The Maineiac Edition
crackatoan adjective–the moment when a mama starts to completely lose her cool after listening to her five year old daughter whine, “But I want a puppy RIGHT NOW!” for six straight hours. Telltale warning signs: extreme twitchiness, clenched jaw, low guttural groans, flames shooting out of eye sockets.
mamacure noun–a typical mom’s fingernail condition approximately three minutes after painting her nails. Usually chipped, ragged, stained with crayola markers, Kool-aid and reeking of ‘why do I even bother?’
petite dejeumalaise noun–general bitchy mood of a mother in a rush to make everyone breakfast. May or may not lead to crackatoan mood.
Example: When you can’t open the bread no matter which direction you twist or untwist the stupid, frickin tie so you end up shredding the bag open with your teeth then throwing mutilated gobs of Wonder bread at your husband’s head while yelling, “You want toast? Here’s your ****ing toast!”
javaticulitis noun–the state of desperation you feel at 5 am when you suddenly realize you’re out of coffee after getting only 3 hours total sleep the night before. May attempt to remedy situation by ingesting anything in the house with slightest trace of caffeine. Usually wind up either chugging chocolate syrup straight from bottle, choking down half a can of decade-old unsweetened cocoa baking powder, or slurping up yesterday’s grinds fresh from the trash. If necessary caffeine intake isn’t achieved, petite dejeumalaise will result.
strainbrain noun–when you realize you have no coffee filters so you panic and decide to brew your coffee using toilet paper and your bra.
bittering verb–seemingly innocent tweets on Twitter that underneath stink of the crankiness you feel now that you have no life as a parent.
meloncholy adjective–the sadness you feel after realizing you have to pick up your boobs in order to put them inside your bra.
lactose-incensed verb–simmering anger caused by never being able to sit down for any length of time to eat a single bite of your meal due to nonstop requests from your kids for more milk.
rationale noun–when you convince yourself a diet of three Fritos, half a pizza crust and a spoonful of cold mac-n-cheese constitutes a complete meal. Usually brought on by lactose-incense.
Caesarean Salad Diet noun–when you eat like a rabbit for years and years only to realize nothing will ever get rid of your flabby Shar Pei belly other than serious liposuction or simply laying flat on back for all eternity.
whaturation noun–the frantic state a mom feels after responding to an endless barrage of “Hey, Mom?” requests. With each, “what?” she utters, her blood pressure increases 20 points. Once the systolic hits 160, she may become severely crackatoan. You are advised to throw either coffee or chocolate at her, then run and take cover.
She's A Maineiac 
Oh, I remember those days…..this time will eventtually fade to a blur in your memory, until clarified by reading a very vivid and clever descrription by someone currently living throough a similar time. Repeat the mantra-“these are the good old days” until blood pressure drops to normal. It helps. Usually!!
At the rate my brain cells seem to be dying now, I don’t think the blurry memory thing is that far off.
I LOVE this! I named my belly flab “my capuchin belly pie.”
I am so glad you finally gave some names for these common conditions. You better call Webster!
The belly is great, isn’t it? Every time I had to have another c-section or abdominal surgery, I’d slip the surgeon five bucks and hint around that while he’s poking around in there, he might as well give me some liposuction while he’s at it, jeezum crow, y’know?! Isn’t it like for every five surgeries, you get a tummy tuck free?
You sure know how to make people look forward to having kids! Lol.
Whatever do you mean, Lily? This doesn’t make you want to have a dozen or so now? But kids are all rainbows, puppies and cotton candy, right?
Hilarious! I do believe that all Moms deserve their own dictionary. Perhaps even their own language.
It’s the least we can get for all we do, Jean, I agree. It is very exhausting trying to not let my head implode most days.
Impending strangulation. I know it isn’t a made-up word, but my kid is older than yours. When you’ve asked your child to do something 6,231 times and there has been no response. You can feel your fingers twitching. That’s when you have to get out of the house. 😉
Ah, yes, the Bartlich maneuver. God, I love Homer.
So Tech isn’t that much older than my son, right? Because I can feel my fingers twitching already and he just turned ten.
Tech is a teenager.
A teenager.
He’s 13.
It’s, like, totally different.
