Top Eleven Things That Tick Off My College Professor

11) When I raise my hand to ask her to repeat the last thing she said.

10) When I raise my hand to ask her to repeat the thing she just repeated–only this time, louder.

9) When I raise my hand to tell her I have to go pee.

8) When I then pause to say, “Wait a second…oops…nope. Huh. Guess I don’t have to go pee after all. False alarm. Carry on.”

7) Whenever I find the lecture boring, I light up a cigar and start knitting a sweater.

Yes, dearie…a flash drive is a small storage device that plugs into a computer’s USB port…fascinating…please…continue…

6) Midway through a lecture, I interrupt her with my best grumpy old lady voice, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah. Is this gonna be on the exam or what?”

5) When I pass him a note that reads:

Pssst! Is this gonna be on the exam?
Please Check Box: YES, NO or MAYBE.

P.S. If your answer is maybe, can you be more specific?

P.P.S. I LOVE YOU XOXOXOXO

4) When I say, “Y’know…I’m very close friends with a certain Mr. Ben Franklin, if you catch my drift….and Ol’ Benji here thinks it’d be swell if I got an A on that upcoming Lab Exam.” Then after digging around my pocket, I lay a penny, my grocery list and an old moldy Sucret on his desk.

3) That I regularly show up to Anatomy class wearing my skin-tight body suit of the major organ systems.

2) That I have the words: PASS ME tattooed on my eyelids.

This might work as well.

and the number one thing that ticks off my professors…

1) Whenever I’m in the midst of an intense exam and don’t know the answer, I bust out my kazoo and start skipping around the room, singing, “Pump-pump pa-pump, pa-pump pump-pump pump-pump…PUMP YOUR BLOOD!”

(it’s a shame Fonzie never shows up to convince Teach to give ME an A+ though…)

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110 thoughts on “Top Eleven Things That Tick Off My College Professor

  1. Rolling around on the floor in laughter and choking on my lunch! You slayed me at #6. And I remember the “Pump your blood” thing and that icky body suit too!
    Killer post. Loved it!
    ~d.
    p.s. Thanks for the school update!

    1. I don’t think there is a person alive who was ever comfortable with that guy wearing that flesh-colored unitard, Lenore. Just goggling him brought up all kinds of fun stuff. By the way, he actually still tours and goes by the name Mr. Slim GoodBody.

    1. The problem with that song is now it’s permanently stuck in my head. I’ll be taking my exam next week and singing it the entire time. The test is not on the cardiovascular system, either, so what good is Potsie?

  2. Reasons why I don’t teach in a classroom anymore: All of the above.

    While I can’t say I ever had anyone show up in a bodysuit like that, I did have someone show up in mustache glasses. He immediately got an A! 😉

      1. I actually can knit and I really do enjoy a cigar now and again. I’ve never done both at the same time, but I bet it would make classes a lot more interesting!

        My Litigation class starts next week. I wonder if I’m going to be older than the professor. I’ve already started reading the textbook. I’m such a geek.

      2. I can do a basic stitch, as long as someone starts the first row for me. And I’ve also smoked a few cigars in my day. Pipes, too.

        Good luck on your upcoming class. If you’re around my age, you will be older than your professor. And I also read my textbook before class (no one else seems to bother)

  3. Ick. That body suit! I do remember how uncomfortable it made me feel seeing it when I was a kid. Where on earth did you dig that up? Anyway, love the note passing reference. Brings back funny memories of middle school boys.

    1. Ick pretty much sums that dude up, doesn’t it? That little flesh-colored unitard was hard to find. My husband and I couldn’t remember the guy’s name or what show he was on…all we could remember was how incredibly freaky-deaky he was and so I googled that and voila: Mr. Slim Goodbody appeared.

  4. I was a college professor for nearly 20 years. Here’s what used to bug me:
    1. Being asked if what I covered was going to be on the test.
    2. Falling asleep in class–worse, snoring in class.
    3. Walking in late for class.
    4. Cell phones going off in class.
    5. Coming to class unprepared. (They are college, not elementary school students!)

    I know this was tongue-in-cheek, but students actually do some of this stuff… 😐

    1. This wasn’t tongue-in-cheek, Lorna. I do all of those things and more.

      OK, the above sentence was also tongue-in-cheek.

