqua Net to achieve a greater width and height, and then miss the bus every day. Had to get her poof just right. I went for more of just a poof on top look.

    1. Yeah, I was poofin’ out all over. Thankfully, I lived just down the road from school so I had the extra hour to get it just right (or wrong…) I look at this photo and I think, oh to be 17 again and able to wear a fuzzy mountain on top of my head and get away with it.

  2. Thank you for the morning grin–I am sipping a cuppa Joe and catching up on blogs. Wow! I would have killed for feathery looking hair like that! No amount of hair spray could ever fix my flat, dirty blond hair. (aside: hope you don’t mind–two of your letter “c”s turned to “v”s at the beginning of the post). xoxo

    1. Oh, no, El. Be glad you didn’t have this feathery look (I like to think of it more as wings) It was very heavy and my neck could barely hold it up. The letter Vs were intentional. That was the exact search engine term someone typed in to find my blog.

      1. Oh, no, I’ve had plenty of typos in the past so I can totally understand, you are NOT an idiot or dumb or thoughtless by any means! Apparently the person who typed the search engine term was so excited about finding Kenny Chesney looking ‘awful’ their fingers slipped while typing. haha!

  3. OMG Maniac, this is so funny. I was just reading some of my search terms to my husband the other day. I may have to copy cat you (with credit of course!) because they ARE so bizarre. And I could just about outdo you on the hair too.. almost but not quite.
    Suzanne

  4. Oh! Hahaha! Love the Aqua Net! This is such a funny search engine post and I have read more than a few. I love the drunken celebrity chocolate bar! Complete with photo of Brittney at her “best!”
    Thanks for the giggles!

    1. Isn’t it strange what people come up with. I did a drunk celebrity post and a chocolate post so why not combine the two?
      I used so much hairspray, it would build up all over my dresser and take a sandblaster to clean it off.

  5. Is that picture of Kenny Chesney (sp) for real? He DOES look like Jason Alexander. Moreover, he looks like Jason’s character from Pretty Woman. I hated that character. Hated him. I had a hard time watching Seinfeld after that movie, because my hate was so strong. Now, I’m not feeling to warm and fuzzy towards Kenny.

    Your hair Darla!!! (that’s all I got.)

  6. I worry a little about the number of times people may find my blog through the word Jesus in the search engine and then discover that I have portrayed Jesus at the Wedding at Cana with a lampshade on his head. There’s a perfectly good explanation that may not be readily apparent at a quick glance, and I fear I may be inadvertedly insulting the sensitivity of those who don’t share the integration of faith with a sense of humor. Great post Darla. Very funny.

    1. Jesus with a lampshade on his head? I must find that post.

      I once wrote a short post about vacuuming up toys and another post about ‘breaking my ass’ while exercising and to this day ‘vacuuming up toys’ and ‘broken ass’ are my two top search terms. I get at least one a day!

      1. I used Barbie in a title once and that got a lot of attention. Maybe not as much as ‘breaking my ass’ might, but even so she still has pull. I wasn’t very nice to her, so I may have made a few Barbie fans cry a little.

  7. ha ha ha… Your chocolate bar caption was AMAZING! (Like Byronic Man level amazing. I know you’ll appreciate that for the compliment it is ;)) And the last two pictures are going to make Angie Z. weep with delight.

    Oh man. This was hilarious. I love search terms. I think kenny vhesney sounds like a real pain in the ass. I think he’s behind why yours is killing you. At least he doesn’t have to braid any neck hair.

    1. Hey Jules, let’s hijack D’s blog. Don’t you just love that 80’s hair. I just want to break out into “Hungry Like the Wolf” or whatever that Duran Duran song was. 🙂

      1. Hijack on MY blog?! NEVER!!!

        Oh, god. Duran Duran. Classic stuff. what other songs did they have? My mind is blank…help me out here, MJ so we can relive the horror that was the pastel 80s…

      2. ha ha! I just saw this comment (I am loving the new ‘Notifications’ tab in WordPress so now I don’t miss anything!)!

        Second Hub just covered that song on Glee, WHICH YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BE WATCHING. Let it grow on you. Like a fun fungus.

    2. Byronic Man level amazing? Get out! I have achieved blog gold status, thank you for that, Julie!

      I can’t wait to see what Angie thought of the pics. Her blog inspired me to finally unleash them onto the world. And for that, I am truly sorry.

  8. Saved! Just in the nick of time… you made me totally laugh out loud. In fact, my son asked me what was so funny. For the love of all that is Aqua Net! The hair! And I totally want a remote like that one, with a few tweeks… and on my big ice tea glass.

    Once again, you made me laugh, just when the universe was doing it’s best to bury me. Thank you!!

    1. Now that makes me feel happy today. Knowing that my mountain of hair made your day just the much brighter. And probably you feel much better overall about your own yearbook photo now, don’t you?

