The Monkey Strikes Back

My life had been pretty dreary lately. Things seemed devoid of all joy. The spark had completely gone out of my days.

Then I woke up one morning and Bam! It dawned on me– this empty feeling was because I haven’t won The Good Greatsby’s caption contest in ages! Sure, I’ve been a finalist. But I’ve always lost, coming in dead last.

Wallowing in self-pity, I was minutes away from jumping off the little ladder in my kiddie pool, willing to submerge myself in the chlorine/urine Flavor-Ice wrapper infested waters to drown my sorrows when I came upon this week’s contest.

I was in the finals again, baby!

But my elation turned to seething anger once I realized that yet again, my archenemy (and also one of my bestest blogging buddies when we’re not battling over captions) Pegnacious and her power-hungry followers, The Peglomaniacs, are on a mission to destroy me and my caption contest dreams. Which is exactly what happened last time, if you recall. (If you don’t recall, click on this here link.)

All hope seemed lost. Until today when I heard a faint knock on my front door. Followed by some high-pitched screeching and the sounds of a hungry animal devouring the bowl full of skittles and circus peanuts I had left out the night before. I threw open my door, and when our eyes met, a wave of emotion washed over me.

It was him! He had come back to me!!

Oh! I love you, Mr. Skittles! I am sorry I abandoned you! You sweet cheeky lil’ buggah!

All was forgiven. Or so I thought. I gave him a hug. He threw a feces-filled diaper in my face. But I understood. I had that coming.

After I refilled his Skittles bowl, we sat down to begin plotting our Evil Plan to Reign Caption Contest Supreme once again.

First order of business: Put a fresh diaper on him.
Second: I instructed him to immediately get on the laptop to vote for me.

He didn’t. He voted for Laura instead.

So currently, my caption is losing by a mile. Maybe because the other captions are better. Mr. Skittles seems to think so.

But with your help, yes…all of you out there reading this and scratching your heads wondering things like, what the hell is she talking about? Who is Mr. Skittles? Why does he wear a diaper? Well, that’s neither here nor there…but with your help, if we all band together we could make a comeback.  Please, click here on this link. Then click on the caption you like best. No pressure. Just so you know, I will be keeping track of who is voting for which caption, so please be aware that there may be some free Skittles OR a dirty monkey diaper in your near future. You make the call.

Thank you.

Mr. Skittles would now like to say something to all of you. I will translate as I am very fluent in monkey.

[Mr. Skittles screeching, banging fists on head, rapidly jumping up and down, running in circles]

Me likey circus peanuts!

[Mr. Skittles scratching his head, picking off a bug, eating it, jumping onto my head, screeching at the top of his lungs and banging his fists in my face]

Me think crazy lady must change diaper again!  

Oh, haha! Aren’t you a little excited! Why thank you, Mr. Skittles! Very moving speech, indeed.

Now go and vote for the best caption. Only the best one. I know mine’s nowhere near the best. And I know we are so far behind in the poll now that all we will succeed in doing is giving Pegoleg a little scare. That’s okay. So just vote for the one you like. Mr. Skittles and I will forgive you.

I hope.

P.S. I would like to take this moment to let you all know I have some big news. As you may know, Mr. Skittles was gone for a long time, out traveling the world, sowing his wild oats and well….he is now a father. That’s right. He’s a dad. A proud papa of an adorable little bundle of joy that is currently starving, trapped in a cage, and missing his daddy back home. Don’t let this sway your vote in any way. Just thought I’d let you know.

Dada?….Please win the caption contest! I’m hungry…so very hungry…please, daddy, please come home!
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113 thoughts on “The Monkey Strikes Back

  1. You cut up the plaid jacket for a diaper! (it should be a nappy but I’m multi-lingual)

    Are you sure you haven’t won before? Hmmm… I shoudl be quiet, I’m getting caught in the middle of your campaigns and it looks like it’s going to get dirty 🙂

    1. Haha! You caught that little lie, huh? You want the truth? (Jack Nicholson yelling)You can’t handle the truth! (or something…) You got me there, Joe. I thought I’d stretch the truth a tad. What I really meant to say was…I always lose since the last time I won. Which was so very long ago! Yeah.

