Some of you may know that I’m currently back in college as a full time student. I’m a little over halfway through my first semester and finally finished with my midterm exams.
Unfortunately, whenever I take an intense exam, like in my anatomy course, a few things happen: my heart starts to palpitate, my eyesight gets blurry, my breathing becomes shallow as I start to hyperventilate, and finally, my brain completely shuts down.
Maybe one day I’ll know what all that means medically so I can resuscitate myself when I faint, fall forward and slam my forehead onto the cold, hard lab table. Good thing my classes are also attended by an EMT and a couple CNAs. Although, the fact they’re all taking Anatomy for the second time concerns me a little.
So how did I do on my exams? Well….you be the judge. I think my professor was trying to trick us with the multiple choice, but I was onto her.
8) In the diagram below, label the sections of a typical female brain:
Whew! That was a killer test! How’d I do, guys? I’m guessing I might have scored the lowest anyone has ever scored on a test in human history. An F-? Or a Q? Maybe I reached a letter grade that’s nonexistent.
How do you do with tests? Do you have nightmares and anxiety about them, like I do? Yeah, well, I am living my test-taking nightmares every week now, really helps crank up my insomnia a notch.
She's A Maineiac 
I failed this test: preventing coffee from spraying all over my laptop when I read #7.
I know. The idea of Alex Trebek getting some is pretty darn funny.
Nailed it!! I think you probably got an A++++++. Or, maybe even a letter greater than A. Like, you did so well that they are going to have to make up a new letter just for you. Like when Prince made up a symbol for his name. Something like ~*(@)*~. Yep, that’s what you got! (With my luck, that probably means “huge asshole” or something in text symbol speak . . . sorry I just called you a huge asshole, Darla. I didn’t mean it).
You can call me a huge asshole, Misty. I think we know each other well enough now for me to think of it as a term of endearment.
So….you like Prince?? Is that what you’re saying? Cuz I need some new ammunition to combat you with the Justin Bieber card that is currently laying right next to my daughter’s bed and every night when she wants me to read her a book, she reaches over and opens it about a million times. Then I go to sleep with “Baby, baby, baby…oh!” replaying in my head.
Hmmm, Prince, huh? Sure, I guess he’s ok. I never really thought about it. I just always think of the ridiculousness he pulled with that whole symbol as name thing. But I do like some of his stuff from the 80s & early 90s. Before he got all loco. Yeah, good luck finding a singing Prince card, though. 😉
And the fact that your daughter tortures you with that card every night . . . well, it’s wrong is what it is. NOT an extremely funny and unintended side effect of my little prank. Wrong. 😉
I bet if there was a Prince card that played “Little Red Corvette” out there, I could find it. Soooo…..what do you like? I mean, what do you really hate? So I can torture you with a sweet card??? 😉
You’ll breeze through it, then they’ll sack the teacher and you’ll take the class.
I can only dream, Joe. I think I would be a great professor. I’d use all those technical terms like ‘poop’ and ‘breasticles’.
OMG–Darla, this is hilarious. Need to send this to my nephew who is taking anatomy and physiology this semester! Gonna post it on his FB page! Sometimes I don’t know how you come up with this shit! LOVE it!
Hugs,
Kathy
I have no idea, either, Kathy. I think it’s because I’m operating on four hours sleep a night? Hope your nephew gets a laugh out of this…taking these classes are pretty intense for someone like me who left half her brain about 10 years ago when I had kids.
I’m about to have my midterm in Litigation tonight, so I’ll let you know 🙂
I hope I don’t get questions wrong about courts and appeals and pleadings because I’ll be too busy chuckling over the definition of ‘trebeculae”. I’m picturing him trying to pick up a woman in a bar:
AT: “Trebek! You lay!”
Girl: “No.”
AT: “NO? Trebek mad! Trebek SMASH!” (slams fist onto the bar, throws a beer, storms out)
Great. That bit of silliness just pushed out the information about what happens when you don’t reply to a countersuit! Okay, back to the books…
Trebek mad, Trebek smash. Haha!! I am sure that’s what happens when he tries to get laid. He’s such a know-it-all, anyway. Good luck with your midterm…oh, wait, you already took it…hope you did well (I know you did)
That diagram is AMAZING. So freaking funny. And I can’t remember the last time I appreciated potty humor so much. Bravo!
