Top Ten Signs You’re Nearing Menopause

10) You can’t decide whether that burning sensation you feel on your face and neck is seething anger or a hot flash.

9) You start slipping ice packs into your bra.

8) Your electricity bill is $1,563.25 due to the 10 fans and 3 a/c units you have running 24/7.

7) When your husband asks for sex, you hit him over the head with the remote and say, “Was it good for you?”

6) You consider moving to the South Pole so you can cool down.

5) You find yourself exclaiming to your husband: “Damn! That Regis Philbin sure is damn sexy!”

4) Your go-to beauty regimen is the same at 41 as it was at 14: Zit cream

3) You spend your days wandering around the house in a daze muttering, “Is it hot in here? Are you hot? God, it’s so hot in here!”

2) You lie in bed wide awake each night hoping your heart palpatations will lull you into a gentle slumber.

and the number one Sign You’re Nearing Menopause:

1) Mood swings? Please! You only have one mood:  Pissed off

88 thoughts on “Top Ten Signs You’re Nearing Menopause

  1. Oh, goodness. Sounds like I’ve got lots to look forward to! Hopefully Regis is still alive by the time I hit menopause so I can cover all the bases you listed here. 😉

    1. And I have what, maybe 8 or 9 more years of this? I was watching an interview last night with Regis and David Letterman and I thought, oh, those guys are hysterical and kinda sexy! Very disturbing, Dana. But then, I am middle aged now and my eyesight is failing me.

  2. Tar-Buns

    Ha! You hit the nail on the proverbial head. I’ve been at this fun for close to 2 years – the past one has REALLY been HOT!!!!!!! And the palpitations, I wonder, is it meanopause or do I have a heart condition? Ah the joy…

    1. I think the heart palpatations are very unnerving and annoying to say the least. And why do they intensify at 2 am? That’s the other thing I forgot to mention–the insomnia. I go to sleep no problem, then I’m wide awake about 45 minutes later.

      1. Tar-Buns

        I hear that! I used to be able to sleep through the night with no problem, other than snoring, that is. Tee hee. At least according to my hubby. Still, the heat….

        I’ve inherited my mother’s sick in the bad heat-itiss. I hate the heat. Put Pre or Now Menopause hot flashes on top of that and you see just how wickedly pissed off/hot I am most of the time!

        To combat this heat, and still maybe have a life, aka, go to a baseball game, I have invested in battery-operated fans. Got to love’em. When camping, at least we have a small breeze to keep me from running naked around the tight-campsites. 🙂

      2. Yes, I have NEVER ever in my entire life had a problem sleeping. I’ve been very lucky that way. I love sleep, I live for sleep. Finally after 10 years of dealing with kids who don’t sleep, they finally DO sleep but now I lay there in bed with a fan on full blast listening to my husband snore all night. It’s very frustrating. Although I have caught up on my late-night TV watching….

        (I’m giggling at your campsight comment!)

  3. I hope i don’t get my ass kicked for being male and “liking” a post on menopause.

    After years of me begging, my wife finally started walking around the house in the nude or nearly nude. When I took notice, she hit me in the head with the remote. The only upside was she stopped hogging all the blankets.

    1. Ass kicked? Never. I applaud you for being a very brave man!

      And, see that’s the problem. We finally want to be naked all the time, but we just don’t want you guys to come near us, touch us or look at us. Tough break, huh?

    1. Oh dear god I hope that day comes for me, too. I had a partial hysterectomy at 39 and I have one ovary left (had the other ovary removed at 31) so I pray my perimenopausal days take the fast train to full-on menopause earlier than most women so I can just get this stuff over with. My obgyn pretty much warned me I would.

    1. I never thought I’d be opening the freezer and sticking my head in for a reason other than seeing if there’s ice cream in there, Lenore. (although, I still check for that as well…)

  4. I have found one weird symptom, I get “hot flashes” in my feet and sometimes lower legs. The energy moving through them makes them cooking hot. But this doesn’t just happens for a little while; it can go on for a few hours.

    Oh, the zits? I just pop ’em. The irritability? Peanut M&M’s and diet Coke. And I warn everyone to steer clear. The palpitation? I just roll with them. Ahh, the joys!

    1. I can’t say as I’ve experienced my legs cooking…yet. I’m sure the flames that erupt from my head will make their way down my body slowly and painfully as the years go by. So something to look forward to.