      1. LITTLE lie? LITTLE? You’ve won that damn contest so many times, now GG just hands over the trophy when you walk into the room.

        Looking back through the last smack-down I see you took Paul’s advice that TWO cute monkeys might do the trick. That adorable, plaid-diapered baby monkey is just going too, too far, Missy Miss.

      2. Whoa now. Back it up a sec. If you look back at this post I actually DID write:

        I haven’t won The Good Greatsby’s caption contest in ages! Sure, I’ve been a finalist. But I’ve always lost, coming in dead last.

        It’s all true. I never said I never won, just that I haven’t in ages. See that subtle difference there? Huh? And I have come in dead last more times than I’d like to admit, that is the truth and I KNOW you can’t handle the truth!!

        And I did take Paul’s advice about the 2 monkey thing. I have no shame in that. But I see you also have no shame in plastering on your blog the same picture of a sad, lonely Pegoleg wearing a lovely powder blue bridesmaid’s dress, when the last time we had a showdown YOU took home all the glory!

        Now if you’ll exCUSE me I have the best damn caption comeback in history to orchestrate!

        [burying head in hands and weeping] It’s all too much pressure, man!

    2. Girls, am I gonna have to give you both a timeout??

      You know you’re both winners in my book. I’m so proud.
      *big crocodile tear hits floor next to plaid encumbered monkey*

      I seem to recall both of you winning contests, and mj not winning any. Oh sure, give me that crap about “you have to enter to win.” Well, nanny nanny boo boo to you.

      May the best caption win. I did NOT vote several times for D-Woww. Okay, maybe I did do what I said I did not do. *speaks in Bill Clinton southern drawl*

      1. Nanny nanny boo boo has to be my favorite comment ever, MJ.

        And you know….you really SHOULD start entering in these contests. It’s loads of fun, think of all the trash talking. Good times!

  2. Ha. Glad Mr. Skittles made it back to you…when he left here he left a trail of Skittles wrappers and a pile of dirty diapers behind the refrigerator. Which my husband smelled and asked “Are you making cabbage soup again?” His little one sure is a cutie in his designer diaper. Do you think Mr. Skittles will do a vlog, and can he twirl a baton?

    Oh, by the way – you and Peg are both finalists in the 7 Deadly Sins – Envy contest going on over yonder…

    1. I forgot Mr. Skittles was visiting you for a while. Can you tell me his weaknesses? Not for any reason except general interest. I wouldn’t try to sabotage him, of course. BWaaaaaa!

      Great news about the Envy contest! You sure had a boatload of great entries – I’m thrilled!

      1. All I know is he spent most of his time here eating my snacks from the top of the refrigerator because my dog kept him “treed” there. So I guess his weakness would be a fear of big, long-toothed dogs. I would be happy to ship mine to you…

        He is a fickle little shit (the monkey, not my dog). I hope he doesn’t break Darla’s heart by jumping ship (again).

      2. I am also thrilled to be a finalist, Katy! This is very exciting.

        Well, I just want to let you guys know that I am off now to bring my daughter to her last day of preschool this afternoon. Yup. Last day. My daughter is growing up and I’m on the brink of losing it. Almost to the point where if anything else goes wrong…say, like losing another caption contest to Peg, I might have to go back into that kiddie pool. That’s all. Ok, off to find some kleenex now….sniff…sniff…

    2. Oh! Katy! That’s right! He was with YOU! (still laughing at the cabbage soup line)

      Can you kindly explain to me how in the hell he had time to create any offspring? Because I’m thinking this little monkey baby is just too cute to really be his…
      but I’ll take his word for it. He knows he has to win this contest for me or I’m shipping him directly to Pegoleg’s house next. Let her clean up the poop for a change.

      1. You know, that little one really doesn’t look like Mr. Skittles, now does he? I hope some simian floozy hasn’t made false paternity claims…maybe we should book them on the Maury show after all this caption contest/writing contest bloodbath is finished.

