Top Fifteen Signs You’re Old

A recent photo of me, in one of my better moods.

You know you’re old when…

15) You’re about 15 minutes into a long drive in your car when you suddenly realize you don’t remember where you’re going or why.

Hmm….maybe after a few more miles it’ll come to me…

14) You hear a current pop song on the car radio that in the past, you’d hate with every fiber of your being, but now find yourself not only liking it, but turning it up because “it has a good beat.”

“Ooh! Maroon 5! YES! I’m on a paaaayphone trying to call hoooooome….”

Younguns these days! With their scruffy faces and their tattoos! Put on a real shirt! Quit slouching! Get a haircut! Get a real job!
Criminy! Kids these days! With their scruffy faces and their tattoos! Put on a real shirt! Quit slouching! Get a haircut! Get a real job!

13) You find yourself muttering things like, “Dang! They sure don’t make cell phones like they used to!” or “Back in my day, we used to have to WAIT for Internet dial-up connection.”

Man, we had it so hard back then, didn’t we? And is it just me, or does hearing that sound give you the creeps? (shudders)

12) Moving around is overrated. Getting up from the couch is a major ordeal involving moaning, groaning, and whining things like, “Oh god, this shit hurts!” Then halfway through getting up you think, “aw, the hell with it”  and sit back down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I suppose I should get up at some point today..but for now..CAKE!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I suppose I SHOULD get up at some point today..but for now..CAKE!

11) While shopping at Target, you hear an old lady loudly humming to herself like a crazy person only to realize it’s coming from you.

10) While shopping at Walmart, you find yourself having an intriguing discussion with the elderly clerk about bunions, arthritis and how the country is going to hell in a hand basket.

9) Having a good bowel movement makes your day.

8) You openly discuss bowel movements in public, say for instance, on a blog while you’re making lists.

7) You find America’s Funniest Videos hysterical. Especially the ‘baseball bat-to-the-nuts’ ones.

Oh, god! That was funny! The poor man! Let’s see another one! This time at 80 mph!

6) You’re the only one left on the planet who still reads a newspaper. And when you do, you skip straight to the weather and obituary sections because let’s face it–impending death and possible snow are your only concerns now.

5) When buying wine, you’re flattered the clerk asked for your ID , only to hear her snap her gum, snicker and say, “Well,  ma’am, it’s only because they make us card anyone that looks 50 or younger, ma’am. And we can’t accept your AAA card as payment. Do you need assistance bringing your groceries out to your car? I SAID, MA’AM! DO YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR BAGS?”

4) You can’t eat spicy things past a certain time or you’ll be paying for it all night.

Dagnabit! Why did I have that piece of dry toast and glass of water? And after 5 pm! What the hell was I thinking?! This heartburn is a bitch!

3) You wake up with an incredible hangover, yet all you drank the night before was a tall frosty glass of orange-flavored Metamucil with a NyQuil chaser.

2) You manage to throw out your back because you sighed too heavily.

…and the number one sign you’re an old fart…

1) Your response to anything that anyone ever says is, “What?!”
followed almost immediately by,
“Oh yeah? Well, who gives a shit!”

When did you realize you’re older than dirt? 

51 thoughts on “Top Fifteen Signs You’re Old

    1. Bwah ha haaaa!
      At least you can still multi-task?

      The other day I was turning my head to say something to my husband and I pulled my neck. It was this excrutiating blinding pain. Now we just communicate while staring straight ahead.

  1. Pretty much most of these things describe the old man living in my basement. I figure it’s 5-10 years TOPS, before it also describes the old man sleeping in my bed. I, on the other hand, will never age or become annoying and frustrating to my children. I will remain a youthful goddess forever with all my working parts and a healthy glow. DON’T TRY TO CRUSH MY DREAMS, DARLA. Ahem.

  2. It’s a testament to how funny you are that I was able to force myself to keep reading past that picture of Adam Levine. Oh, Adam. Adam Adam Adam. DP, you need to go get the latest album(“Overexposed”) and listen to it EVERYWHERE. Like me. I am obsessed. It is amazing. And dude. They are legit mad talented. Why do people hate?

    To answer your question, I realized I was old when I used the phrase “legit mad talented.” Also when I heard that dial-up sound. And when I forgot my lap top on Wednesday. And my lunch today. And I hum now, too. Jeezum Crow. We’re in trouble, DP. I’m in it to win it, though. Until my teeth start falling out. I don’t think I can handle that.

  3. I’m not sure when I first realized I’m older than dirt. But I sure felt old last night when I took the kid to skate night at our local roller rink (no ice skating in this county), and there was no way in hell I was going to get out there and risk falling. I would have broken something for sure. And with all those kids out there (it was an event with 3 local elementary schools), if I had to stop suddenly, there was no way I could, and I would have fallen and broken something for sure.

