Recently, employees of Walmart, Sears and Target were outraged when their companies decided to open stores to the public as early as 8 pm on Thanksgiving Day. Apparently, being with family and friends for some quality time and gravy-soaked turkey is now trumped by a shopper’s right to buy the blue light special of a camouflage Forever Lazy at a steep discount.
I think this is a good thing. Why make people wait until midnight to shop for gifts they can’t afford for people that won’t appreciate them? Why not move everything ahead a day? Why bother celebrating Thanksgiving at all?
I think rushing things is the way to go. Any fool knows life is only about quantity not quality. We need these few extra hours on Black Thursday/Friday so we can finally attempt to fully stuff the bottomless pits of our psyches with endless amounts of iPad minis and Applebee’s gift cards.
Besides, how else am I supposed to top my credit card debt from last year?
Why waste out lives on silly things like being with each other, making memories or sharing love and laughter? It’s all about the goods, baby. Bring on the material crap. More! More! More! It’s what makes the world go ’round. (Or what keeps the bigwigs at these monster box store companies filthy rich while their employees get paid minimum wage.) And it’s never enough, you just gotta keep buying, buying, buying. Why, I’ve already bought my gifts for the next ten Christmases!
So what the hell, let’s just cut to the chase and shift everything ahead. To what really matters most. Money and things.
This could work in so many other areas in life.
“I know pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the br—”
“Wait! Hold up. I want divorce. Also the house and the car. You get to keep your stupid golf clubs.”
“Hmm…. Fair deal. Done.”
“Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, you have a beautiful baby boy!”
“Oh, he’s amazing! And sweetie? Did you remember to put him on the waiting list for Harvard? He’s going to be the most incredible cardiac surgeon and help us sail into early retirement!
Ka-ching! Now, why are you just standing there? Go sign him up for cello and Chinese lessons so he’ll have an edge with admissions!”
“Well, hello there…. I’ve heard so many nice things about you. So tell me, what’s your favorite music?”
“Look. Let’s cut the crap. In about three years, you’ll cheat on me and I’ll kick you out of our apartment, right after throwing your iPod out the window. So here, just take this 100 bucks now, so we can call it even and end this. Right after I finish eating my chicken parm. Deal?”
“Mrs. Smith, I am terribly sorry to inform you, but you only have six to twelve months to live.”
“I’m sorry? Good?”
“Oh yeah! That’s plenty of time for me to convince the funeral home to give me a cemetery plot discount at 25%. Maybe they’ll double my savings if I get one for my husband, too! By the way….does he happen to have any terminal illnesses?”
“Damn. We could have saved so much money.”