THE BIG EVERYTHING
After the man in white whisked me away from the Past Lives Viewing Theater (he never did tell me his name, so I decided to call him Mike), I noticed an odd sound. It was a buzzing of sorts, pulsing in waves.
Buzzzzzz…..buzzzzz….buzzzzz….
Or maybe it was more of a whumm….whummmmm….whummmm….
I imagined a giant generator floating off in the distance, plugged into a monstrous power strip. I knew it. The universe is powered by Home Depot! I chuckled to myself, stopping to hover in the sky right above the gardens while John Lennon sang on the stage below, “There are places I’ll remember….”
“We must move quickly now. The Light is waiting for us,” said Mike.
“But first, tell me this, does John imagine there’s a heaven now?”
“Ha. Ha. Yes. Good one. We have to go. Right now.”
“Wait…is He or She, I mean… the God and/or Goddess of Everything, giving off that loud buzzing sound?”
“Sort of.”
“You should really try to be more vague.”
I never realized a spirit was capable of eye-rolling with his entire body until that moment. Tiny specks of bright red flared up like sparks, rippling in waves across his energy cloud.
I sensed he was growing tired of my jokes.
“Hey!” I yelled as I felt a zap of heat where my wrist used to be. Suddenly, Mike and I were zooming straight up into darkness, closer to the big generator in the sky.
Although the spirit dimension is just above the living, the place The Light resides is well, light-years away, straight up in an immense oval-shaped black space surrounded by blindingly bright stars. Kind of like a giant football stadium.
“Well, here we are. I will leave you now. Oh, and good luck, although I’m certain you won’t need it,” Mike snickered. At least I thought he’d snickered. Another thing you’ll learn up here–even spirits in a perfect world can be a bit snarky.
“Wait! What? You’re leaving?”
“Yes. Piece of advice…” Bursts of pale red streaked through Mike’s aura as he leaned in to whisper. “Do not ask if they serve chili dogs. Do not ask for a beer. Do not ask if Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix will be the halftime show. This may very well be the place of The Big Everything, but you need to warm up to God a little before you start with the one-liners, okay? Got it?”
Man, this Mike sure is a buzz-kill! I thought.
“I can heeeear you, remember? And my name’s not Miiiiiiiike….” Mike said, his voice trailing away as he dropped straight down through the clouds below.
So I waited. I floated. The Big Everything, huh? I thought, glancing around. Sounded promising. Huh. So far it looks like The Big Fat Nothing. I tapped my vapor cloud foot and hummed the theme to Greatest American Hero. “Believe it or not…I’m walking on air…I never thought I could feel so freeee….” I looked around some more. Hmm. Still nothing but stars and that infernal buzzing. I checked my watch. Dang it. No watch. Or wrist. I sighed. Is God coming? Is He held up somewhere? Did He have an emergency? I thought He was everywhere all at once. If so, why isn’t He here now?
Right on cue, the buzzing changed. Now it sounded musical, like a gentle harp was playing, along with some violins and a little new-age synthesizer mixed in. Soon I heard a haunting angelic voice singing. Not bad, not bad. Very soothing. Had a nice beat. I wondered if this was the waiting room. Or the pre-waiting waiting room? In any case, the music was quite nice….
YOU LIKE ENYA?
A swoosh of heat and light blazed overhead like an enormous fireball, only to disappear on the other side of the star stadium, sparkles of white light dancing in its wake.
Now that’s the way to make an entrance! I let out a snort. Then I started to giggle. I couldn’t help it.
Get a grip. I need to maintain. Maintain! Be cool.
“Uh…God….? Is that You? Was that You?” I asked the darkness.
Nothing. I glanced around and noticed the stars changing colors from purple to gold to deep blue, all twinkling in time to the music, which was now growing louder. “Who can say where the road goes….where the day goes…only time….” Enya continued to sing. Her voice was pretty dang calming, I had to admit.