  3. I was JUST going to say I see you are paired up in the 7 Deadly Sins thang. You two really should stop working against each other and become like the Wonder Twins. And one of you can take the form of something totally cool and the other one can always be some kind of water. 😉

      1. Wait a minute I wasn’t sure if this was some friendly rival sledging or a concerned nut distributor making sure clientele was not departing. If I look at the info on the back of this bag of “Circus-O-Nuts” I am currently munching on it says manufactured by Pegoleg Inc. It also says says “May contain traces of nuts”.

    1. What? oh no, I really need your help, Ape! If anyone can find it in their heart to vote for my pathetic caption, I would hope it would be the one with an avatar of a chimp eating what I’m guessing is chili.

      1. You are ruthless, Miss P.! I was over on your blog throwing all kinds of compliments at your minions and you come over here and just try to humiliate and intimidate mine?

        Good job, I am impressed!

      2. Nah…no matter. Their Darla’s anyway. *dropping pom-pom handles to ground* She paid me to it. Geez, I’m glad I didn’t opt for the baton-twirling like she wanted me to do. Would hate to see how THAT turned out.

        Now, Mr. Skittles, are you gonna let her get away with that? Go get her!! Go pull her hair!!

      3. You know? These blogger-against-blogger contests are a bit like having to choose which one of my dirty kiddos is really my favorite. Duh. They’re ALL my favorite!!

        May the most vindictive..er, uh, BEST chick win.

      4. Hey, Peg…psst. I think Shannon just called us ‘dirty kiddos’. Suddenly I feel so ashamed. What has this contest done to us, Peg? It’s tearing us apart! I don’t know if I can go on like this…Paul is a wise but cruel man, pitting us against each other again in the hopes we’ll obliterate ourselves, leaving him free to rule the universe. Whaddya say we call a truce? Huh, Pegoliciousness?

        Nah, on second thought: bring it on! I’m gonna crush you and your heels into dust!!

      5. You’re right! It’s all clear to me now. Paul sits back on his throne, master of all he surveys, and has us do all the heavy lifting of driving up his site stats. It’s diabolical, is what it is. You and me – bestest buds forever!!!!

    1. That’s right. You can’t resist. Just reach over….take your hand…and click on my caption. Don’t think about it too much. Just do it.

      Thank you for helping us fight the good fight against evil.

    1. Get out. I thought I was in third on Mr. B’s? Well, this would be the height of my blogging career for sure. I can retire now! (again)

      And I want to take this moment to tell you, Susie, that I love you. I love your vlogs, I love your dance moves. And well, it’s hard for me to say this but…I love that you voted for me twice. You rock!!

      1. I love you MORE, Susie! Don’t forget you’re locked in mortal combat with Darla over at Byronic Man. She’s your natural, sworn enemy! Don’t get all soft on me now – crush her! In a real loving, friendly way, of course.

      2. Ooh! Darn it all to heck!! Every time I turn around there you are Peg again–you evil manipulator of evil. Yeah, that’s right! I said ‘evil’ twice. Payback is a bitch. Or so I’ve heard, I’m not really the vengeful type….

  4. Oh this is great. I am so glad to see I am not the only one who pimps out her caption contest entry. I feel I am amongst friends here!

    And as the current title holder (ahem) I feel my vote should be weighted as a double vote. Have Paul get on that, will ya.

    I voted for you earlier in the week when he anounced the finalists. I will do so again (is that allowed? Is it once a day?).

    And now I anxiously await Peg’s rebuttal. In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .

      1. I would really love some advice here, Misty. As the current title holder (SO very deserved) you’re just so talented and wise in the ways of caption contests.

        By the way, is that Passion Berry toenail polish? So cute and uber-trendy!

        1. You know, you have to appreciate a girl who’s willing to change tactics mid-contest. From badgering to complimenting is a big leap. Good for you, Peg, for being so flexible! 😉

          And it’s actually “I Eat Mainely Lobster” on my toes. But thanks for the compliment!! 🙂

  5. Miss Darliciousness, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I started something I’m not going to be able to finish. I’m heading out of town this afternoon and will be incommunicado all weekend. I probably won’t be back in front of a computer until Monday morning, when I will learn whether I should gloat obnoxiously (if I win), or eat humble pie (when you win). Of course there is a third possibility that somebody else would win, but,….pbbbst to that.

