11) When I raise my hand to ask her to repeat the last thing she said.
10) When I raise my hand to ask her to repeat the thing she just repeated–only this time, louder.
9) When I raise my hand to tell her I have to go pee.
8) When I then pause to say, “Wait a second…oops…nope. Huh. Guess I don’t have to go pee after all. False alarm. Carry on.”
7) Whenever I find the lecture boring, I light up a cigar and start knitting a sweater.
6) Midway through a lecture, I interrupt her with my best grumpy old lady voice, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah. Is this gonna be on the exam or what?”
5) When I pass him a note that reads:
Pssst! Is this gonna be on the exam?
Please Check Box: YES, NO or MAYBE.
P.S. If your answer is maybe, can you be more specific?
P.P.S. I LOVE YOU XOXOXOXO
4) When I say, “Y’know…I’m very close friends with a certain Mr. Ben Franklin, if you catch my drift….and Ol’ Benji here thinks it’d be swell if I got an A on that upcoming Lab Exam.” Then after digging around my pocket, I lay a penny, my grocery list and an old moldy Sucret on his desk.
3) That I regularly show up to Anatomy class wearing my skin-tight body suit of the major organ systems.
2) That I have the words: PASS ME tattooed on my eyelids.
and the number one thing that ticks off my professors…
1) Whenever I’m in the midst of an intense exam and don’t know the answer, I bust out my kazoo and start skipping around the room, singing, “Pump-pump pa-pump, pa-pump pump-pump pump-pump…PUMP YOUR BLOOD!”
(it’s a shame Fonzie never shows up to convince Teach to give ME an A+ though…)
110 thoughts on “Top Eleven Things That Tick Off My College Professor”
You’re writing love notes to your teacher? I didn’t know your class was taught by Justin Bieber!! Man, that kid IS multi-talented. 😉
My teacher is Justin, my lab partner is Justin. The entire room is full of Justins. It’s my worst nightmare, Misty.
Rolling around on the floor in laughter and choking on my lunch! You slayed me at #6. And I remember the “Pump your blood” thing and that icky body suit too!
Killer post. Loved it!
p.s. Thanks for the school update!
Whew, I’m glad you remembered that icky bodysuit. I thought maybe I hallucinated the guy.
T’was superb… Amazing! 😀
Thank you, kindly!
You should try the loud ‘about-to-puke’ retch—it’s make you look dangerous, annoys the hell out of the prof, and gives the others some gigglies! win-win-win!
What’s odd is I already do the about to puke thing just before every exam and it’s not an act.
I’m so glad you went back to school so you can share this kind of stuff with us. 😀 You’re hilarious.
This is the only reason I went back to school, Lily.
The skin tight human anatomy suit is to die for.
hahaha! You leave the best comments.
this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time – I give you an A+
And my good buddy Fonzie says to you, “Ayyyyyyy”
Hey, I have that body suit. Everybody needs to stop making fun of it.
It’s OK. I’m getting used to it!
It’s what I wear when I go jogging. Very sheer and wicks away the sweat nicely. And when I pass out, the paramedics can clearly see where my heart is when they apply the paddles.
For me it’s wishful thinking that they will realize that underneath all the extra “me” there is a human body. Sigh.
The guy in the body suit deserves a spot in one of Angie’s WTF Friday posts. I remember seeing him on Saturday mornings. I was never comfortable with it, either.
I don’t think there is a person alive who was ever comfortable with that guy wearing that flesh-colored unitard, Lenore. Just goggling him brought up all kinds of fun stuff. By the way, he actually still tours and goes by the name Mr. Slim GoodBody.
I wonder if he and Richard Simmons are friends.
I think they may be the same person.
I don’t know how I missed that episode of Happy Days. Great tune! Now I’ll be singing it all day long. Sorry you’re prof is so easily ticked off. Sounds like they need a latte. Study on!
The problem with that song is now it’s permanently stuck in my head. I’ll be taking my exam next week and singing it the entire time. The test is not on the cardiovascular system, either, so what good is Potsie?
Reasons why I don’t teach in a classroom anymore: All of the above.
While I can’t say I ever had anyone show up in a bodysuit like that, I did have someone show up in mustache glasses. He immediately got an A! 😉
and I happen to own a pair of mustache glasses..hmm..you’ve given me a great idea, Jackie…
You’d so be my favorite student, Leonore!
I had a feeling, Darla. I’d even share a cigar with you or knit you a long, very misshapen scarf.
I actually can knit and I really do enjoy a cigar now and again. I’ve never done both at the same time, but I bet it would make classes a lot more interesting!
