(The following is my typical inner dialogue seconds after I wake up.)
Wha–? Who? Where….? Oh, god. Why. Why? Dear lord, why?
Why must I wake up?
And always at the wrong time! Brad Pitt and George Clooney were inviting me to become their new hot sidekick because only I can infiltrate the Bellagio and crack open the vault using my razor-sharp wits and leather-clad thighs as weapons! Figures!
I am gonna die.
I swear–I really mean it this time.
Am I dead?
Hold on–I’m thinking….so I can’t be. I still exist. Right?
Who am I again? I’m still alive? Again?
And apparently, I’m still me. Great. Just fabulous. Is this how it’s gonna work? This is how it’s gonna play out? Again with the morning and with the being me and the facing of the day and the responsibilities and blah, blah, blah…?
No Ocean’s 14? Crap, it’s fading away.
Don’t go, Brad! Don’t leave me!
Might as well go with being me again.
Ugh. Move body, move! Get up already! Greet the f*&%ing day!
Ooof. Oh no, no, no, noooooo. Whoa. Too fast. That’s waaaaay too fast. Go slow. Slower. Slooooooower.
Roll. Just roll your body out of the bed. Legs first and the rest will follow. You can do it.
But it hurts. Oh, god, how it hurts! My back! My neck! I can’t do this anymore. Too old for this shit.
I know what will help.
Where’s that infernal coffee?
Not good, just better.
Now where’s that iPad? [Slurp]
Ah, it’s right there on the table.
Pfffft. Stupid computer and stupid Internet.
I don’t need you.
I can go a day without you.
Jeezum crow. Get a grip, girl. Look at me, it’s only 6 am and already I need to get on the blasted Internet.
It’s so sad.
God, I’m so pathetic. Just look away. Look away.
Gah. This coffee’s terrible.
Maybe just one peek…? Heh? Just one look…c’mon…who’s it gonna hurt?
No, no, no, no, no.
I won’t do it.
Damn you! I’m on YouTube…no, no, nooooo! Cute puppies! Giggly babies!
Freaky cats who say stupid things!
Ah!…hahahahahaaaaaaa! It’s funny! It really is!
I’m so ashamed.
God, I hate myself.
…now off to check Facebook to remind myself of why I don’t like Facebook….waste more time…type, type, type…uh huh..why yes….I do indeed like your status….Click, click, click. Like, Like, Like….Oh crap. I just liked someone’s update that her great-grandma died. And that she lost her job the same day. Right after her husband left her for a 21 year old named Amber. Unlike! Unlike! Quick! UNLIKE!!
Now gotta check email…..yada, yada, yada….look around to be sure my husband doesn’t see me on the computer yet again….shh…it’s okay….no one knows I’m on the net, it’s all good….now onto….
Must check blog….check stats…..quick, hurry up…type fast…no one will know, right? It’s okay…I can do this…I don’t have a problem….OH, shit, here comes my husband and the kids….quick, check your blog! It’s not loading!! It won’t load! I’ve gotta see my blog…maybe there’s a comment….??? Oh, god! I have to see who’s been Freshly Pressed! What if it’s someone I know! What if it’s me?! It’s not me. But what if it’s me! Hurry! Hurry! Check it! They’re coming!…….load already!….Oh god, it’s the stupid spinny thing!
It’s not loading! It’s just spinning! The third circle of downloading hell has descended upon my computer! It’s going faster but nothing’s happening! What if it never stops? I think I’m getting a migraine now! Load you stupid piece of crap! I hate you! I hate everything you stand for! I hate myself for hating you! I love you! I can’t live without you! God! Help me!
Crap! Here they come! Quick! Throw the iPad to the side!
Stay cool. Cool. Whistle. Twiddle thumbs. Be cool. Beeeee cooooool. Breathe. Yup. Just sip your coffee and maybe they’ll sniff you and go away.
Okay, whew! They’re gone. I threw some Cap’n Crunch at them and they left.
Alone! Time to write. Must write. No choice. If only I could come up with a post. Something. Anything.
Politics? Pizza? Dogs? Republican dogs who eat pizza?
Ugh, dear God. I got nothing.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll quit blogging.
After I see my stats for this post.