Duh. 😉
Well, no duh! 😉 You are right. At this age, there is a huge difference between just one year in terms of maturity (and ability to completely ignore your mom…) I can’t wait until my son is 11. yeah!
I’m sending you a fresh bottle of gin right now. If you drink it fast enough, you’ll on your back, stomach flat as a board. You’re welcome.
I love so much about this comment, I am weeping tears of utter joy right now. You get me, JD, you really get me.
Oh my god, I am in a constant state of whaturation. The “mom!”s totally put me over the top. I enter a state of crackatoen after only about 5-6. Really it doesn’t take much. That’s why I’ve tried to develop a healthy drinking problem. The only problem is if I have to deal with my kids for extended periods of time without the consumption of alcohol. I have been sick for 4 days, with not a drop. Can you guess where my patience level rests? Yeah.
Isn’t it awful how quickly we crack under the “hey, Mom?” pressure? After about 10 of those in a row, it’s all over for me. I can’t help but scream WHAT?!! WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?????
Sorry you’ve been sick. My kids both had the stomach flu this past weekend. Loads of fun!
petite dejeumalaise- bwa-hahahah! I gotta say, an absolute lack of sleep brought on by too much parenting and school work is somehow enhancing your brilliance. Way to go, Darlanski.
Do you really “tweet”? I’ve heard of such things, but have never seen one in action. My, the wonders of modern technology.
Yes, I think my posts are best when I write them in a advil-induced haze hunched over the computer at 5 am. and the posts I really work hard on and revise and edit? Pure crap.
I never tweet. I only tweet my new blog posts. I read other tweets though and man oh man, there is some depressing stuff out there, Pegnacious.
I’m howling!!! This–you–brilliant (is/are)!!
Thank you much, El!
All the things I’ve missed out on by not having kids. This is hilarious, by the way. I’m sure it doesn’t always FEEL hilarious, but you manage to make it sound fun. And this has FP written all over it, btw.
thanks, Madame–speaking of which, I just noticed your post was put up under the Editors’ Picks for September. Congrats!
Haha! petite dejeumalaise—it’s amazing how you made French sound bitchy!
I found it surprisingly easy to do.
Will we be seeing new entries into the Urban Dictionary? I think so!
But Darla, will you ever properly reach “crackatoan” if your daughter hates dogs????
Oh, I most definitely will. She loves dogs now. She’s obsessed with them.Ever since she went to my sister-in-law’s house this summer and bonded with her microscopic puppy named Dougie. It’s Dougie this and Dougie that…We’ll see how she feels tomorrow. I’m sure she’ll flip back to hating dogs again very soon.
You should get one before she does! I mean, it’s not like you’re doing anything else ;0.
haha! Yeah! Totally not doing anything else!
I have a feeling that once I get a puppy, then bring it home, she’ll suddenly change her mind again. But, it can be MY dog, right? And I can name it Mr. Puddles! ooh!!!
If you call your dog Mr. Puddles you are asking for a nightmare of housebreaking!!!
I thought I’d get a jump on things, maybe even psych him out. Now I really want a dog just to name him that.
We nicknamed Cooper “The Super Pooper.” He lived up to it, and not in a good way.
Aw, good ol’ Cooper Pooper! (For a minute I thought you were talking about our friendly blogger Cooper…ahem)
This post is the best birth control method! Send this out to teenagers everywhere.
I’ve always dreamed I’d write a post that would actually help someone someday…I think I’ve finally found it. Yes!
I keep an emergency stash of coffee. It’s cheap coffee that I don’t like, so I won’t use it normally, that way it’s there in case of serious need.
Smart. I think I have a dusty old can of Yuban kicking around in the back of my cupboard from my college days. Just too pissed off and cranky this morning to dig around for it. I do keep emergency coffee creamer (that nasty white powder stuff)for those days when we’re out of milk. I’ve been known to even put whipped cream in my coffee when I am desperate.
Oh Darla! “meloncholy adjective–the sadness you feel after realizing you have to pick up your boobs in order to put them inside your bra” That one had me on the floor! 🙂 You’re too funny for words!!