Thanks! I had fun with the diagram. Potty humor is all I’ve got now. All this studying has reduced my brain to cottage cheese. (I kinda like it.)
“Eat and poop.” That sums up the system AND my life. I’m just not sure where blogging fits in!
I would think at our age, ‘eat and poop’ sums up our daily existence. Ain’t getting old grand?? And I look at blogging almost the same way. I have to get my thoughts out, so I just poop a post. (Oh my god, did I just type that? what has happened to me, Elyse?? I have turned into my 10 year old son….)
Or you’ve been hanging around with me, the Bathroom Queen, for too long!
If I was one of the examiners who had to read through hundreds of papers, and got a paper like this, I’d promote you to Professor next term.
From your typed words to my professor’s ears. (or something like that) Thanks, Rosie. It’s really too bad I couldn’t take a course in potty-themed blogging.
OMG! I don’t have a #13! What should I do? Could I get some medication to turn it into a book buying addiction instead?
Well, I have a confession to make here, Val I don’t really like to go shoe shopping. In fact, I hate shopping in general. This was a diagram of a typical woman. I am far from typical. I think I own about three pairs of shoes total. Boots, sneakers and flip flops.
A++
I wrote the Lord’s prayer in French on my French exam in grade 10 – I was then sent to summer school for French- I think I offended God
What, no points for creativity? For shame. I took French for four years in high school and all I can remember now is Ca va? Ca va bien.
hey I gave you A++ what more do you want–you have to read between the lines — One of the + was for creativity, the other was because you are hilarious
Oh no, I meant that YOU didn’t get points for creativity on your French exam. (but, hell, I’ll still take the A + + from you!)
This was hilarious, Darla. But that question number 8 is wrong. Do females have real brain inside their heads. I read somewhere that, female brains are unique; because “in left there is nothing left and in right their is nothing right”. And Before the females kill me, let me honestly say to you that, I was just joking. 🙂
Ooh….you’re walking on thin ice there, Arindam. But your comment was funny, so I’ll allow it. 😉
You labeled my brain perfectly. In fact, I was just telling Jules that I watched Nora Ephron’s Julie and Julia and I couldn’t stop crying (I’m attributing it to the PMS part of my brain. I was eating chocolate cake with no plate or fork at the time). I think the blog gods are telling me to rewatch every Nora Ephron movie. That’s the third time today I’ve seen her name.
But enough about me and Nora (my middle name is Nora btw). Looks to me like you aced this test. I would have given you a check plus, a green shiny star sticker, and a stamp that says “Well done!” (I used to teach kindergarten.)
Oh! How I love, love, LOVE Julie and Julia! And eating chocolate cake with no fork! That sounds like the perfect day to me. Love Nora, love that your middle name is Nora. And yes, definitely rewatch Julie and Julia. One of my faves (love Meryl Streep) Thanks for the star sticker, I used to be a preschool teacher so I know how important a sticker is….
Hm. “Eat and poop.” Question: What would have been the two most effective actions of President Mitt Romney? (Was that what you were looking for? 😉 )
I did okay on tests, except in English with those “yellow is to dandelion as zinc is to …” tests. I’d come up with perfectly good answers (well, zinc is a grey tint, and dandelions are painted yellow, so zinc is to battleship. Whaddaya mean, “the correct answer is ‘can’, because yellow-colour is what covers a dandelion”? Whaddaya mean, “Get my dang nose outta that ‘Battleships Of WW2’ book?), and end up failing. (Sigh.) Why do English teachers never realise that you only learn English so you can properly describe a Tiger Tank to teen-agers? 😉
Whaddaya mean, “Get yer dang head outta that military crap”? 😀
Oh, I hear you. I hate those kinds of tests. I always did terrible on them. I took my SAT test twice. Got the same exact score–exactly average. I think it was a 430 on both sections. I am just not made to do multiple choice, I like to be creative and think outside the box. Okay, I like to not even think of a box at all.
