Time Marches On…and All Over My Face

It’s a scientific fact that once you hit your 40s, time speeds up. Days go by in seconds, years are like minutes. Unless you start paying attention to the presidential race.

Not only does your concept of time change, but the signs of aging increase exponentially. Where once before, it might take a decade for a new, tiny wrinkle to emerge, now things move at breakneck speed. Is this due to extreme stress? Or is it just the natural order of things? You decide.

“Mornin’, honey.”

“Morning.”

“Ahhh! GOD! What happened to your hair?”

“Huh? Oh, you mean this huge crop of white hair? That’s sticking right out in front in all directions, with the texture of a Brillo pad?” (Sips coffee.) “Well, our son told me yesterday he’s getting armpit hair and wants to start wearing cologne.”

**************

“Mornin’, hon–oh, holy crap! Jesus!”

“You’re looking at the giant crease across my forehead aren’t you.”

“Why…no…I didn’t even notice it. Ha, ha. I have no idea what you’re talking about. You look fine! Perfectly normal! Beautiful even! It adds character!”

“Yeah, I got that little gift after our daughter told me yesterday she wants to marry Justin Bieber and have his babies. And she plans on living with all of them in an apartment above our garage until she’s 30. But it’s okay. I’m perfectly fine with the fact that there’s a ridge deeper than the Mariana Trench dividing my forehead into three places. Truly. So what if I look like my face is in a permanent state of scowling. Most likely that’s how I feel inside anyway, so it all works out.”

“Wow. And it’s so…deep. And it’s still there! No matter what expression you make! Now it’s getting even deeper!”

“Shut up.”

**************

We love to point out how quickly people age. Apparently this indicates a person was under a severe amount of stress.  Take for instance, our presidents.

George W. Bush, before and after his term:

Obama, before and after: (I have a sneaking suspicion these photos aren’t very accurate)

 And the final proof.

This is me when I turned 40:

 And this is me today:

But if I’m in the right light and use the correct makeup, you hardly notice.

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139 thoughts on “Time Marches On…and All Over My Face

      1. Well, thank you, but that was because I installed my ‘soft-focus/wrinkle-free’ lens in my webcam. Trust me, I have three giant wrinkles across my forehead that seem to be growing by the minute. I look like a road map.

      1. It’s probably no accident by Mother Nature that we also lose our ability to see things close up as we get older.
        Excuse me, honey, can you stand over there? N,o a little farther. No, a little more. That’s perfect.

  1. I think you look absolutely smashing!! Not a day over 42, really. 😉

    How is it one day you have a couple grey hairs, and literally the next freaking day you brush your hair and wonder where all the brown went? I mean, I know I’m stressed about my job, my bills, my hubs, my kids, my au pair, fall sports, traffic, weight loss (or the lack thereof), family issues, house repairs . . .

    Wait, what was I talking about? I’ve forgotten. At least that is one good part about getting older . . . that your mind starts to leave. Pretty soon, I won’t even remember WHAT I was even worried about! Horray!!

    Hope you are having a great day!

    1. It’s incredible how fast it happens. You get a wrinkle. It’s tiny. Then one month goes by and it’s suddenly a mile long and deep. I’ve noticed that if I don’t make any facial expressions, I look good. But if I smile, it’s all over.

      My husband has had gray hairs since he was 30. But it was always a distinguished salt-n-pepper. He turned 42 last month and I looked at the back of his head and it was nothing but a blanket of salt. At least he still has some hair left though. I suspect once our kids start driving and dating, it will all be a distant memory.

      I am having a great day so far. Got my Justin Bieber notepad handy, ready for anything. 🙂

  2. There is help. For $457 per day, you can get jars and jars of face creams, hair coloring and wrinkle remover! For $450 flat you can have the ones I bought. Paper bags are WAY cheaper! And they are useful when you hyperventilate, too.

      1. The mirror is the key. Never, never look there. And don’t ask that question, either. Because the last time I asked who was the fairest, the mirror answered “The Dog.” And he is not aging gracefully, either. He does, however, avoid most mirrors.