Lorna, the meloncholy one is without a doubt my favorite. I’m glad you can laugh about it. Not that you have to do that with your boobs, (ahem) I really don’t know. But for me, every year they just end up going south more and more. Gravity. pffffft (shaking head)
Hahahahahahahaha! Really, Darla, these days I wouldn’t mind laying flat for all of eternity…at least for part of it…for a half a second of it! And with the added benefit of a flat stomach look….T-rrifici! 😉 Great vocab, girl. XOXO-SWM
I think laying flat on your back also helps to make my double chin disappear. So it’s all good.
Funny stuff, Darla! Mom’s have all the fun!
🙂
Oh, yeah, Tar, it’s a barrel of laughs over heyah at my house. And this week? All of us are sick with a stomach bug. Wooohooo! Let the good times roll, baby! (i’m sorry, my sarcasm is really getting out of control lately…)
I feel your pain. And thank you for giving me the proper vocabulary to now describe it. I think the one that had me rolling on the floor, I’ll have to tweak just a tad, would be watermeloncholy. Yup. Fabulous.
Ha! Yes, much better with watermeloncholy.
I swear, Darla, this is briliantly funny! What a great idea! Sometimes I’m amazed by your ability to come up with them!
Hugs,
Kathy
Thanks, Kathy. I really do think my insomnia fries my brain to the point of madness. Makes for interesting posts!
Does the offender get extra points if someone throws coffee-filled chocolates? 😀
I love melon-choly. And don’t feel alone – there’s an old poem that I can’t fully remember, but refers to a man’s “little chum” who used to stand up and watch him shave, but these days hangs down and watches him shine his shoes.
Not quite the definition of “getting down” I had in mind, when it used to mean having sex……. 😉
hahaha! Ooh, boy. I’m sure gravity affects both men and women in so many different ways so it all evens out.
This is no doubt the best blog post in the history of blogging! Thank you for the laughs, which emerged from the depths of shar pei belly!
Now that is a comment that made my day. It’s great to laugh at it. It’s all I have these days. I had a feeling someone else out there had a shar pei belly, I can’t be the only one. Sigh.
these are perfect
I find the harshest truths are the funniest.
and because they are harsh, making them funny makes them more palatable
Exactly. It’s the only way I operate in this life!
I love your Webster-worthy additions to the dictionary. Also the twitters. Your hysterical descriptions of motherhood brought back my days of yearning for a cashmere straight jacket. 😆
No kidding! I can’t wait until I can look back and not-so fondly remember these days…
I can’t believe Chuck E Cheese is still around. I remember cringing as the kids played with their shoes before picking up the pizza and grabbing the parmesan cheese with the sock sweat/pizza sauce/nose wiping fingers and then taking off for the play areas again. I’m surprised we are not all dead.
Eww! Exactly, Renee! Blah! My son just had his birthday party last week at Jokers, a kind of hyped-up version of Chuck E. Cheese. And guess what? All of us are sick with a stomach bug this week. Even my husband who never gets sick. I fully blame that infernal third circle of hell called Jokers.
Shar-Pei belly. Yep. My oldest was 17 when I got pregnant with number three, and although I was in decent shape everywhere else, I still had the mom pouch. And since I got pregnant AGAIN five months after number three was born, I shall go to my grave with the mom pouch.
Me too. It’s really not fair. I exercise like mad, eat right and still have the shar pei thing. Unless I stumble upon 10,000 bucks to get a tummy tuck, it’ll be with me forever.
I’ve been struggling to come up with something witty to add, but apparently the last of my witty brain cells were sucked out and left to dry in the sun at some point. That’s what happens when your kids hit the teen years. Teens are ruthless! Not even gin will re-hydrate these lost brain cells. So here’s the only witty comment I can muster up: LOL!
You and me both. I can barely string a few words together lately. And your comment was much better than anything I can come up with for a reply. As you can see…I am sooooo not looking forward to the teen years. Driving cars, going to dances, dating. (shudders) it’s the stuff of my nightmares, really.
was this a homework assignment???
Don’t I wish, Cooper! God, school would be so much more fun if I could somehow convince my prof to put my dang blog into the syllabus.
by the way, what I love about your gravatar is that is actually looks like you are speaking your comment. Kinda surreal. (I think I need more sleep now)
And it doesn’t stop. When my kiddos come home from college, they still pull that milk routine. And “Getityourself.” doesn’t work. They say , “Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.” Over and over and over like Stewie on The Family Guy. Do NOT let anyone in your family watch that. They consider it a training video.