  9. Ewww, Aqua Net! Just hearing the name makes me unconsciously lip my lips and taste the air. I can’t tell you the number of times my mother glued my eye lashes together while “making sure I looked presentable.” I’m not sure if she wanted me presentable or blind to the happenings around me!

    1. I know, even if you closed your eyes tight, it would only cement them together. God, the smell was what killed me. I’d be gasping for air all though the first few classes at school. Think of the chemicals I exposed myself to in the name of horrible hair.

  10. Now why aren’t folks using this term: “my ass is killing me” to find me? In fact, I still have no search terms. Apparently I am doing something very wrong.

  11. ha! 🙂 This was really funny Darla. But I am sad that, no one reached to your blog with the search engine term, “Why men can’t cry in front of other men” . 🙂

  12. Darla,

    There’s something magical about Britney Spears, the color brown, and excess sugar. I’m not sure what it is, so I’m counting on you to figure it out and let me know.

    Stacie

    1. yes, quite magical. I hear she’s made a ‘comeback’ now and is on some TV show as a judge or something. But whenever I see her, all I can think of is when she shaved her head. Something I’ve always wanted to do and probably should’ve before I had my yearbook photo taken.

  13. Tar-Buns

    Love the 80s photos and the Aqua Net. It never helped my straight, fine hair.
    Hey, this is the first blog I received an email notice about.
    Yup, subscribed and it’s working!

    1. Tar-Buns

      How come it says I posted at 8:13pm when it’s 4:13pm here in Eastern Time Zone. Aren’t you in the same ‘zone’? Just wondering…

    2. I am honored you got your first email and it’s all about my 80s hair! Know all you have to do is 1) set up your own blog 2) post unflattering pictures of your own 80s hair and then 3) you’ll be well on your way to blogging history!

  14. Holy, holy hairdo. I had something I wanted to say about the rest of your post? I think? I don’t know what happened. I got to the hairdo pictures and I completely blanked out the previous part of your post. Where am I? Who am I? Is my name Seashell Head? I can’t seem to remember anything.

    1. Haha! This comment is killing me.

      Yes, I probably could’ve just typed ‘blah blah blah’ for the entire post, then ended with the bombshell of my hair. No one would’ve cared or noticed. Perhaps I should’ve done this as a two-parter? Damn! But you know…”I ain’t got no time for that!”

    1. You are very welcome. Unfortunately, I get loads of crazy searches. Must say a lot for my general post content, huh. Just today I got (and I am dead serious)

      why does kale taste like arse?

      1. Maybe somebody found my comment on one of your blog posts about *thinking* kale would taste like arse but then surprisingly LOVING kale! Wait a minute, does this mean I like the taste of arse??

  15. I was looking at my search terms yesterday and wondering what in the world made Google direct them to my blog. Hilarious post. Wish I thought of it first.

    BTW, I had to ask my husband if that was really Kenny Chesney. Wow. I never understood the attraction with the hat. And without? He looks like a creep. Keep the hat on, Mr. Vhesney.

    1. Oh, you should do a post on yours! I bet it’d be hysterical.

      Did your husband confirm if that was really Kenny? I googled lots of pics of him and scrutinized them and determined that it was.

      1. He said it was him. He really does look like Jason Alexander. Can’t imagine women screaming and swooning over Jason Alexander, cowboy hat or not.

  16. Okay, Darla, my husband actually told me to shut the f*ck up, I was laughing so loud. That is one wrong picture of Kenny Ch…Vhes…ah, what the hell. He was pretty ugly to start, but THAT…

    GIRLFRIEND! You have some serious hair. If you and I ever get together, we would average out to an awesomely sexy locks. Really. I have like NO hair.

    1. Ooh! Your husband said that to you? Oh, lord have mercy. My husband saw me posting this and was speechless.

      I don’t have that hair anymore. What’s funny is I have naturally super curly hair, like corkscrew curly. If I don’t blow dry it, then load it down with gels and creams, it is like I’m Nellie Olsen on Little House.

      1. Oh. I am sorry. Of course, being married to the man for 16 years, and knowing he meant nothing of it (but to remind me that I was reading comical stuff, while he, on the other hand, was engaged in a more important Ted show on How the Brain Works…and he needed silence). If your husband were sitting in our quiet office at the same time, he would totally have understood the moment.

        Really, though, I was laughing THAT hard. That’s my point. It’s amazing I didn’t wake up any of the kids.

        And what the heck?! I know I didn’t post that comment at 2:24a. Is your blog in a time-portal or something?

    1. Oh, bless your heart for saying that I was cute. I think I was pretty geeky to say the least! I’m sure you were super cute. In fact, I think you should go right now and post a picture of yourself with your big hair on your blog.

  17. I’ve been thinking about doing the search term post for months. You’ve inspired me to actually finally do it. I have some of the weirdest, like yours. Where do these people come from?

    I LOVE the hair. That is the best. And just think “volumizers” weren’t even that good then. I know, I grew up with four sisters. They had every item of hair sculpting imaginable.