      The zit thing is very disturbing. I haven’t dealt with zits since high school and really didn’t have many then either. But now? I always have at least one and it’s always right on my nose or the middle of my chin. That combined with my gray hairs, wrinkles and flashes, I am a hot mess.

  5. That sounds like hell, but I get menstrual migraines and I have been praying for menopause for decades. I must be nowhere near it because I am cold all the time. When it’s 70 out I always say, “It’s pretty chilly. Are you chilly?” Maybe I’m just skipping over it and right into old age because dang that David Letterman sure is cute.

    1. Oh I hear ya! A few years ago I was shifting from feeling ice cold to steaming hot within seconds. I’d have a flash, then chills. I still do get very cold sometimes. My hands will be like ice. Hormones are lovely, aren’t they?

  6. Gee, what a barrel of laughs to look forward to. I’ve never liked the heat, so those hot flashes are probably going to do me in. Maybe I’ll just drink a lot when menopause kicks in so I won’t care so much.

    1. Drinking works for me. Before this, I was always cold and wearing a sweater in the summer. But now I could run buck naked around the streets in January and be totally comfortable. My neighbors wouldn’t be very comfortable with it but that’s okay because I’d be drunk and not even care.

  7. where did you find those adorable cartoons to go with your post? Your posts are such fun!! just love them! i just hope you’re exaggerating the menopausal bit. cause that doesn’t sound too good and now menopausal is no longer far off future but somewhere very foreseeable. Please tell me this is an exaggeration!! please! pretty please!!

    1. All I can say is, enjoy yourself now!

      Oh, no, I shouldn’t say that, I shouldn’t be so blunt.

      But yeah. Enjoy yourself now.

      I suppose the light at the end of the tunnel is menopause will happen one day and it will all be over and I’ll be free from it all. I just have no idea when that will happen, could be 5 or 10 years from now.

  8. I’m sorry, but you are far too young to be nearing menopause. I know this because you and I are, if I remember correctly, about the same age, and there is NO WAY I am old enough to start thinking about this. And I haven’t felt any of these things, so by extension, neither have you. It must all be in your head. These are not the droids you’re looking for.

    Isn’t it funny that when I first got my period at age 12, all I could think of was, “I can’t wait until I’m old and can get rid of this bullshit!” And now, it’s turned into, “Whoa, whoa, hold on! I did not authorize this!” Judging by my older sisters, I expect I won’t actually start dealing with it until around 50, but that’s still too close for comfort.

    1. You’re right! It’s not happening! Perimenopause-schmerimenopause! Whew. I feel better already.

      Your entire comment had me laughing. I got mine at 12, too. Maybe we’re lucky though? Maybe this means we’ll hit menopause earlier?? Huh?? Right??

    1. Katy, I thought of you when I posted this because I certainly remember your post on hot flashes, it was hilarious.

      And get out! That’s right, National Menopause Month! What happens during this month? If there a special day where menopausal women meet-up in an sub-zero air-conditioned place to gorge on chocolate and bitch and moan about their husbands?

      1. I think that the large number of baby boomers in or near menopause is what is causing this “Global Warming” stuff I keep hearing about.

        And yes, you sound very young – at least to my ancient ears…

  9. #3 is very close to home. I can add the fun menopause fact of swimming in a sea of sweat soaked sheets at night. I have actually dreamt that I am drowning.

    1. And I also am starting to completely wake up at odd times. I’ll fall asleep no problem, then I’m awake an hour later staring at the clock. This repeats off and on all night long. Must add to my overall pissed-off mood I’m guessing…

      1. If only a drunken stupor would get me a good night’s sleep. I just end up going to the bathroom to pee every few hours.

        I think the last time I slept a solid straight 8 hours was back in 2000. Right before I got pregnant. Ah, yes…(cue Edith and Archie Bunker) those were the days…..!

  10. I don’t want to frighten you, but some women, when they exit the menopausal stage, tend to go a little bit kooky-dooky. As in, whackydoodle in the head. Just ask my sister. She’s 62. (rolling on the floor, laughing a little bit too much at my own funny). Ha-ha-ha-ha

    I will say that after my hysterectomy (at age 47), I was utterly delighted to find that most of the hot flashes and other symptoms disappeared. I’ve been celebrating ever since. Now I’m 52, and even though I still sometimes experience mild hot flashes, it is nothing compared to what I was plagued with from about 40-47. Now I feel like dancing. And smiling. No more crushing abdominal cramping, or melt-your-skin-completely-off-the-bone hot flashes. But I’m still pissed off most of the time. Apparently that one is optional.

