My Exclusive Interview with Death

Wee Hours of the Early Morning Show with Darla
I’ve got my eye on you, buddy…

[Zippy music intro ends, audience applauds]

Me: Okay, and we’re back! Thank you so much for being here, Mr. Reaper. I know you’re a busy man.

Grim: Hey, no problem. Thanks for having me. I don’t get that a lot.

Let’s start out with what you’ve been up to recently. Seems you’re pretty busy?

Always.

So why, Death? What gets you up in the morning? What’s your motivation?

Man, going for the tough questions right off the bat, huh? I guess I’m just trying to keep people alert, on their toes. Frankly, what I do isn’t easy.
[points to mug on the coffee table]
Hey, is this water? Good God, I hope not! Hope it’s tequila. Death is an exhausting business, dude. And I be takin’ care of bidnezz, every day, ya dig?

[slurps from mug]
Ooh, yeaaah. That’s the stuff.  Takes the edge off. Smoooooth.

Well, I did some research and looked back over your amazing and prolific career, so first off let’s talk about some of your duds.

This is about John Lennon, isn’t it?

Well…sure…let’s start with that one.

Look–hey, it was a mistake, okay? A colossal mistake. And I paid for it back at the bar later that night. The other guys, man, they wouldn’t stop ribbing me about that one. I’m sorry, really. After that happened, I swore I’d never do something crazy like that againBut let’s be honest here, everyone’s allowed one screw-up, am I right?

What about Jimi Hendrix?

Well…I…uh…

James Dean?

Um…oops?

George Carlin? You could’ve at least given him at least a few more years! I mean c’mon!

I’m sorry, okay! What do you want from me? Now that dude was OLD. 

Larry King?

Pfft. Why should I bother? He may already be dead, who knows really?

Donald Trump?

[cold stare]

Rush Limbaugh?

Hey, I don’t wanna discuss this, you promised me we wouldn’t go there.
[nervously sips from mug]

Okay, let’s switch gears here. Tell us a little bit about what happens after you show up. Life after death stuff.

Oh, ho ho! [chokes on drink] Sorry. Uh huh. No can do. Hell, no.

Just a little? We’re all dying to know.
[audience laughs]

Good one. OK…let’s see…there’s this tunnel, then a bright light, soon you’re enveloped with utter peace, unconditional love and happiness…blah, blah, blah… It’s all actually quite nice.
Beats a 7 day poop cruise on the Carnival, am I right?

[audience roars with laughter]

Really? Death isn’t that bad? It’s actually nice?

Nah. It’s not at all nice. I was kidding.
[audience gasps]

You were kidding?

Yeah. There’s nothing after death. Just a big, black void of emptiness.
[audience boos]
What? What did I say? Sheesh, tough crowd.
[smirks, shrugs shoulders]

Would you care to clarify that statement? Are you saying it’s nothing but a vast meaningless abyss after we die?

Ha ha! Oh, no, no, no! I was kidding. Kidding! Again! There’s no big black void! But if you could see the look on your face right now, it’s priceless, man!
I never get tired of pulling that one on people.
[waves spirit fingers in the air, whines mockingly]
Ooh! boo hoo! It’s all nothing! It all means nothing! There is no purpose to life! Woooo! How terrifying! Wah!
God, that always makes me laugh.

What I find fascinating, is you are everywhere.  All the time. You could strike anyone at any moment.

Yeah. That’s right.
[nods smugly]
I’m good.

So any of us could go at any time?

I’m afraid so.

And you might give no warning. None whatsoever.

None. Zip. You just never know when it’s your time.
[long pause]

BOOM! [suddenly lurches forward and grabs my arm] Gotcha!

Ahhh! Holy [bleep]! What the [bleep] was that?! Let go of me!  Holy [bleep] [bleep][bleep]!
[jumps out of chair, audience goes wild]

Oh, I was just teasin’  ya!  Relax! Your audience thinks it’s funny!
[audience laughs]

Nice, well, we seem to be running out of time, Grimmy.

[looking down at notecard]
I want to thank you Mr. Reaper for coming here tonight and–

You don’t know how right you are about running out of time, my friend. You don’t know how right you are. Mwa ha haaaa–

Anywho. So ladies and gentlemen, the Grim Reaper can be seen on his upcoming tour dates at the Shady Pines nursing home in Pensacola, then he jets off for a three night show in Las Vegas.  Be sure to check him out. Or…not…I guess.  In the meantime, all One Billion seasons of Death are available right now on Blu-Ray–

MWA HA HAAAAAA! I’m coming for you, Darla!  No one can escape me!