“Sure! Sure, I like Enya. Love it! Yeah! Good stuff!” my voice cracked as I started to panic. When The Light had blown past, I’d felt the most incredible sense of peace envelope my entire soul. Peace that was so strong, so all-encompassing, it made me like Enya.
I FIND HER MUSIC TO BE QUITE RELAXING. REALLY HELPS TAKE THE EDGE OFF.
God’s voice was coming from close behind me now, my entire energy-cloud body shivering and crackling in response. His voice wasn’t a mere voice. It was an entity all its own. It took hold of all my senses and seeped into my soul, radiating pure peace and love. If His voice is that big, I thought, I can’t wait to see what this dude looks like.
I turned around.
“Whoa,” I said. “You are….I mean…wow. Just wow. You are incredible. Astounding even. I’m in awe. Pure awe. You are. Awesome. I really mean that.”
YEAH, I KNOW. I GET THAT A LOT.
I know you’re dying right now to know what I saw, what The Light looks like and all. But trust me, words will never be enough. I suppose if you can imagine a light so bright, so vivid and bursting with the biggest, most exquisite love ever felt on Earth, then multiple that by a gazillion, you still won’t even come close to what I saw and felt.
“So how…uh…how can I help You? Is there anything? A-anything at all?” I sputtered. It was hard to talk to God without lapsing into a catatonic state of bliss. As you know, when I get spacey, I tend to ramble.
“Not that You need any help. I mean, I’m sure You don’t need any help at all. You’re God. You’re perfect. You never make mistakes. Well, there’s the Honey Boo Boo show….but I’ll let that one slide…heh… I’m sure You had nothing to do with that….I mean…what I’m trying to say is…can I help You? Or is it may I help You? Does grammar exist up here? Please tell me it doesn’t! Anyway….if I can help, in any way…just let me know…don’t be shy…” I gulped and continued to stare, transfixed with the gorgeous rays of gold light bursting out of what I could only assume was His head. Does He even have a head? The glaring light made it hard for me to make out any distinguishing features. If only I hadn’t left my sunglasses on the kitchen counter that morning!
I THINK YOU’RE VERY FUNNY. YOU MAKE ME LAUGH.
“Oh! Thank You! Thank you, er… Your Highness! Can I call you God? Or is it The Light?” I squinted up at Him. “Or….something…else….?” Once again I felt hopelessly mesmerized.
YOU CAN CALL ME WHATEVER YOU WISH.
God paused.
JUST DON’T CALL ME MIKE.
The Light let out a thunderous roar. Millions of rainbows shot out of the sky and stars were rearranged. It blew my mind across the universe and back again.
“Was that your laugh?”
YES. I LAUGH ALL THE TIME. I APPRECIATE HUMOR. DON’T LET OL’ PHIL GET TO YOU. HE’S NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE THE INCIDENT.
“Incident? Phil? Ha! I knew it! Phil!”
SO I NEED YOU TO DO A FEW THINGS…
“You’ve got it.”
As God moved closer to me, the warmth and love was so overwhelming, I started to cry.
“Sorry, “I sniffed. “You’re just so…so nice to hang out with.”
IT’S OKAY, REALLY. THERE, THERE.
God gave me a squeeze and in a flash, I suddenly knew everything there was to know about everything.
“Whoa,” I said.
OKAY—SO, WE GOOD? I NEED YOU TO HELP HIM. HE’S IN REAL DANGER.
God scooped me up and we zipped straight down to Earth within a millisecond of a nanosecond. He parted the clouds with a flick of his massive hand to reveal the glittering skyline of a city below: Portland, Maine.