Excellent job! You should check out Carrie Rubin’s blog. She has been in the health care profession and she seems to know a lot about pooping . . . oh, and writing too.
http://carrierubin.com/2012/10/29/science-potpourri-the-blame-goes-to-wordpress/
Someone that knows a lot about pooping?? I am so there! Thanks for the link.
Gossipus Nonstoppus, hahahaha Oh DP. I love all of this. And we all know you only get A’s.
All of this sounds like a recipe for an alcohol dependency. Maybe that’s why some of them had to take Anatomy twice?
I had a feeling you’d like the gossipus nonstoppus because I wrote that specifically for you, JD. Not that you or I would ever gossip. On the phone. For hours and hours. Never.
If you don’t get an A for the entire course just for these exam answers, something is very wrong. Your brain diagram is superb. But I think my favorite answer is about the blood flowing around and around in a circular kind of fashion. That made me laugh out loud.
Heehee. Yeah, I was so great at bullshitting my answers back in high school and college. Looks like I’ve never lost my touch.
Love it. Hilarious. 😀
Aw, thanks, Jennifer! I wish my actual exam could have been like this one. Although, my teacher did try to be funny on one multiple choice. She asked what does the integument system involve (skin, nails and hair) and one of her answers was “horns and hooves”. I came pretty close to picking that answer just for the hell of it.
I would have answered all these questions the same. You get an A+ in hilarity.
I think I should submit this for extra credit…or SOMEthing.
I’m still stuck on the fact that you’re going back to school. Good for you! I know how hard that is to do when you are trying to keep a household going. But after I saw the answers to your exam questions, I wasn’t worried about you anymore. You’ll get kicked out before the end of the semester, and you can go back to cleaning toilets.
But, Susan, this is what my major is, cleaning toilets. I’m very good at it.
I would give you an A+. The diagram is pure genius. Maybe not what they would expect but totally accurate nonetheless. “Center of gossipus nonstoppus.” You crack me up. 😀
Thanks, Lily. Surprisingly, it wasn’t very hard to try and make fun of women. I think I’m an authority on that subject.
Loved your test answers. If nothing else, you will earn points for making the teacher laugh while grading so many boring papers. Digestive system – eat and poop in a continuous (hopefully) cycle. Cracked me up!
Hope you are learning how to unfreeze at test time. It’s always so stressful.
Hang in there! 🙂
Tar! Good to see you! How the heck are you?
Yeah, I was hoping someone would catch the ‘hopefully’ part of the pooping scenario. At my age, it can be a real crapshoot. (Ba dum dum!)
The female brain is incredible, isn’t it? Too bad the sex drive part is as hard to get to as a G-spot.
Oh, so you noticed how teeny tiny I made the sexual drive part! yes! These days, it’s all I can do to say to my husband “I have a headache”. I’m usually asleep before I can muster up the energy to even say it.
Good answers!
I thought patella was a Spanish rice dish.
And a damned delicious one, Margie. But a bit on the spicy side. I don’t do spicy anymore.
I think my burning hatred of EL James brain part is much, much larger. Or I have brain damage.
I had to put the E L James one in there for you, Speaker. Reading your recrap posts has increased my brain’s section a thousandfold.
I have actually taught Anatomy & Physiology…and my tests looked very similar to those…and I offered extra credit to anyone who could do the “Pump Your Blood” song done on Happy Days – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIXcWE0bTwY
No one took me up on it, though. Party Poopers.
Medulla whitewineous…Brilliant.
AND…I have seriously thought that I would have to perform CPR on students who get so worked up before a test that they “forget” to breathe…
Once again, I would LOVE to be a student in your class, Katy. We’d have so much fun…dancing around the room to Pump Your Blood (I know that song by heart, pun totally intended_
You must have aced that sucker!
It reminds me of Frankie on “The Middle.” She just went back to school to become a dental hygienist! Love that show.
I always wondered where poop came from. Thanks for enlightening me!
I love that show, too! I haven’t seen it in awhile, I had no idea she went back to dental school. I’ll have to start DVRing it again.
You’ll have a brilliant career as a comic nurse. They say that laughter is the best medicine after all and we can be fairly sure you’ll cure everyone you come into contact with. You are hilarious and I learned a lot that I had forgotten since my anatomy classes. And “poop” is a latin term, by the way…
I would love to be a comical nurse. Not sure the doctors would love it, though. Thanks, Jean, you always say the nicest things. I just hope I can get through the next few years of more classes. Sigh!