    Maybe someone will take up my banner and hold it high, taking my place by engaging in the noble art of casting taunting smack-talk all over the interwebz. A girl can only hope.

    And, in conclusion, let me just thank all those who appreciate a caption containing a bittersweet combination of sad and funny, over mere, milk-out-the-nose laughs. Thank you, and have a pleasant weekend.

    1. Yes, you go off and have a good weekend, Peg.

      Without a computer.

      Who knows what will happen while you’re gone?

      Pbbbst.

      I just opened up my third Pabst Blue Ribbon and it’s ice cold and delicious. As tasty and cold as my revenge when I come back to rip victory out of your hands.

      Have a good weekend! Hope you get some sun!

      1. Third PBR, Darlonski? Is it even after noon there in the wilds of Maine? Hmm. There’s getting a little start on the weekend and then there’s – “kids, don’t bother Mommy when she has one of her PBR headaches.”

        Have a great weekend yourself. And I’m dreading what may happen when I’m gone. 😉

        1. Oh, no, don’t you worry. You’ll still win! I can’t keep up this charade any longer, it’s too exhausting. Have good time, I’ll be gone most of the weekend too. Two birthday parties and one high school graduation party. Hence, the PBR diet.

    2. Tar-Buns

      Gee, as Pegoleg’s big sister, I feel I should try and take up her banner while she’s on the road … at least today until I head for the family events as well. Am I up for it? Can I match Peg’s fun vitriolic houndings? Yes? Maybe?
      Probably no. She’s way too fast-witty for me. You may be safe, Ms. Maineiac…. maybe… time will tell.

      1. I’m not falling for that, Tar. I know you are just as sharp-witted as your lil’ sis. My only hope is if you also are in Michigan this weekend sans computer.

        And, by the way, have I told you lately how much I admire you? And how I am anxiously awaiting your new blog?? And how much it would mean to me if you casually wandered over to Paul’s blog and accidently clicked on my caption entry?

  6. Tar-Buns

    HA!!! Nice try with the smoozing comments 🙂
    I’m already in MI and I will be at or near my computer for a little while longer…
    Mwahaaaaa! Be afraid, be very afraid (well, maybe a little)…
    Enjoy your weekend and may the best blogger win!

  7. Dear Darla,
    From those of us who never make it to the finals, I got this for ya:

    And just because you are damn good, well, it’s monkey feeces for you, lady. Monkey feeces.

      1. By the way, I love me some Mr. Krabs!

        I agree, your caption totally should’ve been in the finals and would have smoked all the others, but apparently you failed to mail Paul 150 Totino’s Party Pizzas like I did.

      2. That is cool! I have never seen him. Or any other stand-up. No–wait I saw Bill Cosby back in the 80s but I was in the nosebleed section and had to settle for watching him on this giant screen and honestly could’ve sat at home and watched him and his terrible sweaters on my own TV and saved myself 30 buckaroos.

  8. The only question I have, is how can you expect a monkey to react when you’ve named him after his inadequate genitalia? I would be tempted to toss a little, too. 🙂

    You are an AWESOME writer and I love to read the posts! Thanks

    1. Thanks, Renee. You’d think so but I just checked the latest in the poll and Ms. Pegoleg is still ahead and I won’t be able to catch up. But, hey, at least I got a blog post out of it and lord knows, I need more post ideas, my brain is frazzled from this last week of school.

  9. Tar-Buns

    How’s the first day with the kiddies? Got home last night early. I haven’t seen GG announce the winner yet… Anyhoo, hope you had a great weekend!

      1. Tar-Buns

        HA HA! Maybe he wants to continue getting all that action from you and Peg on his site so he’ll never end it. Hmmm… we’ll see!

