June is coming at me full speed now and this can only mean one thing:
Countdown to End of Days = T minus 2
Two school days until both kids are home with me all day.
Both of them.
For almost three months.
Serenity now! Serenity now! SERENITY NOW!!!! I can do this! Stay cool! Everything’s going to be all right! Deep breaths! Deeeeep breaths. There! Much, much better! I need to appreciate these days with my kids! That’s right! Cherish them! They won’t last forever! It will all be okay! I just need to appreciate it! Appreciate!! Dammit, I will appreciate this time I have with my kids while they’re still young. Because that’s what they tell me to do….deep breaths……serenity….now…whew! I feel better.
Just had to get that out of my system, sorry.
That’s right, kids! Summer’s here! Time to break out the bug spray! Slather on the sunscreen! Slap on your water wings! Moms and Dads, put the lawnchair inside the kiddie pool, crack open a cold one, and inhale the chlorine fumes! Let the summa begin, hellions! (and when I say hellions, I mean it in the sweetest, most motherly way possible, of course…)
Something happens to kids right before school gets out. Their nervous systems short circuit, they start running around at top speed, babbling nonsense, bouncing off each other like they’re in a pinball machine. Take the excitement kids feel on Christmas Eve and then multiply it by a million, then subtract the number of brain cells mom will lose by the end of August and you’ll have zero, because it all evens out, doesn’t it?
My son was so excited to have Field Day at school last week, it was all he talked about. Yesterday my daughter ran over to me and hugged me tight. Then she looked up at me with worried eyes and said, “Mom, I don’t want to go to Field Day! Please, don’t make me go! Why is the teacher taking us to a field? I don’t like fields. They’re boring and there’s bugs and I won’t go to Field Day, I just won’t. Please, Mommy, don’t make me go to The Field!”
With summer comes the start of endless boredom and with that the
Endless Questions. So far this week I’ve been asked about tons of things and I didn’t have any inkling as to what might be the correct answer to any of them.
Mom, who invented math?
Well, you see, kids. Back in the caveman days of….yore….(ahem) there once lived a caveman and a cavewoman. They owned one cave. They got married and combined their rocks and sticks into one big pile to share. One day the cavewoman saw her cavehusband riding around town in his convertible with the top down with another much younger, more attractive cavewoman. When he came home, she threw the sticks and rocks in his face and told him half of everything was hers, including the cave and convertible. Then she handed him a huge lawyer bill. And so math was invented. End of story.
Mommy, who invented words and sentences?
Oh, great question! Let’s see…um…. Once upon a time there was a caveman. He lived alone. Caveman made fire. Caveman hunted and gathered. Caveman grunted a lot to himself. Caveman lived in harmony with nature. Caveman’s life was good, real good. One day, cavewoman moved in. And never stopped talking. Words were invented. End of story.
Grrr! Gah! Ugh! Ooga-booga-ooga!!!
(translation: Why me let woman in? Why woman don’t stop talk now? I ask her how her day was and she go on and on and on. Me very angry now! Me head gonna explode! Someone please kill me now with rock!)
I pray my kids never ask me where babies come from.
My daughter lost two of her front bottom teeth recently. She has this lovely gap and looks like she’s been roughed up in a hockey game. Today she informed me her top front tooth was about to fall out and the one next to it was “super wiggly”. At this rate, she might end up needing dentures soon or start drinking her hamburgers through a straw. The only plus side is now she can pronounce everything with a TH sound and maybe even whistle while she talks.
Happy Summer everyone…May your days be hazy, lazy, and a little less crazy than mine.