If I feel I’m unprepared before a test, I will have to leave the room to vomit. Then I’d come back and finish the test. I was NEVER like that when I was younger, but now that I’m older the anxiety gets to me. Probably why I couldn’t handle going back full-time now.
Yeah, what is up with the anxiety? I never had it when I was in college in my 20s. I know this sounds bad, but back then, I didn’t study much, I never took notes and I still did very well with my grades. This time around? I panic constantly. My brain isn’t the way it used to be. I have to study 10 times as hard as when I was younger.
And I just realized how large the area was for Nora Ephron movies… Awesome!
I know, isn’t it great?? Oh, do I love Nora Ephron. Still sad about her passing.
You got them all right except #7. I’m pretty sure a trebeculae is a type of catapult.
Haha! Yes, it is. And I just realized I spelled it wrong anyway. It’s supposed to be ‘trabeculae’ not ‘trebeculae’. But it’s funnier if I misspell it.
Perfection! Were I your teacher I would give you an A
How I wish you could be, Val.
You is smart, girl. I nearly missed the Pie Hole question.
That is too funny, I was so close to using “I Sure Is Learnin’!” for the title of this post.
I’d give you an A just for answer number 5.
That answer really took a lot of thinking on my part. Bullshitting is challenging.
Forget about Nurse Betty! The next big hit will be Nurse Darla!
Yeah! Go, Nurse Darla! I’ll be a nurse…right?….someday?….maybe??
Oh, how I love those knobby doohickeys! Great work! I see straight A’s in your future: “A” for Astronomically Hilarious! 😉 XOXO-Kasey
heehee…I liked knobby doohickeys, too. I think it’s much more fun to say then the boring vertebrae.
I think you missed one of the sections of the female brain: the coffee clatch. It’s just between the Ryan Gosling fantasies and the shoe shopping addiction.
Otherwise A +!
Oh man! Yeah, how could I forget the java?! I’ll just have to wipe out the medulla oblongata and substitute it for coffee now…
I think I would be into taking tests if they were created by you. Otherwise, I am enjoying the test-free days I know are coming to a close . . .
On the bright side, it’s only the really important, life-defining tests (think LSAT) that make me so nervous I’m physically sick. (I think that’s a bright side?)
You and me both, Deb. I shudder at the very thought of me taking the nursing entrance exams! Doesn’t help that someone told me you only get three chances of passing them in your entire lifetime. No pressure at all.
GAH! I break into a cold sweat just reading that!
I know, I’m already having nightmares about taking it.
Holy hell! Darla, please please get a Teitter account so I can share this with the Twitterverse properly. Omigosh! So hilarious. I recently tried to take one of TechSupport’s Earth Science quizzes. Hahahaha. Yeah.
No. 🙂
Renee, I have a twitter account. Somewhere…I think I’m under Darla the Maineiac or something….??
Oh and thanks so much for the retweet! You are too kind….
My favorite line was the one about all things husband/boyfriend has ever said filed alphabetically . . . and of course cross-indexed to every article of clothing we’ve ever worn, and all adjectives containing any reference to weight . . .
Yep, still have text anxiety. Some assholes keep stealing my exam, or I show up an hour late of Macroeconomics Honors (true story).
Sometimes I’ll say to my husband, “remember that time back in March 2001 when you said _____?? I was wearing that awesome pair of jeans and a pink top and only weighed 120 pounds…..?” He always forgets but I never do.
I was so anxious during my last anatomy lab exam, I could feel my face burning red, I got so flustered I dropped the model of the pelvis and I think I cracked the hip bone. yikes!
You know, seeing the title of this post popping up repeatedly in my Inbox reminds me of an old song:
“The leg bone’s connected to the … head bone”
“The leg bone’s connected to the … head bone”
“The leg bone’s connected to the … head bone”
“The leg bone’s connected to the … head bone”
“The leg bone’s connected to the … head bone”
“The leg bone’s connected to the … head bone”
“The leg bone’s connected to the … head bone”
“The leg bone’s connected to the … head bone”
“And that’s the way the octopus is built!” 😀
By the by, are you SURE you want to be a nurse? It’s gonna get expensive you know. Every time you would into some poor guy’s waiting room to take his blood pressure, you’re gonna excite him so bad, he’ll bust your sphigono…. sphogno … sphigern….. blood-pressure taking thingy! 😉
I might cause a man to bust my sphigono?! You always say the sweetest things, John. 😉
There’s NO way you didn’t ace that exam.
