June is coming at me full speed now and this can only mean one thing:
Countdown to End of Days = T minus 2
Two school days until both kids are home with me all day.
Both of them.
Every day.
For almost three months.
Serenity now! Serenity now! SERENITY NOW!!!! I can do this! Stay cool! Everything’s going to be all right! Deep breaths! Deeeeep breaths. There! Much, much better! I need to appreciate these days with my kids! That’s right! Cherish them! They won’t last forever! It will all be okay! I just need to appreciate it! Appreciate!! Dammit, I will appreciate this time I have with my kids while they’re still young. Because that’s what they tell me to do….deep breaths……serenity….now…whew! I feel better.
[Sigh]
Just had to get that out of my system, sorry.
That’s right, kids! Summer’s here! Time to break out the bug spray! Slather on the sunscreen! Slap on your water wings! Moms and Dads, put the lawnchair inside the kiddie pool, crack open a cold one, and inhale the chlorine fumes! Let the summa begin, hellions! (and when I say hellions, I mean it in the sweetest, most motherly way possible, of course…)
Something happens to kids right before school gets out. Their nervous systems short circuit, they start running around at top speed, babbling nonsense, bouncing off each other like they’re in a pinball machine. Take the excitement kids feel on Christmas Eve and then multiply it by a million, then subtract the number of brain cells mom will lose by the end of August and you’ll have zero, because it all evens out, doesn’t it?
*******************
My son was so excited to have Field Day at school last week, it was all he talked about. Yesterday my daughter ran over to me and hugged me tight. Then she looked up at me with worried eyes and said, “Mom, I don’t want to go to Field Day! Please, don’t make me go! Why is the teacher taking us to a field? I don’t like fields. They’re boring and there’s bugs and I won’t go to Field Day, I just won’t. Please, Mommy, don’t make me go to The Field!”
*********************
With summer comes the start of endless boredom and with that the
Endless Questions. So far this week I’ve been asked about tons of things and I didn’t have any inkling as to what might be the correct answer to any of them.
Mom, who invented math?
Well, you see, kids. Back in the caveman days of….yore….(ahem) there once lived a caveman and a cavewoman. They owned one cave. They got married and combined their rocks and sticks into one big pile to share. One day the cavewoman saw her cavehusband riding around town in his convertible with the top down with another much younger, more attractive cavewoman. When he came home, she threw the sticks and rocks in his face and told him half of everything was hers, including the cave and convertible. Then she handed him a huge lawyer bill. And so math was invented. End of story.
Mommy, who invented words and sentences?
Oh, great question! Let’s see…um…. Once upon a time there was a caveman. He lived alone. Caveman made fire. Caveman hunted and gathered. Caveman grunted a lot to himself. Caveman lived in harmony with nature. Caveman’s life was good, real good. One day, cavewoman moved in. And never stopped talking. Words were invented. End of story.
Grrr! Gah! Ugh! Ooga-booga-ooga!!!
[grunting, groaning]
(translation: Why me let woman in? Why woman don’t stop talk now? I ask her how her day was and she go on and on and on. Me very angry now! Me head gonna explode! Someone please kill me now with rock!)
I pray my kids never ask me where babies come from.
***********************
My daughter lost two of her front bottom teeth recently. She has this lovely gap and looks like she’s been roughed up in a hockey game. Today she informed me her top front tooth was about to fall out and the one next to it was “super wiggly”. At this rate, she might end up needing dentures soon or start drinking her hamburgers through a straw. The only plus side is now she can pronounce everything with a TH sound and maybe even whistle while she talks.
Happy Summer everyone…May your days be hazy, lazy, and a little less crazy than mine.
She's A Maineiac 
But the who invented summer vacation?
Teachers.
Back in the day, the whole family was working on the farm in the summer months. Think about that life. We’d all be out in the fields sweatin’ and swearin’, milking cows, feeding chickens, canning food, washing clothes on the rocks of the river bank … and so on. 🙂
Tar, why does all that sound so much more appealing than watching Spongebob ad nauseum, listening to “I’m bored” whining or yelling at the kids to ‘go outside’?!
Who invented summer vacations – teachers. Ain’t that the truth? Every spring, thousands of small children are injured as their own teachers knock them to the ground in their rush to get out of the building first.
Yep. It’s their payback to us for the first day of school. I’ll take it. I get three months. They get eight. Seems a bit one-sided.
Ha! You nailed the parent holiday dread. My little miss Ape lost three teeth in the space of two weeks last month. I was beginning to think that she was part of an underground little kiddie fight club.
