Perhaps you’ve heard about today’s Powerball jackpot, the largest in the history of wasting your hard-earned money for something that will never happen. I am writing this post to let you all know a few facts: it is over 500 million and I am going to win it.
Oh, yes, I am. I bought my ticket this morning, so don’t even bother wasting your two dollars.
But I promise, when I win, I will remember all you little people while I’m sipping gold-flecked champagne out of a solid gold glass and sunning on my solid gold yacht floating somewhere in the Riviera while George Clooney massages my back with diamond-encrusted sunscreen.
Still as much as I know these dreams of mine will come true soon enough, I get a little peeved when I switch on the radio or watch the news and they all start babbling on and on about the astronomical odds of winning. Then to really twist the knife in my heart, they mention all the other things more likely to happen to you in your life. So I’ve devised my own list of odds.
MY ODDS OF:
winning the Powerball 175 million to 1
getting struck by lightning 10,000 to 1
getting struck by lightning while watching Honey Boo Boo 20 to 1
finding out Honey Boo Boo is in rehab at the age of 18 5 to 1
hitting a hole in one on three consecutive par-3 holes 156 million to 1
hitting a triple bogey because I suck at golf 2 to 1
being attacked by a shark 11.5 million to 1
being attacked by a shark while watching Honey Boo Boo 25 to 1
being attacked by Honey Boo Boo 10 to 1
giving birth to identical triplets 6889 to 1
my husband having a vasectomy again because I gave birth to triplets 2 to 1
hitting a deer while driving 10,000 to 1
hitting a moose while driving 1 to 1(already can lay claim to that fame)
dying from a bee sting 6.1 million to 1
dying from having tantric sex with Sting 2 to 1
watching the New England Patriots win the Super bowl 20 to 1
thinking Tom Brady is too damn gorgeous for his own good 1.6 billion to 1
dying from being poisoned 30,000 to 1
dying from being poisoned by my local Taco Bell 3 to 1
dying from suffocation in bed 2 million to 1
dying from suffocation in bed due to my husband’s flatulence 50 to 1
So there you have it.
I have better chance of dying from my husband’s farts than winning 500 million dollars.
Wish me luck.
116 thoughts on “Why can’t I get struck by lightning, just once?”
You hit a moose? I would love to hear that story. Well, good luck to ya. Coming East said she was going to win it, too, so hopefully you both do. I didn’t buy a ticket because … well, you said it already.
I suppose Coming East and I could split our winnings.
Yeah, I hit a moose back in my 20s when I going about 55 mph in a tiny car. Lucky to be alive today. The moose wasn’t so lucky. But, a few hunters in the truck behind me got dibs on it. (I was so shaken up that I killed a moose, I wouldn’t hurt a fly!)
Don’t most people who win the lottery end up bankrupt and living in a van down by the river? I wonder what the odds are of that happening.
They just had a story on GMA about that. The last two that won big jackpots set up trust funds for their family and are still millionaires that contribute generously to their communities. That’s what I plan to do WHEN I win! 🙂
say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. The money’s mine. All mine, Susie, so sorry.
Philanthropy at it’s best!! I would do the exact same :}
He’s right. And just imagine how stinky the van would get, DP.
But I could buy the world’s biggest can of lysol.
But it would be a solid gold van, Steve. No, you’re right, it’s a curse to win the lottery. Okay, maybe if I win, I’ll give most of my money to the animal shelter and the children’s hospital. Save a few bucks for myself so I can take a trip to Hawaii, maybe buy a lifetime supply of chocolate, Is that so wrong?
(I still giggle at that old SNL sketch with Chris Farley….)
I am buying my tickets! I have been forking out my $2 the last couple of weeks as it has built up, but today I may splurge and buy $4 worth!
Well, I just heard that the more tickets you buy, the more money you just wasted, Susie.
(I tease….I am being serious here when I say I really did buy a ticket this morning, she asked if I wanted to ‘supersize’ it or something so my ticket was three bucks.)
I’m totally on board with you deserving this win. Especially because we’re such good friends now… right?
Those bee sting odds seem high to me.
