You know you’re old when…
15) You’re about 15 minutes into a long drive in your car when you suddenly realize you don’t remember where you’re going or why.
Hmm….maybe after a few more miles it’ll come to me…
14) You hear a current pop song on the car radio that in the past, you’d hate with every fiber of your being, but now find yourself not only liking it, but turning it up because “it has a good beat.”
“Ooh! Maroon 5! YES! I’m on a paaaayphone trying to call hoooooome….”
13) You find yourself muttering things like, “Dang! They sure don’t make cell phones like they used to!” or “Back in my day, we used to have to WAIT for Internet dial-up connection.”
Man, we had it so hard back then, didn’t we? And is it just me, or does hearing that sound give you the creeps? (shudders)
12) Moving around is overrated. Getting up from the couch is a major ordeal involving moaning, groaning, and whining things like, “Oh god, this shit hurts!” Then halfway through getting up you think, “aw, the hell with it” and sit back down.
11) While shopping at Target, you hear an old lady loudly humming to herself like a crazy person only to realize it’s coming from you.
10) While shopping at Walmart, you find yourself having an intriguing discussion with the elderly clerk about bunions, arthritis and how the country is going to hell in a hand basket.
9) Having a good bowel movement makes your day.
8) You openly discuss bowel movements in public, say for instance, on a blog while you’re making lists.
7) You find America’s Funniest Videos hysterical. Especially the ‘baseball bat-to-the-nuts’ ones.
Oh, god! That was funny! The poor man! Let’s see another one! This time at 80 mph!
6) You’re the only one left on the planet who still reads a newspaper. And when you do, you skip straight to the weather and obituary sections because let’s face it–impending death and possible snow are your only concerns now.
5) When buying wine, you’re flattered the clerk asked for your ID , only to hear her snap her gum, snicker and say, “Well, ma’am, it’s only because they make us card anyone that looks 50 or younger, ma’am. And we can’t accept your AAA card as payment. Do you need assistance bringing your groceries out to your car? I SAID, MA’AM! DO YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR BAGS?”
4) You can’t eat spicy things past a certain time or you’ll be paying for it all night.
Dagnabit! Why did I have that piece of dry toast and glass of water? And after 5 pm! What the hell was I thinking?! This heartburn is a bitch!
3) You wake up with an incredible hangover, yet all you drank the night before was a tall frosty glass of orange-flavored Metamucil with a NyQuil chaser.
2) You manage to throw out your back because you sighed too heavily.
…and the number one sign you’re an old fart…
1) Your response to anything that anyone ever says is, “What?!”
followed almost immediately by,
“Oh yeah? Well, who gives a shit!”
When did you realize you’re older than dirt?