No, no, no! I thought it DID stop! OH GOD!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
They have seen the Stewie “mama, mama, mom” thing and they LOVE it. I am so screwed, Barb.
Hey! How’s school going?
Thanks for asking. It is going great. Studying my ass off. Getting A grades so far. I have to maintain a B average for my degree so I am super stressed about that, but I’m almost halfway through my semester, thank god.
I wish I knew these when mine weren’t adults. Should I pass them on now they have children of their own?
Absolutely, please do, Val. Maybe it’ll help. I doubt it, but maybe it’ll ease the pain a bit?
Oh my God, I love this post so much! You have just described my life to a ‘T’! Especially after 3 rainy weekend days here in the great state of Maine, I was truly ready to go postal on my entire family! Thanks for summing it up so perfectly, lol.
Thank you and good lord the rain was awful, wasn’t it? All weekend camped out inside with the hyper kids. We built a huge sheet fort though and that occupied them for one hour. I am hoping next weekend is sunny so I can finally go see some fall foliage before the winter hits.
Darla, so clever! Sounds like things are in full-on crazy mode at your house! Sick kids, no coffee — those two things should never come at the same time. I am quite impressed by your clever momglish dictionary (momglish — you’ve coined a new term there, my friend!). Very nice play on words, and so many of them! Maybe the coffee depravation has heightened all your other senses. So the requests for more milk seem even louder than they are? Nope, requests that require me to get up from the table during dinner are one of the most annoying sounds ever. But I do love the picture of the happy family you chose!
Melissa, things are actually much more hectic today, if you can believe it (I know you can…) What is it about the fall…there are just too many things going on all at once. I have both kids birthdays…Halloween..parent/teacher conferences….homework…soccer practices…It goes so fast though, you blink and it’s Christmas. Gah!
Okay, then I’m just going to hold my eyes open. Gosh I’m smart!
Oh, and the thing about getting up at the dinner table. I love how after I’ve gotten up about 100 times, my husband will ask, “You want me to get it?” and I’ll stare at him like, “Uh, no, honey. You just sit there. I don’t need to eat AT ALL, it’s okay, really.” Grrrrr!!! Men.
I still have the mamacure from decades ago. Thanks for sharing the key to strainbrain, too. LOL
Me, too. I just cut my nails down to the quick and don’t even bother with them anymore. Much like my make-up. And brushing my hair. Ok…I guess I do brush my hair most days…but really, what’s the point?
Well, I dunno Darla. There I was thinking I was better than all you people (moms) ‘cos I don’t have any kids, and what do I find? I’ve got words for the small birds I feed. However, because they will never ever grow up and because their appetite for never-ending doses of suet and wormblies is neverending, I have pledged never to reveal those words.
However, I can let you into a little secret: yours will one day leave home. Mine never will.
SOBS! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!!!!
Ha! Well, I don’t know, Val, according to our good buddy Charles, once the hellions reach the age of 18 it’s good riddance and time to celebrate an empty nest. As much as I love my kids, I have a feeling I’ll embrace those days anyway.
Absolutely true! I had a bit of the meloncholy this morning. Sadly, I ended up leaving my wonderful, ready to drink and travel coffee on the kitchen counter this morning. I think I have a case of the forgettingitus!
At least you didn’t leave it on top of the roof of your car, cuz I’ve done that. More than once.
Don’t you have an ethical obligation to disclose the funding you’re obviously receiving from the birth control industry?
Ha! yes, it’s true. A girl’s gotta make a living somehow….
This was Hilarious Darla. I returned to blogosphere after a long break. And what a fun post was waiting for me in your blog. 🙂
Thanks, Arindam. And I’m glad you’ve returned from your long break. I feel another long break for myself coming on very soon.
Darla, whether you’re creating new words for the dictionary or tripping down memory lane, you never fail to amuse, enlighten or amaze. I nominated you for The Lovely Blogger Award – even though I suspect you have more awards than you can shake a stick at. You can see the details on my blog.
Oh, thanks so much, Judy! That really brightened my day. I appreciate it. I hope you have a lovely weekend.
Hmm … yeah, yeah, yeah. Poor, poor mom, she has to do everything. Ahem.