Oh, JD, you’d be the first person I would call up on my solid gold cell phone to tell you I won and you’ll never see me again because I have to move to Dubai.
And about the bee sting, I know. I suppose my odds of dying after hyperventilating after seeing a bee inside my car while I’m driving are pretty low in comparison.
May I offer my services to fill the position of paid, sycophant bestest friend (what some refer to as the Gayle King job?)
haha! I have to say, you’d be the perfect Gayle King buddy, Pegolicious. But, I didn’t win (shocker) so can I be YOUR Gayle now? Hmm??
Lol, your husband’s flatulence………… Alright, I was gonna play (and win) today but I think you need it more. Good luck! You never know… 😀
My husband noticed I mentioned farting in my last post so I made sure to mention his farting in this one so we’re even now. I promise if I win the powerball, no more blogging or farting jokes from me.
I did a lottery post once too! Wow. We are kindred spirits. 😉
So the big question: if you do win today, will you still blog????
Ooh, you did? Us frozen-haired New Englanders always stick together.
Rachel, I would give up blogging as fast as I could zip away on my private learjet to my private island.
It’s all lies. Darla would NOT give up blogging. She’d just move around on the beach until she got a signal. If it meant blogging from a laptop while standing knee-deep in the ocean, then so be it.
Odds on that are also 50:1
Let’s hope Darla wouldn’t quit. We would miss her!
Oh, you know me pretty well! I would probably stand in the ocean and blog. It’s so sad, really.
No, it’s not sad. I selfishly want you to stand in the ocean and write your blog. And I’m not even kidding.
but it’s SO friggin’ COLD! I’d die within minutes. I’d probably blog about my dying and get stellar stats, but still.
This is a fabulous idea. Pretending to die would be great marketing. But please don’t actually do this. Your blog is a favorite of mine!
You are too kind. For you, I will continue to live.
Aw, you’re too sweet, Rachel. How about an extended vacation from blogging? Or a hiatus? Say for a few months after the holidays so I can get my sanity back?
no power ball in Canada–have to stick to 6/49
That is a bummer. Now how will you throw your money away?
we have lotteries – just nothing that goes to half a billion!
If I won, all I’d do is blog.. from a van….. in Venice….. Tokyo…..New Zealand…..
Now you’re talkin’. I’ve always wanted to be on a beach in Hawaii, sitting in a van writing blog posts. ahhh…to dream the impossible dream.
Hilarious! Maybe you should just befriend Honey Boo Boo and tell her you’ll give her all the candy she wants in exchange for her royalty checks. Your odds of making money that way are probably 1 to 1.
You have just helped me discover my life’s goal, Carly!
Hey, hold on just a minute now. I’m gonna win the jackpot.
I will win the jackpot.
I will win the jackpot.
I will win the jackpot.
(You know how Glinda the good witch says that if you say it three times it will come true? Let’s see if that works okay?)
I have been meditating on my winning all morning long. I can almost imagine what it would be like. So it must come true.
I’m gonna need to hire a security firm to come and Honey Boo Boo safe my house. I bet it’s her making pornographic graffiti on my car
One day when she’s all grown up I’m sure she’ll be doing something porn-wise.
Bwahaha! The vasectomy line made me giggle the hardest. Having triplets would make me want to have a vasectomy, too, nevermind the anatomical problems involved. 😀
haha! LOVE that comment, Deb.
(well, between you and me and a few hundred readers here….Jim already had his vasectomy and I had my hysterectomy so between those two ‘ectomies’ our odds of having another baby are zip to zilch now and I couldn’t be more content with that)
Years ago I read that Frannie LIebowitz said “I figure my chances of winning the lottery are the same whether I buy a ticket or not.” I agree. But I hedge my bets.
Sorry Darla, it’s all mine. But you can feel better knowing that I will have more time to blog. I will become one of those 14 post-a-day-ers.
God, I SOOOO wished I had read your Frannie Liebowitz quote. Dammit! I blew three dollars on my ticket. Woke up the next morning and realized:
I didn’t hit a SINGLE number. Not a one.
