Einstein and the Theory of Slurpees

It’s not easy being here. It takes time to adjust.

At first it was pretty cool. I loved zipping around, flying from place to place. After all, I had no body anymore, so there was that.

When I first arrived, everyone was there to greet me, kind of like a big high school reunion, but without the anxiety or bad ’80s music. It was great seeing my family and friends. But, holy shit! There were just so many of them! I was told I had already lived 52 lives back down on Earth. Fifty-two! You’d think with all that knowledge, some of it would have sunk in with my last life, but no. If only I had backed away from the bridge after the guy hitched me onto the bungee cord, I’d still be down there right now, eating Doritos and watching Roseanne reruns.

But I wasn’t. So I made do.

The first thing I noticed about the other side– it’s not ‘over there’ or ‘up there’. It’s right here. Right where you still exist. We are all milling around just a few frequencies above the living. Not far at all. Sometimes one of you might catch a glimpse of us if the dimensions accidentally leak into one another. But we’re not up on some cloud playing harps with the angels. (The angels have more important things to do, trust me.) We have buildings. We have mountains and lakes. But no Walmarts or McDonalds. It’s just like Earth.

Only infinitely better.

So after I crossed over, my next stop was the Past Lives Viewing Theater. A few of my friends dragged me there that first day. I say ‘day’ but really, time doesn’t exist over here. I won’t go into specifics, but let’s just say even Einstein’s mind was blown after he crossed over.

After I arrived at the theater, I was led by a man dressed in white down a long white hall to a large white room with a white chair. One thing you’ll notice after you get here, everything seems to be bathed in white. A glowing, almost blinding white. “How do you not bump into anything?” I asked my friends and they all laughed.

I sat down to face this gigantic silver screen, better than any HDTV at Best Buy. You’re probably familiar with surround sound? Well, this sucker had the fourth dimension built in. Not only could I see any of my past lives in full technicolor, but I could interact with any moment in any of those lives firsthand, like I was reliving it with all my senses intact.

Next time you do something really stupid or embarrassing, just remember this–it’s being recorded.

Makes you think twice about dancing naked while singing songs from Glee into your hairbrush, huh.

Oh, and the refreshments were killer. I was only on the other side mere moments and already I started to miss food. I wanted a big bucket of popcorn with melted butter. Boom. It was there beside me. I wanted a jumbo-sized blue-raspberry Slurpee. Bam. It appeared out of nowhere.

“Don’t worry,” said the man in white. “There are no such things as calories here. Dig in.”

I was loving this place already.

A few things I discovered while at the movies: I was once a housewife living in a log cabin on the prairie with eleven children in the 1800s, I was once a chambermaid for a filthy rich English family in the late 1700s, and I was once eaten by a black bear in Siberia in the year 1502.

Explained my lifelong aversion to kids, bears and cleaning.

While the Viewing Theater was a riot, and a few mysteries were finally solved, I was already wondering what would happen next. I mean, what did people do up here all day long?

So I’m dead. Now what?

“I think it’s time you meet with the Light,” the man in white said.

“Huh? How did you read my thoughts?”

“Remember, that’s how we communicate up here. No need for spoken language.”

“So you know everything I’m thinking.”

“Yes.”

“Bummer.”

“It can be quite handy.”

“What am I thinking right now?”

“Doritos.”

“And now?”

“You’re singing that you like big butts and you can’t deny…can we proceed, please?”

“You are good.”

“I know.”

“So who’s this light person?”

The Light. The Being. God. Y’know….the god/goddess of Everything…?”

“Sure. I’m game. Is he expecting me?”

“There is no ‘he’. Or ‘she’. The Light is both she and he. Or neither.”

“Right. Just like today is not today, tomorrow or yesterday?”

“Exactly.”

“Okay, if you say so,” I downed another Slurpee, watched it disappear into the ether that used to be my stomach and laughed. Whoa–no brain freeze! Makes sense, I have no actual brain anymore. Chuckling to myself, I turned to float back down the hall. Which to me was ridiculous, as I probably could have zipped straight through the walls since they–like everything else here–seemed transparent and buzzing with a crackling energy. It was all too much. My head felt dizzy. Well, if I still had a head. Now my body was more like a murky ball of vapor with fuzzy outlines. For a second, I caught myself wondering where I would put my cell phone.

Getting used to being dead is a process.

“I’m ready,” I sighed. “Just one thing–does this shapeless, formless, swirling vapor cloud of energy make my butt look big?”

“Ha ha. Very funny.”

“Man! I am so relieved humor exists up here! And where is that music coming from? Is that John Lennon I hear singing?”

“Yes.  From time to time, you can hear him jamming with George Harrison down in the gardens.”

“I think I’m going to like it here.”

“You won’t be staying for long, I’m afraid.”

“Bummer.”

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86 thoughts on “Einstein and the Theory of Slurpees

  1. This was so great. I love thinking about what Heaven will be like, and your rendition is fantastic. It would be so hard to get used to living without a body and not experiencing brain freeze (but not too hard!) Thanks for posting this this morning.