Kiddie fight club! She is very close to having no front teeth at all. Makes the perfect space for a straw though.
I do look forward to spending summer with the kiddos. But that fades around mid-July. Then I just want a routine again. Or some semblance or no chaos.
Ha ha! On the flip side, yesterday at 9pm, my school year ended with our graduation ceremony. My countdown is done! Yeah! Woo hoo! First day off.
But I know from experience just how fast this time will go. And before I can say “sufferin’ succotash”, school days will be back late August. We’ll see how much I get done on my super list of things to accomplish. I can say though that there will NOT be a weight challenge this summer.
Peace be with you, Maineiac! Enjoy your childen and all their questions 🙂
It is incredible how fast summers go though, isn’t it? Bam, it’s fourth of July! And after that, it’s pretty much all over. So I will try my darndest to appreciate the hell out of these days. It will be my last summer with the kids before I go back to work and school myself.
Someday you will look back on the crazy with fondness. My kids used to get mad at me for doing the ‘back to school dance’ in September – so I stopped, but I was still dancing in my head. Now I would give my eyeteeth for the innocence of those summer days of old.
Oh, I will be dancing like everyone’s watching! I have no shame. I look forward to the end of summer as much as I look forward to the beginning. Such is a life of a mom. But I am already looking back and missing the old summers when my kids were really little so I know I’ll miss these days.
Awwww. Your comment makes me sad, especially because I’ve been doing the “get outside and play and please stop asking me what we’re doing today” dance, which has nothing to do with my feet, and makes my wrinkles more pronounced. I’ll keep your comment in mind when my youngest superglues my iphone to her American Girl doll’s hand because she’s playing “I wanna be just like mommy.” =)
Yes, keep these thoughts in your mind at all time. Along with ‘serenity now’. It will all be okay. I promise. And the second your husband comes home, hand over the kids and grab a little glass of wine. This too helps.
Stacie – I still have white out on the leg of my dining room table, and the son who did it is 26! (I know, what does this say about me?)
haha! Yikes! I thought this sort of thing gets better with time? no?
he did it 24 years ago – you should be remarking on my poor housekeeping
Oh! hahahaha! Sounds like me, too…so I’d never comment on anyone’s poor housekeeping skills…
It also means that there’s only a few more days (5 more, here) until I don’t have anyone else’s kids! Yay!
Ah, yes. The teachers are behind this summer vacation scheme. I totally blame you, Mr. B.
But just think, soon enough you too will be suffering along with the rest of us parents. mwa ha ha!
uh…I mean cherishing, not suffering. Cherishing these days.
Boy, teachers and moms have an entirely different take on this topic, don’t they? Way to put the funny in the eternal, summer dilemma – cheer or swear?
I just casually noticed we’re both in GG’s caption contest finals again. Isn’t that great? Yours definitely deserves to win, it’s so clever. So good luck, buddy!
Look how Peg is all, “Good luck, Buddy!”, while composing a “vote for me!” post.
Don’t fall for her well wishes, Darla. She’s out to win – Win – WIN! Mwahahahaha.
Suck-up. Snitch.
Bwahahahahahaha!
I know! Bah! The nerve of that woman. I’m not worried. I have Mr. Skittles on the phone right now and he’s on his way….we will defeat Ms. Pegoleg this time around, I swear!
My vote’s with you, Darla. I mean, I already voted for Peg. I mean, is it hot in here?
ah! Peg! I certainly don’t think that’s any way to be talking to my best blogging buddy, Lenore! She doesn’t deserve that!
By the way, Lenore, you are looking marvelous today. Have you been working out?
Spoon lifts. Works up a serious sweat. Thanks for noticing, Darling. I mean, Darla. Oh, hey Peg.
Lenore, I can totally tell those spoon lifts are really doing the job for you – you look so toned and fit!
Peg, I see how it is now.
I thought D-Woww and I were BBB’s (best blogging buddies), but a little contest comes along, and …
BAM!!!
She switches allegiance all of a sudden to Lenore Diane. Hmm …
Hey, settle down there, MJ. If you would just go over and vote for me, our relationship status would be updated to Bestest Blogging Buddies once again and all would be all right with the world.
MJ, I’ve been meaning to tell you how dapper you look in your cap – very British gentleman. Pip, pip, cheerio, wot?