You still would have bought one (I did). Or you would have blamed me and Frannie if you hadn’t and therefore didn’t win. So either way, you’re screwed.
I am all for you winning the lottery!! Go Darla. Rah Rah Rah!!!
Since I have just become your biggest supporter, let’s talk about my royalty fee. It won’t be exhorbitant. A couple million will do. Peanuts to you with that huge jackpot!! Just sign right on the line next to that X. No no, don’t bother reading the fine print. That’s what you have me, your attorney, for! Now that you are all rich, you need to learn how to depend on your multitude of people to do all those mundane little tasks like reading, eating and breathing FOR you. You’re welcome.
I will expect the check to be sent to me tomorrow. Don’t make me sue.
Wait a sec—that’s right! between you and Deb, I have friends in high (lawyer-ly) places. Too bad I didn’t win a single dime. Otherwise, I would have called you right up, Misty.
Good luck on that lightning thing. And when I win the big $$, I’ll be sure to buy a gold=plated cork and send it your way so you can, you know, get a little more sleep.
Dashing out to buy the winner right now!!!!!
heehee. I am still holding out hope on the lightning thing. And the tantric sex thing with Sting.
What are the odds of me driving off a bridge because I found out you won the PowerBall?
My fingers (and Misty’s toes) are crossed for you, Dar.
Plus, I know you are a good sharer. 😉
Back away from the bridge. I managed to live up to my reputation of never winning anything, ever, Renee. You are safe now.
It’s MINE!!!! LOLOL 😉
Did ya win? Cuz someone did in Arizona. It’s ALWAYS in Arizona or Minnesota. Never Maine.
I live in Maine, too. “Nuf said! 😉
Oh! Bummer! Nothing exciting ever happens here.
No kidding! 😉
HAHAHA! If I played the lotto we would have been in the same boat… Paddeling backwards of course 🙂
and sadly I will never see my solid-gold yacht now, or even buy a pathetic little canoe….
Try Try again?
Hm, I don’t know…I’m kinda partial to my money now. Don’t want to waste more of it, especially this time of year. Maybe next time the jackpot hits half a billion…
You are so lucky to be alive after hitting a moose. Holy crap. I think you already won your lottery. Sorry. :p
Don’t I know it, Cassy. No one could believe I walked away from that crash. They said that if the moose hadn’t been female and a bit bigger/ taller, it would have gone through my windshield and I wouldn’t be sitting here typing about my husband farting in bed. I am so blessed.
You are blessed! Hence why you didn’t win the lottery. Surviving near death experiences is also why I didn’t win the lottery either. Bummer.
Wow, you, too? Yeah, I guess money doesn’t matter much if you’re not alive anymore to spend it. Really, I am very lucky.
On Thanksgiving my boyfriend and I bought several scratch offs. We have a deal that no matter what we split the winnings if they are high enough (which means I spend my part on me and he spends his part on presents for me). We ended up playing for almost an hour because we kept winning “ticket” and $2 and would go back into the 7-Eleven to turn them in to get more. We totaled something like, $74 in scratch offs….those were the non-winning tickets. We lost $10 in the end and after looking at our pile we forced ourselves to say out loud that this is how gambling addictions form and we would never do that again.
Going to also stop watching Honey Boo Boo cause those odds look bad.
I love that your boyfriend knows he will spend all his earnings on presents for you. Smart man!
I remember once a long time ago, when my husband and I were dating, we did the same thing. We kept taking our three dollars we won to buy three more tickets and kept it going for some time. After a few months we realized we made probably one dollar total. But it was fun. I’m not a gambling type of person (I do have my addictions like coffee and wine and chocolate) but gambling gets boring. Especially when all I do is lose. We went to Foxwoods once and I left after an hour of playing the slots and winning nothing.
If the public and my digestive system found it appropriate to mix coffee, wine and chocolate it’d be all I would eat.
I have too short of an attention span to go casinos. I would place a bet then get distracted by something with sequins or fancy drinks like Tequila Sunrises.