“Maine? Really? Seriously? Not someplace warmer? Like Hawaii?” I asked. He chuckled, careful not to scare me again with a real laugh. He showed me a two story brick house at the end of a cul de sac dotted with the soft glow of lampposts. Floating high above, I watched as a dark minivan pulled into the driveway. A woman with a worn Red Sox baseball cap got out, sipping on a grande half-caf vanilla latte with skim milk from Starbucks. (I told you, I knew everything about everything now.) She slid the backseat car door open, juggling her coffee in one hand while hefting a chubby, curly-haired toddler onto one hip. As the woman walked to the front door, the baby turned to look up into the night sky, letting out a loud squeal that pierced the cool quiet air.
“Baba?” the baby asked, pointing directly at me with his little hand. I felt my aura prickle with electricity.
“Shhh….” his mom soothed into his ear.
Locking my gaze onto his hazel eyes, entire lifetimes spun, weaving circles around and around–death, birth, sadness, longing, pain, wisdom, hope and love. All of it there, meshed together in some bizarre cosmic tapestry, floating within the green and brown specks of his eyes. “Baba,” the baby giggled and plugged his thumb into his mouth, still watching me as they vanished inside the house.
I had finally found you again.
But this time around, in this lifetime, I knew I would have to make things right.
*************************************************************************************************
*This is a fictional short story. It didn’t really happen. I swear.
You can read part 1: Einstein and the Theory of Slurpees, so that this part will make much more sense. Hopefully.
She's A Maineiac 
YOU LIKE ENYA!
Hahaha! “Carry me, far away”
And that’s all I can do from Orinoko Flow.
So fun.
That’s all I need to know about Orinoko Flow (In real life, I really, really, really don’t like Enya)
Liar. I know she’s playing in the background right now. 😉
Well, that is amazing… Glad you continued with the story! 🙂
I am happy I went back to it again, I wanted to know what God was like.
I loved this Darla and the ending gave me shivers. Quite a feat for a comedy piece! Excellent!
Susie, I’m not sure where that ending came from…kind of out of left field. I intended this story to be funny all the way through, but sometimes things take a turn, I guess. Thanks for reading such a LONG story, I appreciate your input.
You ARE funny! Even God thinks so. 🙂
I’m with Susie . . . shivers. I don’t even really know what it means, but it was damn powerful stuff. Bravo.
I don’t either. But shivers are good.
Wonderful story! In our Ukrainian part of the family, Baba is Grandma… will there be a Part 3?
Really? I didn’t know that! I hope one day I will continue the story.
Both parts were amazing. And funny, of course. 😉 You’re quite talented, Darla. Loved it!
I love to do the funny, Lily. Much easier than the dramatic stuff! and thank you!
“Baba?” As Margie noted, that means “Grandma.” Is that you? Darla, I love the way your creative mind works. Beautiful story.
I’m hoping you’re right … that God does have a sense of humor and that calories do not exist. I could deal with John Lennon jamming in the Eternal Garden and Enya singing her haunting tunes.
I honestly didn’t know baba meant grandma. I was thinking more along the lines of that was all the baby could articulate (my son used to call everything baba) But maybe the character WAS the baby’s grandma in a past life? interesting…..hmmm…This next life the character will not be the baby’s grandma, I can say that with certainty. This is more like a love story where the character is reborn so will be a few years younger than the baby boy. They grow up together and fall in love. (wow, sorry I am rambling in the comments to you, Judy….) And somehow my character will have to do something to save this baby boy in the future.
I haven’t read it yet, I’m saving it to peruse over my morning coffee from my new pod machine. I just ordered 108 pods, 6 different types, I can pick the perfect coffee for reading blogs and the perfect coffee to match the author.
ha! You are hooked on that machine now, huh? I want one for Christmas!
Yes! I have been waiting with baited breath for this. Hilarious and awesome. You are really talented!
Thank you, it was so much fun to take a break and write.
Hilarious, beautiful – and so creative! I’m curious to see where this will go. 🙂
Aw, thanks, Audrey. I am very curious to see what happens next as well.