Thanks Peg! And thanks for keeping the hijack of D’s blog going. We should see how long we can stay on one particular post. 🙂
Hey–unless you’ve voted for me already, MJ, I might have to have Mr. Skittles escort you out…but if you have voted for me, then, by all means, stay and hijack!
MJ–don’t listen to her!
And my, oh, my you are looking very hot in those glasses. Did I ever tell you I love a man who wears glasses??
Okay, it’s official:
We’re back to Bestest Blogging Buddies. My vote is in for shesamaineiac (I always want to type ack-ack-ack-ack after that word like that song that says Cadilac-ack-ack-ack-ack. Is that Billy Joel, maybe?).
Unfortunately, Peg’s puttin’ a whoopin’ on yee, my friend. She’s got you by 15% right now. 😦
Unfortunately??? Really? MJ, you’ve cut me to the quick. I tell everybody we’re like this (holds up 2 fingers, intertwined). Don’t let Darla work her feminine wiles on you.
Hmm, what can I say that won’t get me in trouble with two of my fave ladies. Um, nothing probably.
*hangs head in shame*
Off to vote for Peg, now. Gotta go!
I don’t have any kids, but, God, do I remember how it felt as a kid! You have captured that perfectly. And for the parent? The lawn chair in the kiddie pool may be the one image that epitomizes that experience! Truly, love that one!
Wishing you a sane summer!
Hugs,
Kathy
Me too, Kathy. Sitting in the kiddie pool with a cold beer sure does beat the heat a bit.
Pretty soon they’ll be saying, “Mom, I’m bored! What are we going to do today?
They’ve already said it a million times and school’s not even out yet. How is this possible, Jackie?
Summer vacation is dumb. We should have year round school with more frequent shorter vacations. Then there would be no brain drain and we wouldn’t all want to kill each other all the time.
Darla, just be grateful — you don’t have to get through a bar mitzvah the weekend that school ends. Poor planning on my part. Yes it was. But it shall be over soon. T -15 days here.
Really? You’d rather have shorter vacations? You don’t think your students would drive you batty? Hmm…maybe that’s not such a bad idea. Smaller doses of crazy.
Ooh, how exciting about his bar mitzvah! I’m sure you’ll be thrilled for it to finally get here and relieved to have it over soon at the same time. I hope you get some time off this summer.
Renee, or nay-nay, as I now call you, what were you thinking having a bm right after school getting out? Moms love punishment, don’t they.
Sorry D, I’m just hijacking your blog again.
Haha, MJ– I just glanced at the “bm” abbreviation and immediately thought “bowel movement”. (Must be all those medical articles I had to read back in the day.) Just to clarify: we should not have bm’s (bar mitzvahs) after school gets out, but we should all have bm’s (bowel movements) EVERY DAY, regardless of whether school is in or out. 🙂
You are too funny Dana. I actually thought the same as you, but I love abbreviations so much, I still went with it. 🙂
Thx!
Clearly I was not thinking. That was a really bad idea. But Tech is ready to go. I’m the one losing my mind. And D likes when we hijack. Maybe. And for real, my best friend calls me Nay-Nay, as do a lot of 5-year olds!
Well I’m closer in mental age to the 5-year-olds, so that makes perfect sense! And I like nicknames.
Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Oh my god! Yeah, I also immediately thought, hmm…now why is MJ calling Renee out on her bowel movement habits? Is this what my blog has come to?
MJ and Dana, you both are cracking me up today!
Like Kathy, I have no kids, but I do remember those days. I remember learning never to tell my mother I was bored, or I’d wind up with a dust cloth in my hand and a head full of unhappy admonitions. I mean I can remember the face she made. It’s one of the main reasons I’m childless. Well, one of a lot of main reasons. Point is, there’s something about summer that makes adults feel like bad parents who are losing their minds, because they know they’re SUPPOSED to adore their children but really they just want them to go away. Or, when they’re older, get a job and get off the couch and stop stinking up the house with their funk. Don’t be ashamed. I think it’s normal.
I am already thinking of a quick response to “I’m bored” by telling them to wash the car or clean out the litter box. Must get a cat first.
Yes, you’ve hit the nail on the head. We love our kids dearly, we really do cherish these moments. But we also want them to go outside here and there before we completely lose our ever-lovin minds. It’s just natural to want to hold onto our sanity a bit, y’know? I like to be sane. Keeps me sane.
Where do you come up with this stuff? The caveman stuff is priceless. I leave for Maine Saturday–looking forward to an entire summer on the road, locked up in small cars and airplanes, with my kids. Yeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaw–the insanity begins.