My Litigation class starts next week. I wonder if I’m going to be older than the professor. I’ve already started reading the textbook. I’m such a geek.
I can do a basic stitch, as long as someone starts the first row for me. And I’ve also smoked a few cigars in my day. Pipes, too.
Good luck on your upcoming class. If you’re around my age, you will be older than your professor. And I also read my textbook before class (no one else seems to bother)
Ick. That body suit! I do remember how uncomfortable it made me feel seeing it when I was a kid. Where on earth did you dig that up? Anyway, love the note passing reference. Brings back funny memories of middle school boys.
Ick pretty much sums that dude up, doesn’t it? That little flesh-colored unitard was hard to find. My husband and I couldn’t remember the guy’s name or what show he was on…all we could remember was how incredibly freaky-deaky he was and so I googled that and voila: Mr. Slim Goodbody appeared.
Wait, so you’re telling me that they DON’T like it when students smoke cigars in class? That would account for my C- in Contemporary Literature back in the day.
Maybe if you had offered one to your professor? Might have bumped you up to a C+.
I was a college professor for nearly 20 years. Here’s what used to bug me:
1. Being asked if what I covered was going to be on the test.
2. Falling asleep in class–worse, snoring in class.
3. Walking in late for class.
4. Cell phones going off in class.
5. Coming to class unprepared. (They are college, not elementary school students!)
I know this was tongue-in-cheek, but students actually do some of this stuff… 😐
This wasn’t tongue-in-cheek, Lorna. I do all of those things and more.
OK, the above sentence was also tongue-in-cheek.
And yes, I bet some of these things actually do happen. I got the idea about raising my hand to tell the teacher I had to go pee because last week, an 18 year old girl actually DID that. She said to the teacher, “I have to go pee, can I be excused?” I mean, who DOES that?! What kind of college am I attending? Do we really need to know details about your bathroom habits during a lecture?
Oh, the stories I could tell you about what happens in a college classroom… 😐
By the way, I used to love “non-traditional” students–the ones not fresh out of high school. They always took class seriously and demanded their money’s worth. They challenged me as a partner in their educational journey and I loved that. Good for you for being in that classroom! 🙂
I have to say, this time around, I am making sure to actually learn the hell out of every class, Lorna.
thanks, college is getting more hilarious to me by the day.
As a professor, I do not find any of those things annoying. My students know they must 1) laugh at my lame jokes, 2) tell me how much they enjoy clips from You Tube I share with them, including the Happy Days clip which I have actually shown and 3) fan me or bring me cold drinks when the inevitable hot flash hits at the very beginning of lecture. The first day of class this semester – MY CELL PHONE rang during class. It was hysterical. Especially since the ring tone was “Whiskey River”.
I don’t have that body suit – and my students are so glad!!! I have drawn lungs on a tee-shirt to show lung position. I also talked one student into being a model and then we drew where we thought anatomical landmarks would be (on his chest). He was very ticklish and the markers, although clearly labeled as “washable” were, well, semi-permanent.
What I really, really detest is students who come to class in skimpy tops, skimpier short shorts and flip flops (especially if they have ugly toes). I hate that. I’m sure you don’t do that? Do you?
I might have to do a post on things I hate as a professor. As soon as I am done answering all these notes that ask “Is this going to be on the exam?”
That’s right, Katy – do a rebuttal from the other side of the desk.
Well, should I write things that students do that Tick Me Off – or – Things I Do to TIck Off My Students?
Do that post, Katy!
Right Katy: “we drew where we thought anatomical landmarks would be (on his chest).” On his, um, chest. Yeah, sure, it was his chest. Right.
Oh, MJ! Just what are you insinuating??
I had a professor who had internal organs made up from fabric and stuffed with filling. During lectures – he would toss out a liver, or a stomach, or a pancreas into the seats.
I swear it was on his chest.
Oh, Katy, I loved your comment so much. I truly wish you could be my professor up here. Especially when I get into nursing. (By the way, I might email you about a few things soon..)
I love that you drew lungs on a t-shirt. See, your class would be highly entertaining AND full of information. My professors are so dry and boring. I have three straight hours of lecture on A&P and it’s all slides of stuff we just copy down then have to memorize. The memorization is KILLING ME. It’s all there is! After this semester, I feel I could be a doctor.
I never come to class in skimpy short shorts or flip flops. I’m middle aged, remember? I tend to wear muumuus. Very comfy. I’d still wear my maternity clothes if I could get away with it but I get tired of people asking if I’m pregnant.