    Love the dial up sounds, btw. And love it even more that I finally got cable internet out here in the boonies about 2, maybe 3 years back.

  4. I was just thinking about how old I am this week. It happened when I was looking through a list of celebrity photos at the People’s Choice Awards online. I didn’t know who 75% of them were–and they all looked like babies. Then I was like, “Wait. Where’s Britney? Why isn’t she performing?”

    And I don’t know any pop songs. None. I’m happiest when playing Counting Crows radio on Pandora. If Long December plays, I’m all, “This is my JAM.”

    Also, I dress for comfort now. Getting dressed up means putting on a pair of jeans. Jeans are so uncomfortable!!!

    So yeah, I’m old.

    1. Yeah, you know you’re old when jeans aren’t comfy enough. I used to dress up and wear jeans, now yoga pants are my everyday outfit. And I don’t care what I look like at all anymore. It’s really sad. But then, it’s freeing, too.

  5. You know what they say, “if it’s too loud, you’re too old.”
    Yeah, well, I’m too old, so turn that @#*& down.

    Also my main goal in the day is to get to the point where I can just lie down.

      1. – then you’d be pleased to switch places with me 🙂 My sofa is only three hobbles, two groans and one stumble away from my ‘working chair’, where I sit and stare at the TV and computer simutaneously (middle aged multi-tasking, thankyouverymuch). Everything else is measured too, to help me decide if the effort expended is really worth the payoff:

          1. have you considered placing it on a rolling cart, then attatching a long rope? That way you could just pull it towards you and the couch whenever the need arose…but of course, that opens up the whole problem of raising your arm. Grr.

          2. Brilliant. ooh! I know! More ropes! I could attach a rope to my arm, and create a complicated series of other ropes and a pully system so that whenever I sigh hard enough, my hand would lift and pull the cart rope.

    1. You mean to tell me you don’t think a good BM can make your day? Or you don’t talk about it in public yet? That’s smart. I suppose I do that because I’m hanging out with my elderly mom WAY too much.

  6. Hi,
    Hmmm lets see, Newspapers yes, Weather yes, Back in my day yes, not looking good for me, but really I am only in my 20’s, and I never look in the mirror. 😀
    Great post.

  7. Well, the first time I threw my back out i was in high school, so that was a bad sign. More recently… when I went roller skating for my sister’s 30th birthday and hurt a muscle I didn’t know I had… and when I put up my Christmas lights and was stubbornly insistent on doing it even though I was fairly clinging to the front of my house like Spider-Man (only far, far less agile)… and when I squat to pick things up, praying my knees won’t give out because my back’s already shot… when I realized I had six doctor’s appointments in two weeks… frankly, any number of things I do in a day make me think I look exactly like my 61-year-old father. And I’m 35. There was another one, but I forget what it was. I just had it…

    1. Yes! it’s amazing how you can injure muscles in your body you didn’t even know existed. This happens when I try to do something crazy with the kids like sledding. Or walking. And I know I don’t need to say this but, you’re only 35, just wait until 40. It’s like all your muscles and bones decide altogether to abandon you.

  8. I have to tell you, I’m feeling much better about myself because I’m NOT a newspaper reader. I cancelled my subscription a year or so ago. It was too damn hard and it hurt to much to get off the couch and go get it! 🙂

  9. Kids nowadays…I never thought I’d hear those words coming out of my mouth, but they do. All the time. But that has less to do with ME becoming an old fart and everything to do with everything being slutty and newfangled nowadays. Anyone seen my teeth?

  10. That dial-up noise, it really creates a visceral reaction in me. Kids today have NO idea. I realized I was an old bat when I started thinking of midnight as late. It used to be that I’d look at the clock and say, “Only midnight? Awesome, I’ve still got a few hours, the night is still pretty young.” Now I say, “Shit, it’s almost eleven o’clock.” And #12 on your list really resonates with me. I can’t get up without something hurting or cracking, or without me swearing. We’re too old for this moving shit.

  11. Maria S

    I was very happy to read that I’m not the only one who wonders where she’s going! My incidents are not often road related, but I ought to count the number of times I go into Target and realize I haven’t the faintest idea what my unstated goal was. So I wonder around, figuring it’s sure to come to me sometime in the hour that I’m likely to spend in the aisles. More often than I’d like to admit, I never do remember what I had come there for, not until I’m well on my way home!

    1. Maria, it’s happening to me more and more. It can be a bit unsettling, to be driving and you drive on past the place you were supposed to turn. For a few minutes, you have no clue where you were going. I am terrible at that. Of course, I just walk into my kitchen and stand there trying to remember what I went in there for!

  12. Pingback: Wordless One & Done | JM Randolph, accidentalstepmom

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