    1. She's a Maineiac says:

      Thank you. I had this sudden urge to write something last night and knew I wanted to do a kind of ghost story. And this just poured out. It was lots of fun. A place where calories don’t count and John Lennon sings? Heaven. I miss writing!

  2. Sometimes, in my mind, I go to the other side and sit down with my Mom and have a cup of tea…we have conversations kind of like that…no calories, no need to speak…everything good, calm and serene…then I wake up and she’s still gone and I’m still here, schlepping along.

    The Past Lives Viewing Theater is a very scary thought. I shall conduct myself accordingly from now on.

    This was great, Darla…I enjoyed it.

    1. Whew, I’m happy you like it, Katy. It’s scary to write again.

      I have dreams of my grandparents all the time. I recently had a breakthrough dream of my dad. He was sitting with me and we were just chatting away, laughing and smiling. I don’t normally dream about my dad or dream of him actually talking to me, so this was big. Like a reunion, felt very real. Left a smile on my face for days. Only wish I could remember what he told me.

  3. Beautiful!

    I often think about what Heaven will be like, and I have always pictured my Grandmother there, apron on, cooking at her stove and Grandpa, Dad and my Uncles sitting at her kitchen table, smiling and welcoming me in for a spell. The love and warmth and happiness is indescribable. At their feet are all the dogs that have passed along, outside are the kitties and horses of my childhood.

    And, down the lane, is a young, slim, Elvis! 🙂

    Did I mention I love this post?

    MJ

    1. That is exactly what I imagine as well, MJ. Seeing my grandparents again. Loads of pets visiting me. I can’t wait to see my beloved childhood dog again, I miss her so much I can barely write about her even now. (the slim Elvis made me laugh!)

  4. I knew an afterlife without calories was too good to be true for long!

    D-Pants, this was FABULOUS. Funny and compelling. PLEASE tell me there’s going to be a part 2 with The Light?? I seriously went, “Aw man!” when I saw it was ending.

    And now I really want to get to the bottom of my scorpion fear. How did they get me in a past life. HOW?!

    1. You might even say my ending was a ‘bummer’?

      I only wish I knew if there is a part 2! I wrote this so fast, I didn’t stop to think how I would ever continue it. Maybe next week I’ll get inspired again?

      I’m sure the scorpion fear will be solved one day for you. I swear I was killed by a mutant spider in a past life.

  5. Beautiful… Beautiful… Beautiful…
    But in the end, it was so sad that one can’t stay for long in that amazing place where there are no calories, where telepathy exists, where you can float around, where you can finally be free…

    1. I know. Such a HUGE bummer. It’s sad, but maybe this character will find something more important and fulfilling if I ever get to writing part two.

      I really, really want to edit that ending. I wrote it so fast and now I can see where I can totally change it to make it better. But can you imagine what a let-down it must be to die and go to heaven, only to be told you have to go back?!

  6. Cool! That’s pretty much how I imagine it goes. When Dad passed and I sat and connected with him, I got, “Woo hooo!! I’m freeee!!!!” In that moment I was so happy for him, and so damned jealous.

      1. At the time, I was taking a class called Communicating with Spirit. We hadn’t gotten to connecting with our loved ones who had passed over, yet in class, but I figured, what the heck, and gave it a go. The biggest thing I have learned from taking classes such as that, is to trust what you get. After I connected with Dad, two other times after that when I was with a psychic person, they confirmed what I had gotten. I know you connect with your Dad.

      2. All the time, Sue. My dad is great at giving me signs to know he’s around. He promised me he’d never ‘haunt’ me (we talked about that before he died). But still, if I ask him directly for a signal, he never disappoints me.

  7. This was marvelous Darla! I also hope there is a part 2 in the works…you left me on a cliffhanger there at the end.

    My kind of place — one where there are no calorie and John Lennon is playing music. Though it is scary that they know what you’re thinking at all times….

    1. I know, I suppose the endless recording of our every moment and the thought-reading are canceled out by the zero-calories and John Lennon concerts. It all has to balance out in the end, I suppose.

  8. Darla, Darla, Darla. This was sublime! What a beautiful and creative piece of writing. This could definitely be in a published novel. It’s better than some of the stuff I’ve read lately!! Really, I am sure you will be a brilliant nurse, but writing is definitely one of your talents and skills that you need to keep doing. You have a wonderful way with storytelling. And what a great imagining of how the afterlife shall exist. Eat anything you want when you want it with no calories? Sounds like MY idea of heaven! 😉

    1. Misty, your comment truly made my whole day. Thanks for that. If only I could make actual money at this writing gig, I’d be set. And I really do believe my description of heaven isn’t that far off from the real thing.

  9. I too am looking forward to Part II. Your vision of Heaven is pretty dandy. Except no McDonald’s?? What am I going to do for french fries? I also like that your past lives weren’t glamorous. So many people, when they talk about their past lives, they were royalty or wealthy or whatever. I’m skeptical of these claims.

    1. Well, I suppose I could imagine an extra-large order of fries and they’d magically appear…(I can only hope) And yeah, with the way my current life is going, I’ve no doubt my past lives weren’t glamorous at all.