Tell me about it. My doctor once told me to cut down on red wine, chocolate and coffee to stop my migraines. I wisely chose to keep having migraines.
By the way, I just visited your blog early this morning and read through almost every post. Love your writing and love your blog!
Oh, I do love New England Humor!!
I hope you enjoy your diamond encrusted sunscreen; you deserve it!
Alas, having George Clooney rub my back with diamonds was not meant to be. (I can’t believe I just used the word ‘alas’ but it seems so appropriate here, better than %$&&*#&!)
My friend won the lottery once. His wife asked him what they were going to do about the begging letters. he told her to keep writing them!
Good Luck. 🙂
Haha! Love that. Thanks for the luck, Bill but I didn’t get a single number. Typical.
Darla while sipping gold-flecked champagne out of a solid gold glass, do not forget there is a young man live in another part of world has been praying for your win. And it’s only because of his prayers, you have that solid gold glass in your hand. 🙂
Well, I never win anything and this time around, I didn’t disappoint.
I wish you all the best of luck! For I’m so definite that you’d win ‘coz I think God must have love you much more since you got away safely from so much ordeal…thanked God for that girl!
~ a bunch of love
If it comes right down to it, I suppose not being killed by a moose flying through my windshield is better than 500 million dollars.
Giggling. Sting eh? And as far as Tom Brady–word!
Word! The Pats are playing this Sunday at 1 pm and I have my beer chillin’ in the fridge. I’m ready to see if Brady is too damn gorgeous for his own good yet.
My coworkers and I have brought 20 tickets so that increases our chances to 174 million to one. The only reason I’m playing is I didn’t want to get left behind if they won. That would suck.
OH god, can you imagine? That would definitely happen to me. All my co-workers would be telling the boss to go to hell and they’d all take a one-way cruise to Aruba, yet I’d have to drag my butt back into work the next day.
You’re outta luck, sister. My 14 coworkers and I are winning it. And then we’re buying a moose, taking it to your street and camouflaging it in time for you to come down the road. But I’ll cover your medical bills.
Haha! I swear, for years after my accident, I didn’t hear the end of the moose jokes. My brother was classic. He said, “Why did you hit it? Didn’t you see it in the road?”
Um, no. No, I didn’t see it in the road. It was nighttime,and for some odd reason, the moose decided not to wear her fluorescent orange vest and hunter’s hat.
When I was a kid, each of the girls in my city’s girl scouts troops released a helium balloon into the atmosphere with a note asking to call or write if the balloon was found. What are the odds that mine was the only one found, discovered in a cornfield by a farmer 100 miles away? What are the odds that the rest of the balloons killed off some robbins and a school of fish?
I’m feeling lucky now. Because I know you’ll share your winnings with me.
Seriously? Killing off some innocent birds, I can totally see you doing that, but a farmer really found your balloon?
Truly. I’m one in a million, you knew that.
….really?? did this make your local news? I wouldn’t be surprised. You have that celebrity quality about you. I am still waiting for your life to become a reality show. Just remember me, k?
Did you write a blog post yet?!
I just now clicked on the cute little “publish” box. How’d you know?
You have it!
Is this post about those tender moments spent discussing douching with your mother?
Well, okay, it seems a bit … ODD … but, if you want, good luck with your husband’s gas. 😀
That’s NOT what I was supposed to wish you luck for?
Um.. Good luck with that tantric sex with Sting? 😉
The best part of this post was, I read it aloud to my husband last night and he thought it was hilarious, especially his farting. He just doesn’t care what I blog about anymore. (I think he’s probably more sick to death of me talking about my blogging…)
I would wish you luck, but since I’ve actually already bought the winning ticket I feel like I’d be lying, and I only lie to my mom.
LOVE the list though.
Ooh! Did you win, Stacie? Are you in Arizona? You can tell me. I swear I won’t tell anyone!
$500 million? my goodness that’s a nice amount. You could afford to buy a nice piece of land in the Caribbean so all your blogging buddies could lay on the beach with you… I’ll bring the little umbrellas for the drinks.