I’d like to think this stuff comes from the dark corners of my mind but I suspect it has more to do with my steady M&M and twinkies diet.
Enjoy your trip up here. You picked a good weekend. Sunny and 80s Sunday and Monday…
Yeah well… our kids have been out since before Memorial Day. This week and next, though, they are taking part in a science camp. They have a construction camp in July. I’m not sure if that means they will be standing on a street holding a sign and flipping it from “slow” to “stop”. I should probably look into that.
Oh, you are so lucky. No camps for my kids this year. Just Camp Mama. Last year of that though once I get a job.
Y’know, I hear there’s big money in construction flagging jobs. Maine employs about 10,000 flaggers and they all currently work within a 5 mile radius of my house.
Ha ha! That’s hysTERical, Lenore. You crack me up! I guess I don’t really tell you often enough how much I truly appreciate our special bond, do I? Old pal. Except you’re NOT old, you’re just so YOUNG looking!
Slow down there, toots. Can I call you, toots? Take it easy up in here, Miss P. There will be plenty-o-time for the sucking up tomorrow when Mr. Skittles and I post our Caption Contest plea to crush you and your minions once and for all.
p.s. mwa ha haaaaaa!!!!
p.p.s. Lenore, You are a hottie. Straight up. And hilarious as all get-out. You are the whole package, girl. All that and a bag of chips with a side of slaw.
…and a double-fudge chocolate cake with ice cream and a cherry on top!
Finally, I am noticed. Who cares if it is for my talent, humor, lack of talent, or lack of humor. Regardless of why the notice – I am just thrilled to be noticed. Peg, I knew I liked you best. Oh, hey Darla.
My kids are grown now, but I remember the strange mix of dread and happy anticipation at the start of each summer.
I bet it’s something you never forget. This summer will go by fast so I’m not too worried. It’s around late August when my last nerve starts to fray.
The field trip thing is hysterical! I am so with her. Fields are for the birds. Literally.
I actually really DO want to hear your birds and bees answer. Caveman style, obviously. Oh man. That killed me.
The field trip thing killed me because she was really petrified, the look on her little face!
And, I am writing a lovely post all about the history of sex for next week. Stay tuned…
Did Peg say “double fudge chocolate cake?” I don’t remember anything after that…
You know it. I got you, Patti.
mmm mmmm!
Darla — heads up: I’m going to unfollow and then re-follow you. I just tried that with another blogger, and it got them back in my Reader! 🙂
Whew! thanks for the warning. I saw the email notification about you subscribing and I thought: wow, after all this time and all we’ve been through, she didn’t ever want to follow me?!
Darla, I feel your pain. T minus 6 days left, here. But 3 days next week are what I call non-days: field trip, all school play day, and the last day is a short assembly for awards and that’s it. Only because my little man cries so much about school and has such a hard time with it, am I actually glad it’s going to be over soon. The good news is, we signed his IEP today!!! I can only dream that next year will be better. But, in the meanwhile, this summer we’re going to play, play, play! And I can’t wait to get out there to Maine in August!!!
I bet your little man and you are looking forward to a little time off from all the stress and pressure. Yay, about the IEP! I know next year will be better. Enjoy yourselves this summer, you guys really deserve it.
What do I have to say? Hmm …
Grrr! Gah! Ugh! Ooga-booga-ooga!!!
Definitely spot-on with the how language came about (and still happening around this here cave).
Did I hear the sound of you popping a beer? “Pfffttt.”
Yep, unfortunately, the nonstop talking thing never really slows down does it? And now my poor husband has a five year old version of me that also chatters nonstop.
And that was a beer. You know me all too well.
I’m THERE already, Darla! My first day of summer was last Thursday, after having a sick kid at home all week, after field day, after a 4th grade field trip, after three days of book fair, after…
AAAAH! I was so looking forward to summer. I reFUSE to let them take my joy. So far, so good. Your caveman explanations…I might have to adopt them. They are just way too perfect and entertaining to all-get-out. You’re a hoot. We’ll see how that caveman sex talk goes for ya.
Guess what? You weren’t in my reader (where’d you go?). Then I noticed you changed your address…again. *ugh* So I was mad. I clicked Un-Follow. Then I felt bad. So I forgave you and clicked Follow. HEY! Now your in my reader again. And they lived happily ever after. THE END.
I am so happy that you came around to re-follow me again. I am sorry I’ve been such a bad friend not showing up in your reader and all. I will try to do better next time. But I can’t promise anything. This summer will likely suck every last brain cell remaining out of my head so I’ll be lucky to even post here and there.