      And yes, I bet some of these things actually do happen. I got the idea about raising my hand to tell the teacher I had to go pee because last week, an 18 year old girl actually DID that. She said to the teacher, “I have to go pee, can I be excused?” I mean, who DOES that?! What kind of college am I attending? Do we really need to know details about your bathroom habits during a lecture?

      1. Oh, the stories I could tell you about what happens in a college classroom… 😐

        By the way, I used to love “non-traditional” students–the ones not fresh out of high school. They always took class seriously and demanded their money’s worth. They challenged me as a partner in their educational journey and I loved that. Good for you for being in that classroom! 🙂

  5. As a professor, I do not find any of those things annoying. My students know they must 1) laugh at my lame jokes, 2) tell me how much they enjoy clips from You Tube I share with them, including the Happy Days clip which I have actually shown and 3) fan me or bring me cold drinks when the inevitable hot flash hits at the very beginning of lecture. The first day of class this semester – MY CELL PHONE rang during class. It was hysterical. Especially since the ring tone was “Whiskey River”.

    I don’t have that body suit – and my students are so glad!!! I have drawn lungs on a tee-shirt to show lung position. I also talked one student into being a model and then we drew where we thought anatomical landmarks would be (on his chest). He was very ticklish and the markers, although clearly labeled as “washable” were, well, semi-permanent.

    What I really, really detest is students who come to class in skimpy tops, skimpier short shorts and flip flops (especially if they have ugly toes). I hate that. I’m sure you don’t do that? Do you?

    I might have to do a post on things I hate as a professor. As soon as I am done answering all these notes that ask “Is this going to be on the exam?”

      1. I had a professor who had internal organs made up from fabric and stuffed with filling. During lectures – he would toss out a liver, or a stomach, or a pancreas into the seats.

        I swear it was on his chest.

    1. Oh, Katy, I loved your comment so much. I truly wish you could be my professor up here. Especially when I get into nursing. (By the way, I might email you about a few things soon..)

      I love that you drew lungs on a t-shirt. See, your class would be highly entertaining AND full of information. My professors are so dry and boring. I have three straight hours of lecture on A&P and it’s all slides of stuff we just copy down then have to memorize. The memorization is KILLING ME. It’s all there is! After this semester, I feel I could be a doctor.

      I never come to class in skimpy short shorts or flip flops. I’m middle aged, remember? I tend to wear muumuus. Very comfy. I’d still wear my maternity clothes if I could get away with it but I get tired of people asking if I’m pregnant.

      1. Well, we have an inordinate amount of fun for actual college classes. Lots of laughter – and I do my one and only trick at the end of the semester – I solve the Rubik’s cube while walking around the classroom and answering their questions…they are in complete awe…

  6. I seem to recall another Happy Days where Potsie set his studying to music and danced around Al’s drive-in, singing and driving all the non-paying customers away. But it didn’t sound like that pump-a-pump song, which is simply precious. Or is my brain defective from too much vacation?

    Have you told any of your professors that you have shoes older than they are?

    1. I didn’t know there was another Potsie song and dance routine. Must go google that now.

      My A&P professor has a head full of gray hair. She’s younger than me. I can tell because she has no wrinkles across her forehead like I do. I measure someone’s age by how many wrinkles, and how deep they are. Age 40? Smooth forehead Age 41? Fine wrinkles Age 42? Three or more wrinkles deep as the Grand Canyon.

  7. If the day has come that a penny, grocery list and an old moldy Sucret don’t buy a passing grade, well, then, I’m turning in my major organ bodysuit and going back to screaming about how I don’t get Twitter.

      1. I just need to remember the name of a guy I went to college with. Not only could he sleep with his eyes open, but he could nod his head in rhythm to the professor’s commentary, while out COLD! True story, I swear!

      1. I wonder a lot if I’m doing the right thing. It’s mystifying, but sometimes I’ll randomly think, “Perhaps I should write children’s books about basset hounds?” Or I’ll think, perhaps I should get a job in a hospital that requires less responsibility than nursing. (I do like being at the hospital, and chatting with sick strangers is a favorite activity of mine.) However, the responsibilities of a nurse or immense and it’s clearly a lot of stress.

