Many cold winter nights, I toss and turn, sleep as elusive as my dreams of ever having a family Christmas party where no one gets drunk, then fights over the Mayan calendar or who gets to take home Aunt Edna’s hard-as-a-hockey-puck fruitcake. (Something tells me the end of the world and digesting Aunt Edna’s fruitcake are closely linked.)
Still, as bleak as the holidays get, my heart is full of hope. Hope that one day my block-of-ice feet might be warmed by the coolest thing ever created by sheer ingenuity and a steam iron:
The Go Jules Go and The Byronic Man custom-made queen-sized sheet sets!
That’s right. Two of our favorite bloggers are currently running the Holy Sheet Giveaway, where you can win the chance to drool all over their face/chipmunk’s face/pillowcase every night.
Check out their spectacular videos here and here. Really, go watch them, they make my vlogs look, well…stupid. (Don’t tell me that’s not that hard to do, I know that.)
After that, all you have to do is enter your version of a ‘real’ holiday card. Because nothing says peace on earth more than blatant bitterness.
C’mon, do it! It’s easy!
Even I did it! I crafted my own version of Christmas below. And I am far from tech-savvy. Once I thought I was surfin’ the net on my smart phone and it took a full five minutes before I realized I was holding our garage door opener.
In other news, I’d like to leave you with a little more holiday cheer in the form of yet another vlog.
In vlogs past, I’ve twirled a baton for you.
I’ve sipped coffee you.
And this time, I sing for you.
That’s right.
I know I’m no Mariah Carey. Or even Jimmy Fallon. But just humor me, OK?
WARNING: mild profanity is sprinkled throughout (I get a wee bit bitchy this time of year, don’t know why)
Enjoy and catch ya later next year…..
…..if the Mayans are wrong! Haha! Oh, I kill me! It’s funny because it’s not gonna happen! So we can poke fun! Right? Right?! (fingers crossed!)
She's A Maineiac 
you are a crazy girl and because I loved this so much I am asking you to either provide a link to this vlog the night of my virtual Christmas party on the 15th or make a special one for the party–if you are interested I will give you more details. I look forward to every one of your blogs and vlogs–Merry, merry
I am absolutely interested! please, feel free to provide a link. That is so nice of you. I would love to make a special one for the party, too, but I am not sure I’d have the time to do it justice over the next few hectic weeks.
if you cannot do one just for the party–this one would be perfect–so the night of the party–come on over and provide a link. (I would do it but I do not know how cause I am super stupid in this department).
Will do, Well, I’ll try, I’m not that good at this linky-techy computer stuff, either.
Nice one. Your voice isn’t half bad.
I was in India for over a month, and I missed a bunch of things—Halloween, gaining an hour, the election, and Thanksgiving. But I’m glad I celebrated Diwali in India, and I’m glad to be back before Christmas. I hope to hell it snows hard in NYC this time. (This global warming thing gets old.)
Happy Holidays!
Lucky you. I wish I could have missed most of the past month. It is odd we have zero snow or ice on the ground here in Maine this time of year. I really want a white Christmas, especially for my kids who LOVE to go sledding. Happy Holidays to you as well!
I’ve never been more eager to drop everything in my oh-so-exciting-and-important-work-life to see a blog post (ahem)!!!
DP. DP. DP. The card!!! Let’s start there. Holy chipmunks. I think I might have to hand over my throne! And there’s BOOZE on it. Oh. Life is good.
Your ‘garage door opener’ line made me snort, as did “this shit never ends.”
Your voice is so pretty! Adding the lyrics was a nice touch, too. Also please consider giving me your hair for Christmas. And your elf hat. And whatever’s in your mug. Bonus points in the contest if you do!! Not that you need them. This was epic.
You are America’s Bloggy Sweetheart.
Yeah….what Jules said! Darlbumble, you is all that and a bag of chestnuts-roasting-on-an-open-fire-chips! Who knew you had such mad skills? Singing??? Vlogging??? Playing that synthesizery-thingy at the end??? Breck Girl hair???? OK, we knew about that part. If you wake up one morning and your head has been shaved, remember that I don’t live anywhere near Maine.
Damn You Dar-Kringle. You got all the talent and beautiful hair. Life is just not fair. Not fair, I say. I am commencing to drinking heavily now.
(psst. Peg. Road trip?)
I have a feeling this Breck-Girl-hair-while-playing-the-synthesizer-badly might help me go far in life one day, Peggles.
And, maybe I will shave it all off. Britney Spears did it once and look how she ended up.