    1. Oh you have to do it now, MJ. It’s hysterical. What’s even funnier is when some obscure search engine term like “why does kale taste like ass?” is repeatedly used by different people over time.

      By the way, I stole the idea from the Good Greatsby, his were hysterical. (Just like I steal everything from him. shh…he won’t know about it if you don’t tell him…)

  18. As my ol’ granny said, while I was ironing my curly-clown hair when I was 16, “Honey, you’ll be thankful you have all those curls and all that hair someday.”

    It only took about a 100 more years of living, but granny was right. Now that everyone’s hair is falling out from chemical abuse of Clairol, mine has thinned down past Sasquatch proportions. We should have a big hair club. Oh. Wait. They already have that in Dallas. I wonder if they take northerners?

    1. Oh, I would be all over that club. My hair is still big and so thick. Once back in biology in high school, we were told to take a strand of our hair and examine it under a microscope. My partner’s hair was like this super thin line and mine was this giant thick strand. We laughed so hard at that! But yeah, my hair is naturally brillo pad texture and super curly to this day. Now I try to tame it by straightening it. It just never ends with the hair torture I put myself though…

  19. Why am I STILL not getting notified when your bloggy gold hits the airwaves? What does a person have to DO? Help me, Obi-wan Kanobe. You’re my only hope!!!! (those are the multi-exclamation points of despair)

    1. I did not get notified either…I am going on a hunger strike until this situation is resolved. Better be quick, though, my hunger strikes usually only last about 15 minutes.

  20. Thank God! Teenage Darlo found my lost Newfoundland! It’s sitting on her head. (commenters note: In the interest of full disclosure I must point out that you are a very brave women for presenting old photos of yourself for public…hmmm, admiration. I, on the other hand, am a big, fat coward.)

    1. Hmm…I’m not sure it’s your Newfoundland. More like a Pomeranian, wouldn’t you say?

      And…uh…I think I crossed the threshold for public humiliation ages ago when I posted about my broken ass and did vlogs of my baton twirling…it was only natural to showcase my breathtaking yearbook photo for all to ridicule.

  21. I feel I should come clean and tell you that my hair looked similar to that for 2-3 long years. Man, i thought I was cutting edge. I may have even said, “this look will never go out of style.” I have to believe that like bell bottoms and sequins it will come back again.

    Love the crazy search terms. What are people looking for? And more importantly when they got to your blog, did they find it?

    1. Oh lord have mercy if that ever comes back in style! Although curling irons and Aqua Net sales would go through the roof… I can’t believe that I actually thought that my hair looked GOOD back then. Must have been inhaling too many hair spray chemicals…

      If those people didn’t find what they were looking for before, well, this post more than makes up for it. I suspect they’ll never come back.

  22. I know the “why would someone possibly do a google search for ______?” question leads to madness, but seriously, why would someone possibly do a Google search for ‘my ass is killing me’? What are you hoping to discover? Medical diagnoses based on conditions of one’s ass hurting like a sumbitch? A ‘my ass is killing me’ chat-room?

  23. I get totally random search engine terms on my blog, too. Mostly about projectile vomit, appallingly ugly Christmas sweaters, and Valerie Law’s boobs. (I don’t even know who Valerie Law is. Note to self: do Google search for Valerie Law, even though it might just lead me back to my own blog.) Look no further, interwebs– I’ve got all that and more!

    By the way, I LOVE the photos at the end of this post. They’re mesmerizing!

    1. Ooh, this Valerie Law woman sounds like someone you may want to avoid.

      I think those pics are mesmerizing too…kinda like when you see a bad accident on the side of the highway. Except it’s an accident involving a rather furry cat colliding with a fuzzy bear on top of my head.

      1. I think interesting posts beget interesting comments. 🙂

        Speaking of, having discovered firsthand just how scatty the reader is on here… may I link to you in my blogroll? I’m guessing it’s common courtesy to ask first? (I’m still pretty new here.)

  24. Hi,
    I am always amazed at what people type into search engines, all you can do is shake your head. A great morning laugh, but it does make you wonder what they clicked onto in your blog with some of these searches, that is usually the first thing I think of, what on earth did they look at. 😀

    1. It truly boggles my mind, Mags. And some of the more crazy search engine phrases have been repeated several times over. Proving there’s a whole lotta crazy to go around out there in the world.

  25. My husband has this unnatural “thing” for the Ches. I will have to introduce him to your Mr. Vhesney, CPA the next time he gets all man crushy on him.

    That hair! Wow. And why am I having an uncontrollable urge to go watch the 80’s TV Soap Drama, Beauty & the Beast for some reason? Can’t quite put my finger on it . . .

    Oh, and check out my blog today (yep, the pimping never stops with me!). There’s something on there for ya. 🙂

  26. Awesome responses! I don’t know how you kept the search terms to a minimum in this post. There are usually too many good ones to narrow them down very far.

    And is that really a picture of Kenny Chesney? It looks like him, but it looks like Costanza more.

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