Well it’s official, kids! I am a student again. I just registered for my fall semester classes. Now all I need to get by is a hot plate, an economy-sized box of Ramen Noodles, a bean bag chair, and a giant bong.
Oh, wait. I’m not 21 years old anymore.
Well, looks like I’ll have to give up the noodles. (Trying to watch my sodium intake.)
I am about to start a full course load for my associate’s degree. Last time I was in college was um…oh…about 20(cough) years ago. Wish me luck. I’m hoping I don’t end up at the geek table in the cafeteria. Or a jock saunters over, calls me Old Lady and knocks my tray to the floor, leaving me sobbing and covered in oatmeal, raisins and weak Earl Grey tea with a twist of lemon because it really helps settle my stomach and keeps me regular.
So far, I’ve only gone to my new student orientation, but I’ve already noticed how different things are this time around.
For three solid hours, I listened to the dean and an English professor tell us not only how to study, but that we had to study if we wanted to get a good grade. I know! I was as flabbergasted as you. Next they informed us that, yes, we have to show up for our classes. And take notes. Then they showed us how to take notes. Finally, the dean announced (I kid you not) we actually had to buy the books for class. Apparently, in the past some students thought this was an option.
It was all I could do to not let out a huge snort of disbelief. Seriously? Have we come to this? Students these days have to be told how to be students? Why can’t they just cut to the chase and hand us our final grades on the first day?
And they say our country is in trouble.
But for once, being an advanced age is on my side. I can already see how my college experience this time around will be very different.
Going to College:
THEN: Statistics class at 8 am? Fffft! Let’s blow it off and get drunk!
NOW: Statistics class at 8 am? Perfect! I’m already up at 5 am so why the hell not?
THEN: Eh, who needs to take notes? I can retain all the professor’s lecture just by using my half-assed listening skills!
NOW: Wait, slow down….I need to copy this word for word or I’ll never get it. What did you say after “Good evening, class, let’s begin”?
THEN: Dude! Let’s get wasted!
NOW: Now children, don’t waste this opportunity. We need to apply ourselves academically or we’ll never land that job in a few years.
Things That Have Changed Since Last Time I Went To College:
- The chairs seem to be smaller.
Or my butt’s bigger.
I think I’ll go with the chairs being smaller.
- The blackboard up front looks fuzzier.
- The blackboard has been replaced by some bizarre space-age technocrappola PowerPoint nonsense gobbly-dee-gook.
- The dean is my age.
- The professor could be my son.
- All of my fellow students look so young, they resemble Justin Bieber.
When he was a baby.
Inside his mother’s womb.
- Instead of going to the library and looking up stuff on card catalogs, we are expected to have our own laptops and utilize this new-fangled thing called The In-ter-net.
- I find all the professor’s lame jokes hilarious and actually laugh out loud at them.
- I want to study.
- I will study.
- I will pay attention during class. Too much attention. I’ll even make eye contact and nod my head to whatever the professor says, like we’re in this together.
- I will be raising my hand and asking annoying questions all the time.
- I will answer all the professor’s questions by doing my best Horshack impression.
(RIP Ron Palillo)
- I will never blow off a single class because I know I’ll be paying for this with interest for the next 10 years.
- Whenever the professor mentions “the real world” or “real life”, I’ll glance at my fellow 18 year old students and shake my head because they really have no freaking clue, do they? None. But I do. I know about all about “real life” crap to last a lifetime.
- I have become that ‘know-it-all old lady’ student I used to roll my eyes at when I was young.
- Ramen noodles taste like chicken-flavored dishwater when you’re not stoned.
If you went to college, did you study or blow off class? How many pounds of Ramen noodles did you consume? Will you go to my 8 am Anatomy class tomorrow and record the lecture for me because I have to go to this party tonight, but I swear I’ll do the same for you next week?
NOTE TO CONSTANT READER:
Just an FYI, (don’t you hate it when someone starts a sentence with ‘just an FYI’?) in case you’re wondering in the future where I am…I am either in class or studying. Or passed out in a rather large bucket of Ramen noodles. I hope to post on my blog once a week in the meantime. But if the rest of you could just stop blogging until say, December when the semester ends, that’d be great because there is no way in hell I can keep up with all the brilliantly funny and touching posts you people crank out on a daily basis. Thank you.
Catch ya latah, alligatahs.