Road trip? Yes, please come to Maine, Katy. Just a warning: Mr. Skittles sleeps in a cozy little dog bed right next to my bed and I’ve trained him to bite intruders.
Yup. I need a road trip. Meet you around Virginia, Katy?
You know what might be even better? We can all go down south where’s it’s warmer! Yeah! To Katy’s! We can raid her fridge and watch old movies! I’ll bring the booze, Peg you bring the desserts.
Deal! Give me one night to whip up a batch of my world-famous brownies (NOT that kind – jeesh) and I’ll meet YOU in Virginia. What kind of booze?
Katy, take the top layer of dog hair off the sofa bed – here we come!
Yeah, Come on down…wait until after the holidays, though…I’ll be north (I think). But about the end of January (my birthday, incidentally) would be a great time to escape the hideousness of the frozen northland.
I was thinking about tomorrow. What, are you saying that won’t work for you? Darloliday Inn and I want to go to class with you and crack jokes and throw spitballs from the back row.
Come on down…
Darlioliday Inn–you are on fire lately, Pegarriott! (see, what I tried to do there? with Marriott? No? yeah, I suck at nicknames)
There is nothing that would warm my soul more than visiting professor k8edid’s class and passing notes with you in the back of class. We could ditch halfway through and go smoke in the girls’ bathroom! And I don’t even smoke! It’ll be a blast.
I figured there was no way I could go wrong with booze, Gangnam Style and fruit cake, JD.
No, you can’t have my hair. Sorry.
Actually, on second thought, I do want to chop it all off, it’s such a royal pain in the ass to take care of….so frizzy and unmanageable hm….maybe there will be something extra in your Christmas card this year, Julesy-Drawers!
P.S. – DP! My emails have not all been going through to you! Is your inbox full by any chance?
It says: your mail server as been “unreachable for too long.”
It says “DP, phone home!”
How odd. My inbox full?? Puhlease. Never happens.
Oh man, Darlfestivus. A double entry?? That just isn’t fair. And both were oh so epic!! I feel as if I should just throw in the towel, now. I mean, you already schooled me on Renee’s contest as well. What chance does a lowly ninja have, I ask you? 😦
Oh Ninja Snaps. That randy Buddy the elf is just dying to show himself in a ‘real’ Christmas card.
WORDPRESSURE!
Pressure is right. I have absolutely no, friggin idea for that contest. What to do??
Oh, no, Misty. You HAVE to enter it now. I know you can top this with your mad ninja skills. And Renee’s contest? well, I made the mistake of putting mine up there so early. Now anyone else can just come along and make theirs a mere one word longer than mine and Boom! they won. I’m sure mine has already been left in the dust. I’m not bitter or anything. Oh no.
This is better than great. You hit on all of what we love and hate about blogging in one little song. We love you too Darla! I sang the chorus with you! Have the merriest of Christmases, Hanukkas, Quanzas and Festivuses!
Sorry Jules didn’t comment on your comment Susie. Bet you feel kinda like everybody else in the class was invited to the birthday party and you weren’t, right?
Geez! Did she skip right over me? Wow. I should just sit in the back of the room and not make a peep next time….
oh, you are GOOD, Peggles. Did I ever tell you how much I’ve missed you lately?
That’s because Susie doesn’t need WordPressure. Can’t you feel her self-assurance bouncing off the screen? Don’t you just hate her?
Nope. Can’t even type that last line with a straight face.
I know, that song says it all. Well, it says how I feel about blogging. Such an addiction! Thanks, Susie.
I think epic is the perfect word. As IF the card wasn’t enough, the VIDEO, man… The lyrics were genius. And who knew, you can actually sing! You’re just too cool. Everyone else should just quit now, there’s no way they can win.
Lilykins…don’t be shy…
Yes, DP, I’m stalking your comments just to WordPressure people for my own personal gain.
The problem is that you’re such an inspiration, and so hospitable, and did I mention I really love you?
I’m stalking you stalking the comments.
Please, don’t let me stop you from commenting, JD. I would NEVER do that. I live for this shizzle.
Oh, trust me, you guys can do MUCH better than this, Lily! WordPressure!! C’mon! Do it! It’s fun! The video shouldn’t really be considered because I didn’t make it specifically for this contest. And the card is just me in a dorky elf hat and some wine….although that Gangnam Style song IS certainly mesmerizing. I know, you can do a vlog of yourself singing Gangnam Style!