My recurring nightmare was when I worked in radio news. In my anxious dreams, I was in the booth, ready to go on the air, and realized I didn’t have my script of the carts (cartridges with audio interview cuts) in the room with me. Often woke up in a cold sweat.
See, this is the thing, all of my worst nightmares are school related. I’m always late for the exam, or I show up in my underwear or naked, or I don’t know any of the answers….or my desk turns into an elephant and suddenly I’m in the desert talking to Jim Morrison.
Exsqueeze me French, but this was fucking hilarious!
I didn’t laugh much, because I’m too cool for laughter, but I was definitely almost there! It felt liberating, or maybe I just farted…
I have a lot of thinking to do.
Well, thanks, Daan. To think I almost made you laugh and probably made you fart has truly made my entire weekend.
I know. I have a way with always knowing exactly what to say to people. And after that incredibly hard test, you sounded like you could use some cheering up.
It certainly helped. Along with the beers I’m going to be drinking later on today while I watch the Pats win. (god willing)
This was brilliant. This is why WordPress pays you the big bucks 😉 If this isn’t Freshly Pressed than I don’t even know what Freshly Pressed is! Wait, do I know? I’ll guess (C) a type of salami?
I love how your ad on the bottom right now is for Lumosity and shows a brain and says how you can improve your brain function if you “click here”. So, so smart, those ad strategists are.
You’ve got me there. WordPress IS paying me big time. I have earned 2 dollars and 94 cents so far. This is why I blog, Angie. My hope is that before I die, I can finally cash it in and buy that coveted Perfect Strangers ‘Balki Gone Wild!” DVD.
And for you to say this should be FP, makes my heart soar!…..then come crashing down only to be pulverized in a blender because I haven’t been FP in so long, I think it is a type of salami.
(p.s. I missed you! how’ve you been?)
Slowly creeping back into existence. With the exception of maybe you, I think the world has forgotten me already. For readers to notice me again, I might have to get drunk and take off my shirt. Not really, but it worked for a girl I knew in college.
The world has ‘forgotten’ you?! Perish the thought! As if, dude! I think the world is missing you big time. Your comments alone are genius. The wordpress world just ain’t the same without you. It’s so cold and empty without the witty banter….
And I think getting drunk and taking off your shirt is my next move. Maybe it’ll get me FP again.
I just realized I said, “Getting drunk and taking off YOUR shirt is my next move”. um….I meant taking off MY OWN shirt, naturally…not taking off your shirt. Although–that would REALLY get both our bloggy stats soaring through the roof.
And, hey, your blog is my blog’s font-twin now! High five!
Woot woot! High five! on the side! yeah, I looked around WP, I checked various blog themes, and I determined that yours was The Best. Hands down. Love the font. Love the title. My goal is to keep it at this theme forever. (or at least until next week)
Or as my brother once tricked me with, “High five, on the side, in the whole….you just cleaned my toilet bowl.”
Ah, yes, brothers and their relentless need to humiliate and disgust their sisters….sigh…those were the daaaaaays….
*hole*….man, I hate when my iPad steps on my joke.
Bahaha! You make me so glad not to be in school anymore. I always flopped the multiple-choice exams, but aced the ones where it took me 20 minutes to solve one flippin’ problem (usually a circuit solving for x in terms of a, b, c’s, and x, y, z’s…the profs never gave us actual numbers to crunch so calculators were worthless, damn them all).
Your test graphic reminds me of something I saw in engineering school, a mathematical proof (I love math, by the way) for why sex is fun, in case you’re interested.
I think you might have made a, um, Q or something. Though I did super-love your sphincter answer (and video)! I had forgotten about Wayne’s World. Might have to watch that again some time. Miss being bloggy. It might take me a week or more to catch up.