Well, we have an inordinate amount of fun for actual college classes. Lots of laughter – and I do my one and only trick at the end of the semester – I solve the Rubik’s cube while walking around the classroom and answering their questions…they are in complete awe…
Whoa! I would LOVE to see that! I can do one side of a Rubik’s cube if I concentrate really hard…
I seem to recall another Happy Days where Potsie set his studying to music and danced around Al’s drive-in, singing and driving all the non-paying customers away. But it didn’t sound like that pump-a-pump song, which is simply precious. Or is my brain defective from too much vacation?
Have you told any of your professors that you have shoes older than they are?
I swear my daughter’s 3rd grade teacher is 12.
I didn’t know there was another Potsie song and dance routine. Must go google that now.
My A&P professor has a head full of gray hair. She’s younger than me. I can tell because she has no wrinkles across her forehead like I do. I measure someone’s age by how many wrinkles, and how deep they are. Age 40? Smooth forehead Age 41? Fine wrinkles Age 42? Three or more wrinkles deep as the Grand Canyon.
If the day has come that a penny, grocery list and an old moldy Sucret don’t buy a passing grade, well, then, I’m turning in my major organ bodysuit and going back to screaming about how I don’t get Twitter.
haha! But I don’t get Twitter. I don’t. I never will.
Ummm, wait… all these things involve actually being awake during class. So you’re saying you’re actually awake during class?!?
You bring up a good point, Steve. Maybe I can have a pair of wide-awake looking eyeballs tattooed to my eyelids?
I just need to remember the name of a guy I went to college with. Not only could he sleep with his eyes open, but he could nod his head in rhythm to the professor’s commentary, while out COLD! True story, I swear!
John, my younger brother and my five year old daughter both sleep with their eyes wide open. It is the single freakiest thing I have ever seen in my life. I wish I had that magical power.
I’ve tried to bribe my professors. Sadly, they require more than I can afford…
How are things going for you? Whenever I start to complain about the sheer volume of stuff I have to memorize, I think of you.
I wonder a lot if I’m doing the right thing. It’s mystifying, but sometimes I’ll randomly think, “Perhaps I should write children’s books about basset hounds?” Or I’ll think, perhaps I should get a job in a hospital that requires less responsibility than nursing. (I do like being at the hospital, and chatting with sick strangers is a favorite activity of mine.) However, the responsibilities of a nurse or immense and it’s clearly a lot of stress.
So, I often feel like nursing school is stress in preparation for more stress.
These are the exact things I think about. Should I really go into nursing? Or stick with medical assisting? (I’m currently enrolled in med. assisting) I’ve been told nursing is much more intense, but the rewards with helping people, and of course, the pay is much greater. I’m hoping after this year is over, I can make a final decision about whether or not to transfer into the nursing program. It is a daunting program, that is for sure. My main goals are to help others so I think as long as I stick with that in mind, I’ll figure it out. Are you in your first year of an associate’s in nursing?
Dang! I wish I had all these tips when I was in school. You must be the teacher’s pet! 🙂
Maybe. But the teacher doesn’t like me when I pull out my laptop and start blogging. Gotta make the class productive, right?
If I said “I’d love to see you in that anatomy suit”, will you smack me via the Net? 😉
Ha! Oh, I’m afraid that anatomy suit would have to come equipped with loads of support at my age, John. Wearing that would be more panic-inducing than putting on a bikini.
Well, you could claim that the suit is actually Vulcan physiology. That would help explain why the heart on the suit was down by your real kidney, right? 😯
(Okay, NOW you can smack me via the Net. Or let me know, and I’ll have the wife do it – she’s ALWAYS looking for a good excuse to whack me one for my smart-aleck remarks. 😀 )
You? Smart-alecky?? Get out!! 😉 Aren’t most men smart-alecky?
Well, yeah, but in that light, all men are like explosives. It’s just that most are hand-grenades at best, and I’m a freakin’ H-bomb! 😀
You could always offer to sleep with him. We have cartoons in our college paper from the 70s which joke about girls only getting As because they have big boobs and sleep with their professors. In the COLLEGE PAPER. And in the 70s. Wow. Progressive we are not.
Your first line made me spit out my coffee.
I would offer to sleep with him. But he’s a woman. (there is something I never thought I’d type out in a million years….) All of my professors are women. (dangit!)
Damn the luck. I always wanted to sleep with my professors when I first went to college. I mean, I was 18 and here were these older men a few of whom were nice looking, charming, intelligent, and did NOT wear Big Johnson T-shirts. Hard for the guys my age to compete. But of course my profs had to be all honorable and crap. 😀
Whoa. You had all the luck. When I first went to college at age 18, all my male professors looked like either Yoda or George Burns. Or both. Did you go to college at Saved by the Bell? (sorry, I couldn’t resist a Saved by the Bell reference…)
Isn’t school the best blog fodder? How do you even concentrate on the material? 😊
This studying thing is really cutting into my blogging time, Renee. It’s just not fair.
