[Zippy music intro ends, audience applauds]
Me: Okay, and we’re back! Thank you so much for being here, Mr. Reaper. I know you’re a busy man.
Grim: Hey, no problem. Thanks for having me. I don’t get that a lot.
Let’s start out with what you’ve been up to recently. Seems you’re pretty busy?
So why, Death? What gets you up in the morning? What’s your motivation?
Man, going for the tough questions right off the bat, huh? I guess I’m just trying to keep people alert, on their toes. Frankly, what I do isn’t easy.
[points to mug on the coffee table]
Hey, is this water? Good God, I hope not! Hope it’s tequila. Death is an exhausting business, dude. And I be takin’ care of bidnezz, every day, ya dig?
[slurps from mug]
Ooh, yeaaah. That’s the stuff. Takes the edge off. Smoooooth.
Well, I did some research and looked back over your amazing and prolific career, so first off let’s talk about some of your duds.
This is about John Lennon, isn’t it?
Well…sure…let’s start with that one.
Look–hey, it was a mistake, okay? A colossal mistake. And I paid for it back at the bar later that night. The other guys, man, they wouldn’t stop ribbing me about that one. I’m sorry, really. After that happened, I swore I’d never do something crazy like that again. But let’s be honest here, everyone’s allowed one screw-up, am I right?
What about Jimi Hendrix?
George Carlin? You could’ve at least given him at least a few more years! I mean c’mon!
I’m sorry, okay! What do you want from me? Now that dude was OLD.
Pfft. Why should I bother? He may already be dead, who knows really?
Hey, I don’t wanna discuss this, you promised me we wouldn’t go there.
[nervously sips from mug]
Okay, let’s switch gears here. Tell us a little bit about what happens after you show up. Life after death stuff.
Oh, ho ho! [chokes on drink] Sorry. Uh huh. No can do. Hell, no.
Just a little? We’re all dying to know.
Good one. OK…let’s see…there’s this tunnel, then a bright light, soon you’re enveloped with utter peace, unconditional love and happiness…blah, blah, blah… It’s all actually quite nice.
Beats a 7 day poop cruise on the Carnival, am I right?
[audience roars with laughter]
Really? Death isn’t that bad? It’s actually nice?
Nah. It’s not at all nice. I was kidding.
You were kidding?
Yeah. There’s nothing after death. Just a big, black void of emptiness.
What? What did I say? Sheesh, tough crowd.
[smirks, shrugs shoulders]
Would you care to clarify that statement? Are you saying it’s nothing but a vast meaningless abyss after we die?
Ha ha! Oh, no, no, no! I was kidding. Kidding! Again! There’s no big black void! But if you could see the look on your face right now, it’s priceless, man!
I never get tired of pulling that one on people.
[waves spirit fingers in the air, whines mockingly]
Ooh! boo hoo! It’s all nothing! It all means nothing! There is no purpose to life! Woooo! How terrifying! Wah!
God, that always makes me laugh.
What I find fascinating, is you are everywhere. All the time. You could strike anyone at any moment.
Yeah. That’s right.
So any of us could go at any time?
I’m afraid so.
And you might give no warning. None whatsoever.
None. Zip. You just never know when it’s your time.
BOOM! [suddenly lurches forward and grabs my arm] Gotcha!
Ahhh! Holy [bleep]! What the [bleep] was that?! Let go of me! Holy [bleep] [bleep][bleep]!
[jumps out of chair, audience goes wild]
Oh, I was just teasin’ ya! Relax! Your audience thinks it’s funny!
Nice, well, we seem to be running out of time, Grimmy.
[looking down at notecard]
I want to thank you Mr. Reaper for coming here tonight and–
You don’t know how right you are about running out of time, my friend. You don’t know how right you are. Mwa ha haaaa–
Anywho. So ladies and gentlemen, the Grim Reaper can be seen on his upcoming tour dates at the Shady Pines nursing home in Pensacola, then he jets off for a three night show in Las Vegas. Be sure to check him out. Or…not…I guess. In the meantime, all One Billion seasons of Death are available right now on Blu-Ray–
MWA HA HAAAAAA! I’m coming for you, Darla! No one can escape me!
You are so stupid. [laughing]
We’ll be right back, folks. If I don’t die during break! Up next–Carrot Top!
Oh, God, you had to bring him up!
[Band starts to play. Grim leans in, whispers to me, we laugh uproariously and it cuts to commercial]