      2. I used to spend so much time getting ready in the morning in my 20s and 30s. Now I just rush as fast as I can, wash my face, brush my hair. Give a quick glance in the mirror (usually it’s by accident), say “EW!” then run away as fast as I can. I think my beauty routine works.

    1. Oh, you’ll be fine. Just fine! Just start tweezing those grays like I do.

      I look back at pics when I was 26 and I always say the same thing, “Holy shit! I had smooth skin! My skin had a glow! A GLOW!!” Now? it’s pasty and saggy and looks like I was just hit by a frying pan. But you’ll be fine. Just fine. You’ll never age. Don’t worry.

    1. Skeletor! Ha! I probably should find a current photo of him. Maybe I’m too scared to see what I’ll find. What I think is funny about comparing presidents and how they seem to be quickly aging due to the stress, it’s pretty obvious they’ve aged mainly because THEY’VE AGED. It’s what happens.

  3. Some people go completely gray by the time they’re 30. I don’t know if that makes you feel any better, but I’m gonna pretend it does.

    And…you could totally be in your thirties. You don’t look OLD Darla. 🙂

    1. My husband is all gray now. He started in his early 30s. He still has hair though, so he’s lucky there.

      And you haven’t seen me up close in bad light. But thank you. I certainly feel as old as dirt, so that counts.

      1. Hey, Darlamity Jane – all of a sudden all of your comments have a snazzy little “post author” rectangle added to them. It’s like somebody throwing a party wearing a “hello I am the hostess” name badge because it’s such a big, honkin’ bash, like in high school, that most of the people don’t even know who’s throwing it, or where they are, or even what day it is, just that they are about to barf and you better hope it’s in your bushes and not on your mom’s best, silk-upholstered love seat.

        Where’d you get it? The “post author” thingy, I mean.

      2. I don’t really know. I changed my theme for the billionth time, this time to the brand spankin’ new Twenty Twelve theme. I love it, especially the font and how clean it looks.

        But then I noticed the glaring little blue “author” tag and I can’t for the life of me figure out how to get rid of it. I’m sure it’s there in the whatchmawhoozit widget section but my brain is fried now, full of things like visceral pericaridium and parietal pleura. So I’m afraid I have to keep this name tag on for awhile. Just please don’t T.P. the front lawn or make out with your boyfriend in the upstairs master bedroom, it’s off limits.

  4. Ok. Too weird. Something Dolly Parton said once stuck in my head and just this morning it came to mind as I was gazing in the mirror. It was: “Time marches on and then you realize it’s marching right across your face!” That may have not been *exactly it* but it’s close. Crazy, I hadn’t thought of that quote in years and now this post of yours!
    I’ve been saying since my late thirties…”Under low light and a good fog, I look amazing!”
    ~d.
    p.s. I didn’t get a chance to do anything but hit “Like” on your previous post. I hope you’re doing some better as the week is progressing. My boy has three years left and he’s done with high school. Last year he drove out the driveway in his own truck. I thought I was going to D..I..E. I feel your pain, big time. And I agree with everyone else who have said: it ain’t gonna get easier.. cause it hasn’t for us! Ugh. Hold strong and enjoy every second!

    1. Ooh, yeah. Dolly Parton did say that, huh! I knew I had heard it somewhere. I pulled that title out and slapped it up there (I was in a rush writing this post, probably my quickest post yet) But how funny you were thinking about that the same day I posted this. Something in the air I guess?

      As for your son–whoa. I am not nor will I ever be ready for my son to DRIVE anywhere. I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that he only has 2 years left until junior high. (and he’s getting armpit hair…dear god)

  5. John Erickson

    Be lucky you didn’t follow MY pattern. Receding hairline in my teens, grey hairs in my twenties, age spots … er … freckles in my forties….
    I just figured I’d get the whole nonsense over early. Which is odd, because I usually procrastinate. When I remember what it was I wanted to do…..
    Oh, you’re over there? Sorry, guess I was just chatting to that chair again…. 😉

    1. See, my husband has a good receding hairline and is almost ALL gray now. He’ll just get a buzz cut now, but I always tell him to just shave it off. Go bald. It’s sexy. I would go bald if I could. My hair is always driving me crazy, such a pain in the ass.

