The Maineiac Edition
crackatoan adjective–the moment when a mama starts to completely lose her cool after listening to her five year old daughter whine, “But I want a puppy RIGHT NOW!” for six straight hours. Telltale warning signs: extreme twitchiness, clenched jaw, low guttural groans, flames shooting out of eye sockets.
mamacure noun–a typical mom’s fingernail condition approximately three minutes after painting her nails. Usually chipped, ragged, stained with crayola markers, Kool-aid and reeking of ‘why do I even bother?’
petite dejeumalaise noun–general bitchy mood of a mother in a rush to make everyone breakfast. May or may not lead to crackatoan mood.
Example: When you can’t open the bread no matter which direction you twist or untwist the stupid, frickin tie so you end up shredding the bag open with your teeth then throwing mutilated gobs of Wonder bread at your husband’s head while yelling, “You want toast? Here’s your ****ing toast!”
javaticulitis noun–the state of desperation you feel at 5 am when you suddenly realize you’re out of coffee after getting only 3 hours total sleep the night before. May attempt to remedy situation by ingesting anything in the house with slightest trace of caffeine. Usually wind up either chugging chocolate syrup straight from bottle, choking down half a can of decade-old unsweetened cocoa baking powder, or slurping up yesterday’s grinds fresh from the trash. If necessary caffeine intake isn’t achieved, petite dejeumalaise will result.
strainbrain noun–when you realize you have no coffee filters so you panic and decide to brew your coffee using toilet paper and your bra.
bittering verb–seemingly innocent tweets on Twitter that underneath stink of the crankiness you feel now that you have no life as a parent.
meloncholy adjective–the sadness you feel after realizing you have to pick up your boobs in order to put them inside your bra.
lactose-incensed verb–simmering anger caused by never being able to sit down for any length of time to eat a single bite of your meal due to nonstop requests from your kids for more milk.
rationale noun–when you convince yourself a diet of three Fritos, half a pizza crust and a spoonful of cold mac-n-cheese constitutes a complete meal. Usually brought on by lactose-incense.
Caesarean Salad Diet noun–when you eat like a rabbit for years and years only to realize nothing will ever get rid of your flabby Shar Pei belly other than serious liposuction or simply laying flat on back for all eternity.
whaturation noun–the frantic state a mom feels after responding to an endless barrage of “Hey, Mom?” requests. With each, “what?” she utters, her blood pressure increases 20 points. Once the systolic hits 160, she may become severely crackatoan. You are advised to throw either coffee or chocolate at her, then run and take cover.