I do not blog (or vlog), but I am so highly amused by this video that now I will never start. Oh, wait. Is that bad? haha! You have a great voice, Darla! Now, please send down whatever it was that you were drinking because I need some. =)
haha! Oh yeah. Blogging is so much fun, but it’s really addicting. Like drinking wine. Or eating too much chocolate. You can’t stop yourself. Then you get a raging migraine and start weeping only to wake up and do it all over again. So, it’s all good, Kim!
And you are more than welcome to what I’m drinking, although it might be too hot down there in Florida. I was drinking a cup of hot oolong tea.
You totally rock Darla! I love your version of this seasonal favorite and your courage to sing a cappella over the internet, not to mention the hand motions and facial expressions. Kudos to you and Merry Everything. Love ya right back!
Thank you, Renee. You’ve no idea how much caution I had to throw to the wind to sing on here. I haven’t sung in so long! And a cappella especially. I think the facial expressions and probably the air guitar I could have held back on though… Happy holidays to you and yours!
That. Was. Awesome. Your lyrics were so hilarious and so true! Good job on the singing too 🙂 Loved this vlog!
Thank you so much, Dounia. I’m relieved you liked it.
That was pretty OK.
Oh, dear, sweet, lovely Pegolegoliciousness. I can’t wait to see your Paint skillz at work in your entry.
Dang, girl, you’re GOOD! Trust me, I’ve heard a LOT worse!
Do my own Christmas Card? Um ..no. Sorry, I inflict enough pain on my friends just making my comments on their blogs. No WAY I’m gonna invade your snail-mail boxes! 😀
And a Happy/Merry/Festive/Joyous/Add-your-adjective-here Fill-in-the-blank! Don’t get TOO drunk, okay? 😉
Oh, but they will accept even comments, John. Yep. I know you’re good at those!
I won’t get too drunk, trust me. I was drinking tea in my video. Yep, that is my stone cold sober natural-state. Scary, huh.
I tell ya, you sober beats the HECK outta me drunk, any day of the week AND twice on Sunday!
A comment Christmas card? Some kinda silly routine like “You realise that Columbus Rapid Transit is like Christmas? No “El”.”? Who’d wanna hear stuff like that? 😉
So you’re naked too? Er … I mean … you have no snow either? Over 50 degrees and drizzle for the next 4-5 days here. “Have yourself a muddy little Christmas, make the Yuletide … kinda yellow-grey.” See, it just don’t scan! 😀
I don’t know, John. Those were pretty good. I give them a quadruple groan.
That’s was awesome!! I was a little disappointed at first that you weren’t going to be playing the piano like I’ve been asking you to do, but once I heard the song I cheered right up. “This shit never ends”!!! LOL, I could have written that myself. Anyone way, loved your song, really made me smile and you have a great voice! Merry Christmas and all that other stuff to you too.
Well, your singing and guitar videos really inspired me (I’m not NEARLY as good as you, but still, I got over my fear) so thank you for that. I will do a video of my piano playing one day. Which is really MUCH better than I let on with my little Jingle Bells song. The main reason I didn’t play the piano with this one is I had no sheet music AND I can’t sing and play at the same time. ha!
Darla, that was fabulous! All of what everyone above has already said – made me smile after a few weeks of torture and hell. Now to commence with the Christmasing stuff.
Still haven’t posted in a very long time. Maybe over the holidays I’ll get something spiffy pulled together!
Again, very cool, you are so talented. You and my sister Peg. Envy! Sigh…
Merry Christmas to you!!!
Now reading that makes me smile. I have missed both you and your sister SO much lately! I understand though. So sorry you’re having a hard time. Lately, I’ve been slacking in my blogging reading and commenting. Maybe after the holiday’s craziness is over, I’ll see you around more?? Hmmm??? Have yourself a merry little Christmas, Tar.
I’ve puked on my Aunt’s lap but never, ever the punch bowl. Brilliant card 🙂
It’s certainly the most disgusting holiday card ever written.
Please do not think I’m mocking. Your singing voice is really awesome. Your elf hat…um….that is something else.
You’re not mocking? I don’t believe you. Things wouldn’t be right with the world! Seriously, thanks.
The elf hat looks way cuter on my six year old.
Love the card. It really put my in the holiday mood, and by that I mean thirsty for nog.
It’s what the holidays have always meant to me growing up in a dysfunctional family unit. (like most people apparently)
I didn’t get to watch the whole video, but I’m mighty glad I watched a little of it, because I’m shutting down the computer with a smile on my face. Thanks for that.