  6. Lay off the coffee, politics and only be seen in candle light. It will work wonder for your appearance. Oh, and try not to scrooch up your face when you are concentrating. I know. It’s hard. I have to remind myself to relax my facial muscles all the time.

    1. Ha! All sound advice. I don’t know about the coffee, but I’m sure I can lay off the politics. I have had all I can take of that lately. My problem is, not only am I always concentrating and trying to remember things, but I can’t see very well either. So I squint. The crow’s feet resemble ostrich feet now. They are HUGE when I smile.

      1. Gravity’s a bitch, isn’t she? At least she’s not selective. My great Uncle Jack (a rodeo hall-of-famer) use to quip that gravity was so unfair: that whenever he’d sit down for a “potty read,” his balls floated. RIP, Uncle Jack.

  7. I’ve had gray hair since my 20’s. I’ve gotten used to it (finally).

    My husband recently replaced the bulbs over the bathroom sink with 1,000,000 watt bulbs. I had no idea I looked like I do. I smashed those bulbs and now I apply mascara using a night light. Much better. Much.

    Happy birthday dear friend. Hope it is a good one.

  8. Stinkin’ fabulous!
    I’ve had to deal with gray hair since my 20’s and I’ve decided I can handle the wrinkles that are arriving faster than the waves break on the shore. It’s the sagging boobs that have me stealing my husband’s rolls of duct tape. Ah, yes, the splendors of aging. All in all though, the 40’s are a pretty cool decade! .

  9. John Erickson

    Okay, fine, self-deprecation doesn’t work, let’s go for object flattery.
    Oh, WOW! If you look so great now, with the HIGHLY overstated “ravages of age”, you must have knocked guys cold DEAD when you were in your 20s. Besides, women and wine only get better with age! (Insert wolf-whistle here. 😉 )

  10. Darla, you should think about starting a tv show, all your own. I am sure it will be syndicated 🙂 You can bring humor to the most scary stuff! Me, I am nearing 40 and have never given much thought to wrinkling. That was like five minutes till now. Now I am scared! am heading out to shop for some magic potions right now! tee hee! see you around 🙂 just label your pictures well so I still recognize you 🙂

    1. A TV show all about me? Hmm…why do I think this is a brilliant idea?? Hey, if Honey Boo Boo can get her own show…

      Don’t be scared about wrinkles. You still have a few years left. And there’s always Botox.

  11. I remember getting my first gray hair in my 20s, and thinking it was pretty cool. I remember having three gray hairs that I could locate if I spent a few minutes looking for them, and that was still pretty cool. I remember being shocked one day when I was suddenly able to see a dozen gray hairs without having to search for them. That day was a long, long time ago.

    1. This is where I’m at now. I had my first gray a few years ago and also thought it was kinda neat. “Hey! Look! It’s sticking out! How cute! And it has the texture of a brillo pad! What the hell?”
      Now I find a few more popping up every day. And they all seem to want to be front and center so I can be sure to see them. Oh, and I have zits too. Zits and grays. What a classic combo!

  12. Who are you kidding? I saw your last vlog and that beautifully unlined complexion and thought you looked marvelous! No kidding. Even with sunscreen, us southerners squint so much that our eyes get crows feet by the time we are twenty. And I’m staring down the barrel of 50 – due to arrive in single digit days. Yikes!

    But I did hear that presidents age 4-8 yrs. per year in office. And I remember wondering what in the world they showed Obama that made his hair turned white. It happened overnight. Did he see the evidence of the aliens?

    1. I will have to take a TRUE photo of my wrinkles to show you guys. Well, no..that might be too scary. Gotta keep the illusion alive. I have HUGE crow’s feet. They really resemble craters. Squinting is my full time job–I have super light blue eyes that catch on fire in dim sunlight.