Bwahah! #7? That there just made my day. 🙂
Isn’t that the best? Sadly, this is what I look like and what I do during class.
I wish you had been in classes with me. It would have been so much more fun. Also, excellent Happy Days callback. Does your professor dislike it when people chew gum? I used to get caught for that all the time back in the day. I had visions of sending my kids off to school with boxes of packs of gum, so that when they got caught, and the teacher made some snotty comment like “Did you bring enough for the whole class?” they could say “As a matter of fact, I did.” It’s probably a good thing I never had kids, they’d be in the principal’s office all the time.
Haha! Yes. The gum chewing thing is odd. My anatomy professor did actually state that there would be NO gum-chewing allowed during lab. Also NO open-toed shoes. So I sat there and tried to think of why. Does she think I’ll accidentally stick gum into my microscope slide to get it to stay in place? Or that I will somehow drop animal tissues onto my toes? I suppose there are so many things that can go wrong when your toes are exposed and you’re chewing gum.
#6!! I always wanted to do that!! Or even better, pull a Spicoli and order pepperoni pizza! And K8 has gotta do a post on a professor’s rebuttal! Aw, thanks for the laughs!!
I would love to order some Chinese takeout during class. Then get all mad at the guy and yell “Where’s my soy sauce?!”
By the way, I read your post late last night and it was so thought-provoking. I will have to sit down and write a comment later today when I have two minutes to really get my thoughts on the subject out.
So glad you had a top 11, instead of 10.
Old Sucret – ha, I didn’t know anyone remembered Sucrets. We only got those if we were REALLY sick.
That Happy Days piece is too funny. I really miss The Fonz.
My mom used to keep an old tin of Sucrets in her purse. They were like gold to us kids. We thought they were candy. We were so desperate for any candy back in the ’70s.
I love The Fonz. If you miss him, he’s coming back to Ron Howard’s Arrested Development season this year. I cannot wait!
We hardly got candy, either. What was the deal with that? I would go over to my friend’s house just to get a Twinkie. We NEVER had those in our house.
Thanks for the tip on The Fonz – I’ll be watching that for sure.
Your line about the Twinkie made me giggle. Well, we had Twinkies. But after my brothers raided the kitchen, there would be nothing left for ol’ Darla but Twinkie dust.
The Fonz gives you an “Eyy” + for humour.
There is no greater compliment than that. Maybe he can also help me turn on my old jukebox by snapping his fingers?
Ahh, the joys of returning to school. At least you are handling it well – humor is the best medicine.
It’s all I got, Renee.
Sounds like classes are going well!!
They are, overall, Audrey. My fave by far is my computer class. The others are all dry and straight memorization.
You crack me up! #7 was hilarious. Have you gotten any spit-wads in the back of the head yet, old lady? Or are too cool for that? LOL
Hey! Who you callin’ old lady? Me? Yeah. Damn straight.
I can’t believe I never saw that episode of Happy Days. As an objective first-time viewer… ouch.
I don’t know if I’m most embarrassed for the writers, the cast, or the audience.
No kidding. It is painful to watch. sorry I had to expose you to it. I think I’ve seen that episode hundreds of times. Explains a lot about me.
That body suit isn’t near as bad as the nude suit I used to wear to class.
A nude suit would be way too dangerous in my class, too many bunsen burners around.
Darla, it was hilarious. 🙂 Can you please tell me, from where you’ve bought this skin-tight body suit of the major organ systems!
I wish I could wear it next week during my test. I need all the help I can get.
Maybe Ron Howard could show up and call your professor, “Bucko!”
Oh, I wish! I love the word Bucko. I still use it in my daily life. I call my kids Bucko when they’re in trouble. I call my husband Bucko when he’s in trouble. It’s a multi-purpose word.
Mr. Goodbody! Mr. Goodbody! I see Mr. Goodbody! He does a body good.
Oh My God. That Happy Days song? Seriously. Forget about Fonz water-skiing over top of a shark. This has got to be the moment Happy Days jumped the shark.
I completely agree. It was the saddest display of kazoo-playing and beaker-blowing I’ve ever witnessed.
You had me believing every word, right up to the end there, Darla — even the part about smoking in class. But you can’t fool me. You don’t know how to play the kazoo.
Dammit! Foiled again!