        So, I often feel like nursing school is stress in preparation for more stress.

      2. These are the exact things I think about. Should I really go into nursing? Or stick with medical assisting? (I’m currently enrolled in med. assisting) I’ve been told nursing is much more intense, but the rewards with helping people, and of course, the pay is much greater. I’m hoping after this year is over, I can make a final decision about whether or not to transfer into the nursing program. It is a daunting program, that is for sure. My main goals are to help others so I think as long as I stick with that in mind, I’ll figure it out. Are you in your first year of an associate’s in nursing?

      1. Well, you could claim that the suit is actually Vulcan physiology. That would help explain why the heart on the suit was down by your real kidney, right? 😯
        (Okay, NOW you can smack me via the Net. Or let me know, and I’ll have the wife do it – she’s ALWAYS looking for a good excuse to whack me one for my smart-aleck remarks. 😀 )

  8. You could always offer to sleep with him. We have cartoons in our college paper from the 70s which joke about girls only getting As because they have big boobs and sleep with their professors. In the COLLEGE PAPER. And in the 70s. Wow. Progressive we are not.

    1. Your first line made me spit out my coffee.

      I would offer to sleep with him. But he’s a woman. (there is something I never thought I’d type out in a million years….) All of my professors are women. (dangit!)

      1. Damn the luck. I always wanted to sleep with my professors when I first went to college. I mean, I was 18 and here were these older men a few of whom were nice looking, charming, intelligent, and did NOT wear Big Johnson T-shirts. Hard for the guys my age to compete. But of course my profs had to be all honorable and crap. 😀

      2. Whoa. You had all the luck. When I first went to college at age 18, all my male professors looked like either Yoda or George Burns. Or both. Did you go to college at Saved by the Bell? (sorry, I couldn’t resist a Saved by the Bell reference…)

  9. I wish you had been in classes with me. It would have been so much more fun. Also, excellent Happy Days callback. Does your professor dislike it when people chew gum? I used to get caught for that all the time back in the day. I had visions of sending my kids off to school with boxes of packs of gum, so that when they got caught, and the teacher made some snotty comment like “Did you bring enough for the whole class?” they could say “As a matter of fact, I did.” It’s probably a good thing I never had kids, they’d be in the principal’s office all the time.

    1. Haha! Yes. The gum chewing thing is odd. My anatomy professor did actually state that there would be NO gum-chewing allowed during lab. Also NO open-toed shoes. So I sat there and tried to think of why. Does she think I’ll accidentally stick gum into my microscope slide to get it to stay in place? Or that I will somehow drop animal tissues onto my toes? I suppose there are so many things that can go wrong when your toes are exposed and you’re chewing gum.

    1. I would love to order some Chinese takeout during class. Then get all mad at the guy and yell “Where’s my soy sauce?!”

      By the way, I read your post late last night and it was so thought-provoking. I will have to sit down and write a comment later today when I have two minutes to really get my thoughts on the subject out.

  10. So glad you had a top 11, instead of 10.

    Old Sucret – ha, I didn’t know anyone remembered Sucrets. We only got those if we were REALLY sick.

    That Happy Days piece is too funny. I really miss The Fonz.

    1. My mom used to keep an old tin of Sucrets in her purse. They were like gold to us kids. We thought they were candy. We were so desperate for any candy back in the ’70s.

      I love The Fonz. If you miss him, he’s coming back to Ron Howard’s Arrested Development season this year. I cannot wait!

      1. We hardly got candy, either. What was the deal with that? I would go over to my friend’s house just to get a Twinkie. We NEVER had those in our house.

        Thanks for the tip on The Fonz – I’ll be watching that for sure.

  11. I can’t believe I never saw that episode of Happy Days. As an objective first-time viewer… ouch.
    I don’t know if I’m most embarrassed for the writers, the cast, or the audience.

  12. Mr. Goodbody! Mr. Goodbody! I see Mr. Goodbody! He does a body good.

    Oh My God. That Happy Days song? Seriously. Forget about Fonz water-skiing over top of a shark. This has got to be the moment Happy Days jumped the shark.

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