      Happy pre-50 bday! You don’t look it. You are hot stuff. It kinda bothers me when people say, “you look good…for your age.” So what you’re saying is I look like crap in general?

  13. Fan-freaking-tastic. And I appreciate your bipartisan approach to showing how crappy our presidents look as they move through the Office. Let’s note, Obama has more time to really develop those deep ridges.

    You’re like a good potato chip, Darla. You’ve got ridges.

    (With hair in the bag.)

    That sounds disgusting.

    I hope your day was great.

    I add 5 years to my real age.

    Because I look freaking great for 49. 😉

    Just wait until I’m 50 in November!

    1. I had to make sure to show my support for neither Republicans nor Democrats. Both sides age terribly. Both sides piss me off lately.

      I LOVE your potato chip/hair comment. You leave the best comments, Renee.

      Y’know, I never thought it would make more sense to ADD years to my age. Duh! You are hot for 49. Yowza!

      1. Right? All those elderly women who are all: “I’m 29.” Whaaat? That makes no sense. If they just said: “I’m 106.” Well, wouldn’t we all be impressed? Like I said, I’ll blog about this for my birthday in November. When I’m 50. I hope your b’day was awesome.

        1. John Erickson

          Renee! You turn 50 in November? I go in December. I’ll make you a deal – I’ll go get snockered on your birthday, and you can go get plastered on mine. Deal? (That’ll work GREAT for you, you can go into the whole Christmas brouhaha with a skinful! 😀 )

  14. On the plus side, now you can pose for those bitter old lady greeting cards, and those are usually pretty funny.

    (But for the record, I stand by what I said on Tuesday – you don’t look a day over 29!)

  15. Give it twenty years or so, you start slowing down. Well, bits of you do, anyway! Your last pic cracked me up, Darla! I had a LOL moment. Not a ROFLMAO moment though, cos otherwise my body would probably sieze up! 😉

  16. Hi Darla — Happy Birthday! I hope it was a great one. I was just discussing this the other day with my husband, the whole aging thing. Of course, I really can’t have any sympathy for your newly emerging gray hairs — I got my first (first two, actually) when I was sixteen! And they just keep multiplying. And you’re right. Why is it that gray hairs have such a difficult texture? Either way, I think you look lovely, and even in your old, old age, your sense of humor is sharp as a tack. 🙂 Kidding! You know, all you have to do is pick up a magazine next time you’re at the dentist and you’ll see that 40 is the new 30. I guess New 30 is kind of like New England. Nobody believes it’s England, but it’s damn cool in its own right. Happy New 30, my friend!

    1. Melissa! There you are! Does this mean you’re back again? I’ve missed you. I’ll have to email you later today.

      Anyway, yes the magazines don’t lie. Whenever I pick one up, they conveniently section off women into categories by age. I’ve noticed that more often than not, I am in the second to last one. Right before the “50s and Beyond” group. Not a good sign. Only a few more years and I’m looking down that barrel of ‘beyond’.

      1. Hey Darla! I’m not back blogging yet, but I am visiting all my peeps to see what you’ve been up to.

        Yes, it’s crazy, the age-sectioning trend. When I turned 35, I was bumped up into a new category, 35-44, which wasn’t so bad. But then on some forms, I’m in the 35-XX, where XX is just some random terminal digit they pulled based on the average lifespan.

        My dad also shared this concept with me once, “age-nearest-birthday.” And what it means is that once you’ve passed your half-birthday, you are, in terms of insurance, considered as old as you will turn on your next birthday. Which means every time my half-birthday rolls around, I’m already a year older on paper!

        I do have a reply to these concepts, and the “beyonds” you mentioned: As the young people say, “Whatevs.”

  17. Happy Birth Day, Darla. Wishing you all the happiness, peace and laughter. 🙂
    I was not sure if it was your Birth Day, until I saw Melissa’s comment on your post. I hope you had a great day.