And I would totally do that, Rosie. Definitely. You guys have kept me sane all these years, what with all the rambling and nonsense I write about. And still, you all put up with it. That deserves a little drink with an umbrella.
Hey Darla, so when do we go? Do we have a winner yet?
Well, I thought I had some good numbers there, Rosie (most of them ended in four, my ‘lucky’ number) and I woke up the next day, checked and I didn’t get one single number right. Typical. So, you’ll have to wait on the little umbrella drinks for now.
Hey, my brothers girlfriend hunts deer with her car. He has had to have the frontend realigned three times that I know of.
Yikes! I’ve had a close encounter with a deer, too. It was the freakiest thing: I was driving around a corner when I caught a glimpse of a deer bolt out of the woods. It almost hit my car, then thought better of it, made a sharp turn and actually clipped the side-view mirror. He even ran a bit alongside my car before bolting back into the woods. (and the whole time I was in my car screaming AHH!!! HOLY SHIT!!!) Maine just has too many damned wild animals.
You don’t understand, she does it on purpose. When she kills them she stops and picks them up throws them in the trunk and takes them home. Once she took one to the restaurant she and my brother owned, dressed it and served it. I think that is why they lost the place.
Oh! Holy crap! But I’m not surprised. I didn’t tell my whole moose story.
So, I hit the moose, but didn’t kill it instantly. Oh no. It lay on the side of the road in agony. As luck would have it, there was a pickup truck following behind me when it happened. Two hunters got out and begged the cops to let them keep the moose meat. So then they shot it after I gave them permission. Apparently, it’s a little-known rule you get to keep the carcass of the animal you kill in Maine. Who knew?
Jeez, woman, keep your voice down! I’m surrounded by stuffed m-words, and they’re all staring at my laptop VERY suspiciously! Please – in the future, if you relate this story, PLEASE don’t use the m-word! (It’s not so much all the m-words, it’s the teddy bears they have a mutual defence pact with. And me and my stuffy dogs are DEFINITELY outnumbered! 😉 )
I have to go to work this morning. I am. Very. Sad.
Sigh. Me and you both, Jean. It’s just not right.
finding out Honey Boo Boo is in rehab at the age of 18…nah, even money
God, you’re right. what was I thinking?? I would say it’s a safe bet.
I was struck by lightning once and almost struck another time (that ball of lightning missed me by seconds and inches). I bought two tickets and didn’t win so I’m like zero for four!
I hit the jackpot on the 10,000 to 1 chance of hitting a deer while driving. We were living in Central New York at the time. It almost happened again within the past month while I was driving in Florida.
As far as Powerball and the rest, my folks lived in Vegas. The odds are always in the house’s favor. You’d be better off socking away all the loot you planned to spend on lottery tickets and saving the cash for a rainy day.
(I didn’t see your name in the papers. So I’m guessing you didn’t win. Sorry.)
No, I did not win, Judy. Shocker of shockers, I know. Thanks for your pity. I have loads more pity now that I’m still flat broke. Sigh.
My friend calls lotto tickets “Idiot Tax”, but every now and again, I’ll buy a ticket. If I ever win millions of dollars, I’d say that’s a pretty sweet Idiot Tax Return. 🙂
A MOOSE? Would love to hear that story. Hope you were driving an H2 or something or the moose probably won.
50-to-1 huh? Impressive.
A man that I grew up across the street from won the lotto. TWICE. They were both biggies too. The first was like $7 million, and he didn’t plan at all, spent it in a couple of years, and was forced to go back to work (from retirement). The 2nd time ($20 million), he hired a lawyer, did it all right, and went back into retirement. I still am scratching my head wondering how ANYONE can spend more than $3 million (his earnings) in as many years and not be a government entity.
Ah. Just read your moose story. Yep. That scenario could have been Texas (rednecks in vehicle waiting to dispatch wounded animal for zero-work sustenance). A moose would feed a family for more than a year!
Exactly! A moose around these heyah pahts would fatten up a family of five forever, ayuh!
I cannot BELIEVE some guy won the lottery TWICE. Must be meant to be. And I am meant to never win the lottery. Sigh.
Never say never. 🙂
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