What about poor dad. Do you have any idea what it takes??
“Stick-to-it-ive-ness” – The ability for a dad to sit perfectly still while the kids are requesting everything NOT on the table. And then the VERY careful timing of waiting until mom starts to get up before asking if we can get it. It’s an art, and all that sitting can lead to “dadoroids.” It’s a medical condition I’m sure you’ll learn about at school. hehehe
A ha! I KNEW it! I had a feeling you dads had that timing down to a science. How do you guys do that? The nanosecond we start to get up out of our chairs, you ask, “Want me to get it, hon?” and by then the steam is coming out of my ears and it’s too little, too late. You guys are more clever than we give you credit for, methinks.
Haha!! I loved this. Sorry it took me so long to get here. These ALL should be submitted to the Sniglet dictionary. “Mamacure” belongs in there just a few pages before “stalagmah.” These are words that should be used every day, along with the not-so-nice one’s that occasionally pass our lips. Nice post, Dar. Love your sense of humor, even if I share your view of a “pathetic life.”
PS – Stainbrain….soooo stealing that one!! Only, my bra wouldn’t cut it for a filter – an A-cup hardly makes a single cuppa joe, much less a pot.
Yes! Sniglets! I remember that guy! I was trying to think of what he called them and couldn’t for the life of me remember.
How the heck are ya, Shannon? Enjoying the fall-ish weather? Or is it 100 degrees where you live? It was close to 80 here today which is bizarre. But Monday? brrrrrr….cold in the 50s.
P.S. I giggled at your A-cup comment. Yeah, I have no clue why I thought about brewing my coffee with my bra that day. I must be losing my ever-lovin’ mind. Well…that’s not true, I’ve already lost it completely. Speaking of which, when you talk to Angie, let her know I miss her and WordPress really sucks without her now. (she’s gonna be ticked I’m trying to drag her back into this bloggy crap! lol)
Hey, ya, woman! Still barefooted. Still in the high-80’s. Supposed to change tonight. We’d be pitching the tent and sleeping outside if it weren’t for the expected rain (to come with the cool front). But the quick-set ring pool is being decommissioned until next spring. It’s a sad day…
Oh noooo! Not the pool! (ours was deflated about a month and a half ago!)
We are getting frost next week. I suspect three feet of snow will come the day after that.
Yikes! Oh…and I soooooo totally rocked the mamacure today. I took a picture of my foot against a rather large bur oak leaf (for perspective), and said, “Hey, Ginny! Look at my mamacure!!” I was rockin’ the 3-month-old chipped pink nail paint and black toe jam. Really. There’s a picture. I’ll email it. LOL
That email killed me! Um. Well, I would never even dare take a photo of my feet.
Enjoyed your posts! Wanted you to know I nominated you for the Sisterhood of World Bloggers (http://stregajewellry.wordpress.com/2012/10/06/quickie-post/)
Thank you! Happy you like my posts!
Tee hee. I love this game. One down…
PS – I LOVE your posts, even if it takes me days to get to them. But I always get to them. 🙂
Aw, thanks, Shannon. You always say the nicest things!
Nice or not, I mean it. Did you get my Mamacure email? I did send you a photo…
Rationale — me, me, me! That’s me! I am so glad to have a word for it now. I have eaten more sandwich crusts and carrot stick ends than I can count on all my cat’s toes.
Your tweets are da bomb.
Wow. I didn’t know cats had toes.
Does this mean you’re back? (leaning forward, cupping chin in hands, eyebrows raised, eyes wide open)
Love those tweets! I can totally imagine moms filling water-bottles with gin as they lug kids around. But hey, whatever keeps them sane enough not to drown their kids Shutter-Island style is okay with me.
And my favorite of your lexicon additions is ‘petite dejeumalaise,’ although shouldn’t it be petit not petite? (I know I’m being an asshole here; feel free to ignore.)
Shutter-island style? ha!
Uh, it probably should be petit. I guess, I really don’t know. Guess those four years of French I took back in high school have really paid off, huh.
Oh, Darla– I don’t know whether to laugh or cry! I get mamacures all the time, even without any kids around. I don’t even bother with the fancy anymore. 😦
Yeah, see, you get it! The older I get, the less I bother with most anything related to my appearance. So sad…
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