  18. Wow! That after photo. I’m a believer, Darla. Age just doesn’t creep up on you after your 40. It does a tap dance on your face. (You do know that I’m much older than you, don’t you – even though I keep celebrating the ANNIVERSARY of my 39th birthday.) 🙂

    1. This year, instead of celebrating the anniversary of my birthday, I thought I’d just be happy I’m alive and breathing and able to drink large amounts of wine and eat nothing but chocolate birthday cake for dinner. It was the perfect day.

  19. For some reason I get handsomer and handsomer as I get older, kind of like a Benjamin Button thing. I’m worried I should see a doctor but whenever I ask people about my condition, nobody ever seems very sympathetic.

  20. It bothers me that I will age, but what I hate is that I’m not getting wiser. That was the trade-off I was promised. Maybe wisdom is an illusion, and we get better at faking it as we age.

    1. I think you are WAY head of most in the wisdom department for thinking that. It is all an illusion. We’re all just faking it.

      Do you have kids yet? because that is proven to kill more brain cells than anything else in life. I used to pretend I knew more about life before kids. Now my mind is in a constant hazy fog of “what the hell is going on?”

  21. I tried something new this summer. No make-up…just cute clothes, cute shoes, sunglasses, a tan and a smile on my face. Then, I saw the grandma picture of me holding the new little one…omg…I looked like a grandma…I’m back to the morning regimen of foundation, blush and mascara.
    40 something is a wonderful age! Happy Birthday to you.♪

  22. If I needed a laugh and didn’t know it…I know it now! The end of this post: priceless, and may be worth a few thousand jars of wrinkle cream! 🙂 And, I didn’t comment on your previous post, but I know those emotions so well. As Maycee grows up and lets go a little more each year you wonder, “Where is all the time going?” Love and hugs, XOXO, SWM. ♥

    1. I will have to break down one day and buy some wrinkle cream. But I have this feeling they don’t work. I’d rather just make fun of myself instead.

      My daughter doesn’t want to be seen with me now when I pick her up at school. She gets embarrassed! Of me! oh, the humanity! She’s not even six years old yet! (sniff, sniff)

      1. I bought some makeup that was promoted as being “Age Defying”. My younger son pointed out that it appeared to be false advertising after I applied it liberally to my face. He used to be my favorite…

          1. John Erickson

            That’s why everybody needs to know a good old-fashioned Chicagoan like me. We have the ancient knowledge to get rid of “inconvenient truths” …. and other inconvenient things…. PERMANENTLY….. 😉 😀

  23. Hope you had a great birthday, DarDar! You still look hot to me. I had no idea you’d do the dreads after your hair turned gray. It’s a good look for you.

    I have no idea why this popped in my head (maybe when I saw you with the gray-colored dreads), but I was just now remembering the day that my iPad auto-corrected “She’s A Mainiac” to “She’s a Man”. I still think your stat hits would go through the roof if you changed your blog name to this. Something worth considering.

    1. Right after I hit “post” I noticed I twice wrote “I had/have no idea” in my comment. I have no idea why I wrote this twice. I don’t have a lot of ideas these days.

      1. And the sad thing is, I didn’t even notice. I repeat myself a lot in my old age.

        And the sad thing is, I didn’t even notice. I repeat myself a lot in my old age.

        The above joke was so lame!

        The above joke was so lame!

    1. Why, it’s ad-tastic!! I just did a bunch of research on how to get it to switch to the three ad option you and Jules have, and from what I gather, it need approval from the advertiser. But WP is working on making it easier for me to switch to it in the near future. Maybe. Hopefully?

  24. I think not caring is the best thing about aging. I wish I had been this laid back in college. Back then I felt like I was going to be arrested if I left the house unpretty. Now I’m like, go ahead world and just try to comment on my messy hair. I dare you (that’s mostly before having my coffee).

  25. I have noticed over the last few months that I am always being asked if I need help with my packing in the supermarket. I usualy reply, “no thanks, but I could do with some help paying for it”.

  26. Based on how mah-velous those silver dreadlocks look on you, Darla, I believe what you’re saying is that aging is something to look greatly forward to! (Sort of like Christmas morning, but for adults. Can’t wait to see what presents magically appear on my face!) 🙂

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