My husband and I are pulling the minivan out of our snowy, icy driveway on a cold winter’s morning.
Him: All right. Here we go. Gun it!
Me: What? No. You’re crazy.
Him: Do it.
Me: No. I’m not gonna gun it!
Him: GUN IT!
Me: NO IT WON’T WORK! NO!
Him: If you don’t we’ll be stuck here. We’re gonna get stuck at the top of the hill. Oh, god. Nope. You need to punch it. We’ll get stuck on the hill! PUNCH IT! PUNCH IT! WE’LL GET–great. We’re stuck. Don’t spin the tires, nope that’s not how you–you’re digging us in deeper!
Me: AHHH! God! I hate this! I hate this! WINTER SUCKS! WINTER SUCKS! Why do we live here? WHY?
Him: Steer into the snow. INTO the snow. Just steer and hit the gas! The gas! Don’t brake!
Me: What’s happening? OH GOD!
Him: PUNCH IT!
Me: It’s not working! I’m sliding! Holy shit! We’re gonna die! We’re gonna die! Oh, god, we’re going into the ditch, we’re GOING INTO THE DITCH, WE’RE–
Him: [screaming] STEER INTO THE SNOW!
(The car suddenly shoots forward and fishtails out onto the main road, smoke pouring from the engine)
Me: Oh. Good. Thank God in heaven. That was close. Jeezum crow.
Him: You did it.
Me: No thanks to you. Pfft. Steer into the snow. What the hell does that mean?
Him: You like my beard?
Him: You like it? (scratches his chin)
Me: What do you mean, do I like it? You always have a beard.
Him: No, I do not!
Me: Always. You are always in a perpetual state of beardom.
Him: It’s nice. I like it. Keeps me warm. My five o’clock shadow.
Me: More like eight o’clock. [snickers]
Him: I think I’m slipping into midnight with this thing! [grinning gleefully] It’s out of control! God, I love my beard.
Me: Yeah. Good for you. I’m not kissing you anymore. Too prickly.
Him: Aw, c’mon!
Me: It is. Like kissing velcro. [sighs] I should grow a beard.
Him: Y’know, you really should.
Me: Aw, dammit.
Me: I have to go pee.
Him: We just left the house.
Me: Yeah. Like, duh. I know that!
Him: Two minutes ago.
Him: And you JUST peed. Right before you got in the car.
Me: Yeah, what’s your point.
Him: I think you pee more times in the day than I breathe.
Me: So I’ve got a bladder the size of a thimble. So what? [cringes] Ooh! God! I don’t think I’m gonna make it. I have to go really bad. Like REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD!!
Him: Pee in the coffee cup. Here.
Me: What? Ew. Gross. No.
Him: Once I peed in a bottle…
Me: Do I have to hear this story again?
Him: …I was on the longest mail route of my life. Harpswell island. Had to deliver to like 100 houses. During a blizzard.
Me: I know, I know. You had to pee and there was no bathroom so you peed in a water bottle. I know. Congratulations. Isn’t that against some kind of Post Office law?
Him: I did it. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
Me: Lucky bastard. Must be nice.
Him: It was one of those pees where you’ve held it in so long, you think you’re going to die. Just explode. Pee everywhere.
Me: You’re not helping me…
Him: You know the kind. I call it The New Man Pee. Because once you finally pee, you feel like you’re reborn. Like a new man again.
Me: Shut up.
Him: I love you.
Me: [sighs] I love you, too.
Me: Oh thank god! A Dunkin Donuts! I’ll pee in there!
Him: Wait, don’t drive in there! You’re gonna get–
Me: Stuck. We’re stuck in the parking lot.
Him: Winter sucks.