Perhaps you’ve heard about today’s Powerball jackpot, the largest in the history of wasting your hard-earned money for something that will never happen. I am writing this post to let you all know a few facts: it is over 500 million and I am going to win it.
Oh, yes, I am. I bought my ticket this morning, so don’t even bother wasting your two dollars.
But I promise, when I win, I will remember all you little people while I’m sipping gold-flecked champagne out of a solid gold glass and sunning on my solid gold yacht floating somewhere in the Riviera while George Clooney massages my back with diamond-encrusted sunscreen.
Still as much as I know these dreams of mine will come true soon enough, I get a little peeved when I switch on the radio or watch the news and they all start babbling on and on about the astronomical odds of winning. Then to really twist the knife in my heart, they mention all the other things more likely to happen to you in your life. So I’ve devised my own list of odds.
MY ODDS OF:
winning the Powerball 175 million to 1
getting struck by lightning 10,000 to 1
getting struck by lightning while watching Honey Boo Boo 20 to 1
finding out Honey Boo Boo is in rehab at the age of 18 5 to 1
hitting a hole in one on three consecutive par-3 holes 156 million to 1
hitting a triple bogey because I suck at golf 2 to 1
being attacked by a shark 11.5 million to 1
being attacked by a shark while watching Honey Boo Boo 25 to 1
being attacked by Honey Boo Boo 10 to 1
giving birth to identical triplets 6889 to 1
my husband having a vasectomy again because I gave birth to triplets 2 to 1
hitting a deer while driving 10,000 to 1
hitting a moose while driving 1 to 1(already can lay claim to that fame)
dying from a bee sting 6.1 million to 1
dying from having tantric sex with Sting 2 to 1
watching the New England Patriots win the Super bowl 20 to 1
thinking Tom Brady is too damn gorgeous for his own good 1.6 billion to 1
dying from being poisoned 30,000 to 1
dying from being poisoned by my local Taco Bell 3 to 1
dying from suffocation in bed 2 million to 1
dying from suffocation in bed due to my husband’s flatulence 50 to 1
So there you have it.
I have better chance of dying from my husband’s farts than winning 500 million dollars.
Wish me luck.