I like your version of the Afterlife a lot. I’d be sad if people weren’t snarky up there. But I bet God does like Enya. She really is soothing. Although I’m sure he rocks out a lot too.
This was great, Darla. Seriously. Funny and bittersweet and moving and compelling. But the ending….I’m clearly stupid because I can’t figure out who the baby is, and who you are to him. Or is that the point?
Thanks, Weebs! That is the point. Yeah, that was my intention. I think….? (I don’t really know, either.)
Very well done. Nicely constructed!
thanks, B. And what are you doing awake? Go back to sleep, take a nap. Sleep when the baby sleeps, don’t you know that by now?
You have to make it right in this lifetime? I KNEW it! You’re a fan of the TV show “Sliders”! So come on, tell me, is this the Earth where the Brits won the Revolutionary War, and the Prof is the Prince of Wales? C’mon – you can tell me! 😉 😀
You mean there was a show about this very thing called Sliders?! I thought I had an original idea! 😉
Loved it. Can’t waif for the next instalment. 🙂
Not sure there will be a next chapter, but glad you liked it.
Cooooool! You had me from the start, Darlmesmerizer. Do you get to make it right this time?
I have no idea. I hope so. This story wasn’t about me. If the character makes it right…well, I guess I’ll have to wait and see what happens.
(so good to ‘see’ you again, out and about in the bloggysphere!)
Holy cow! Nice. I’m hooked…when’s the next installment?! (no pressure school girl).
😉
~d.
No pressure? Good. I am in the midst of my mid-terms right now. With that stress and this Frankenstorm of the century on its way here, I’m hoping I can get back to writing again in a few weeks.
Hilarious! But Enya??
Enya is hysterical!
I think I missed something, because even though I laughed while I was reading it, the ending left me teary eyed…..
More, please?
I was also shocked at the turn of events of this story at the end. I wasn’t expecting it to get all dramatic either!
I enjoyed every word of it.
Russ
thanks, Russ.
Wonderful, Darla. And it left me with such hope. Imagine that snarky folks like us may be appreciated as much in heaven as we are on earth …
Beautifully written, Darla.
Long live snark!
So great! I love that when God laughed “Millions of rainbows shot out of the sky and stars were rearranged.” That is just awesome.
The big generator in the sky. 🙂
Looking forward to reading part 3.
Yeah, I think I wrote that line right after the effects of the two tylenol PMs hit me hard. thanks, Jackie, part 3 might be awhile if we lose power next week. I’ll have to write by candlelight like the old days.
Maybe you won;t be so surprised when your time finally comes…;)
Do tell, Lorna! I’m certain I won’t be all that surprised.
That place where you go when you’re not here any more is a place where anything and everything is possible. So you kind of nailed it, Darla! 🙂
Wow. That is incredible.
Awesome! Darla, very well written and wonderfully scripted. 🙂
Thanks, Arindam! It was fun.
D-Pants! Seriously. You’ve been holding out on us on the fiction front – this is SO. GOOD. I laughed out loud several times – the Enya bit and “Maine? Really?” got me, especially.
I was soooo excited to see you continued this story. I still want more, though, just so you know.
Aw, thanks, your opinion means a lot. I might get back to this in a few weeks, who knows? Depends on how long my power is out.
Funny and beautiful at the same time, Darla. Not easy to do.
Thanks, Charles. It isn’t easy at all, that’s for sure. I just reread what i wrote and I am cringing. I’d like to edit it some more and strike a lot of it out now.
Loved it! Both parts one and two. God’s laugh — exactly as I suspected. Sorry I’ve been away…life is crazy lately. I so enjoy reading your stories; such a talented writer, I can’t wait for part three.
Yeah, God’s laugh had GOT to be just like I described, right?
Thanks for much for your comments, but don’t know about part 3 for awhile. Some of my exams from last week were pushed to this week. By Tuesday my brain should be cottage cheese. Do expect a phone call from me later this week, woman.
Looking forward to it, Mama.