Glad (hoped?) it all went well with mid-terms!
Hold up—a mathematical proof that determines why sex is fun? Why wasn’t I aware of this while I struggled through all my algebra and calculus classes? maybe I would have paid more attention…
Oh, isn’t Wayne’s World great? Love a good, silly, bathroom humor movie! I love Mike Myers in just about anything (Austin Powers are also some of my fave movies)
I miss being bloggy too. I’m slowing down a bit. Just one post a week now. My midterms are all done. This is the first week I can breathe a bit. When’s a good time to call you?
After noon most days, except today. Yeah about mid-terms! Relax for a bit, then it all cranks back up until finals. Yikes.
I linked the proof (did you see it?). One of the funniest things I ever saw; it’s really hard to make anything funny out of calculus.
Haha! No I didn’t see that link you left (I think I need to find my glasses, finally…sigh!) But I saw the math and didn’t understand a bit of it, but it’s still pretty funny.
Brilliant, Darlenstein! I am printing that picture of the human brain and posting it on the refrigerator. Maybe then my hubby would understand. But I think you got the answer wrong on #2. Food goes in the pie hole and THEN it is chewed. Back to the books, babe.
Sorry I have been MIA lately. Life is….so life-like. Hope all is great with you.
ps Love the new look as well. I want to be Angie, too. I want to put on a big Angie suit and live in it. Sure glad that doesn’t sound creepy.
Oh, you are so right! It’s not pie hole. It’s probably gullet…right? let me know O’ wise one!
I can understand you being MIA. Life sure is life-like sometimes. Such a shame. I certainly hope things level off for you soon.
I tried to make my blog look nothing like Angie’s so she wouldn’t think I was copying her too much. Hence,the pink and purple accents….
You say your life is life-like? Dang – I’d KILL for life-like. Mine’s more sci-fi post-apocalyptic dystopian most of the time….
Sounds like someone could be making big bucks if his life were made into a movie…
Remember, sci-fi has to be at least plausible for a good story. Nobody would believe mine…
Ok, I’m not a doctor, but my husband is, which gives me an honorary degree in doctor’s-wifery (something akin to mid-wifery) and DAMN, that was funny! Thanks for the laugh on a surprisingly warm Maine Fall afternoon! 🙂
Thanks! Well, as an honorary doc-wife, you are certainly qualified for this comment. And wasn’t today gorgeous? I took the kids to the playground and just basked in the sun for hours. Felt so good.
Who wants to be fp’d when you can get tp’d like this? I had to spin the roll and scroll away way down here. Another hilarious post! My sincerest best wishes for a great term, future nurse Darla.
TP’d, indeed! heehee! Thanks, Georgette. This week I have a bit of a lull in the academic madness so I’ll be blogging up a storm now.
I hate tests. Some answers I’m sure about, but the others I end up doing a lot of second guessing…and erasing. And usually the ones I change are the ones I get wrong. Always go with your first instinct!
I agree completely. I started using a pencil during my tests at first. But then, I’d end up erasing like a mad woman and doubting my answers.
I still have nightmares about tests, 20 years later. I love your version though. Would love to see a professor’s reaction to that, though I’m doubting any anatomy professor would have a sense of humor.
Too bad colleges don’t mark you for effort like elementary schools do. If they did, you’d be getting an “E” for sure! (Writing this post alone would have taken me at least an entire semester, so kudos to you for posting it right after midterm hell!)
Oh, Dana, those mid-terms nearly killed me (and I have final exams in 2 weeks!) I had to let off some steam and what better way than to watch stupid Wayne’s World clips?
Well am I ever happy to have found your hilarious blog. You are brilliant, but here I am in the early morning on a sleep-in day for hubby, having quietly tip-toed out to the laptop in the livingroom… and just now was literally covering my mouth with my housecoat-covered arm trying to quiet my laughter at this post! Part of my brain was screaming “Stop reading!” but I couldn’t do it! Thank you for the very best belly laugh I’ve ever tried to hide! I still hear snoring so I think it worked 🙂
This really made my day, thank you! It was fun to make anatomy seem exciting for a change. I’m sure I’ll be posting about it more in the future. I have to take Anatomy and Physiology 2 next semester. Sigh.