You are so stupid. [laughing]
We’ll be right back, folks. If I don’t die during break! Up next–Carrot Top!

Oh, God, you had to bring him up!
[Band starts to play. Grim leans in, whispers to me, we laugh uproariously and it cuts to commercial]

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58 thoughts on “My Exclusive Interview with Death

    1. Well, it airs only Sundays at 2 am on the local community channel. Right after Let’s Crotchet With Earl! and just before 1001 Ways to Eat Moose.

      (what in the hell are you doing over here, Steve? Dontcha have enough to deal with right now? A couple hundred comments to moderate and respond to? I suggest you put on one of those beer can hats and get to it)

      1. I learned quickly and the first day turned off the function that made me approve all the comments. Only a few weird ones came through. I have been able to keep up with responding but have to admit to getting a little tired of it. Still a dozen or so in the queue. Today sort of back to normal. Was a fun ride though!

        1. It sure is. After a few days though you almost want to get back to normal and see more familiar faces again. At least WP warns you about FP now. I have never been warned. I would just hear my husband yelling “why the hells do we have 150 emails?!” Then it would dawn on me.

  1. I should have known Death liked tequila! I LOVE that picture, too, ha! I’m also cracking up over your ‘about me’ text on the right —>

    P.S. – Somebody’s beautiful, Maine-y banner is looking miiiiiighty fine, too 😉

    1. Was that a typo, or are you questioning whether I think it’s brilliant? Because if so, I always question that. And I will absolutely put in a good word for you. I asked him during the break to let me die in my sleep on my 100th birthday right after consuming my weight in chocolate. It’s the least the guy can do, really.

        1. I never thought the sentence ‘brilliant, Darla’ could be topped until I saw the 15 exclamation points after it. I think I love you, Elyse. You were always my favorite blogger, don’t tell the others.

  2. When you see that Reaper guy again – tell him I am still mad about my Mom, will ya? And George Carlin, as well.

    Darla, you are so funny…I do wish you had your own late night show (say, 9:00 p.m. or so – I really can’t stay up later than that – I am SOL OLD.) Better yet, one at 4:00 a.m. since I can’t seem to sleep any later than that, either.

    1. You bet. George Carlin really hit me hard. God, I miss that guy. Oh, yeah and of course, my dad. And at the age of 53? So not fair. Death. (shaking head)

      I’m with you, Katy–I fall asleep no problem at around 9:30. Then I’m wide awake around 3 am. What’s the deal with that? Like life isn’t hard enough, now I can’t even SLEEP?! It’s the best part of life, for god’s sake!

  3. Oh Darla, you slay me! Ba dum bum chhhh.

    I love that you sat down with the big bad and got personal. And weren’t afraid to ask the tough questions. You look good behind that desk. Maybe that will be your next career choice. After you kill nursing, that is. Always gotta have goals.

  4. It doesn’t at all surprise me that Death has a twisted sense of humor. So who better to interview him than you? He really does need to explain why he hasn’t gone after Trump and Limbaugh yet, though. And Carrot Top.

    1. That is awesome! Something I’ve always wanted to try. I have a friend who has gone skydiving several times and is always bugging me to try it. Too bad me and heights don’t get along so well. I can’t wait to read about your adventure. And no worries…Death will be very busy elsewhere, he always is.

  5. Managing to have a humorous discussion with the grim reaper can’t be easy. But our friend Darla has accomplished this! And I’m keeping an individual bottle – the kind used on airplanes – of tequila around just in case I need to bribe him out of an early collection. Who knows? It could work.

  6. I love that picture! You should totally have your own talk show. Can I be your constantly laughing/sycophant/bandleader sidekick?
    Do you mind keeping Mr. Reaper over on the east coast? I’m sure there’s nothing to interest him in the Midwest.

  7. Karen Carpenter, Freddie Prinze, Martin Luther King. My grandmother. My tenth-grade typing teacher. It’s a long list, and he has a lot of explaining to do. But I loved the interview, Darla, especially: “Thanks for having me. I don’t get that a lot.”

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