    1. Kooky-dooky? Whackydoodle?? But I’m already those things and I’m barely 42 years old! Good god.

      But thanks, you’ve given me a bit of hope. I certainly don’t have to endure the cramping periods anymore (had a partial hysterectomy a few years ago) but I’m holding out hope for the end of hot flashes. But your last two lines made me laugh because I truly feel sorry for my husband now.

  11. What about the strange hair that suddenly begins to grow out of your chin? And it must feed on zit cream as it can grow a half inch over night. My hairstylist never lets me leave her shop without doing the chin hair search.

    1. haha!! Ooooh boy! What?! Hair on chin? Huh? I have no idea what you’re talking about at all, Renee. Not one bit!

      (Are you buying this? No? didn’t think so…)

      Apparently it’s a little known fact that women can sprout tiny soul patches and goatees in mid life, who knew?

  12. Re hot flashes, see first post on In nature’s defense, I’ve said for a long time now that our eyesight gets bad with age so our friends still look good to us.

  13. Running from Hell with El

    OMG–this is hilarious. I am still 40 but I’ve been hot ever since I had my third kid at age 35 . . . and I am guilty of #10!! LOL! Thank you for the laugh!

    1. Ooh, you are way too lucky. Well, take your average bitchy mood now, then multiply by 1,000 and you’ll be close to what it’s like to be burning up from the inside off and on all day long.

  14. Carefully leaving a block of chocolates in the comments section and slowly backing away whilst wearing a smiling George Clooney mask…

    (insert chocolate here)

    1. Y’know, now that I’m not currenly having a hot flash and have come back down to earth, I would think Regis getting frisky would be nothing short of a nightmare for me. [shudders] Now Darren Criss getting frisky? He always does in the conversations I have with him in my head. But I tell him he only has eyes for you. (that has to be the strangest thing I’ve typed out in awhile….)

  15. I’m so glad I’m past this stage. Ah, the hot flashes are starting to subside.

    But wait, I’ve done cranky/grumpy for so long maybe I just went from Man-o-pause to post-Man-o-pause! hehehe

  16. As a blogger on the Other Side of Menopause, I only have a small bit of advice to share. Look at the hot flashes like you’re burning away everything extraneous. It truly helps. I know. I’ve been there. (Came here via Dana, who perhaps we both adore.)

  17. Yeah, walking around asking everyone else if they’re hot or cold, checking the thermostat regularly and having my 10-yr-old comment on my “sunburned” cheeks is almost as annoynig as the discomfort. Streaking through my house naked and lunging for a mummy bag sums it up perfectly. (Of course, this is impossible with my kids who constantly find hysterical and overweight women on television pointing out, “There’s mom!”

  18. Thank God there others out there going through this.

    One thing to add to your list – you stop wearing any fabric that isn’t 100% breathable cotton! I have a little fan that tilts and it has become my best friend; in the hot humid months of summer, it has prevented homicides. 🙂 Restaurant choices now consist of not whether the food is good but if we’ll be inside in the AC *(where hubbs will freeze) or outside growing horns on the deck. Grrr.

    On the flip side ….. yeah there isn’t one.


  19. Deborah the Closet Monster

    Between this and living with my “second mom” while she was going through menopause, I can’t say I’m super excited for menopause. Perhaps I should take extra care to enjoy what I’ve got (a.k.a. “not-menopause”) now? I’ll try. What’s certain is that I’ll be giggling at your posts as long as you keep posting ’em in the meantime!

    p.s. The electricity bill bit? That made me chuckle. Since the thermostat’s locked and set to freezing, I have to keep a space heater in my office as a menopause-related temperature combat measure!

    1. That’s the thing, Deb. These hot flashes alternate with severe chills. So I’ll be burning up from the inside, then feel like I’m freezing to death. And this goes up and down all the time. And men wonder why we get a bit bitchy?

  20. #4, yes me! I was fortunate to spend my adolescent years virtually clear-faced. Why am I a pimply mess now? Why?

    I didn’t even know I missed this post. My neighbor reads your blog (hi, Martha) and mentioned today how funny it was. Huh? What menopause post? So sorry I’m several days late to the party.

    1. I have more zits now than I have ever had in my entire life.

      And, please, when you stop by Martha’s to borrow a cup of sugar, ask if she has any extra pb cups laying around. Oh, and tell her I said, “hey!”

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