On this 100th post thing, doesn’t it count (at least as “weird”) that my pingback in the summer would have been the 99th comment? And then someone else went and commented after me which ruined my 100th-comment party? Okay…I travel on. *rubbing hands*
My kids are in preschool still but will have the entire month of August “off” until school starts again. I’m thinking of packing up and leaving town. By myself of course.
I thought sentences were invented by Al Gore? I’m so confused now.
No, no– cavewomen invented sentences. Al Gore invented the internet and blogging. Ergo, Al Gore invented The Darla. And that is where babies come from.
Well played!
I just tell it like it is. 🙂
Best explanation ever. Dana, can I hire you to answer all my kids’ questions from now on?
Also, can I say how much I love that you and Tori have called me The Darla?
I used to be called The Darla Lama, true story. It was a nickname my co-workers gave me. I thought maybe it was because they thought I had all the answers but now I’m thinking they were really calling me The Darla Llama because I spit when I talked.
The Darla Llama?! I’m spitting up as I read this! (Not grossly like a baby… more like a guffaw from the hilarity.)
When you pack up and leave town, can I come with you?
Your kids don’t ask questions year-round? I think I got a bum deal. Starts at sun up around these parts. And it never, ever ends. When will it end? At some point they have to think they know more than me, right?
They do ask questions year-round but they tend to space them out a little more. Now it’s rapid-fire questions about our existence and death and why does Justin Bieber look like that and it’s all too much for me to handle.
Everytime you come up with something that’s super awesome on the humor scale! I think I just can’t not like your stuff! And say hi to your caveman and cavewoman. And if your kids ask where do kids come from, my mom had told me you can buy them off at this toystore where she didn’t ever want me to go. I was so creeped out that my parents will get other kids, I never went there even when all my friends bought stuff from there!!
Ha! Oh, no, that’s too funny. I have told my kids that at one point they were babies and they were growing inside me but as soon as I get to that part they cover their ears and run away screaming.
I could NOT comment on this yesterday. Stupid work computers. Boo.
Anyway . . . what I WOULD HAVE said (and am gonna say now, so um, yeah) was that when I tell stories about the past, the time periods I refer to are: days of yore, yesteryear, olden days, a long long long long long time ago, and when we were kids (please refer back to the long long long time ago).
And I can’t WAIT to hear the story about how babies are born!
A lot of my own life can be summed up with: BK and AK. Before and after kids.
Oh yeah, I have the most informative post coming up–all about sex and where babies come from (according to me)
I loved the end of the school year, but then talk to me in August…some of the “Hey, let’s do this glamor” had worn off by then. Good luck.
I will surely need it, Barb. Hope you have a wonderful summer!
And happy summer to you, too, Darla! Sounds like you can offer a summer education class by the side of your kiddie pool, with all your great answers to your kids’ questions. 🙂 This complaint from your daughter, “They’re boring and there’s bugs and I won’t go to Field Day, I just won’t. Please, Mommy, don’t make me go to The Field!” made me laugh. Did she go? I never thought Field Day could be scary until I read your post!
The funny thing is, she didn’t even have a Field Day. It was just her older brother who had to go to: THE FIELD. haha!
What would I give for three months of living like a kid during summer break! No bills, no worries, no homework! No wonder they are excited. I got excited for them just reading your post. Yippee! I think I’ll take my dog to the pond and see if we can scare up some memories of summers past.
No kidding, Renee. Can you imagine? I would love to have one day with no worries and no bills! Hope you enjoyed your walk to the pond with your dog. I miss doing those things too…gotta get a dog I guess!
Super fun, Darla! I loved it when Maycee had no teeth…I don’t know why I loved it…it was just cute, LOL. Maycee got out of school last Friday and made a few small complaints about having to go to camp and not get to stay at home and “relax”. I quickly reminded her that #1: she didn’t have a choice and mommy has to work, #2: within a few short minutes of being at home and switching from playing Barbies to playing frisbee to building a tent that she only stays in for a milisecond, she’s bored. LOL! Good luck, girl!
I hear you. I was pretty close to working this summer (never did get a job yet!) but I was planning on putting both kids in summer camp at the local school. I honestly think they’d love it. At home, they do tend to get bored very quickly. Hope you have a wonderful summer!
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I love the caveman stories. My son used to ask me who was the first person to see the Moon. I wish I’d had your email address back then.