Now maybe, just maybe, the fact I’m leaving this comment will lure me back, by reminder of subsequent comments, for the rest of the video . . .
Well, if I can be so bold as to say the video gets a bit better towards the end where I make a complete fool of myself. I wanted to go out this bloggy year with a whimper.
Respect! *fist bump*
There would have to be something besides coffee in that mug to get me to sing in a vlog.
PS – Will you take a photo of the chipmunk sheet set on your bed?
Happy Festivus!
Jackie, the strange thing is, it took zero alcohol to get me to sing for you guys. What the hell is wrong with me? Have I completely given up on maintaining my ultra-cool wordpress image?
The best part of this are the faces you made while my computer was buffering. 😉 No seriously, you are the queen! And you mentioned the sheets! You are totally going to win those suckers. 😉 Merry Christmas, Dar!
Yeah, my face can be quite entertaining.
Did you enter yet, Renee? Because if you did, I’ll just go on record now as saying congrats to you. Why? You. Win. Everything.
I’ve been waiting a long time for some Christmas spirit to come into my life – and lo and behold – your VLOG! And the mug of Christmas spirit! Nice ploy of using the Christmas tree to hide the shoes in the hallway, by the way. Darla, you are a cross between Lucille Ball and Phyllis Diller – you need to take this act on the road. If not, please don’t ever stop blogging. You are a delight.
Ah, so you caught the real reason I put that Christmas tree up–to hide my clown shoes.
A cross between Lucille Ball and Phyllis Diller? you are too kind to me, thanks! I hope you have a merry Christmas, Jean!
Awesome stuff, Darla. The moment that video ended, there was a smile on my face. One thing I realized after visiting your blog a lot of time that, nothing is impossible for you. 🙂
Except maybe playing the piano without messing up? 😉 Thanks, Arindam. And a huge congrats again on your published book!
A big thank you Darla. I thought you are not aware of my book. 🙂 I am glad you to hear that you know this. And if you want to do a review of my book, then I will send you a book. I know it’s festive season over there and you must be busy. So it’s fine if you find yourself too much busy for this.
Little by little, you’ve taken a basic blog and turned it into a variety show that displays your seemingly endless talents. I’m sure someday there will be a reality TV series about a singing nurse, and you’ll finally be a household name (in other people’s households, I mean). For what it’s worth, I think you sing at least as well as Mariah Carey, and you’re funnier than Jimmy Fallon.
Merry Christmas, Darla. I can’t wait to see what you come up with in the new year. But no pressure.
Charles, you have always been so supportive of me from day one when I had two followers. And you come up with brilliant ideas. Thank you! I would think a reality show about a singing nurse would be a smashing success. Well…a girl can dream, right?
A very Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Darla, your versatility continues to amaze me. Step aside Mariah Carey and Jimmy Fallon. Even the Abominable Snowman at the end of your vid looks dumstruck and supremely touched by your heartwarming performance.
Merry Christmas.
Haha! yes, that is my absolute favorite Christmas ornament from my fave show. I used to love the Abominable Snowman as a kid and still do. My own kids loved that part of my video the most. The part where I was singing? my son just rolled his eyes and shook his head. Can’t blame him. Merry Christmas to you too, Judy!
Gad, versatile talented and what…oh I am green just green with envy. You rock
Thanks, Val, I try to rock. It can be quite painful at my age now though. Hope your family has a great holiday. I LOVED your post today, by the way. Just what I needed to read at the right time.
Darla, or Darla. YOu singing wonder of a blogger. A little more ‘nog and you’d have benn pole dancing to that tune. Wonderful as always and my your funny bone keep tingling all the way into the new year. May all your Christmases be plaid.
how did I miss this comment, Barb? You leave the best comments. I hope my Christmases are plaid for sure. and you have the most merry of holidays, too, y’hear?
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You are adorable!
why thank you, kindly! Can I put that on my resume?
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My favorite part was the YEAH!!! Great job.
Ha! definitely the best part because it was so unexpected. I just let the spirit move me and well…my inner dork came bustin’ out full force there.
It’s outstanding. Such passion. Such intensity.
What can I say? It comes so easily to me to make a total fool of myself. it’s a gift, really. A gift and a curse. More like a curse.
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How can anyone not be happy watching you sing? Cheers! And down the hatch. *gulp*
It was fun. I’ll never do it again, but it was fun!
Perhaps you and Jules could do a duo. That would be truly something.
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Loved the song, Darla. You’re a true artist. Bob