  10. Darla, this is fantastic, my friend. You had me with the first sentence. I especially love the line about being a “few frequencies about the living.” Nice sound, nice rhythm. Love it!
    Hugs,
    Kathy

  11. So, everything’s recorded, eh? Well, if you really like slapstick comedy like the Three Stooges, I’ll just say “You’re welcome” – and there’s still a ton more to come, knowing my luck. 😉

    1. I would love to see a movie of your life, John. I cringe when I think of some of my ‘finer’ moments in life. Oh, man, can you imagine how embarrassed we’d be if we had to relive things?

    1. Thanks! I once had a psychic reading and she told me I really did live on a prairie in a log cabin in the 1800s with seven kids and my current mother was my mother-in-law back then. I could see that. ha! The bear thing, totally made that up. I wonder if I was killed by a spider once though as I have a huge fear of them.

  12. Just beautiful, Darla. This is why I am such a huge fan of yours. I just loved the way you created the whole story and help your readers visualize those thoughts which were roaming in your mind while you wrote this post. Darla is there any genre left, where you have not shown your writing talent yet!

    1. Ha! No kidding. No place to hide. I think maybe this character has to go back because obviously, certain life lessons didn’t sink it just yet. I’m hoping if there is truly reincarnation, I won’t have to come back here. I think I’m done.

  13. Running from Hell with El says:

    Grinning. Heaven is a place where you can drink unlimited Slurpees and neither grow a big butt nor suffer brain freeze . . . sounds like bliss!

    1. I’ve never read that story. I really do believe in reincarnation, Judy. It makes total sense to me. Just not sure who I was in the past or why I’d want to come back. I will look forward to reuniting with past loved ones for sure, though.

  14. You can believe me or doubt me, but I’ve been there. It’s pure bliss. I brain freeze could never happen, but I felt like I had a brain. Pain isn’t possible there, but understanding is. Hard to describe. I really enjoyed your take on the whole afterlife thing–humorous and delightful as always. I only wish more people could experience what I did. Then know one would be afraid of death. For real. 🙂

      1. Lorna's Voice says:

        No I haven’t. I’ve been thinking about it. I’d have to write it as a serious piece and I’m not sure how it would be received. What do you think?

  15. Darla, this was wonderful. Like the others, I would love to have more to the story. I can see myself hunkered down in bed or cozied up on the couch, holding this novel in my hands. And yet, having just a sample does so much. Thank you for being inspired and sharing it with us.

  16. I read this yesterday, and had to leave.
    This is so close, so very very close to how I know it to be, that it was eerie. I had a… glimpse… of what it is like, and it really is so very close. And very, very comforting.
    Thank you for sharing this post!

    1. Wow, another person who has had a glimpse of the other side. Incredible. I do think this is very accurate to what it really is over/up there. Well, maybe minus my lame big butt jokes…..Have you written about your experience?

  17. What a great story – way to get those creative juices flowing!

    When I think about someone who has died, I always wonder if my thinking about them kind of turns their eye my way. And I wish I wasn’t in the shower at the moment.

    Will this story have a sequel so we know where you end up?

    1. I’m hoping that even ghosts can appreciate our need for privacy. I hope it has a part two.Maybe I can come up with something this weekend. Really have no clue where I was going with this one….

  18. Darla, this was great. And so well written. You kept your tone and voice and rhythm going strong and steady through the whole piece. And what a surreal post! Did this come to you in a vision? So many great one-liners, but more than that, the piece was so enchanting from start to finish.

    1. Melissa, that was what I was striving for–a certain voice. Thank you for noticing that (I am not surprised!) You are gonna laugh, but this actually came to me while I was exercising on the elliptical. Ha! All my ideas come to me while I’m walking outside or working out. I wanted to write a kind of ghost story, but not your typical one. So I sat down and this just came out in one rush, first draft. I haven’t written any fiction in months and months so this made me feel good to get it out. (that novel I’m working on? um….stuck at 10,000 words….don’t know when I’ll get back to it)

  19. Did they have Ben & Jerry’s, and if so, do the deceased flavors come back to life? Was there Rainforest Crunch? That’s really all I need to know.

    You’re an amazing writer. Have I ever told you that?

    1. I would think that if the Great Mystery of Rainforest Crunch was ever solved, we would have world peace.

      And, no, I don’t believe you’ve ever told me that. Okay, maybe once or twice. I’m still not buying it. (will I ever??) and thank you, Charles, truly.

  20. Shit, Darla, I just started reading all the comments here and half way down the page thought, “if I don’t skip the other half of them, I’ll never post my comment!” so – here I am. Tardy as ever, and posting the comment. And the comment is… the comment is… (huh?) that I love this story! And I want you to write more. And I particularly love this line: “For a second, I caught myself wondering where I would put my cell phone.” and I suspect that the reason you don’t get to stay long in the white light sight of the white light is cos they want your doritos for themselves/himself/herself/itself. Whatever. 😉

    1. I think you may be onto something here, Val—it’s the Doritos. Always the Doritos. I thank you for your comment, there is never a ‘tardy’ comment. I am starting my part 2 of this fascinating story about Big Butts right now actually. It’s gonna be epic. Or just really dumb.

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