      2. I think you’re right!

        Today is my first full day of being home with the kiddos and it’s been great so far. They’ve been in and out of the pool 100 times, tracked in loads of wet grass clumps, left piles of wet towels. And now my son and I are fighting over the computer. Looks like I won’t be blogging much this summer. Speaking of which, when is YOUR blog starting? hmm??

      3. Don’t let your kids waste their summer on the computer – they should be out swimming in the grass pool! It’s too late for us; we’re doomed to being pasty, weak shut-ins.

        Lorna is kicking our katuckasses on the Envy thing and the pressure is just too intense with all these contests everywhere. I’m abdicating.

        This will be Tar’s bloggy summer – I’m working on her.

        1. I finally got on the computer but now my son wants to play a video game on here (it’s about long division though, so I have to let him)

          Yeah, I saw Lorna is kicking our pathetic butts! Her entry was fabulous though so I accept my defeat.

          And work harder on Tar. She needs a blog pronto. Where else can I go and post hijack willy-nilly?

    1. I’m with Peg, Darla. Get those kids OUTSIDE! That’s when I get my blog time (like now) — when they’re busy running, yelling, beating each other up, and splishing and splashing in the pool. It becomes an early-to-bed evening to boot. More time for blogging!

      Good luck to you both…looking forward to the result (I haven’t checked yet).

  10. Oh, frenemies! Nothing like a dose of healthy competition (or a comment smackdown!) to light up the internet. Mr. Skittles Jr. is pretty adorable, btw. 🙂

    1. Aw, he is a cute lil’ buggah. All he wanted was for me to win and looks like I’ve let the poor guy down. Oh well. I’ll live. I sent Mr. Skittle’s to live with Peg, shipped him FedEx with no extra diapers.

  11. You two are sure dominating the scene on my polls, as well. Hardly the stature of Mssr. Greatsby, but still – you two should go in to the lucrative captioning business together. That or try to destroy each other…

    1. What–? Hardly the stature of Greatsby?!! I am stunned at this remark! Y’know…it’s a good thing you never enter in GG’s contest or vice versa because you and Paul are the evil caption kings.

  12. ha ha! You mad genius you. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at, “…the chlorine/urine Flavor-Ice wrapper infested waters.”

    Flavor-Ice! You could buy like 100 for a few bucks when I was growing up.

  13. Pingback: Duck, Duck, German Spot Seek & Hide Around The Musical Rosie Chairs « the ramblings

    1. What? oh no, don’t listen to her Thoughtsy. Can I call you Thoughtsy? Be beguiled! be very beguiled! I will ship you some Skittles next contest for sure. Also, some of that cotton candy or cupcake vodka.

    1. And he’s all yours, Peg! Enjoy! Congrats on winning, your entry was the best one! Well done and it was a good fun fight to the end! (sheesh, I must have tripled my happy pills by accident this morning….)

    2. Tar-Buns

      Congrats, Peg on your victory! I sure hope you and Darla remain best bloggy friends though after the stiff competition. I did enjoy the fray ’cause I know it was all in good fun, right? Right? Hello…

      1. We will forever remain the bestest of blogging buds. Mainly because I can’t come up with a good caption for next week’s contest to save my life. I don’t have it in me anymore, this sick, twisted, blood-thirsty caption revenge…

      2. Me neither, Darla. I am exhausted. And while you and I are giggling and hooting like loons over here with caption shenanigans, Angie was busy getting Freshly Pressed! You called it – that post had FP all over it for sure.

        Of course I’m just THRILLED or her. Naturally. Not even a tiny bit jealous.

  14. I can tell I’m about to read a good post when I scroll down and just see comments upon comments of Peg and Darla banter. And then I scroll some more and see videos. When people pull out the videos, it’s gotta be a good one.

    I feel like I’m part of an exclusive club since, for me, Mr. Skittles needs no explanation — yes, me and Mr. Skittles go way back. Should I send him a cigar?

    Damnit! I voted for you but I don’t think Paul accepted my votes — something about how I’ve fallen off the face of the caption contest earth.

    [Peg, if you’re reading, I really voted for you. Of course I did.]

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